Thawing the Inner Family of Self

Meet Your Inner Family of Self, Heal the Past, Increase Self Esteem and Enrich Your Relationships with Others!
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  • Lectures 47
  • Length 9 hours
  • Skill Level All Levels
  • Languages English
  • Includes Lifetime access
    30 day money back guarantee!
    Available on iOS and Android
    Certificate of Completion
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About This Course

Published 12/2012 English

Course Description

In the Thawing Your Inner Family of Self program I've blended the most useful and effective techniques I have learned in my almost 30 years of clinical experience. This multi-media course has a dual purpose:

1. It is designed for those who want to overcome Family of Origin Issues such as growing up in a less-than-nurturing family such as abandonment issues, codependency, PTSD, dysfunctional relationships, low self-esteem, chronic depression, etc.

2. It is designed to teach other counselors and coaches these very powerful and effective techniques for helping their clients too. The program is also a great compliment to any helping process by providing structure and tools for use with clients.

I combined the classics with some of the newest, most powerful personal transformation technologies available today to create this interactive process for Overcoming Childhood Trauma, personal healing and development. These include Gestalt psychology, Ego-State therapy, Inner Family Systems Therapy, Precision Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy, Transactional Analysis, Inner Child work, Parts Integration, Hypnosis, Neuro-Linguistic Programming, Schema Therapy, and many other models. This, of course, includes at the very core my own Iceberg Model.


What are the requirements?

  • Prerequisitie training & Materials Included in the course

What am I going to get from this course?

  • If you are a professional helper, add state of the art therapy tools to expand your toolbox and provide structure for your clients even after therapy or coaching ends
  • If you are helping yourself, learn effective skills for assessing the effects of childhood trauma and family of origin issues
  • Understand a unified model of addiction, codependency, and Adult/Child Syndrome
  • Overcoming long-standing emotional problems and abandonment issues
  • Be able to co-create and maintain healthy relationships with others
  • Develop a healthy relationship with self and increase self-awareness tenfold
  • Improve Self-Esteem & Confidence
  • Reduce or eliminate ineffective patterns of self-talk or behavior
  • Have access to these tools for life as a resource for ongoing personal evolution

Who is the target audience?

  • Don's Clients & Website Vistiors
  • Counselors, Coaches, and their Clients
  • Those Invovled in Self Help & Personal Growth

What you get with this course?

Not for you? No problem.
30 day money back guarantee.

Forever yours.
Lifetime access.

Learn on the go.
Desktop, iOS and Android.

Get rewarded.
Certificate of completion.


Section 1: Introduction and Course Overview
This is Part one of the Thawing the Inner Family of Self course overview. To visit my website go to . To contact me if you have questions click here .
This is Part two of the Thawing the Inner Family of Self course overview. To visit my website go to . To contact me if you have questions click here .
This is Part three of the Thawing the Inner Family of Self course overview. To visit my website go to . To contact me if you have questions click here .
Freemind Links
Section 2: Prerequisites
The Iceberg, Online Presentation
238 pages
For those who would rather read about the Iceberg Model I have also included this free PDF version of Thawing Adult/Child Syndrome, my second book in the Thawing the Iceberg Series . I chose to make this book part of the course because the content in the Assessment Phase of the Thawing the Inner Family of Self Program is covered in some detail.

NOTE: If you would like to order any of the Paperback or Kindle versions of books in the Thawing the Iceberg Series directly from click here .

Video and detailed information to orient the learner on the concept of ego states or parts-of-self. 

1 page
Things to do in preparation before you begin the assessment and recovery work.
Section 3: Assessment Phase

Please answer the questions as thoroughly as possible. Then complete the formulas at the bottom of each page. If you would rather download the document go to the "Extra's" Tab on the right side of the screen.

NOTE: Set your browser to "always allow popups" for Udemy or you may not be able to download documents

7 pages
Please answer the questions as thoroughly as possible. This short answer instrument will help you begin to surface memories from the past and may be uncomfortable - that is to be expected. Record your experiences in the notes section off to the right of this page or in a journal. 
View this video to learn about Survival Roles. Use the notes section as needed to record your observations as they pertain to you. These notes will help at the end of the Assessment Phase when you put it all together in the summary of "My Self-Preservation System".

