How to overcome relationship turmoil and get your life back
Welcome to the Relationship course where you will learn all you need to know to develop great relationships, romantic ones, with people, with yourself and even with things.
My name is Flavio Souza-Campos; I will be your instructor.
Do you know a person who cannot get along with someone else but at the same time can’t let them go?
We think of couples in these cases, but it happens to anyone: parent/child, siblings, co-workers, neighbors, friends, anyone who inhabits the Earth.
We call this “relationship turmoil”, and relationship turmoil has been associated with anything from decreased productivity and financial distress to poor health and early death. Just watch to movie War of the Roses to know what we mean.
For almost 20 years we have helped people in relationship turmoil. We offer a unique way of solving this problem. We start with the idea that there are no true “relationship problems”, there are personal problems that affect relationships. Not all personal problems make a relationship difficult or nearly impossible. Usually the culprit is one personal difficulty, the effects of which on the relationship the participants remain unaware, leading to a lifetime of suffering.
In this course I present a series of in depth discussions informed by over 31000 therapeutic sessions with over 7000 clients. As you listen to these discussions you will ask yourself “how could this apply to me?”
The course will take you into a deep introspection of your own life, so that you can identify the aspects of your person that make your relationships difficult. You will then learn how to change yourself.
I begun developing this methodology in the late 90’s, and by 1998 published a paper on this topic and later presented this material in several conferences to other therapists. The use of these techniques has generated much happiness to many people; it will do the same for you.
This course is presented in a unique way: just you and I, looking at one another. Experience as a therapist suggests that eye contact and lack of distractions generates maximum benefit to you.
There are no requirements to enroll, other than an open mind, a loving heart and a sincere desire to be a better person. Mastering the concepts presented however, may require patience. Of course I will be available to help in case you need… just send a message!
Fell free to look through the course description and preview some classes.
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Al human problems and suffering stem from problematic relationships. Relationships do not just occur with other people, they occur with your body, with food, with life itself, with God, etc.
This is an important concept: there are no relationship problems, there are only personal problems that affect relationships.
The ideal way to solve interpersonal relationship turmoil is when both parties are interested and willing to work on the relationship. This does not always happen, but it is ideal.
Lack of awareness of the existence of a problem is what is called denial. True therapy starts once a person overcomes denial.
We tend to want to gravitate towards people that make us feel good and avoid those around whom we do not feel so well. From the growth perspective they are both your teachers and efforts should be made to avoid the temptation to run away from people we do not like.
When an interpersonal relationship is in turmoil and the other party is not interested in therapy, you should seek your own therapy as an individual. You will find that as you heal the situation becomes better even if the other person seems to be doing nothing.
Ask yourself this question why do we form relationships? Those who believe only in relationships that feel good are bound to feel frustrated when they no longer feel so good. There is a purpose for relationships.
Pay attention to how you relate to everyone and everything. You will discover that each relationship reflects a part of you back to you.
There is a natural tendency to avoid that which does not feel good. In this case, avoiding people we dislike robs us of the opportunity to learn something about ourselves.
Enabling is a term typically used in the context of recovery from drug and alcohol abuse. Here we expand on this definition and explain why it is important to refrain from enabling others.
A very important discussion. Please watch this and think it over carefully. The movie "War of the roses" may be interesting in this context.
This is perhaps the most lecture in the course. Forgiveness is not a favor you do to a bad person, it is a favor to you.
Forgiveness is not the same thing or even related to forgetting events or people. This is an important concept that once mastered will improve all of your relationships.
In this section we will look at what the course of miracles can add to our understanding of relationships
The course of miracles includes a central notion of unconscious guilt. Much of our suffering stems from that guilt. This is important because guilt is often projected in relationships.
This unconscious sensation of guilt ends up being repressed or projected. Therein lies the source of most of our pain and suffering.
From the perspective of unconscious guilt as discussed here, only true forgiveness can be the solution and pathway to a great relationship.
