The Answer - Literal Steps to Your Relationship Bliss

There are some things in life that cannot exist without preparation. Baking a cake, building a house are just two examples. Such is the importance of your relationship life, it is well worth preparing for the 21 steps by listening to the next 6 short lectures. They take the format of questions and answers starting with this question:

What is the ONE catalyst that makes or breaks a relationship?

Be prepared for the simple answer, it is...

RECEIVED LOVE

How does this simple ONE catalyst work?

Think of a tree. How many branches and leaves are there? There are thousands but here is my loaded question to you: How many trunks? ONE trunk rooted in good soil that provides the nutrition to the tree. While this nutrition is flowing up the ONE trunk throughout the tree, the branches and leaves are healthy. If this flow of nutrition slows down and stops, the tree will start to die.

Relationships consist of hundreds of issues; communication, money, sex, health, children, pets, decisions, baggage, holidays, in-laws, moods, pressures of life etc,. These are like the many branches and leaves on a tree. The ONE trunk in the tree analogy represents the ONE catalyst that makes or breaks a marriage. So it is not just love! It is...............................

RECEIVED LOVE

(or simply put; the love that touches you and truly means love to you)

Only if the branches and leaves are receiving the nutrition from the ONE trunk are they healthy. When a couple are both receiving love from each other, that is, feeling loved, then all the many issues that are part of a relationship function smoothly like a well oiled car engine. Like a car engine, if it fails to receive the oil, it starts to overheat then it will seize up.

A man without a goal is like a ship without a rudder.” Thomas Carlyle.

In this lecture, we are going to look at what the ultimate goal is for your relationship and also what are the effects and what actually happens as you achieve this goal.

The goal for your successful relationship is to...

Identify exactly what makes your partner feel loved, whereby when you love them, they receive it and feel it .

…then the received love, like nutrition, will feed your relationship. Issues that come up will be dealt with smoothly without hard feeling, bitterness or resentment, just like in the beginning of a healthy relationship. Even better, the longer that love is received, the stronger and closer your relationship grows until it is like a strong stable and secure oak tree, able to withstand any storm that comes along.

To achieve this goal we just have to apply the literal steps in this course which will:

1: Identify exactly what makes your partner feel loved and unloved.

2: Develop the habit of loving them in the way that makes them feel truly loved.

That’s your goal, it is simple. Think about it, how can you make someone really feel loved if you don’t really know what makes them feel truly loved? The literal action steps you soon will be taking will help you identify precisely the right buttons to press and most importantly, steps that will help you easily develop this into a lifestyle habit.

Lecture 8 - Why do genuine relationships start off so well then most gradually fade?

A man meets a woman and the relationship starts to develop and they start to fall in love. They are having, an ‘IN-LOVE EXPERIENCE.’ These feelings can be so strong that they can even pull them into marriage.

Why are they having these feelings?

The root cause is because they both feel so loved, so special, so wanted and so important to each other. They feel they are receiving love from each other and their souls are intoxicated with the intense feelings. They feel loved in the way that means love to them.

Why do most relationships start off well then gradually fade into either just friendship, just ‘putting up and shutting up,’ or divorce?

Answer: Because one or both of them gradually stop receiving love from one another. The nutrition, (received love), gradually stops flowing up the tree trunk.

Without receiving love, all relationships start to wither and die emotionally then physically.

…but is it natural for that initial intense ‘in-love feeling’ to fade every time?

Yes! Psychologists agree that the initial instinctual ‘in-love feeling’ fades completely after two years on average. Here is the tragedy. When this happens most people think the ‘love’ has gone and as the feelings fade many think; ‘what is the point of continuing with a relationship or marriage without feeling love?’

.....However!

Here is the truth about that initial euphoric in-love feeling (from now on called ‘in-love experience’):

1. It isn’t the ‘in love experience’ that sustains a life-long marriage, it only starts it.
2. It is just an initial chemical reaction which isn’t meant to last.
3. It is nature’s way of bringing man and woman together.
4. It is pure instinct so you can’t choose who to have this feeling with. You either have it or you don’t.
5. It fades naturally on average after 2 years

If that instinctual in-love experience naturally fades, is there any hope for a long term happy marriage for anyone?

