Assertive Communication Mastery: Confidence Without Conflict

Becoming Assertive involves developing an awareness of what you need and want and believing that you have the right to ask for what you want. Also treating yourself and your needs with the same respect and dignity as you’re expected to give to others. Acting assertively is a way of developing self respect and self worth. There is a two-way interaction between self esteem and assertiveness. You may be surprised that assertive behaviour brings you a greater response and increased respect from others and this experience in turn enhances your self esteem.

In order to be clear about what assertive communication involves, it is helpful to understand the alternatives and the differences between them. Passive or submissive behaviour involves yielding to someone else’s preference while discounting your own rights and needs. You don’t express your feelings or let others know what you need. The result is that they remain ignorant of your feelings or wants (and therefore can’t be blamed for not responding to them).

There are many different situations in all areas of life that will require us to make the decision: “do I speak up and risk being penalised or embarrassed in front of my friends, family, colleagues, or superiors, or do I remain silent, refrain from influencing a conversation or decision, and go unnoticed?”

Each of us, whether we realise it or not, has something called a Range of Acceptable Behaviour. When we stay within this range we are rewarded; when we step outside of this range we are punished by being dismissed, demeaned, or ostracised, according to Professor Adam Galinsky, (Professor of Business at Columbia Business School). To speak up, we need to both understand our range and also learn how and when to EXPAND it. The key thing that determines that range more than anything else is the ‘power’ the you have in a given situation.”

What is stopping you from behaving in an assertive manor and handling situations in the way you want? By understanding our own barriers to assertiveness, we can begin to break them down and build our positive assertiveness habits. Failure to be assertive can stem from many different reasons.

• Prior efforts to be assertive punished

• Fear of Rejection

• Need for external validation

There are several different barriers to becoming more assertive:

1. The Stress Barrier

2. The Social Barrier

3. The Belief Barrier

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SAY WHAT YOU MEAN - MEAN WHAT YOU SAY - DONT SAY IT MEAN

BEHAVING LESS AGGRESSIVELY:- If you want to be assertive but are concerned that others may find you too aggressive (or others have told you that you are too aggressive), here are some recommendations for turning aggressive behaviour into assertive behaviour.

Stand up for your opinions and stick to them. It can be a little harder to express opinions and stick to them when you know that others may disagree, but try to avoid being influenced by others' opinions just out of the desire to fit in. You may change your mind when someone presents a rational argument that makes you see things in a new light, but you shouldn't feel a need to change your mind just because you're afraid of what others may think. Like as not, you'll gain more respect for standing up for yourself than you will for not taking a stand.

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THE FOUNDATION OF ASSERTIVENESS

Confidence is defined as the trait of being certain of yourself and your abilities. A big part of assertiveness conducting oneself with confidence and not hesitating to express desires and beliefs. The difference between the two is communication. Being assertive can only happen if there is someone or something for you to be assertive towards, where as confidence can exist as part of the assertive mindset. Therefore, when communicating, confidence is perceived as assertiveness.

Confidence is not something that can be learned like a set of rules. It is a state of mind requiring positive thinking, practice, resilience and knowledge to help improve or boost your confidence levels. Confidence comes from feelings of well-being, security, acceptance of yourself and belief in your own ability, skills and experience.

Learn more in this section.

An important tool when learning to become more assertive is Resilience. Resilience is the process of adapting in the face of adversity, trauma, tragedy, threats or even significant sources of stress – such as family and relationship problems, serious health problems, or workplace and financial stress. Resilience is the ability to “bounce back” from these difficult experiences and adapt to the unpredictability of life . However, a person can have their own definition of resilience that is relative to their own lives.

‘Assertive people do not crumble when unfortunate things happen in their lives. They use resilience skills to adapt their mindset and focus on the solution rather than the problem.’

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ASSERTIVE COMMUNICATION

When people are passive or aggressive in communication their needs are often not heard. This leads to feelings of Isolation, Resentment, anger, Depression and Helplessness. In terms of the styles of assertive communication, most people do not fall clearly into one category or another i.e. Assertive, passive or aggressive.

We all use a variety of behaviour styles and much depends on the situation and particular people involved. It is important to become aware of our style and how we can communicate most effectively in a given situation.

Direct Aggression: Bossy - Arrogant - Bulldozing - Opinionated - Domineering

Indirect Or Passive Aggression: Sarcastic - Deceiving - Manipulative - Guilt-Inducing

Submissive: Moaning - Helpless - Passive - Indecisive - Apologetic

Assertive: Direct - Honest - Accepting - Responsible

Assertive communication starts with body language. Learn more in this section.

DEALING WITH CONFLICT

We will all have to deal with conflict from time to time. It’s a part of life that is unavoidable. However, how we handle conflicts can make a huge difference to the outcome, how we feel about ourselves and how we are perceived by others involved. There are right and wrong ways to deal with conflicts.

THE WRONG WAY Destructive conflict. This is the ‘gloves-off’ variety, in which the people involved specialise in hurtful criticism, throwing accusations at each other; voices are raised or shouting begins; everything that has been annoying them is brought up and dumped on the table all at once.

THE RIGHT WAY Constructive conflict. This is where differences and disagreements, hurts and resentments are dealt with openly and fairly. The idea is to get things off your chest but to keep your opponent’s character out of the argument. Have a specific issue and argue it through to a settlement without getting side-tracked by emotion or past history.

To deal with a conflict in the right way it’s important to think and plan the assertive behaviour you will display when discussing the issue at the heart of the conflict. Reacting emotionally during a conflict rarely produces a solution agreeable to both parties. Therefore, planning how you will address the conflict using these rules can help achieve a positive outcome.

Learn more in this section.

Being in control of a negotiation primarily comes from being assertive and demonstrating confidence from being prepared and having a well-defined negotiation strategy.

1. Work out what outcome you want first.

2. Set up options for yourself before you make a request.

3. Plan and set up the strategies for communicating.

In his excellent book “Never Split the Difference”, former FBI hostage negotiator Chris Voss explains there are three basic types of negotiators: Assertive, Analyst and Accommodator. Each has different needs, interpretation of time and silence, strengths and weaknesses.

ARGUING ASSERTIVELY

Sometimes arguments get out of control - while we all want to win the arguments we find ourselves in we don’t always want to make enemies in the process. Assertiveness training can teach you how to come out of verbal altercations with the upper hand while remaining cool calm and collected.

Learn more in this section.

Identify areas in which you are NOT assertive and work on them. You may be very assertive in some areas and not so in others. E.g. assertive in your job role but passive when talking to the opposite sex. You may need to work on your assertiveness in areas such as:

• Making New Relationships

• Intimacy • Setting Boundaries

• Public or Large Groups

• Authority Figures

• Money Matters

• Creativity

• Physical Space

Learn more in this section.

Being more assertive can lead to a more rewarding life. It can improve upon existing aspects of your life (such as better relationships with friends and family) and completely change or introduce other aspects (such as personal or career opportunities.)

While the decision to develop your assertiveness is a personal one, the rewards can be much greater than the personal satisfaction that being assertive brings. Being assertive not only improves your self-respect, but also earns you respect from others. The change in your behaviour can positively influence those around you, both in their behaviour toward you and also in their behaviour toward others. The combined effects of multiple acts of assertiveness will increase your confidence in multiple areas of your life. And the more positive and fulfilling interactions you have with friends, family, and co workers, the more these areas of your life will improve.

Learn more in this section.