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Most people don't realise, that when our main goal in life is to be approved of or accepted by others, we can unknowingly end up sacrificing our dignity, integrity and self-esteem in the process. When people behave like this, it's not uncommon to lose the trust, respect and admiration of others.
One of the main concerns that we have as human beings, is whether other people will like us, accept us, respect us and fundamentally appreciate us. So, the BIG question is, how might your life improve once you are no longer plagued by these insecurity issues?
Developing strong social confidence in life requires that we stop trying to be someone that we're not, and start being true to who we actually are - which is something that not everyone is taught about from family or at school. The good news, is that worrying about what other people think of you doesn’t ever have to be a problem again.
By the end of this course, you will be able to;
A wise man once said, 'When people won't accept themselves, how can they be accepted by anyone else?' So throughout this eye-opening course, we'll explore a range of crucial core truths, that if you build into your life and apply, will set you free from ever worrying about what other people think of you again.
While you can’t control what other people think of you, you can control what you think of yourself and how you respond towards those who judge you unfairly. One of the main regrets that people have, is that they spend more time 'trying' to keep people happy, than what they do just being themselves.
'Self Esteem Secrets: Why It's OK Not to be Liked By Everyone' will take you on an eye-opening, step-by-step journey towards better understanding yourself from the inside-out and accepting yourself from the outside-in. Upon completion, you'll understand with absolute certainty, why it's totally OK not to be liked by everyone.
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|Section 1: Introducing Self Esteem Secrets: Why It's OK Not to be Liked by Everyone|
It's only natural to want everyone we know to like us, but it is unnecessary!
As social creatures, we often concern ourselves with whether or not we're appreciated and respected by those that we know. We give in to the whims of others and hope to please everyone by attempting to behave 'appropriately'.
We worry ourselves about making the correct remarks, by saying the right thing and by laughing at the appropriate times, all for the sake of winning the approval of the company we keep.
The approval of others often becomes a top social priority which dictates the things that we do or don't do in life.
You see, investing ourselves too fully into how others perceive us can have negative and unnecessary consequences - many of which we'll be exploring throughout this course.
The main goals of this course are to help you transform your self esteem, build powerful social confidence and know why it's OK to not be liked by everyone!
|Lecture 2||11 pages|
Use this reflection log to keep track of any stories that you'd like to re-tell in the future, and also, any other A-haa moments that you have throughout the course:
“If your number one goal is to make sure that everyone likes and approves of you, then you risk sacrificing your uniqueness and personal excellence.”
We all know at least one hardcore people-pleaser. You know the signs: This person will sleep outside of a tent in the rain so that her best friend’s dog can fit inside of the tent. This person is 100% 'Good Girl' but pretends that she’s 'Bad Girl' just because her other friends are.
If a friend calls her stupid, she hand-make a batch of cookies and makes a card that reads, “I’m sorry for being such a disappointing friend.” And despite all her efforts to be liked by everyone, most people completely disrespect her.
Maybe that’s you, maybe it’s not—but odds are, you can relate at least a little to the desire to be well-liked. I mean, we all want to feel accepted, respected, and appreciated right???
DID YOU KNOW THAT EVERYONE HAS A GENUINE MOTIVATION FOR BEHAVING LIKE THE PERSON THEY’D LIKE YOU TO THINK THAT THEY ARE?
In fact, there’s a pretty good chance that most of the people you know aren’t the people who they make themselves out to be. Sure, their names are correct 90% of the time, but the character that they display is often just a facade.
The very identity that we’ve come to know for most people is a manufactured avatar of the real person underneath. Human beings haven’t really evolved as people. They’ve just developed more inventive masks to hide the true animals inside. As a result, almost everything that most people do is geared towards some level of misdirection.
It is designed to hide that which sits beneath – the real animal they are often too ashamed for others to see. If that true person were to come out for everyone to see, the mask will bring that large majority of us to shame. Unfortunately for these people, I, like many others, have learned how to see right through these masks. In this post, I’m going to show you what each mask is designed to hide.
Everyone you know is a hypocrite to some degree. The masks that most people wear were are usually the polar opposite of the personality they’re trying to hide. It is a form of misdirection, intended to allow that individual to blend seamlessly into their environment.
