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You will be taken through the journey of divorce, from the shock of finding out your wife wants it over, to asking if she is sure about the decision to end the marriage. Then you will be given ideas on how to avoid the worst affects of each stage during the divorce process.
You will find out why working through counseling is worth it for you, your kids and, even if you do not think it is worth it now, your ex partner.
You will be shown why mediation needs to be taken seriously and why using legal systems to fix personal conflicts is the worst path ever.
Understand why best method for negotiating your way through a divorce is compromise and not aiming for the perfect division of anything.
Find out simple yet effective ways to stay sane while you ride the roller coaster that is divorce.
Through eight lectures ranging from five minutes to twelve minutes, I will provide tips and hints on what to expect during a divorce and how you can find your own path through it. All the while, reducing the mistakes that will embarrass you later and hurt your kids and tips on how to forgive yourself for the mistakes.
There are also more than six PDF ebooks that go through each video in more detail while sharing how I worked my way through the process as an example of how to, and how not to, survive the transition to a new life.
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|Section 1: Men verse Divorce - how to deal with the emotion and stresses of divorce|
A short version of my first divorce and how my second marriage went into the divorce process but ended up staying together due to the learning from the first time.
The focus is on the emotional aspects rather than the legal aspects.
Understanding that a divorce is not you verse the world, but how you cope and transition into your new life.
Understanding that most men are on the receiving end of the separation.
Most men want to save or fix the marriage.
If men push hard to fix the marriage in the wrong way, then it becomes another source of conflict.
Rather than push for a fix, ask for separation counseling. On the first session, at the beginning, ask if she is truly wanting it over with.
If she wants to try fixing things, then work for the fix.
If she is clear that it is over, then you need to remove the hope, follow through with doing the separation counseling and begin the process of dividing up your lives and preparing for the future.
Doing the counseling helps reduce the stress of separation, reduce emotional outbursts, and prepare you for the future.
The goal of divorce is to work through the most difficult life event as best as you can, and separation counseling is a major key.
Another key is being honest with yourself about how things got so bad that it is over with and how will you work on the negatives so when you reach the end of the process you have a better chance of a better life.
Reinforcing the idea for gaining closure.
Understand clearly that while you are going through a divorce, you are also in the beginning of a new life. This is a chance to begin the new life in such a way that you learn to do things differently.
Beginning with how to handle conflict, such as needing to mix up saying yes and no in order to give yourself some respect and put yourself into a good position in negotiations.
Understanding that increasing the conflict only increases the emotional stresses to a point where you end up breaking or snapping.
Moving forward also means asking for help from others while using the alone time as a time for self reflection. This can mean counseling, help lines, church groups or visiting friends.
Understand that men do not need to talk about the issues directly, it is enough for us to just talk about anything other than what is stressing you out.
Understand that you have played a part in the situation so are better off focusing on yourself and dealing with the personal issues.
There is no point in blaming others for what has happened.
There is not point attempting to prove that you are right and that she is wrong.
Focus on the things you can control, everything else is wasted energy.
Understand that what you focus on is what you get. So if you are looking for a fight from her, then your actions will reflect that thinking so you will begin every thought as if you are in a fight when in fact it may not be needed to resolve the issues.
The focus is to resolve as much as possible through mediation and to avoid the legal processes of resolving conflicts at all cost.
Mediation means understanding her points more closely with a view as to why she thinks that way. Then figure out a way to meet her half way through negotiation.
The stages of divorce are mostly the same as the stages of grief.
With a divorce with children, the differences between grief and divorce is that you still have to deal with your ex. This means that you need to grieve while having ongoing contact with the person who imitated the grief. So you need to deal with the stages and grow or the process is at risk of becoming and ongoing, non stop event.
Anger and Bargaining.
Depression, Reflection, Isolation.
The Upward Turn.
Reconstruction and Working Through.
Feed the good wolf, not the bad wolf.
The emotions you feed the most, are the ones that win the game.
Remember that a divorce is a transition, not an end, so treat it as a transition and a time to begin building a new you.
Start with as many of these things as possible.
Mediation is the best way forward, so treat it with respect.
Some keys to helping the process work better include
The first half of my life I adventured through forests, mountains and lakes.
I traveled to 24 countries and lived in three and relished the different cultures and ways of thinking.
I also worked hard and went from store man to retail manager of 100 plus people, I specialized in turning unprofitable stores into profit makers using simple strategies that revolved around the people taking ownership of their job.
Then in the mid 2000s my marriage was ended and I discovered that it really is as soul destroying as people say it is, and regardless of the common nature of it, the devastation it causes is significant for those involved.
Ten years later, having recovered, remarried and having moved onwards and upwards, I find myself a stay at home father with family goals that include returning to my youthful nature of adventure. With plans for a world bike ride as a family, shifting to a developing country to see what support we can give and focusing on others, I decided to share what I have experienced and learned along the way so others might avoid my mistakes and become motivated to chase their personal dreams, regardless of what they are.