Powerful Communication - The KEY to Success!

Prof. Paul Cline, Ed.D
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NLP - Neuro Linguistic Programming - The Ultimate NLP Guide

NLP - The Science of How To Program Your Mind

01:49:00 of on-demand video • Updated March 2021

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English [Auto] Communication communication is an amazing part of life. If you can't get this part right you're not going to do very well in life. It is absolutely positively huge. It's the be all end all if you're in sales. But we're always selling people on and on our ideas. We're always trying to have positive relationships we're always trying to influence people. So communication is a huge component of life and very significant in an LP. Because sometimes we use an n LP to communicate to people and get our ideas across and almost help change their programming subliminally. We're also looking at the communication that people are using so we can pick up on their systems model them and then grab their skills. So shameless plug I've got a great training on communication if you want to get more in depth than this but for now let's drive on. I'll tell you if you only want to learn one thing about communication today what I want you to walk away with you should literally write this on a post-it and tack it to your wall. It'll help you understand communication and help you communicate better. Remember regardless of what you think communication is the response that you get. You can say something to somebody and they can take it the wrong way. Isn't that true. And you say well that's their fault for getting it wrong. No it's feedback it's feedback that you need to change your communication say that thing in a different way. You need to apologize in between say that thing a different way until you get the response you get. Now salespeople are always watching for this. They're saying something in looking at what the person heard. Sometimes you say this is an amazing value and they what they hear is you're selling too hard or this thing's going to be really expensive. OK. They're not getting the right message she got to say it a different way. If you instead say hey I've got a great way that you can save 90 percent on this. Then instead of saying you're getting a great value and then thinking it's too high they thinking hey I'm getting a great deal I'm getting a huge discount. It changes the way they think about it. Now you said the exact same thing basically two different ways. But they also took it two different ways. So remember communication is always the response you get. You want to constantly be looking for the feedback and adjusting what you're saying and learn certain communication tools that you can use certain words and phrases that tend to get a certain response then you know those are good solid phrases to use and use them over and over and over again. So communications the response you get. Put this on a post-it tacked onto your wall and your communication skills will go through the roof next. This is they did an amazing study on this and this is how communication actually breaks down. I can remember thinking Boy you know there's something really intense going on. Maybe somebody died or you got to break some bad news to somebody or you got to tell them something is kind of sensitive and you say jeez Boy I hope I say the right thing. You know I never wanted to say the wrong thing to somebody. So when I was trying to figure out what to say this is this was my naivete at the time. I always thought that the importance of what you're saying was the word you were using. And later I found out literally through this study that I was doing it wrong because fully Ninety three percent isn't verbal it's tone and body language. Only 7 percent of the communication that people get the message they get from them to you is verbal what you actually say. So the thing that I was worrying about the most and I think most people do this as well was the thing that mattered the least. You know it's not what you say it's more about how you say and if you've ever had a good friend talk to you a lot of times are telling you things you know it's not really news you're not really giving you any solutions or information but because you they're using a wonderful warm tone with you and you can tell from their expression their body language that they're really worried about you. You knew that somebody cared. And it made a huge shift in your life. Why. Because your grown adult you can solve your own problems but you just want to know that somebody cared. The songs by a comedian can walk up and call you a weenie and you laugh why what they said on the verbal very logically put that through your computer. Is this guy just insulted me I should beat him about the head and face. That's what the verbal is. But the toad in the body language and the expression in the circumstances is no. He's doing this because he's playing with me. This guy must trust me and like me and know that he can tease me cajole me and I'll laugh at that. And you know what. He's not wrong. Ninety nine point nine percent of the time. Why. Because 93 percent of the communication was the tone in the body language the expression that he used the verbal meant almost nothing. So verbal is not that important. Tone of tone means the way in which you say something. Are you being empathetic. Are you being caring. Are you being sarcastic or are you trying to be funny. Are you trying to be understanding. Are you being angry. Are you being authoritative. These are all different tones. I remember there was some wonderful happy tones my mom would make and there was some angry tone. He would make you know I remember that when my professors and bosses and everything else sometimes it's not what they say it's how they say it. You know your boss walks up to you and says hey great job Paul where your boss walks up to you says Yeah great job Paul. Two totally different experiences now. Body language is huge too. And we said people always talk with their hands. It's a huge part of how you express yourself. So facial expression is huge. Along with hand gestures even how you sit how you crush your legs when you get your hands on your chin all these different types of body language type things are huge. This is why you can turn the sound off on the TV. You're not hearing the verbal tones gone but can still kind of sorta almost tell what's going on. Why. Because you're still getting 55 percent of the communication from the body language. This is the hardest part of acting. People can remember and read the lines and if you can't they'll give you a -- teleprompter the tone you know how to affect your tone pretty well without too many acting lessons. But getting that facial expression that body language that nonverbal verbal part down oh that's what makes a great actor. So these are the important