Masks are really a psychological defense mechanism designed for the sole purpose of easing the task of survival. People wear masks to be accepted, loved or ignored. Masks give them the cover necessary to facilitate acceptance by society. Being rejected by society can have very serious implications, ranging the full gamut from scorn to exile and even in some cases, death.
But we’ve become so dependent on masks, that we often use them to hide our true colours even when we don’t really need to.
|Quiz 1||5 questions|
The People Pleaser Quiz (Part 1): Is it hard for you to set and keep healthy boundaries?
If you answered yes to more than 1 of these questions you are most certainly a People Pleaser.
Most of us feel that others will not tolerate emotional honesty. We would rather defend our dishonesty because it might hurt others; and having rationalised our phoniness into nobility, we settle for superficial relationships.
One of the main factors that set great relationships apart from merely good ones is the depth of emotional intimacy.
There are, of course, other factors that contribute, but authenticity, vulnerability and deep emotional connectedness are right up there at the top of the list. When two people commit themselves to the process of being genuine with each other, they become, "psychonauts", who unlike astronauts who explore the outer reaches of space, choose to explore the inner reaches of the heart and mind.
Both types of exploration require courage, curiosity, motivation, and a spirit of adventure.
Falseness & superficiality will often come at the cost of genuine connection with others.
"He who dares not offend cannot be honest." -Thomas Paine
|Section 2: Understanding The Cost of People Pleasing|
The dictionary defines authenticity as a quality of being genuine and worthy of belief.
Hence, a person who is completely trustworthy is deemed to be authentic. Yet to be genuine requires a certain transparency, whereby others can witness the unfiltered personality, without any masking.
Most of us are too concerned with what others think of us. As such, we may disguise or manipulate features of our personality to better assure that others aren’t judgmental or adversely reactive to us. If I worry about what others think of me, then I manipulate my personality and communication, either to seek approval or avoid disapproval.
This masks my true or authentic self. Although this personality trait is commonplace, it is very far removed from authenticity!
There are certain core needs shared by every person on the planet. Some of these needs are physical such as food, water, and air. We also have emotional needs. Once our physical needs are met, filling our core emotional needs becomes our number one priority in life.
The need for approval fits into this category. Whether we choose to acknowledge it or not, the desire for validation is one of the strongest motivating forces known to man.
Whose validation do we want? Well, it all depends on whose opinion we value most. A child wants to feel approved of their parents while a teenager will generally seek the validation of their peers. Wives want the approval of their husbands, and visa versa.
The first thing people usually think of is the need for love. Was that your thought also? As powerful as the need for love is, in reality, it is the same as validation. In fact, love is the ultimate expression of approval. So love feeds the same core emotional need as approval does.
|Lecture 8||2 pages|
Answer the following questions to establish whether you are addicted to the approval of others or not.
Note: There are no 'right or wrong' answers here, just be honest with yourself!
With age comes wisdom; at least that’s what my mother always told me.
It’s an essential notion that as we mature, we learn more about life. As I get older, I’ve learned that there are certain ways to live your life that bring happiness and other ways that just bring stress. Life is about finding what makes you happy, and removing those things that make you upset.
Someone told me, “life is good if you know how to live it.” It was that simple statement, that obvious truth, that changed the way I saw everything in my life. I suddenly realized that I don’t have to hold myself to a certain standard of what people consider “the norm.”
I don’t need to live my life following abstract notions of what people want to see. I can break out of that and just be myself. It took a long time to figure out, but the secret to life is not giving a damn. Because caring about what other people think will never bring you happiness.
How many of your thoughts are devoted to the opinion of others? That heavy burden that weighs down on you day in and day out stems from the views of other people. Why is it that so much of our happiness is wrapped up in the opinions of others? One insult can send you to the deepest depths of misery and self-loathing.
The weight of others has become a burden. It inhibits you from living your life. Because your entire being, your personality, your thoughts, your actions are controlled by an idealized standard of what people want to see. When you become so obsessed with other people’s opinion of you, you forget your own.
We wonder about a million things every day that we shouldn’t have to think about. How am I perceived? What do they think about me? How does my life look to others? It’s a constant array of worries and self-doubt that torments us day in and day out. Now, imagine how free you’d be if you let go of all those thoughts. Imagine if you just stopped caring.