NOTE: This video makes reference to a PDF below the viewer ... This video is also a part of a program in my Thawing the Iceberg Online Membership site that has PDF's below the viewer. That thumbnail is not actually available with this viewer so please just ignore that reference. Thanks, Don
2 pages
Here is a written description of the Survival Roles. Use it to identify your place or role in the family and those of your siblings. You may want to write about your thoughts and observations in the notes section or in your Journal.
1 page
Review these three basic styles of coping with programming from childhood such as abandonment issues, self-sacrifice scripts, family rules and roles, and many of the other issues found in this assessment phase. Take notes and keep them for the end of the assessment phase.
Learn about ego-states and how they relate to Imprint experiences in childhood that result in unspoken family rules and parental injunctions. Again, take notes as you watch. You will use them in at the end of this Assessment phase.
3 pages
Learn about and identify family rules and parental injunctions as they may pertain to you. Remember that you may not be aware of ever hearing or receiving an injunction, but you may see evidence of it in your life and feel a pressure to obey.
6 pages
This document describes the various psychological or existential positions that are outlined in the video Family Rules & Injunctions (see Lecture 5 in this section). There is also a recommended  assignment in the document called the OK Corral designed to help you uncover your positions and the patterns of behaviors associated with the subsequent self-talk.
Learn about the origins of defense mechanisms created in childhood and adolescence that are intended to neutralize or conform with family rules and parental injunctions. Keep notes as you will need them at the end of this phase of the program.
3 pages
Here is a written description of the five Drivers and how they may be connected to the survival roles you identified in presentations 3 and 4 in this section . Download a copy and use it to complete the suggested assignments.
2 pages
Complete this worksheet to uncover your primary emotional themes, the parts of self involved, and the circumstances that tend to "trigger" these states. Keep the record for the Self-Preservation System summary at the end of this section.
2 pages
Please review and familiarize yourself with this written summary of the roles in the Drama Triangle. Then complete the journal questions and save your notes. (for much more information on the Drama Triangle Click Here )
2 pages
Virginia Satir, the "Mother of family therapy", created these categories of basic dysfunctional coping styles. The are included here because of their resemblance to the Drama Triangle Role. These also bear a striking resemblance to the child-created ego states of the Vulnerable/Needy Child, The Angry/Defiant one, and Little professor strategies of "numbing out" and staying busy to keep that external focus. Taking one more look allows us to also see the three basic styles of coping with imprints, injunctions, roles, and life scripts ~ fight them, surrender, or avoid them altogether (see above .

Audio Introduction to the "Meet Your Inner Family" Series. The video's have a relaxing motion background for those who don't like staring at a blank screen when listening to audios. If you would prefer, just get comfortable, close your eyes and follow along. You may want to take notes from time to time; if so, just pause the video. 

Ego State Projection exercise of the "Meet Your Inner Family" Series. These video's have a relaxing motion background for those who don't like staring at a blank screen when listening to audios. The are no other slides included so, if you would prefer, just get comfortable, close your eyes and follow along. You may want to take notes from time to time; if so, just pause the video. 
Connect with your Ideal Self to a create a goal image in this exercise of the "Meet Your Inner Family" Series. These video's have a relaxing motion background for those who don't like staring at a blank screen when listening to audios. The are no other slides included so, if you would prefer, just get comfortable, close your eyes and follow along. You may want to take notes from time to time; if so, just pause the video.
This is a 20 minutes guided imagery exercise designed to help you create an inner sanctuary or safe place for inner child work. These video's have a relaxing motion background for those who don't like staring at a blank screen when listening to audios. The are no other slides included so, if you would prefer, just get comfortable, close your eyes and follow along. You may want to take notes from time to time; if so, just pause the video.
4 pages

For each of the following questions write as much as you can in your Journal. Use your intuition and instinct rather than your analytical mind. It helps to close your eyes relax, settle back, and just ask yourself each question – then wait for an intuitive response. Take your time, you can glean a wealth of information from this exercise!


This video describes the dynamics, magical thinking, and child-created ego states involved in a dysfunctional pattern of communication called "The Figure Eight." The next several lectures below provide tools for learning and practicing CBT skills to strengthen the Adult Ego State. Use them as needed, especially if your child-created ego states make it a habit to "drive your bus" by overwhelming the Adult Ego State.

Crash Course on the ABC's
3 pages
1 page

 Download this form to your computer to fill out electronically. You may send the completed version to your therapist or coach, print them out or 'print to a file'. Then you may reset the form by clicking the reset button.

NOTE: Sending the document by email will require setting up a free account with EchoSign (By Adobe). When you click send the program will take you through the sign-up process.

If you would rather not open an account (many of us don't like to do that) Then you can print out the document and clear the form (see instructions below)

The PDF worksheet does not allow you to directly save the document to your computer, but it does allow you to print it out. From the "print" function you can "print to file" to save it to your computer or just print it out and take a picture of the document with your phone, or scan the printout back to the computer.

Once you have printed your document, then click the 'reset' button on the bottom of the page to clear the form for your next use.

ABC's & the Figure Eight Form
1 page
My Self-Preservation System
1 page
Wellformed Outcomes Video
Wellformed Outcomes Goal Setting Process
1 page
Section 4: Recovery Phase

Simultaneous Incongruence is the experience of inner conflict and commotion created by ego states with competing goals. It is very difficult to sort out the issue with all the commotion in our inner world when we get triggered. We need a way to remain objective and not get pulled into the chaos and emotional turmoil as we attempt to heal.

Gestalt Therapy and NLP helps us sort it all out with the concept of Sequential Incongruence ~ the process of projecting the parts involved in a conflict or symptom to our outer world, spatially separates us from them so we can communicate. There conflict remains, but the commotion is quieted down as the parts involved are sorted out.