(This course was written to answer this question)

Answer: There is more than hope. There is ONE catalyst that causes relationships to develop, grow and mature like an ever deepening flowing river. Those who have applied this ONE catalyst to their relationship, whether knowingly or unknowingly, have withstood the test of time. The 21 steps of this course are going to lead you precisely into applying this same ONE catalyst to your present or future relationship.

Lecture 9 - Does the 'in-love experience' always fade and if so, is there any hope?

Yes and yes!

Psychologists agree that the initial instinctual ‘in-love feeling’ fades completely after two years on average. It is natural, but here is the tragedy.

When this happens most people think the ‘love’ has gone, and as the feelings fade many think; ‘what is the point of continuing with a relationship or marriage without feeling love?

However! This is where the first massive relationship misunderstanding takes place.

Here is the truth about that initial euphoric in-love feeling (from now on called ‘in-love experience’):

It isn’t the ‘in love experience’ that sustains a life-long marriage, it only starts it.
It is nature’s way of bringing man and woman together.
It is just an initial chemical reaction which isn’t meant to last.
It is pure instinct so you can’t choose who to have this feeling with.
You either have it or you don’t.
Lastly, it fades naturally on average after 2 years.

To illustrate further, in a sense, this falling in-love experience can be likened to a new born baby with its mother.
In the beginning the relationship is instinctual and the bond grows as the baby feeds naturally and exists in this loved state.
However, the time comes when the baby is weaned and starts to eat deliberately and the whole relationship matures.

So, what about the hope for a relationship after the initial in-love experience has faded.
Is there truly any hope?

(This course was written to answer this question)

Fortunately, there is more than hope.

There is ONE catalyst that causes relationships to develop, grow and mature like an ever deepening flowing river.
Those who have applied this ONE catalyst to their relationship, whether knowingly or unknowingly, have withstood the test of time.

The 21 following steps are going to lead you precisely into applying this same ONE catalyst to your present or future relationship.

Lecture 10 – How can you know that the way you are showing love is actually meaning love to that person?

Answer: By simply understanding that there are only 4 different ways or styles or expressions in which humans show their love to one another.

These are called the 4 Expressions of Love.

Usually only ONE of these ways actually makes us really feel emotionally loved , (Some call it pressing the right button). Unless you know which way your partner receives love , they might appreciate your efforts, but unless you are pressing their ‘love button’, what you do won’t draw them emotionally close to you. In the tree analogy, the nutrition won’t be flowing up the trunk and the tree won’t be growing. Relationships grow cold unless love is received in the way that means love to each other. The significance of this in your relationship is…

Massive!!!

Identifying your partners Expression of Love and choosing to only love your partner their way builds intimacy, opens communication and strengthens your bond, which in turn strengthens your relationship because it makes them feel loved.

Here are the 4 Expressions of Love.

1. Words – compliments, gratitude, appreciation, encouragements, affirmations which make you partner feel loved.
2. Action – doing something for your spouse that you know they would like which makes them feel loved.
3. Touch - holding hands, kissing, embracing, putting your hand on their shoulder; any touch so long as it is affirming which makes them feel loved.
4. Time - giving your partner your full attention whereby they feel loved.

Lecture 11 – Preparation Summary

Congratulations. You have completed the preparation questions and answers which will put the following 21 action steps into context. Before you take the first action step here is a summary of your preparation:

1. In one sense, your relationship is like a matter of life or death and is to be taken seriously.
2. Like the one trunk of a tree, that determines whether the branches and leaves are healthy or not, so your relationship health hangs on the ONE catalyst of each other receiving love.
3. The goal for your successful relationship is 1: Identify exactly what makes your partner feel loved and unloved then 2: Develop the habit of loving them especially in the way that makes them feel truly loved.
4. As a change in temperature affects our bodies, received love changes our emotions too, every time.
5. Genuine relationships start off so well because they both are receiving love from each other.
6. If relationships start to grow apart emotionally it is always because one or both of them gradually stop receiving love from each other.
7. It is natural for that initial intense ‘in-love feeling’ to fade every time.
8. Although the initial instinct in-love experience fades, identifying and loving in the way that makes each other feel loved will deepen and strengthen the relationship.
9. It doesn’t matter what I do to love my partner, if it doesn’t mean love to them they will grow emotionally distant.
10. There are 4 different expressions of love in which we express love to each other.