parts of communication. Let's drive on because is much much more now. Communication can happen a lot of different ways. I remember my friend Nick he said when I go into a meeting I always make sure I got a goal and if I just say I say everything that I say is based on going toward that goal I win the conversation. Most people just come into a conversation and they have no go. It's good to talk about whatever comes up. I know my exact goal the outcomes I want. I've got a strategy in place to look at the first two goal oriented strategy and then what does he weave in. Well I've got a process that I do I like to do this first second third. I'm always weaving in these tools of influence. Another shameless plug I've got an entire course on tools of influence. And then I'm watching the person and getting that feedback. I'm adjusting as I need to and making sure that they're getting the meaning that I meant. OK. Communication is the response you get. And that is perfect communication and I want to go down through these lists. Communication can be a lot of different things. It can be a goal that you want to get. It can be seeking to influence somebody. It can be reframing something I do this in therapy a lot I want to give a different meaning to something. OK. This horrible experience means that you learn something as horrible experience means you're stronger now this horrible experience is why are you getting all these coping skills. And also this horrible experience is over. So this is a great time in your life. Thank God you're not the beginning of this problem. These are all reframes it changes what the meaning huge part of communication. Now the other big part of communication that I'm always worried about is called self-talk. Talk about this a lot my BT course rational motor behavior therapy is how do you talk to yourself. The most important part of self-talk is the self-talk that you do in your head what you say to yourself. This is a huge part neurolinguistic programming. Think about what Neuro-Linguistic Programming is we're trying to figure out how other people talk to themselves so that they can be successful and then we can duplicate that self-talk inside ourselves. It's a huge part of how we clone their success. So you got to be very careful how you talk to yourself. I read a great quote the other day it said Don't let your mind dwell on anything that doesn't bring you joy. Which means don't focus on the problem. Focus on the solution. Focus on what's great in your life not what's wrong in your life. Don't be mean to yourself don't say why are you such a dummy why do you always screw things up. This always happens to me all this negative negative negative self-talk you hear yourself making in negative self statement. Turn it around ok. Don't say why does this always happen to me. Say Thank goodness this is over. That's one less problem and I have my life. There are two ways to describe the same thing. One will make you feel empowered and feel great. The other will make you feel disempowered less able to handle the situation and feel lousy. Your communication with yourself the quality of your self-talk will determine the quality of your life and the resources you can tap into. There is communication you can do like I said that will empower you and communication that will disempower you. One gives you resources and strength and one takes it away. You've got to diminish the negative and increase the positive self-talk is huge now neurolinguistic Croghan this is a classic neuro Neuro-Linguistic Programming move. This is the linguistic piece. Literally the words you use will determine how you feel. Let me say that again the word you use self-talk the words you use the specific words you choose will determine how you feel. Now here I am showing them how you use it for intensity. Now this is the anger scale. You can be furious which is more intense than mad which is more intense than upset which is more intense than bothered which is more intense than miffed which is more intense than piqued. So what you want to do is if you're at the top of the scale you want to move your self down. Now I could come up with a list like this that was making you feel better and you want to go from the bottom up. So you want to decrease language that works against you and you may want to upgrade and increase the language that makes you feel fantastic so work your way down through the scale if you're saying you're furious switched to mad if you're mad switchy too upset if you're upset switch it to bother. Just work your way down over time. Great great technique you can do this with other people too. So he says oh my god I'm so furious at my boss. You won't believe what they did and they go blah blah blah blah blah. And you can say well I can see why you'd be mad about that. And all you did right. I mean blah blah blah blah blah. You know like wow. I'll tell you. I'll be honest with you I'd be upset if that happened too. And you say Well you're right. I was very upset. I was blah blah blah blah blah blah. And you go yeah. That would have bothered me in a girl. Yeah but it bothered me all day long. Notice how I took it from furious to mad to upset to bothered. You go down one tear at a time because if you say oh my god I'm so mad I'm furious you don't know what my boss did to me let me tell you I did it and do. And your response back is. Yeah I'd have been a little peeved to feel like Pieve. Now I'm furious you don't understand what I'm saying. You can only take him down one ticket at a time. Sometimes you need to take yourself down through the levels to so great examples. These are specific skills you can use go out and practice them every day you'll get better and better at it. Now here are some other ways great ways that you can change language. We talked about firies becomes mad mad becomes upset upset becomes challenged they can do it in other areas too. There's certain things that will block your resources that make things seem like they can't possibly happen. When you say something is unbearable this is when you have a nervous breakdown. This is when you get crushes when people go insane Don't ever say something is unbearable hell you're baring it I already know it's not unbearable because you're still here. You'd already shot yourself in the head if it was unbearable you'd already thrown yourself in front of the train. OK. So stop using words like unbearable which makes you feel absolutely awful. Switch it out and say well it's not really unbearable it's just really hard. This is really hard. I don't want to kid myself that it would be unrealistic to say oh that's like an easy no. But it's not unbearable it's hard. I can solve hard things. I solve hard problems every day. I don't know what to do. Here. Got a life like mine. Yeah you have hard things happen. When you say something isn't possible your brain listens to everything you say. That's