Real8Ability Factors: Master Relationships and Communication

The Eight Real8Ability Factors

In this video, Chris goes through the eight Real8Ability Factors:

1. I See You - I'm physically becoming aware of your presence and understanding what's going on inside of you
2. I Hear You - I'm beginning to get clarity of focus on what's going on
3. I Understand You - I'm engaging emotionally; I'm starting to feel what you might feel
4. I Care about You - I'm moved to compassion to care about you
5. I Appreciate You - I am in a position to demonstrate that I do care about you
6. I Challenge You - I am now energised to want to go through your challenge with you
7. I Support You - I will support you in your challenge
8. I Encourage You - I will encourage you as you move through your challenge

These 8 factors are the basis for a High Intensity Interval Conversation which allows both parties to enlarge their capacity to relate to each other. Everyone comes out having more ideas, more benefit, experiencing more freedom than when they started.

The Eight Real8Ability Factors

In this video, Chris goes through the eight Real8Ability Factors:

1. I See You - I'm physically becoming aware of your presence and understanding what's going on inside of you
2. I Hear You - I'm beginning to get clarity of focus on what's going on
3. I Understand You - I'm engaging emotionally; I'm starting to feel what you might feel
4. I Care about You - I'm moved to compassion to care about you
5. I Appreciate You - I am in a position to demonstrate that I do care about you
6. I Challenge You - I am now energised to want to go through your challenge with you
7. I Support You - I will support you in your challenge
8. I Encourage You - I will encourage you as you move through your challenge

These 8 factors are the basis for a High Intensity Interval Conversation which allows both parties to enlarge their capacity to relate to each other. Everyone comes out having more ideas, more benefit, experiencing more freedom than when they started.

LEARNING CHALLENGE 3: Identify your strengths in the 8 factors

In your relationships, which of the Real8Ability Factors are easy for you to demonstrate?

Relatability at the Workplace

How does relatability show up in the workplace?

We have either been confronted with or will eventually be facing difficult situations that involve highly charged emotions and upset people. When that happens, what do we instinctively do?

In this lecture, Chris recounts a coaching scenario that involved a chief executive of a successful organization learning how to use the Eight Real8Ability Factors to manage a potentially explosive staff.

Relatability at the Workplace

How does relatability show up in the workplace?

We have either been confronted with or will eventually be facing difficult situations that involve highly charged emotions and upset people. When that happens, what do we instinctively do?

In this lecture, Chris recounts a coaching scenario that involved a chief executive of a successful organization learning how to use the Eight Real8Ability Factors to manage a potentially explosive staff.

LEARNING CHALLENGE 4: Apply the 8 factors to a specific situation

What are some relational tips you can apply into your own situation?

Getting Ready for the Rest of the Conversations

In the previous module, you would have met Sharon, Marco and Liz having coaching conversations with Chris. In this module, they venture one more step towards connectivity by agreeing to have their nearest and dearest in conversation with them. Watch how they practice staying relatable by uncovering false evidence appearing real and by choosing to stay open and vulnerable to those who matter to them.

While the coaching conversations are between couples, these principles of relatability are also applicable in the workplace and Chris shares in the lectures how they can be applied in practical ways.

So grab your learning journal and let's continue our journey with our friends!

Marco Shares About Himself

Marco shares about his work and family and about some of the things that he is concerned with at his particular stage of life.

Introduction to the Conversation with Marco & Tanya

Chris introduces Marco and his wife Tanya. Chris explains why he felt it was important that Tanya was present and in conversation with Marco.

Introduction to the Conversation with Marco & Tanya

Chris introduces Marco and his wife Tanya. Chris explains why he felt it was important that Tanya was present and in conversation with Marco.

Coaching Conversation with Marco & Tanya

In this video, Chris speaks with Marco and Tanya about how they relate to each other. A strong and dynamic couple, Marco and Tanya speak openly about their perceptions of each other and how their interactions are impacted. Marco and Tanya share about a seemingly small incident that happened that morning; the "toast incident", that caused a big disagreement. Chris unpacks the incident with them and explains how unspoken questions get answered in different ways by both genders.