Lecture 12 - (Step 1) Identifying exactly what makes your partner feel loved.

To start you just need a pen and a note book, or you can print off the PDF files for the lectures, which include simple charts that you can either fill in, or copy them into your notebook.
I suggest you keep pausing the video, every time you need to write something down.
That way, you will not miss anything out as you take the 21 literal steps.

Step 1: Arrange a specific time to talk to your partner where you will not be distracted. Then together, read the detailed version of the Four Expressions of Love. Give each one a mark out of ten and write it in your notebook or on the chart from the PDF file (Step 1).

The Four Expressions of Love:

Words

Actions

Touch

Time

Words are those words that make your partner feel loved, and may include things like compliments, gratitude, appreciation, encouragements or affirmations for example.

Actions, are those things you do for your partner that make them feel loved, and may include things as simple as making a drink for them, keeping the house tidy, providing food on the table or giving flowers or doing the dishes.

Touch can include holding hands, kissing, embracing, putting your hand on their shoulder; any touch so long as it is affirming which makes them feel loved.

Time is giving your partner your full undivided attention which again is what makes them feel loved deep down.

So there are the 4 Expressions of love, Words, Action, Touch and Time.

Lecture 13 - (Step 2) Two extra ways to identify what makes your partner feel loved.

Such is the importance of identifying your partner’s specific Expression of Love, we have included another two methods to help identification.

Step 2: Ask yourself these two questions to help mark out of ten which is your partner's primary Expression of Love.

a- What does your partner most often request? Which Expression of Love best fits into this request?

b - How does your partner most often express love to you? Which Expression of Love?

Lecture 14 - (Step 3,4) Time to be ruthlessly honest and reveal your desires.

Step 3: Ask your partner the following: “Can you be ruthlessly honest with me and tell me exactly how you like your main Expression of Love communicated to you?”

See the PDF file for Step 3 for Sample questions.

Only listen and write down their answers on the chart or your notebook. Do not question, interrupt or judge. Only ask about the answers if you need to fully clarify what is being said.

Step 4: Now summarise your notes succinctly just using keywords or short sentences as in the following ‘Time’ example.

(Summary using ‘Time’ as an example)

Loves us being alone together, me listening, full attention, sofa, coffee shops, walks, planning nights away together.

Lecture 15 - (Step 5) The motivation for you to succeed long term.

This next step is absolutely critical. Do you know that the summary that you have just written is priceless information about your partner which can truly transform your relationship and life?

You have in your possession a shortlist of precisely what makes your partner truly feel emotionally loved.

However, without turning the information into action, and that action into a lifestyle habit, it will have no effect. You might as well have bought an extremely expensive car but instead of enjoying driving it you’ve just left it in the road to rot away.

So, the challenge we have is in the following two questions:

1. How can this priceless information be turned into action as a lifestyle habit?
2. Starting from right now, how can we overcome procrastination and sustain the motivation needed to maintain this lifestyle habit?

We are going to utilise one of the most powerful tools which motivates people; Pain and pleasure realisation. All achievements are driven by the pain avoided in not achieving something, and the pleasure you get from achieving something. The greater the pain and pleasure, the greater the motivation to succeed. We’re all motivated toward what we believe will create pleasure. At the same time, we’re motivated away from what we believe will lead to pain.

The following Pain/Pleasure exercise gets you to ask yourself real core questions about your true values in one of the most important aspects of your existence; your relationship. I want you to get into ‘ruthless honesty’ mode and as you see and hear the questions, feel the answers. They are your answers and will powerfully motivate you to take step 6 which is how to implement the priceless information you have about your partner.

Step 5: This is the motivation 'Pain/Pleasure step. There are 2 ways you can take it.

Either print the PDF document and do the exercise, or listen to the questions in this lecture, pausing the video at each question and write each one in your notebook. Take your time.

Lecture 16 - (Steps 6,7) Your ingenious way of remembering to love your partner daily.

If remembering to love your partner was a matter of life or death, how could you ensure you remembered?

