Fundamentals of Dealing With Difficult People AND Ourselves
A free video tutorial from Prof. Paul Cline, Ed.D
Prof. Paul - Business/Psychology Expert - 185,000+ Students
4.2 instructor rating • 49 courses • 185,539 students
Learn more from the full courseDealing With Difficult People In Life & Work - Powerful!
Exclusive Basic & Advanced Strategies For Dealing With Difficult People - Truly Unique!
01:50:10 of on-demand video • Updated June 2020
- You Will Have Specific Skills to Handle Each Major Type Of Difficult Person Effectively
- Be More Effective In Dealing With Office Politics
- Be Better Able To Set Boundaries
- Understand Difficult People Better - Understand Why They Do What they Do
- You Will Have Unique Strategies For Dealing With Difficult People Not Found Elsewhere
English [Auto] Hi, everybody, and welcome to Advanced Ideas presentation of dealing with difficult people. Won't you please give a warm welcome to Professor Paul Klein? Hey, wait, that's me. Well, I'm the guy in the right with the face built for radio and that handsome devil next to me in black. That's our corporate mascot, J.J. as you can see in the background, I'd like to read a book or two. One of the questions you have to answer whenever you're giving a training to people is why should I listen to this guy? And hopefully I have a good answer. Well, I've got several good answers. First of all, I'm the owner and CEO of Advanced Ideas. Our goal is to help people be healthy, wealthy and wise. That's kind of our motto. As you can see, I've read over 500 books near psychology, biology, finance, self-help, all the major areas of life. I've also got 44 degrees. I've got a bachelors in business, a two year certificate, chemical Pennsy counselling. I've had advanced masters courses in business administration. I have a master's degree in community counselling and an advanced masters in counseling and school psychology and a doctorate in cancer, education and supervision. What does that mean? It means I'm the guy who trains the guy who trains the guy who train the guy who did the counseling with you family, your loved ones. So pretty advanced, right? And beyond that, I've done many, many years of training, as you can see, through the books, through the audiotapes, to be an equivalent of at least four more doctorates. So follow along. We're gonna have a great training here today. And I just know you're gonna love it. Now, the next thing we always want to hit whenever we do a presentation is what are the goals for the training? What are you going to gain? Why should you be here? While you're here? Because you want to get ahead. You want to have less frustration with frustrating people, the difficult people that are always challenging us. And you want to learn how to gain some control over them and be able to make them less challenging and hopefully even turn some of these people around. So the first goal for our training is to gain an increased understanding of ourself and why we get so angry at others so we can eliminate that anger and alleviate that. To how to gain control over others by gaining control of ourselves. If we can't control ourselves, we can't control anybody else. So that's our locus of control and where we're gonna come from and approach these people from a place of strength. Three general tips for dealing with problem people in anger and for and this is what I love, specific tools, strategies and techniques for how to deal with specific types of problem people. And five, I just like to have a lot of fun. If this training thing ever becomes a lack of fun, no fun anymore for me, then I'm going to jump out, too. So let's proceed. So first thing is, you don't get mad for the reasons you think. So why do you get mad? Well, I'm glad you asked. We get mad for three main reasons. One, resistance to reality, to negative self talk in three, strangely enough, because we care. So the first concept is your frustration is your resistance to reality. This may seem odd at first, but I put a nice quote in here for you. It says, Your frustration will be in direct one to one proportion to your resistance to reality. How are we resisting reality? Well, we think frustrating people shouldn't be frustrating. Are you kidding me? What do you new. You've been around for a day or two. I was born at night, but it wasn't last night. I know that frustrating people are gonna be frustrating, but some part of me says they shouldn't be. Guess what? Reality says they are and they're gonna be. So as long as I resist reality. I'm going to continue to get frustrated over and over and over again. So I have to understand the reality, the situation. And once I do and I have acceptance and as they say in AA, acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. Then I have relief from my frustration. So always remember this. Write this down. If you've taken notes, your frustration will be indirect one to one proportion to your resistance to reality. What I am frustrated. I need to ask myself the question. What is it? What part of reality am I currently resisting? Now, how do we stop resisting reality? Two ways, one, by gaining self-control, control of oneself, and two, by letting go of some misconceptions. And these are common misconceptions that everybody has. I love this quotes by Jim Rohnert says, Don't wish the other person would get better. Wish you had more skill. Guess what? People aren't going to change. They aren't going to get better. The good thing is they don't have that much skill. So it's not hard to beat them. I'm a martial artist. I can take out about 15 guys at once and keep them all busy and actually win. Why not? Because I'm amazingly skillful, but because they lack so much skill. Like a magician. I have a trick. And if I keep doing these various tricks, just a handful of them over and over and over again, I can fool people every single time. Why not? Because the situation got better, but because I had more skill. When I'm attacked by 15 people, I'm OK. You may not be a simple matter of skill. I don't wish people would stop attacking me. I wish I had more skill. And then I went out and got me some. That's why I have a black belt in kung fu hole in my pants. Next concept, all control starts with self-control. Everyone thinks that eliminating frustration is about gaining control of the other person. But the reality is it starts with controlling yourself when you control you. You are the hub of the wheel and then you can control everything else around you. We talk a little bit more about that. So how do I control myself? The way you do it is by start letting go of some of your crazy ideas. Remember that resistance to reality. Now