Communication Skills Masterclass: A Blueprint for Home/Work

You'll learn two dimensions of communication (assertiveness and empathy) and how the four styles emphasize these dimensions.

In this lesson, I define and talk about our three most common styles of communication.

The three styles of dominate, accommodate and avoid are natural and even useful in our communication, particularly when devoid of conflict. In this lecture, I talk about when it's most appropriate to use each of these three styles.

Collaboration is the healthiest style of communication since it is high on both dimensions of assertiveness and empathy. I describe, in some detail, the meaning of collaboration and even assert that it is more a philosophy and way of being than communication style.

There are various patterns in our communication depending not only on my style but that of the other or others with whom I’m communicating. A dance is a good metaphor to describe them because they each have a predictable tempo and series of steps.

A key moment is a situation or event in which you feel threatened, vulnerable, or upset in some way. Something happens that triggers an emotional reaction in you. The question is how you respond, in ways that are helpful or unhelpful? Your response determines the quality of your communication and relationships.

In this lecture, I will teach you the "empowerment model," which is a way of understanding the elements of a key moment in order to expand your awareness and help you begin to take responsibility for your reactions during your key moments.

Now I'll teach you a mindset, made up of three core concepts, so you can respond rather than just react to your key moments. Only then can you build healthy relationships and use the communication skills I’ll be teaching you in coming sections.

I want to teach you some strategies in emotional self-regulation, things you can do to interrupt negative patterns of thinking, feeling and behaving so you can soothe or calm yourself so you can respond rather than simply react to a negative trigger.

I now introduce the communication skills we’ll talk about throughout the rest of the course. One way to think of these skills is as positive alternatives to the communication styles of dominating, accommodating and avoiding any time you want to influence others and/or strengthen your relationship.

Sometimes, when we’re challenged by a difficult key moment, we turn to others (friends, family, co-workers, ministers, or authority figures, etc.) or likewise, others turn to us for help or support. The common element that propels this search is a desire to feel better, although sometimes it’s driven by a genuine desire to solve the diffi­culty. I call this The search for help.

In this lecture, we look at some of the things we’re tempted to do or say that aren’t helpful.

The clearer you are about your desired outcomes, the more effective your communication is going to be. Most of the time, we focus on one outcome—solving the problem at hand. This narrow focus results in the trap of trying to force quick solutions while ignoring many other benefits which can come from our interactions with others. In this lecture, I introduce several desirable outcomes that will increase our communication effectiveness.

I'm sharing a personal story, an incident between my parents and I, that illustrates the value of being aware of several desired outcomes as we interact with others.

In this lesson, I introduce the empathy which I think of as the foundation of good communication and excellent relationships. In fact, I’d go so far as to say that you can’t effectively use the other skills if you have not established a foundation of empathy. I define the empathy skills as creating an atmosphere of safety, trust, respect, and goodwill and will teach you five specific skills, as we go through this section of the program, to accomplish this objective.

The first empathy skill is building goodwill. In this lesson, I'll talk about many ways you can bring an attitude of friendship and goodwill to your relationships whether we’re talking about family, friends, or people on the job.

Respecting is holding in high regard, to feel and show  “to hold in high regard; to feel or show honor or esteem towards something or someone.” When we respect someone, we make positive assumptions about their worth, capability, or potential. I will talk about many ways we show respect, including four attitudes we assume, usually unconsciously, towards ourselves and others.

Affirming is letting people know that you see them, that you value them, and that their performance or behavior measures up to your expectations. Sincere words of acknowledgement or appreciation carry the power to change another’s perception of themselves, improve their motivation, and drive them towards good behavior and success.

I'll teach you a few different forms of affirming statements as well as a four-step process for affirming others.

Listening is being with others in a way that allows them to fully express their point of view and know that they are heard. People want to be heard. Plus, the vitality of any relationship or organization depends upon the honest sharing of thoughts and feelings of those involved. This can only happen in an atmosphere that supports listening.

Let's listen to a mother and daughter discussion to understand the difference between good and poor listening responses.

We'll explore the kinds of things we say or do while listening that aren’t helpful, which prevent us from accurately understanding what another is saying or which cause another to feel unsafe and so shut down rather than open up.

I share eight guidelines for effective listening. Learning these guidelines will not only make you a better listener but more effective person in all your relationships.

Supporting is a transition skill from listening into problem-solving.  We use it to help someone think about what’s next, the steps they might take to move forward as well as the support they need from us.

Disclosing is a skill in which you get your thoughts and feelings into the open so others don’t have to guess or remain in the dark about what’s going on inside of you. Some disclosures are in the realm of ideas or opinions about a business situation. But other disclosures are personal and come more from the heart than the head. These disclosures have more to do with relationship dynamics than the topic at hand.

In this lecture, I share a very personal example of disclosure in a business setting. I use this to talk about how to disclose in a positive way that grows oneself as well as the relationship.