Coaching Conversation with Marco & Tanya

In this video, Chris speaks with Marco and Tanya about how they relate to each other. A strong and dynamic couple, Marco and Tanya speak openly about their perceptions of each other and how their interactions are impacted. Marco and Tanya share about a seemingly small incident that happened that morning; the "toast incident", that caused a big disagreement. Chris unpacks the incident with them and explains how unspoken questions get answered in different ways by both genders.

LEARNING CHALLENGE 5: Identify your 'small incidents'

Small incidents are often symptomatic of a larger problem. Can you identify any small incidents that show up often in your interactions with others?

Commentary of Marco & Tanya

In this lecture, Marco and Tanya share some of their insights from the coaching session.

Tanya came to some realisations on how she communicates with Marco and what her intentions were. Marco saw the need to be more positive and try to engage Tanya in a conversation. Both agreed that it is important not to give in or give up but to give their best to each other.

As a result of the coaching, Marco realised that when they came to agreement, it opened up more opportunities for conversation.

Commentary of Marco & Tanya

In this lecture, Marco and Tanya share some of their insights from the coaching session.

Tanya came to some realisations on how she communicates with Marco and what her intentions were. Marco saw the need to be more positive and try to engage Tanya in a conversation. Both agreed that it is important not to give in or give up but to give their best to each other.

As a result of the coaching, Marco realised that when they came to agreement, it opened up more opportunities for conversation.

LEARNING CHALLENGE 6: Use the Real8Ability Factors in a real conversation

Every honest attempt at being relatable will open up more avenues for conversation. Use the Real8Ability Factors to have an honest conversation with someone today.

Take time to reflect and note down what you've learned from applying the 8 Real8ability Factors to that honest conversation you had with someone. What worked? What could be improved on?

Commentary of Chris

The secret to being irresistible is not in being interesting but in being interested.

In this video, Chris shares more about the conversation between Marco and Tanya and why their conversation was successful. In essence, it is because they represented two people who are very willing to challenge their own interpretations and their own version of reality. They were open to drop their own perspectives and really understand what the other one is saying and to take the time to do that. The result was that the conversation was a relatable rather than a combustible one.

Commentary of Chris

The secret to being irresistible is not in being interesting but in being interested.

In this video, Chris shares more about the conversation between Marco and Tanya and why their conversation was successful. In essence, it is because they represented two people who are very willing to challenge their own interpretations and their own version of reality. They were open to drop their own perspectives and really understand what the other one is saying and to take the time to do that. The result was that the conversation was a relatable rather than a combustible one.

LEARNING CHALLENGE 7: How to be more interested rather than interesting?

What are some things you could do differently to demonstrate being more interested in the other party than just being interesting?

Marco & Tanya: Conversation in Review

In this video, Chris walks through the first three factors in the 8 Real8ability Factors; See me, Hear me, Understand me.

How do you understand the real intent of a person? In order to understand the other person, there is a need to interpret accurately in order to respond appropriately. Your love for the other person grows in knowledge with practice.

As Marco and Tanya's conversation demonstrates, being relatable allows you to connect and allows the other person to respond to you in such a beautiful way.

Marco & Tanya: Conversation in Review

In this video, Chris walks through the first three factors in the 8 Real8ability Factors; See me, Hear me, Understand me.

How do you understand the real intent of a person? In order to understand the other person, there is a need to interpret accurately in order to respond appropriately. Your love for the other person grows in knowledge with practice.

As Marco and Tanya's conversation demonstrates, being relatable allows you to connect and allows the other person to respond to you in such a beautiful way.

LEARNING CHALLENGE 8: Identify interpretations

Think of a specific person whom you have difficulty getting along with. What interpretations do you have of him/her that could create obstacles to your ability to relate to them?