we're going to dive in crazy ideas. Crazy idea number one. People should have the same beliefs and values as I do. Absolutely they should. And guess what? They don't. And they're not gonna. Their wonderful beliefs. I'm sure. So you have them. You follow them. The only freedom we have in life is that I get to have my beliefs. And you get to have your beliefs. Rarely do they match. Two people should do what I want them to do. Maybe they should. Guess what? Once again, reality check. They're not gonna. Three people shouldn't act in ways that upset me. You're absolutely right. They shouldn't. And guess what they're gonna for? People should care about the things that I care about. The things that you care about are very important. They should care about them. And guess what? Repeat after me. They ain't gonna fight. People shouldn't get in my way. Absolutely right. They shouldn't. Reality says they're gonna. Six people should always treat me with kindness and respect. It's so beautiful. Tito, I need a tissue. They're gonna they're gonna treat you not with kindness and respect, but with unkindness and disrespect, because that's just the way some people are. Again, the only freedom you get is that you get to act the way you want. I get to act the way that I want. I can't control them. They can't control me. That's the only real fairness we get in life. So they're not always gonna treat you with kindness and respect. Let it go. Don't make it a must. But wait, there's more. Still more crazy ideas. One, people make me angry, upset, etc.. Actually, they don't. Matter of fact, in therapy, we tell people to stop saying statements like this and having beliefs like this and instead ask yourself the question, how do I allow people to make me angry? How do I upset myself? What did I do mentally that created my sadness? Again, this is you taking control back. Not other people do these things to you. They offer you opportunities to be upset and then you accept them. In Narcotics Anonymous, they don't say you have to. They say you don't have to go to every argument you're invited to. I say you can control your own mind if you look at it from a point of control. Two people should understand me. They should. But I'll tell you, as a therapist, most people don't even understand themselves. That's why I come to therapy three. I feel guilty when feel free to insert neurosis here. A lot of people feel guilty about things that they don't need to feel guilty about. You talk more about that later. For people should be there for me when I need them. They should be. Guess what? They're not going to be fight. Inanimate objects are out to get me. You ever seen somebody there driving down the road? They're late for a meeting. They're speeding down the road. And all of a sudden, bam, the hear pop and their tire goes out and they kick the tire and they go, stupid tire. This always happens to me just when I have a meeting. This is the theory that inanimate objects are out to get you that the tire knew this would upset you. It did it only to make you angry and it somehow. This is the smartest tire ever must have. Artificial intelligence knew that you were late for a meeting and chose that exact moment to blow just to get you crazy. This is craziest idea ever. Number six, life should be fair. You know, I tell my clients. Fair is an event in Tampa, Florida. It's awesome. Everybody should go to the Tampa Fair. They got Ferris wheels and cotton candy. And you can. They got car races and horse races and all kinds of fun things you can do. You can go on all kinds of rides and get strawberries. It's beautiful. It's a wonderful, wonderful fair. But the only fair you're ever gonna see in life, fair doesn't exist. Fair is an illusion we create. We try to run around from the time year zero to the time you're 18 years old and run around and try to make things fair for everybody. And I'll tell you, that's the last time things were ever fair. As you get out there in the real world. School of hard knocks, you quickly learn that life isn't fair. Should be fair. Is isn't. Let go of this idea. The only fair game you're going to see is in scenic Tampa. Beautiful. That's the type of fair you want to get to. But don't believe in fair as something that actually occurs in life. You had the ability to shape your life and to use some of the tools I'm going to give you and tools from the other trainings that I have that I can give you. And that's what's going to make life more close to fair. Again, you gaining new skills is what makes life more fair. But it's never going to actually be fair. So how do we get rid of these crazy ideas? One disputant go up one side and down the other. If you have one of these crazy ideas in your head, literally write it down, write down three ways that it isn't true and then go to step to replace them. Write down two, three, four, five, as many as you want, but usually two or three different new beliefs that you want to have. OK. Like, life isn't fair, but I can make it more fair by gaining skills. I can make it more fair by having money in the bank. I can make it more fair by having greater resources or by asking for help replace them. Three. Let them go crazy, you know. Just let them go. Stop holding onto them. People say, you know, if somebody throws a hot potato at me, what do I do? Throw back at him. Now just drop it. Let it go. It's very free. So next concept, if you don't control your mind, who does? And I love this quote by Plato, it says, The first and best victory is to conquer self, to be conquered by self is, of all things, the most shameful and vile. Get rid of this idea that other people make you angry, upset, worried, scared. Whatever you control, you, you take control. Always had the assumption that you're in control. And when you feel like you're getting angry, you feel like you're getting upset again. Ask yourself, how am I so effectively of setting myself? Remember, no one controls you unless you allow it. The Sharleen's say we only have those weaknesses which we allow ourselves. What weaknesses are you allowing yourself? So how do I practice self-control? By practicing. Duh. That was simple, right? And don't worry. Life will give you lots of chances to practice magic. This is a Mojie, I think is looking at me and laughing at me. It's a little upsetting. I want to practice. There's something out there called the School of Life. I used to think that people that were mean to me, they were negative in my life. Really, they're helping me practice my tools. I can't practice anger management until somebody upsets me. So they're giving me a chance to practice. They're actually one of my teachers, not my enemies.