You can make a conscious effort to stop giving a damn; to let yourself free. It’s a skill that needs to be practiced, like meditating. But once you truly understand how to let go, you will see the world as entirely different.
Once you give up catering to other people, you will find out who you are, and that freedom will be like taking a breath for the first time.
The risk of being addicted to others' approval is that you end up living your life for other people.
You don't feel free to pursue your own goals and dreams, and if you do, you feel guilty for it. But you deserve to live the life YOU want, and you don't need anyone to approve of it but yourself.
If you allow yourself to truly look you will see that all your value comes from within. You can give yourself the approval directly that you are seeking from others.
|Section 3: Getting OK With Not Being Liked|
Did you know that the worst thing that anyone could ever say to you is ... I HATE YOU!
So, if you can get 'OK' with this, you can be OK with anything else that people throw at you too.
Pick a popular Twitter user and look at their @replies. Odds are they field their fair share of harsh comments. The higher you rise, the more attention you’ll receive, both positive and negative.
A willingness to be disliked will be more than enough to help you deal with any amount of scrutiny.
To be criticised negatively means that you have aroused something within someone else such as jealousy or a feeling of inadequacy.
In order for the hater to feel better and elevated somehow, they need to put other people down. When someone condemns us, comments unkindly on our appearance, judges our parenting style or disapproves of any of our actions, it is a pure and total reflection of them, not us.
Take relief and comfort that a critic’s words often have nothing to do with you at all.
|Quiz 2||5 questions|
Answer the following questions to establish if you have a tendency to 'People Please'.
(Don't worry if you do, as this is what we'll be addressing throughout the rest of the course)
In such a busy world, the importance of speaking the truth has never been more meaningful.
As human beings, we are so bombarded by gossip, loud noise and messages about how we should be living our lives, it’s no wonder many of us become overwhelmed and get confused about what we really want to say to each other.
I was never a very good communicator when I was younger. I was a shy child and I remember feeling things more deeply than I remember being confident about what I was trying to articulate.
In this video, I do my best to articulate the relevance of being truthful at all times.
Working on personal growth barriers will open up new levels of self-awareness, dissolve your existing barriers, and aid your personal growth.
Personal growth is a phenomenal thing, and there's a fantastic life principle that we can understand from TREE'S!
We do it all the time, even the nicest of us - we leave people behind.
We leave spouses behind, we leave neighbours behind as we move to the opposite Coast, with faint promises to keep up. We lose friends over the summer as we move up a grade or go to a new school.
We drop some friends because we can't take them with us anymore, and we say goodbye to others because, well, 'we can't keep up with everyone!"
Leaving people behind, it is one of life's most common 'roads untravelled'. Sometimes we leave people behind in a harsh sort of way, but more often than not, we just merely grow apart from them.
In this video, I'll do my best to explain how this happens - and also why it's OK!
The world of psychology describes comparative judgement as the judgments people make about whether there is a difference between two or more people (or stimuli).
Imagine how different your life would be, if instead of comparing yourself to other people all the time, you instead made a habit of comparing yourself to you?
See how much you have grown, what you've achieved, the progress you've made and how you have developed your abilities over the years. Imagine how you'd feel each day if you compared yourself to how you were 10 years ago?
This habit has the benefit of creating gratitude, appreciation and kindness towards yourself as you observe how far you have come, the obstacles you have overcome and the good stuff you have done. You'll feel much more confident about yourself without having to think quite as much about what other people think about you!
|Lecture 17||6 pages|
'Care about people's approval and you'll forever be their prisoner.' - Lao Tzu
People who succeed in life often have one thing in common. They have the uncanny ability to tune out the noise of the Could’s, Would’s and Should’s of independent opinion; focusing instead on steering the wheel of their lives.
Listening to other people tell you how to live your life might feel reassuring at the time, but rest assured it is a road to nowhere. They don’t know what it feels like to be you.
They don’t understand your emotional make-up, what makes you tick, your hopes or your fears. So why place any life decision into the hands of anyone else but you?