Introduction to Sharon & Khing

In this video, Sharon and Khing speak openly about the time leading up to the decision to get married and what Khing did to make a good decision. Sharon also shares her goal and challenges as a life partner and internal questions she is seeking answers for.

Introduction to Sharon & Khing

In this video, Sharon and Khing speak openly about the time leading up to the decision to get married and what Khing did to make a good decision. Sharon also shares her goal and challenges as a life partner and internal questions she is seeking answers for.

Gathering All the Facts

In this video, Chris challenges us to stay open and ask ourselves the question: "Do I have all the information?" When we have missing gaps in our information, we often create a story about that situation which then becomes our reality.

When you share your reality with others with the perspective that you may not know it all, you then open up the channels of communication. You become relatable as you stay open to them.

1. I See You - I'm physcially becoming aware of your presence and understanding what's going on inside of you
2. I Hear You - I'm beginning to get clarity of focus on what's going on
3. I Understand You - I'm engaging emotionally; I'm starting to feel what you might feel
4. I Care about You - I'm moved to compassion to care about you
5. I Appreciate You - I am in a position to demonstrate that I do care about you
6. I Challenge You - I am now energised to want to go through your challenge with you
7. I Support You - I will support you in your challenge
8. I Encourage You - I will encourage you as you move through your challenge

Gathering All the Facts

In this video, Chris challenges us to stay open and ask ourselves the question: "Do I have all the information?" When we have missing gaps in our information, we often create a story about that situation which then becomes our reality.

When you share your reality with others with the perspective that you may not know it all, you then open up the channels of communication. You become relatable as you stay open to them.

1. I See You - I'm physcially becoming aware of your presence and understanding what's going on inside of you
2. I Hear You - I'm beginning to get clarity of focus on what's going on
3. I Understand You - I'm engaging emotionally; I'm starting to feel what you might feel
4. I Care about You - I'm moved to compassion to care about you
5. I Appreciate You - I am in a position to demonstrate that I do care about you
6. I Challenge You - I am now energised to want to go through your challenge with you
7. I Support You - I will support you in your challenge
8. I Encourage You - I will encourage you as you move through your challenge

LEARNING CHALLENGE 9: Identify your personal reality

Think of a relationship that you want to strengthen. What is your current mental and emotional reality of how things are?

Sharon & Khing: An Introduction to the Conversation

In this video, Chris sets up the context of the recent "doggy bag incident" between Sharon and Khing and what it has to do with being relatable.

Sharon & Khing: An Introduction to the Conversation

In this video, Chris sets up the context of the recent "doggy bag incident" between Sharon and Khing and what it has to do with being relatable.

Coaching Conversation with Sharon & Khing

Chris shares with Sharon and Khing about the prior Courageous Conversation he had with Sharon (which is covered in Module One). The outcome of the conversation was to enable Sharon to share succinctly with Khing was her current reality was how she was feeling about it.

Sharon then shares with Khing her current reality. With Chris facilitating, what follows is an interesting unpacking of how the seemingly trivial "doggy bag incident" was interpreted by the both of them very differently, resulting in very different realities. Chris expands on the concept of F.E.A.R. - False Evidence Appearing Real and helps Sharon to discover new evidence to dispel any false evidence that is creating fear in her situation.

Coaching Conversation with Sharon & Khing

Chris shares with Sharon and Khing about the prior Courageous Conversation he had with Sharon (which is covered in Module One). The outcome of the conversation was to enable Sharon to share succinctly with Khing was her current reality was how she was feeling about it.

Sharon then shares with Khing her current reality. With Chris facilitating, what follows is an interesting unpacking of how the seemingly trivial "doggy bag incident" was interpreted by the both of them very differently, resulting in very different realities. Chris expands on the concept of F.E.A.R. - False Evidence Appearing Real and helps Sharon to discover new evidence to dispel any false evidence that is creating fear in her situation.