The Answer to your relationship bliss lies in your partner feeling loved by you as your lifestyle for them.
To achieve this as a lifestyle habit, you need to keep remembering to make them feel loved until it becomes second nature to you.

For this, you need to be reminded each day for at least 21 days, until it does becomes second nature to you.

What could be the most effective way to guarantee you do this? Here is a way that will work for anyone.

Your mobile phone is going to become your personal assistant!

Step 6: Right now, set the alarm on your mobile phone to go off every day at the same time.

What time would suit you best where you can spare a 3 minute thought about how to make your partner feel loved each day?

Step 7: Start a new page in your notebook or open a new document on your mobile phone notes or computer.

Title this new page 'The 3 Minute List '.

Pause this video while you do this. Now, under this Title, ' The 3 Minute List', write these three words: READ, VISUALISE, PLAN.

Remember in Step 1 and 2 when you identified your partner's Expression of Love, which is either, Words, Actions, Touch or Time? Then in step 4 you wrote a summary about the specific things that make your partner feel loved? Now Transfer that summary onto your 3 minute list. An example of this can be found in a PDF file for this lecture.

When you hear the daily mobile phone reminder each day, invest just 3 minutes of your precious relationship life in

1: reading your shortlist, The 3 Minute List, with as much enthusiasm and passion ☆as you can,
2: visualising the best outcome possible.
3: plan your next action for your partner that day, and take it.

Habits often take at least 21 days before they become a natural part of your life.

Lecture 17 – Identifying your partner’s personal needs.

Do you agree with the following 3 statements?

1. All people have emotional and personal needs.
2. If you don’t know what your partner’s needs are it is unlikely you will ever fulfil them.
3. To discover your partner’s needs and journey to fulfil them, is an amazing act of love.

There are many personal needs in our lives that we know and take care of. Whether it is feeding our baby on time, filling our car with fuel or having regular showers, we all try to fulfil the needs of things that we desire to function well. The personal needs we each have in a relationship also need to be fulfilled for the relationship to function well. This can be easily achieved in steps 8 to 11 by identifying our partner’s personal needs then applying the simple plan to fulfil them.

Here are the eight needs in alphabetical order:

1. Affection and Care
2. Communication via Conversation
3. Honesty and Transparency
4. Mutual Activities
5. Physical Attractiveness
6. Practical Support
7. Respect and Admiration
8. Sexual Expression

Lecture 18 – (Step 8,9) A test to identify both your personal needs.

In this lecture you will discover which personal needs are most important to your partner, and to yourself.

Step 8: With you partner, listen to, or read the descriptions from the PDF, of the eight Personal Needs. Then mark each need on a scale of 1 to 10, 0 being not a need, 10 being a very important need. Mark these in your notebook or on the PDF chart for this lecture.

Personal Needs Headings:

Affection and Care

Communication via Conversation

Honesty and Transparency

Mutual Activities

Physical Attractiveness

Practical Support

Respect and Admiration

Sexual Expression

Step 9: Write the top 4 Personal Needs in your notebook or the corresponding PDF document for
this Step.

Lecture 19 – (Step 10-11) Time to be ruthlessly honest and reveal your desires.

Now it is time to find out how your partner would really like their needs to be fulfilled.

Step 10: For each of your partner's top four needs, ask the following two questions and write down a summary of what your partner tells you..

Question 1: Be totally honest. What can I do, or start to do, to fulfil this need in your life?

Write down their answers

Question 2: What else can I do?"

Keep asking this second question and writing the list of answers until your partner cannot think of anything else.

Step 11: Write summaries of the answers to your partner's top four needs and add them to the ‘3 Minute List’, which you started at step 7.

Now, each day when your daily alarm reminds you, invest just three minutes of your life in reading your '3 Minute List' and thinking how to build your relationship today by fulfilling and satisfying your partner’s needs.

See the PDF for a sample of The 3 Minute List so far...

Summary of Needs

1. We all have specific needs that make us feel differently if they are fulfilled.
2. What your needs are doesn’t necessarily mean they are also the needs of your partner.
3. Without a need being met there can be temptation to get it met elsewhere.
4. You have identified both of your top 4 needs.
5. Each time you meet a need in your partner you are affecting their innermost feelings towards you.
6. You have started a plan to develop the habit of fulfilling your partner’s needs.
7. Meeting each other’s needs is a journey which takes time to master. What is most important is the direction your relationship is going in, not the speed you are going.