The left-hand column is a powerful way to understand how open and disclosing we are or need to be in a given relationship. The size of a left-hand column may be directly related to how safe you or others feel in disclosing their true thoughts and feelings. And here’s the important thing. The bigger the left-hand column the less transparency, openness or honesty in a relationship.

Carefronting is an important honesty skill. It is giving frank and honest feedback to an individual about behavior that is either outside their awareness, harmful, or that does not match up with what they say they want.

In this lecture, I introduce the skill of Harnessing Harmful Behavior which you use to confront harmful behavior or subpar performance and bring it into alignment with your expectations. As such, it could be thought of more as a tool of discipline. You use it to get compliance and create a climate of fairness and consistency both at home and on the job.

Harnessing Harmful Behavior requires that you set clear expectations. You can’t expect someone to comply if expectations are fuzzy or not well-defined. By making them explicit, you give yourself the leverage you need to enforce them. In this lesson, I teach you how to set clear expectations by presenting an example. 

There are 8 steps in Harnessing Harmful Behavior. I'll teach you the steps and give examples of how to apply them to your situation.

In this lecture, I’m going to give you several guidelines for using the Harnessing skill. By following the guidelines you’ll increase the likelihood of success as you enter into these sensitive conversations.

Years ago I had a bookkeeper who I had to confront using the Harnessing skill. The problem was that she could be very moody at times making it difficult for people to talk to her or handoff work to her. The morale of other employees was suffering and so I decided I needed to confront her and get a commitment to respond more positively to her coworkers. This example will help you know how to use the skill.

Leveling is a skill we use when animosities are interfering with your ability to communicate or get along in a harmonious way. Something has been said or done that has caused hurt or damage and now strong feelings are getting in the way of a good relationship. Sometimes both or all parties are aware of the problem. At other times, it may be a single individual who feels like something has gone wrong. In either case, leveling is a way to repair the damage and establish agreements that will allow you to communicate from respect and trust in the future.

In this lesson, I teach you the first three steps of the Leveling Process and apply it to a real situation.

In this lecture, I teach you steps four and five of leveling and also offer you some guidance in using the skill.

This is a skill to come to agreement when we have a decision to make and yet differ in our needs or opinions. The intent is to surface sensitive or important issues about which family members, friends, or work colleagues disagree, talk openly about them, and then come to a resolution which everyone can support.

In this lecture, you will learn the first two steps in Negotiating Agreements--get everyone's view on the table and then explore what is important to each party. I also explain the mistakes you can easily make when negotiating agreements and how to avoid those mistakes.

You'll learn steps 3 and 4 of Negotiating Agreements. I share some real-life examples of how the agreements work.

In this lecture, you'll learn how to use the skills of Negotiating Agreements in a family environment. You'll hear an in-depth example and explore other situations when using the skill is appropriate.

This lesson is an in-depth example of how to negotiate agreements and resolve conflict in a work setting. A supervisor has lost the trust of his team and has to regain it by using this skill.

In this lesson, you'll learn the meaning of self-responsibility and it's importance in motivating and developing people to give or become their best. You'll learn the difference between imposing control from without vs. instilling responsibility from within.

One skill for instilling responsibility in people is by Asking Powerful Questions. Asking good questions invites people to think for themselves. It helps them tap into their own inner resourcefulness and motivation and, thereby, insures higher cooperation, energy, and productivity.

Valuing is asking a specific sequence of questions to guide people in exploring the consequences of what is currently happening, identifying what they want, and then the actions they will take to make it happen. In this lecture, I introduce the first three steps of the skill.

You will learn steps 4 through 6 of Valuing. Each step introduces different types of questions: consequences, possibility, discovery, action and reality-testing. By the end of the lecture you'll be proficient at helping people come up with plans to go from where they are to where they want to be. 

In this lecture, I share an example of using valuing with an employee. You'll learn by seeing the steps and questions of the skill in action.

Good leaders expect a lot from their people and encourage them to grow and step up by asking for a commitment and then supporting them and holding them accountable. You'll learn a simple process for doing this in this lesson.

Most people want to do more than collect a paycheck. They want to know that they’re doing meaningful work that is making a difference to their customers, organization, or society. The Empowering Skill accomplishes this by expanding the scope of what they can do and giving them the authority, resources, and autonomy or control necessary to accomplish it.

This skill is used primarily at home to help children mature through taking more responsibility for themselves. I use an analogy of a sandbox. A child is responsible for everything in the sandbox. Of course, the sandbox gets bigger as a child gets older. By using this skill, parents think through the skills they want to teach their children, how to teach those skills, as well as let go of being over-responsible.

Contracting is a tool by which you as a leader can develop your people and as well as hold them accountable for reaching agreed upon goals. It starts with a formal meeting in which you help people define and set goals and then you continue meeting with them, periodically, to review how they are doing for the purpose of helping them improve their performance.

Thanks and congratulations for making it to the end! In this lecture, you'll hear a quick review of the main points and skills of the course. I'm also providing you a handout including all of the skills in a single document. I will also talk about a way to continue using the skills on an ongoing basis.