LEARNING CHALLENGE 10: F.E.A.R's personal impact

F.E.A.R will always create fear, anxiety and unrest in a relationship.

1. Is there F.E.A.R in the relationship you want to develop? If yes, identify what are the specific thoughts and feelings.
2. How does this F.E.A.R affect you and the way you interact in this relationship?

Commentary of Sharon & Khing

What are the benefits of being relatable?

In this video, Sharon and Khing share what they learnt about each other's perceptions and also how communication with relatability set up a new more open and transparent way of communicating with one another. The result of that was more willingness to explore the whys rather than to placate the situation, more trust engendered between the two of them and more realizations of the need to communicate more.

Commentary of Sharon & Khing

What are the benefits of being relatable?

In this video, Sharon and Khing share what they learnt about each other's perceptions and also how communication with relatability set up a new more open and transparent way of communicating with one another. The result of that was more willingness to explore the whys rather than to placate the situation, more trust engendered between the two of them and more realizations of the need to communicate more.

LEARNING CHALLENGE 11: Identify the benefits of being relatable

What benefits of being relatable have your experienced as you practice with the 8 Real8ability factors?

Chris' Thoughts on Sharon & Khing

Sometimes it appears like we have no right to be upset especially when the other party is doing everything right. But not validating what you feel does not remove the issue. Chris unpacks how Sharon and Khing worked through the 4 different levels of a problem;

Level 1: The action and evidence of the problem
Level 2: The interpretation of the action,
Level 3: How was there a failure to demonstrate love
Level 4: What I am unwilling to change

In the course of being relatable with Khing, Sharon learnt more and different evidence which then helped her to work through a different interpretation.

Chris' Thoughts on Sharon & Khing

Sometimes it appears like we have no right to be upset especially when the other party is doing everything right. But not validating what you feel does not remove the issue. Chris unpacks how Sharon and Khing worked through the 4 different levels of a problem;

Level 1: The action and evidence of the problem
Level 2: The interpretation of the action,
Level 3: How was there a failure to demonstrate love
Level 4: What I am unwilling to change

In the course of being relatable with Khing, Sharon learnt more and different evidence which then helped her to work through a different interpretation.

LEARNING CHALLENGE 12: Outline a specific problem on the 4 levels

Use the 4 different levels of a problem to detail a relational problem that you wish to address.

1. The action and evidence of the problem
2. The interpretation of the action
3. How was there a failure to demonstrate love
4. What I am unwilling to change

F.E.A.R.

In this video Chris unpacks the "doggy bag" incident and recounts Sharon attempting to be relatable to Khing by sharing her reality and wanting to hear his reality. However, her ability to stay connected was initially coloured by F.E.A.R. - false evidence appearing real.

Facts and the interpretation of facts are different. We need to interpret accurately to respond appropriately. Conversations have an important role in helping to clear up misinterpretations and allow for proper interpretation.

F.E.A.R.

In this video Chris unpacks the "doggy bag" incident and recounts Sharon attempting to be relatable to Khing by sharing her reality and wanting to hear his reality. However, her ability to stay connected was initially coloured by F.E.A.R. - false evidence appearing real.

Facts and the interpretation of facts are different. We need to interpret accurately to respond appropriately. Conversations have an important role in helping to clear up misinterpretations and allow for proper interpretation.

LEARNING CHALLENGE 13: Stay open to different interpretations

When we have disagreements with others, it is normally because F.E.A.R. is in the way. Recall a time when a misinterpretation of the situation colored your perception of reality. How can staying open to listen to a different set of interpretations affect your understanding of reality?

F.E.A.R. at the Workplace

Chris shares a previous coaching where a coachee was experiencing anxiety because he was looking at being let go at his workplace. Chris provides him with a different perspective that affirms his true leadership, to debunk the F.E.A.R. that was discouraging him and distorting his reality.

F.E.A.R. at the Workplace

Chris shares a previous coaching where a coachee was experiencing anxiety because he was looking at being let go at his workplace. Chris provides him with a different perspective that affirms his true leadership, to debunk the F.E.A.R. that was discouraging him and distorting his reality.