Working on meeting your partner's needs will take time so you are not under any pressure to instantly change yourself. With faith and patience each day, you are gradually building and sowing small seeds of health and life into your relationship.

Lecture 20 – What are Love Drainers?

Definition of a Love Drainer : Any behaviour that makes your partner feel unloved. They may include annoying habits, dishonesty, disrespect, temper tantrums etc. They drain the love, prevent the growth and can sap the stability and happiness of your life. They can be dealt with before they kill a relationship.

In preparation for the step 12, first consider the following:

• ‘The Make or Break’ Critical Fact! The core issue here is not how you perceive your behaviours. It is only how your partner perceives them. This is their reality. Your perceptions about your behaviours are often different than your partners.
• Many behaviours we have are innocent habits but if those innocent habits are draining the love feeling from your partner then they are potentially hazardous.a

• You feel you are ready to welcome your partners’ perceptions and will not take offence even though you might disagree with some of their perspectives.
• You accept that because men and women are emotionally different it is impossible to really know how your partner feels unless you ask them directly then seek to really understand how they feel.
• You understand that dealing with any Love Drainers might take time so you are not under any pressure to instantly change yourself but you are willing to gradually work on improving yourself because you love your partner.

Now put yourself in your partners’ emotional shoes by considering the following:

They have probably hurt you in the past. They have struggled with many things. Haven’t we all? They have made mistakes and some wrong decisions and have failed in areas sometimes massively. Haven’t we all? Deep down they just want someone to make them feel loved and accepted and genuinely cared for. They may not tell you this but they have hopes that you will. Taking the following Step 12 is a sure sign of your love and care.

Lecture 21 – (Step 12) Identifying Love drainers in your relationship.

The list of potential Love Drainers can be found in the PDF file for this lecture.
Either print it off or copy the list to your notebook.

To find out which ones affect your partner, all you have to do is ask them by showing them the list
and getting their viewpoints.

Step 12: Ask your partner for their absolute honest feelings about these behaviours that you might have, by marking them anywhere between 0 to 10.

0 means it doesn’t apply to you at all, 10 would mean they feel it is a major factor in draining love from the relationship.

Note: Statistics show that men tend to appear to have far more Love Drainers then women do. This is probably because women tend to be far more in tune with their feelings than men are.

As your partner studies the list, say to yourself and apply this: I am only going to focus on understanding how they see the situation. During this time I shall suspend all my judgements and personal opinions as to how I see it.

Lecture 22 – (Steps 13-15) Eliminating Love Drainers from your relationship.

One of the most powerful, healing, calming, peace-bringing, wise and ingenious words we can ever say to our partners, is ‘sorry.’

Step 13: To your partner say something like the following: “I am sorry for all of these Love Drainers that you’ve helped me identify. I am going to work through these things that you’ve
showed me, that make you feel unloved by me.

Step 14: List the Love Drainers that you have decided to deal with, by either printing the PDF file for this step or by writing the list on your notepad.

Step 15: Now be creative and daring and write the best SOLUTION you can think of that will lead to eliminating each Love Drainer.

Here's how to do it:

Such is the importance of finding the most effective solution for yourself, here are 8 questions to apply to each Love Drainer:

1: Ask your partner what solution would best eliminate this particular Love Drainer as far as they are concerned.

2:What would be the 'easiest' way to eliminate this love drainer?

3:Who might be able to help you? Call them now.

4: If you were advising your best friend, what would you advise?

5:Google ‘How can I overcome ????? then put the name of the love drainer.

6: What haven’t you tried yet, that you could try?

7:If it was life or death, what would you do?

8: Call out, “God, I need your help right now!

Now, your solution might be just one step or more. Some different approaches could include:
Completing an anger management course or getting professional help for an addiction etc

Others will just require some minor practical adjustments (e.g. remembering to leave kitchen, bathroom tidy after use / having a shower every day)

Others may just require the mental awareness so as to remember to stop a habit (e.g. anything that is an annoying habit like leaving socks on the floor, or leaving tea in the bottom of a cup).