1.  We literally want to open lines of communication between different parts of our brain that have previously not been well connected. In the self-psychologies the term for this disconnection is “fragmented self”. When one part of you communicates with another part of you, neuropathways in the brain are being utilized to do that. The more we engage in these dialogues, the more open and connected these pathways become. In some cases we are even establishing connections that did not exist. The therapeutic term for this is “Integration.” The neurobiology term is “neurogenesis” or brain growth. 


In this task we will use the trust and rapport we have been developing to gain the cooperation of the parts involved in your Well-formed Outcome goal. Since the protector parts are, in psychoanalytic terms, defense mechanisms they cannot do anything but what they were created to do – i.e., defend and protect the current survival system.

If we ignore these “managing” parts; plowing forward to make changes to your survival system we are asking for and creating unnecessary resistance. Indeed, even in the best of circumstances we will encounter resistance – but it won’t be unnecessary. It will be in the form of concerns or objections by parts we have already taken the time to get to know. 


Once permission to access is given and all manager parts (defense mechanisms) have stepped aside, we are now prepared to access the wounded part.

In this task we need to bring the wounded part to the front and center, while managers fade into the background. Don’t be surprised if a manager steps up, or a new manager steps out into your awareness…just ask them about their concern or objection, negotiate/reassure them, and ask them to stand aside.


To develop a healing connection it is important to send the wounded part your empathy and compassion, even if you find the part distasteful at first.

If you do find it difficult to have empathy for this part them ask the part that creates the lack of empathy to step out into the room and work with that part. Find out what it thinks and feels toward the vulnerable wounded part and work to reassure and get it to step aside just as with any other manager.


The Re-imprinting process opens the door to healing by going to the imprint experience or experiences, watching the imprint happen, then using NLP techniques such as visualization and perceptual positions to re-experience the imprint the way it “woulda, shoulda, coulda” been in the ideal scenario. This doesn’t take away what happened in the original experience, it simply adds another experience alongside of the original. Now the brain has a choice on which experience to go to when triggered…it may start in the old direction by habit, but with a little guidance in the beginning, it can go in the new direction.


This is the core healing exercises, these can be very powerful and build on the work you have already done. (Use the Retrieval & Emotional Release process here.)

This is the phase were we help the managers choose and learn and develop new jobs…or get modified back to their original intended purpose

In your Journal, make a list of each of the parts you have worked with in the process above. Record their new jobs, new resources, new beliefs, and new roles for the personality as a whole.

Develop a visualization of the family of self working together in these new ways and practice that visualization for a few minutes every day. (See generic Self-Actualization Meditation)

Section 5: Skills, Processes and Bonuses
Use this process where indicated in the Recovery Phase of the TIFS Program. Listen once or twice without pausing the video just to orient yourself to it. Then listen again to complete the instructed visualizations and take notes in the notes panel to the right. Take each issue through the process several times until you feel you have achieved maximum benefit. Meditate on the new imprint during morning meditations and any time throughout the day to strengthen the newly created neural circuitry.

As with other processes here, you may use this skill even outside the structure of the TIFS program.
Use this process to "unburden" an exile or manager of the emotional toxins. The retrieval need only be done once for each part while the release may be done as many times as needed for various issues and imprints. Intensity & repetition help to reinforce and strengthen the work.
Use this video in conjunction with lecture 41 in the Recovery Phase as well as anytime you need or want to reassign a "manager" or return one to its original intended purpose. (Note:heal the exiled or wounded part before trying to modify the managers)

Use this process in conjunction with lectures 27 through 30 in the Assessment Phase to help strengthen the Adult Ego-State. The more difficult it is for you to manage emotions & triggers, the more important it becomes to do these strengthening processes.

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Instructor Biography

Don Carter, MSW, LCSW, Therapist, Author, Consultant

Don Carter, MSW, LCSW has been a psychotherapist for nearly three decades during which time he has been employed at several mental health agencies around Mid-Missouri. He has held positions from entry level up to manager of a chemical dependency program at a large hospital.

Don has authored four current bestselling books in the areas of addiction, codependency, and Adult/Child Syndrome. His Iceberg Model is known worldwide and the basis of all of his books and online courses.

The middle of seven children, Don grew up on a farm with hard-working parents who had their own issues from childhood. The farm work lead to a scholarship to play football at the University of Missouri at Columbia in 1977-79. He followed that with a brief stint with the New Orleans Saints in 1980. That experience was cut short by a developing problem with alcohol and drugs. A series of childhood tragedies and bouts with addictions lead Don to his first encounter with the mental health system when he entered an inpatient treatment program at 29 years old.

Don found treatment and recovery such a profoundly gratifying experience that he returned to school, finished two degrees, became a licensed therapist and dedicated himself to helping others find their way out too. The Iceberg Model in his bestselling "Thawing the Iceberg Series" was a product of the years that followed. Don attributes most of the success of that series to his relationship with God. "I really feel I am living the plan He has for my life and carrying a message He wants me to carry."

Don's primary specialty areas include addictions, codependency, mood disorders, PTSD, and Adult/Child Syndrome. He also has specialized training in Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) and Hypnotherapy. He is in private practice in the Jefferson City & Columbia area of Mid-Missouri.

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