LEARNING CHALLENGE 14: Help to debunk F.E.A.R.

Who is a trusted person in your life that can help you debunk F.E.A.R. that you face?

The Eight Real8Ability Factors at the Workplace

Chris works through a scenario where the manager is unhappy with the staff's late coming. He uses the Eight Real8ability factors to demonstrate how this can be done negatively and also productively. The secret is in staying open to the other person and recognising that we do not have all the facts.

The Eight Real8Ability Factors at the Workplace

Chris works through a scenario where the manager is unhappy with the staff's late coming. He uses the Eight Real8Ability factors to demonstrate how this can be done negatively and also productively. The secret is in staying open to the other person and recognising that we do not have all the facts.

LEARNING CHALLENGE 15: Get openness

A great question to get openness and a new reality is "Can you give me some new information?". Which of your relationships might benefit from this question being asked?

Liz: An Introduction to the Conversation

As a context for the next lecture, Chris walks through the previous module where helped Liz work through her most pressing issue, which was that she would find herself frequently giving in to others and then giving up and withdrawing.

Liz: An Introduction to the Conversation

As a context for the next lecture, Chris walks through the previous module where helped Liz work through her most pressing issue, which was that she would find herself frequently giving in to others and then giving up and withdrawing.

Liz Shares About Herself

Elizabeth shares honestly about herself and her work-life effectiveness challenges and its effect on her.

Describing the persona called "Corporate Liz", she is able to identify how this persona works at work but is not quite so effective outside of work. She also shares some context relating to her challenges of not being able to say "no".

Liz Shares About Herself

Elizabeth shares honestly about herself and her work-life effectiveness challenges and its effect on her.

Describing the persona called "Corporate Liz", she is able to identify how this persona works at work but is not quite so effective outside of work. She also shares some context relating to her challenges of not being able to say "no".

Coaching Conversation with Liz: Intentional Gratitude

Chris shares an important principle to move us from a Fight, Flight or Freeze mindset that makes us defensive or offensive, to a Relational mindset.

That principle is that of intentional gratitude, choosing to look for things you can be grateful about the other person.

Coaching Conversation with Liz: Intentional Gratitude

Chris shares an important principle to move us from a Fight, Flight or Freeze mindset that makes us defensive or offensive, to a Relational mindset.

That principle is that of intentional gratitude, choosing to look for things you can be grateful about the other person.

LEARNING CHALLENGE 16: Being grateful for a person

Think of someone that you would like to relate more effectively with and consider three things you can be grateful for in that person, or in how that relationship has impacted you.

Coaching Conversation Liz: Chris Role Plays As Liz's Husband

In this video, Chris role plays being Liz's husband in order to coach Liz towards being more relatable. Chris also tests the boundaries in order to see how Liz will stay relatable if the response is not what she expected. Liz does a great job by responding in a caring and sensitive way throughout the role play.

Coaching Conversation Liz: Chris Role Plays As Liz's Husband

In this video, Chris role plays being Liz's husband in order to coach Liz towards being more relatable. Chris also tests the boundaries in order to see how Liz will stay relatable if the response is not what she expected. Liz does a great job by responding in a caring and sensitive way throughout the role play.

LEARNING CHALLENGE 17: Stay calm despite unexpected responses

Liz stayed calm and collected and chose to be relatable even when confronted with an initially un-relatable response. What are some things that she did that you can adopt to develop your own relatability?

Liz's Commentary: The Effect of Being Relatable

In this video, Liz shares the benefits of having someone understand her and relate to her in a unique way. It demonstrated to her the need to be relatable.

Liz's Commentary: The Effect of Being Relatable

In this video, Liz shares the benefits of having someone understand her and relate to her in a unique way. It demonstrated to her the need to be relatable.