part in Neuro-Linguistic Programming in our beat to your brain is a stupid goal seeking mechanism. It does what you tell. And it believes what you say to it. If you say something is impossible you can't solve that it's impossible. Your brain says Yes sir. Yes ma'am I I've got my instructions. A simple servant here will now take your instructions. I know it's impossible. I will stop looking for any and all solutions. Thank you for informing me. My goal here is accomplished. The impossible is now impossible. But if you say this is difficult but there is a way out. I'll bet you if I kick it around for a while I'll think of something your brain says Yes sir. Yes madam I am on that we've got our best people out and I'm going to work on this 24/7 even while you're sleeping. This is difficult but we can solve it. I will get on that and eventually an answer will float to the top. You can turn your brain on or shut your brain off. Using this kind of language is why people choke testers say oh my god I always joke when I go to a test. Your brain says instruction received and you know what happens next. So you also have to look at the bottom section here. Problem failure loser what I want you to do is notice that these are different philosophies different ways of thinking about things. Philosophies are huge in terms of the way that your mind works. So you can have if you can say I have a problem but I like to use the philosophy that's not a problem. It's a challenge. People hate problems. Nobody wants more problems. People like challenges. Playing sports is a challenge. Playing cards is a challenge figuring out a puzzle is a challenge. Doing a video game is a challenge. Throwing darts is a challenge. Going bowling is a challenge. Most games are challenges so I like to think of it as a game or a challenge as opposed to a problem that I feel fantastic when I solve it. Why. Because I wanted the game of life literally. Failure becomes feedback. Failure is actually part of the scientific method. How do you learn something in science. You have a hypothesis. Turns out not to be true. You try something over and over and over again. Also known as what massive failure until you hit the one thing that actually works. Also known as what mass is success and you win. So it's not failure because I got what I got feedback so I change failure into feedback. You know I figured out one way how not to get the solution that I wanted or one thing that doesn't work. So if he got listed like 10 things that you want to try. I don't mind losing on any of those having a quote unquote failure. It's not a failure it's feedback. It tells me that number 1 2 and 3 aren't going to work. Guess what one in seven chance one of the remaining ones are going to work. I get really excited when I filled nine times on a list of 10 things because I feel rock solid certain that that last one is going to work. Feels great instead of feeling terrible. Now the next one I'm a loser becomes I had a setback. It can't be a loser until you quit. It's not a Rocky story unless you have a few setbacks unless there's some kind of adversaries and push back against. You don't have a great story in your life when you say well here's how I turned a million dollars into 50 cents worthless real estate. No the Great One is when you have a bunch of setbacks Here's how he turned 50 cents a worthless real estate to a million dollars with like 12 people jumping on my back and trying to stop me and let me tell you that story. That's a great story. So don't tell yourself you're a loser you're not a loser to you quit. You simply had a setback. Need to re-evaluate replan. Kick some --. It's almost like a numbers game. If you do something often enough eventually you're going to win. And once you get that winning formula just like the scientific method you can do it over and over and over again and win over and over and over again. They call that massive success. Finally I want to talk to you about something called your explanatory style and analogies explanatory. Look at the root word. It comes in the root word explain. It's how you explain things to yourself. The robbers use a great one he says. You know your girlfriend or your boyfriend dumps you. And how are you going to feel is based on how you explain to yourself. You say oh this is horrible and they left me and nobody will ever love me or think God they laugh so somebody decent could come into my life. You know those are two totally different explanations for the exact same thing. What makes you feel horrible and the other one makes you feel fantastic. And actually the one that makes you feel fantastic is much more likely to be true. And after a couple of days you realize that and that's why most people usually start out feeling bad because we tend to go towards the negative. Then explain it to themselves different and then they feel better. And why not do it instantly. Why not learn that this is a technique and you can tap into this power anytime you want. Let me give you one more example of explanatory style. You get laid off from work. You know common lay offs you can tell yourself oh my god why did this happen to me. You know this is horrible I'm going to lose all this money or you can say hey explain a different way. I used to have one job. I was stuck in that job. I've been doing it for years now I get to go out and get do something new different exciting. Now I have an infinite number of jobs I could be working at. I could find a new job that pays me more that has more possibilities. It gives me more joy more fulfillment in life. It's exciting. You can be excited instead of depressed. It's totally up to you. This is how you control your emotions. And you can also use these analogies and these explanatory styles to change the way other people feel about things. So Neuro-Linguistic Programming is the science of how your brain works. So when you understand how your brain works. Like I said apply these things to yourself so you have a deep rich understanding of them and then immediately go out trying on somebody else. The next thing is analogise. People say things like you say how's your day going they go oh just another day on the battlefield well that's going to make you feel terrible. Who wants to go to war. This is not great. Or they say this job is draining the life out of me. OK. You need to tone it down a little bit. So it was a rough day at work but I came through you know job was tough but I made it out the other side. OK tone it down. You could say he had a hard day at work but I beat it like I always do. I was kicking -- and taking names. That's another way to describe it. OK. They beat everybody else but they didn't beat me. No other way to describe it. So use positive analogies in your life. OK. You will feel great. Remember this is another form of self-talk and self-talk determines how you feel which is a term in your entire life.