Here're ten reasons why people who are OK with not being liked by everyone are often more likely to make greater progress in life:
|Section 4: 7 Reasons Why It's OK Not Being Liked By Everyone|
The biggest disservice you can do yourself is trying to become someone that you're not, in order to win the approval or the acceptance of other people.
It’s an exhausting thing to do and, more importantly, a completely pointless act. In behaving like this, no one will ever get to know who you really are, which will just leave you feeling emptier that what you originally may have been.
How often do you say no to people? The chances are you say 'yes' a lot more than you say 'no'.
By now, you're more than likely already aware that this can be entirely counterproductive!
Saying no feels like it should be simple; after all, we are talking about just two letters. But for many people saying no is a hard thing to do, especially if you consider yourself a person who is always looking to please others and demonstrate that you can take any task at any time.
When you’re willing to risk being disliked, you’re able to say no when you need to. Your yes's and no's WILL shape your future, so make sure that you choose them wisely.
Mistakes come in all shapes and sizes.
When we first learn how to walk, we don't fear failure or beat ourselves up when we don't get it 'right' the first time. Many of us believe that we must pitch perfectionism, and we know that mistakes are inevitable, but this seldom stops us from pursuing perfection.
When we're young, any attempt we make to do something that isn't a complete success, we just see as a stepping stone in the right direction towards 'getting better'. We learn from observing other people, and know that if we put in enough practice, we might never be perfect, but we will become permanently better!
It's only as we 'mature' and get older that we spend more time focussing on our mistakes. If we attempt something that we're not quite able to master the first time around, we're made aware of it by others and are introduced to the idea of failure (and what failure means).
It's crucial to remember that just because we might 'think' that failure is a bad thing, this doesn't mean that failure is always a bad thing in actuality.
Sometimes, the more productive approach to mistake making is just learning whatever needs to be learned as quickly as possible, and having another go!
A wise man once said, "The more often you fail, the more information you now have that can help you to put things right" Isn't this an interesting idea!
If you want to be liked by everyone, the odds are that you’re spreading yourself way too thin trying to keep them all happy.
We need to use our time judiciously to benefit the quality of our own lives and the lives of others - instead of merely worrying about everyone elses perceptions of us.
When you are no longer fully preoccupied with people pleasing and doing the right thing by others, your focus sharpens and you can far more clearly see the things that you really want to do with your life.
The success principle of honesty is a lost art among many people.
To be honest is a part of success, because it shows that a person can be trusted. When we are people of our word, letting our yea be yea, and our nay, nay, we actually reveal that we are worth doing business with. Our word should be our bond. When we say we will do something, people ought to be able to carry that to the bank.
Honesty shows that we honor those with whom we associate. We respect them. It does not matter how good we are with our talents and gifts. Regardless of how well we do what we do, if our words cannot be trusted, people will lose faith in us. People love to do business with those who are fair, honest and reliable.
Actually, if you are going to attract the attention of the key players in the business world, those who stand out above the rest, you will have to learn how to be honest in your dealings with your fellowman. Your reputation will get around before you arrive on the scene.
People are always talking, and if you are not an honest person, word will get around that you cannot be trusted. Your character is more valuable than silver or gold. This is true, even though many in today's society do not want to believe it.
If you are a liar, or someone who cheats people out of their money by taking the money and then refuse to do the job you were hired to do, or refuse to do the job well, then you will find that people who could enrich you, will avoid you at all costs.
You cannot do away with the fact that you are judged by your character above all else. People may admire what you have, but who you are matters much more.
“The further you get away from yourself, the more challenging it is. Not to be in your comfort zone is great fun.” - Benedict Cumberbatch
In an increasingly competitive, cautious and accelerated world, those who are willing to take risks, step out of their comfort zone and into the discomfort of uncertainty will be those who will reap the biggest rewards.
“Only ever doing what feels comfortable is one form of suicide.” - Oli Anderson
Most people need to feel appreciated on a regular basis.
This stems from our very human need to know and feel that we're doing a reasonably good job in life. It also stems from the fact that, as mammals, we have the need to bond with our parents, family and clan. Plus, a little recognition also prompts our brains to release the feel-good chemical dopamine.