Liz's Commentary: Upcoming Conversation with Her Husband

Liz contemplates applying what she has learnt back at home and in the workplace. One key learning was her deciding that she will take a step back to think before responding.

Liz's Commentary: Upcoming Conversation with Her Husband

Liz contemplates applying what she has learnt back at home and in the workplace. One key learning was her deciding that she will take a step back to think before responding.

Intentional Gratitude

Chris shares about the power of intentional gratitude and thankfulness. It is a discipline of the mind and choosing to turn it on by being thankful creates an environment of relatability.

Intentional Gratitude

Chris shares about the power of intentional gratitude and thankfulness. It is a discipline of the mind and choosing to turn it on by being thankful creates an environment of relatability.

Staying Relatable

What happens when you want to be relatable and the other person does not want to be or is not prepared to be relatable?

Be ready and practice how to respond under different circumstances so that you will be not be robbed of the joy of being relatable.

Staying Relatable

What happens when you want to be relatable and the other person does not want to be or is not prepared to be relatable?

Be ready and practice how to respond under different circumstances so that you will be not be robbed of the joy of being relatable.

LEARNING CHALLENGE 18: Prepare to have a conversation

Consider the relationship you are looking to develop.

1. What part of the day or week is a good time to have a conversation?
2. What are some scenarios you can think of that may derail your best relatability intentions and what can you do to overcome them?

Chris' Review of the Conversation with Liz

Having someone support your process of becoming relatable helps you to be able to fully enjoy the benefits.

Chris recounts how Liz's practice at being relatable paid off. In her actual conversation with her husband, she shares with Chris that whatever they had role played came to pass. He also takes us through how the 8 Real8ability factors can show up in that conversation.

Chris' Review of the Conversation with Liz

Having someone support your process of becoming relatable helps you to be able to fully enjoy the benefits.

Chris recounts how Liz's practice at being relatable paid off. In her actual conversation with her husband, she shares with Chris that whatever they had role played came to pass. He also takes us through how the 8 Real8ability factors can show up in that conversation.

LEARNING CHALLENGE 19: Support to be relatable

Do you have a trusted friend or coach who supports you in the process of being relatable? If not, what steps can you take to find that someone?

Summary of Real8Ability Factors

Congratulations on having completed the module this second module! You've done a great job just staying with the process.

This second module has focused on the foundational level of relationships which is learning how to be relatable; relating to yourself , to others and to our future. People respond to us according to what they think we are thinking and feeling about them. If we are interpreting the facts accurately, then the quality of our relationships improve.

Don't worry if you've not been able to complete all of the Eight Real8Ability Factors at this time. It often takes time to become comfortable with new discoveries about ourselves. For instance you may have come to the realisation that people would benefit from you appreciating them more and you're working on that one factor. Well, that's a wonderful place to be! Just by looking for way to appreciate others more will already put you 10 paces ahead of your communications to connect.

Look for ways to stay on track as you review your learning and look for that special someone that you will communicate with to connect.

LEARNING CHALLENGE 20: Summarize your learning!

Congratulations! You have completed the second module.

Here are some key concepts that you would have encountered. Grab your learning journal or a pen and paper and write down your thoughts and reflections against each of them. Think of two relationships will benefit from your reflections.

• The Four Ways We Need Courage
• Being interested instead of being interesting
• F.E.A.R.
• Intentional Gratitude
• The Real8Ability Factors

We hope you've enjoyed this module. For more information on ROHEI's Inspired Learning Experiences or Chris Hogan's Coaching Practice, log on to www.rohei.com. We look forward to seeing you there!

Full Conversation with Sharon and Khing

Watch this video to understand the flow of the entire coaching conversation that Chris has with Sharon and Khing as a couple.

Full Conversation with Sharon

Watch this video to understand the flow of the entire coaching conversation that Chris has with Sharon.

Practice Conversation with Liz

Liz with Chris what she is going to say when she meets her husband to share with him her insights. Watch this video to understand the flow of the entire conversation as Liz practices.