Lecture 23 - (Steps 16-17) The plan for the removal of Love Drainers.

Step 16: Write each Love Drainer solution in a shortened version on your ‘3 Minute List.’

Here's a few Examples:

Alcohol addiction - Call AA today, and join.

Toothpaste cap, loo seat - I am now aware daily.

Argumentative – I now pause before reacting.

Critical – I now pause when I get that critical feeling.

Laziness – I write my goals the night before and I now go to bed by midnight.

Step 17: Add the following three questions at the end of your ‘3 minute’ list.

1: How shall I express love to my partner today?
2: Which of their needs can I meet today or long term?
3: What can I eliminate from my relationship today or long term?

Now, each day, when your alarm reminder goes off commit to asking yourself these questions
each day until they become second nature to you.

Remember that by working on eliminating those Love Drainers each day is a journey which takes time to master. What is most important is the direction your relationship is going in, not the speed
you are going.

See the PDF for a sample of The 3 Minute List so far...

Lecture 24 – (Steps 18-21) The plan to ensure long term success in your relationship.

How can you ensure that what you are now developing in your relationship does
not just fizzle out over the next few weeks or months?

Step 18: Write a reminder in your diary, calendar, mobile phone notes, yearly planner etc, 3 and 6 months from now, a date to review Expressions of love, Personal Needs and any Love Drainers with your partner by going through steps 1 to 21.



Step 19: Create a once-a- week, special time, to talk together.

Both choose and establish a regular time, once a week for what we will call, a joint reality checks to keep your relationship alive and awake.

Decide the location at the same time and same place and develop this as a habit.

Establish this habit as part of your weekly lifestyle.


Step 20: Each weekly reality check, ask these 3 Questions:

1: On a scale of 1 to 10, how much have I made you feel loved this week?

2: On a scale of 1 to 10, how much have I made you feel 'unloved' this week?’

3: What would I have to do to make you feel 100% loved and 0% unloved this coming week?

Such is the power and value of these weekly chats, the following are ways to fine tune and get
the most out of them.

1: Give each other full permission to be absolutely totally open and honest.

2: LISTEN! Don’t question, interrupt or judge them.

3: Give your full undivided attention.

Step 21 – THE FINAL STEP: Check and commit to the following 3 point plan:

1) Have your mobile alarm set for each day, and spend 3 minutes planning your relationship,

2) Choose and establish a regular time once a week for your joint reality checks and have fun knowing you are applying great wisdom and love to your relationship.

3) Keep 3 and 6 month reminders in your or diary, calendar, mobile phone notes yearly planner etc
to review and rerun these 21 steps again to ensure your relationship keeps alive and well.

See the PDF for the Final sample of The 3 Minute List.

Lecture 25 – Congratulations.

Congratulations on completing the 21 literal steps!

Whether you have applied them directly to your relationship, or have taken it to apply in your future relationship, you are probably in the top 3% who understand the real practicalities of how relationships succeed and survive. In essence, it is simply identifying what makes each other feel loved and unloved and choosing to do it or not to do it!

After taking these 21 steps, you have identified exactly what makes your partner feel loved, what their exact needs are and what drains their feeling of love. You have summarized this priceless information where you are now able to spend about 3 minutes a day planning how to make your partner ultimately feel loved!

You now enjoy the 5/10 minute weekly reality check which keeps your relationship safe from the choking weeds that otherwise tend to grow. To remind yourself you have set your mobile alarm daily until the summaries become second nature to you. You have also put insertions in your diary for three and six months time to review and continue building your relationship. Instead of being paralysed with ignorance you are empowered by the knowledge of the action to take which will sow seeds into your relationship.

By taking the time and effort that you have, in creating this plan for your relationship, you are giving your partner and relationship the best chance of survival, happiness and security.

One final thought, when a seed is sowed into the ground, you don’t pull it up each day to see if it’s growing. Patience is required. Commit your heart and mind today to throw all the love you can at your loved one. You know exactly what makes them feel loved. Don’t look back, don’t look to the left or the right, only look forward to the miracle that only love can accomplish. God bless you richly in your present or future relationship.

John Spinks