However, while feeling appreciated is a healthy thing, feeling a need to seek out approval from people in our lives (your boss, spouse, parents, friends, neighbors, even your kids) is quite the opposite. Being addicted to such approval can cause you to miss opportunities and put your dreams on hold all for the sake of being approved of, of being liked.
And even if you get approval from outside of yourself, if you do not feel good about yourself, you will feel it is just a lie and still feel empty inside. Wanting people to approve of you is very pervasive in our society. Most of us feel that without others approving of who we are and what we do, we have no value.
And the amount of time that all of this can waist ... is absolutely CRAZY!
|Quiz 3||6 questions|
Are you someone who just can’t say NO and often find yourself in a terrible fix?
Just how good are you at saying NO? Good enough to keep your emotional and personal boundaries strong? Or, are you a people-pleaser through and through?
If three of the statements below sound vaguely like you, you are not protecting yourself. You may be doing too much people-pleasing and thus allowing others to run your life. Consider adding "no" to your vocabulary more often.
|Section 5: Closing Thoughts & Final Section|
There was once a psychologist called Barry Schwartz who published the ultimate psychological brain-melt, The Paradox of Choice: Why More Is Less.
In it, Schwartz suggests that 'Choice overload,' as he calls it, makes us question our decisions, set our expectations too high, and beat ourselves up for making mistakes.
The book spawned the usual TED talks, and counterintuitive Internet takes. In an interview, Schwartz stated that the rise of social media has heightened the agony of decision-making through phenomena like the fear of missing out. So few people know how to find contentment in life.
One of my favorite Schwartzisms is this: If you ever aren't sure if you attended the very best party or bought the very best computer, just settle for 'good enough.'
People who do this he called 'satisficers,' and they're generally happier and more content than the 'maximizers,' people who feel that they must choose the best possible option every time.
What would it mean for you to take on the perspective of a satisficer, and acknowledge that where you are in life is good enough for today? Who you are in life is also good enough for today?
Without this perspective in life, you'll be most likely to end up chasing your tail for years, striving for perfection, and disheartened because you're unable to get there.
Just settle for 'good enough' ... because this genuinely is what it says on the tin!
"What goes around, comes around!" ... is an age old saying, but in this video I'd like to give it a slightly different meaning.
No good course would ever be complete without it's very own recommended reading list ... so here it is!
This video brings he course to a close (for now), and I can only thank you once again for enrolling in the first place, and also for placing your trust in me as your coach.
Moving forward, I will continue to develop the course by adding new resources and study materials (and please feel free to get in touch with me directly if there are topics that you'd like me to produce future videos on).
For now, though, if you'd be happy to take a few minutes to rate and review the course - I'd hugely appreciate it - this will allow other potential 'students of truth' to make a well-informed decision as to whether this is the kind of course that might benefit and help them.
But other that this, I'll look forward to hopefully seeing you again in one of my other courses ;-)
In the last decade, Kain Ramsay has influenced his following towards developing themselves in confidence, character, leadership and strength.
Kain has worked his unique brand of personal transformation with top business achievers, sports people, musicians, entrepreneurs and ex-military personnel by teaching how to live with greater intentionality, integrity and purpose.
He consistently astounds his audience by demonstrating how small changes in people’s thinking, can yield massive results in people's lives. He is one of the UK’s most trusted life coaches with over 28,000 people enrolled in his unique range of self improvement courses.
Beginning his career in the military, Kain spent 9 years in the British Army and served on Operational Tours in Saudi Arabia, Kenya, Kuwait and Gulf War II before terminating his service in 2004. Beyond the Military, he also developed successful careers in the finance sector, sales, marketing and in business communications.
He studied psychology and sociology in Edinburgh, before continuing in further study of NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming), Counselling and even Theology. Today, he serves as an influential leader in the personal development industry.
A successful entrepreneur and philanthropist, Kain serves as Chairman of Solid Grounds, a Scottish veterans charity, which serves and guides Ex-Military personnel through the often problematic transition from military to civilian life.
Kain's commitment to creating life-changing self improvement resources, is surpassed only by his passion for family as a dedicated husband to his wife, Karen.
COMMUNICATING | CONFIDENCE | LEADERSHIP | INFLUENCE | STRENGTH