Special relationships feel good in the beginning but the pleasure runs out. Soon special relationships feel horrible. The path forward is forgiveness which leads us into Holy relationships.
When you heal you forgive and bless. Forgiveness and blessing encourages the other person to do the same, and that is how special relationships become Holy.
Forgiveness is experienced and practiced. Practicing forgiveness allows us to transform all of our relationships into Holy ones.
Pay attention to the effect that you have on others. Often we have an unintended effect on other people. That could mean a problem that, once observed, could be solved.
Contemplate your life carefully to identify issues that you can change to improve its quality.
The two ways of solving a personal problem.
This is part of what they call the pathological model. The notion that at one time you were free of the problem, until something hapenned.
We have a whole course just about this topic. It is the course on creative visualization.
This is an important topic because there is a difference between running away from a difficulty versus pursuing a new goal.
In many personal relationships problems arise that simply represent internal difficulties, within ourselves. Think of the pleasure and responsibilities that each of your relationships entails.
In all relationships there are responsibilities because we end-up making promises an thus becoming responsible for the other person's feelings and well-being.
The ultimate break-up is death itself, when the relationship between you and your body is interrupted. At that point your personal growth on the earth ceases. This model is important.
If your safety is compromised you should seek help from the authorities. However, from the perspective of this course and spiritual growth, realize that there are no true victims. This is a tough discussions, but keep it in mind.
When you persuade someone to do something for you, there is mutual growth, but when you manipulate someone, you will feel demoralized at some point. Restrict the temptation to manipulate in order to improve your relationships.
Manipulation as we define it here is the "easy" way to get your way with the people in your life. But each time you manipulate you denigrate yourself.
People who manipulate others are also frequently manipulated by others. When you refrain from manipulation you also protect yourself.
People often talk about the way things were, and relationships tend to deteriorate. The deterioration is directly linked to the concept of manipulation.
True accpetance, as we explain here is the basis for all healing.
By "marital" we mean any type of adult relationship where the participants consider themselves to be a couple.
Most people have no trouble with such a definition of marriage, but in therapy, problems are presented that indicate disagreement with the stated principle of loyalty. Here an understanding of the unconscious mind is very important.
Profound inquiry of our unconscious motivations may reveal a lingering attachment to parental ideology that hinders further marital development.
The lack of a strategy to deal with temptation to infidelity is an expression of denial that may just lead to failure. A strategy is important. Here is one idea that may be of interest to you.
Odysseus acknowledged that he wanted to hear the sirens singing, but he did not want to copulate with them at the cost of his own life. So Odysseus implemented a well thought-out strategy ahead of time that allowed them to hear the song and still save his life and ship.
If you are honest with yourself and really mean to avoid problems and temptation then you must consider avoiding situations that create the public perception that something ilicit is happening.
Marital temptation can be avoided if you really want to.
Plato presents the teachings of his teacher, Socrates (470 - 399 BC). In a dialogue known as the symposium, Aristophanes presents a beautiful account of love and sex.
Aristophanes explains why we seek one another and what we really want out of love. Aristophanes equates love to a search for wholeness.
Humans are powerfully motivated to find their other half, no matter their ages. Please consider that the person in your life now may be your other half. Often what is needed in other to find our other half is for us to adjust our own lives to our expectations.
This is an approach that has proven effective in restoring marital love for many people. You may want to consider it.
Modern life is great and filled with opportunities, but changes in gender roles and expectations can be a huge source of stress for some couples.
Think of the male and the female energies as complementary. Active conflict is only possible between males and isolation is only possible when the female energy prevails. This has been the singularly most important issue found in couples therapy. This is a very important class.
Please consider reading the book Psycho Cybernetics by Dr. Maxwell Maltz
One excellent movie that may be helpful here is "What the bleep do we know?"
Making, getting or having more money, by itself, will never heal your relationship with money. Ask yourself how you first came to know about money and what it was used for. Therein may be the roots of much financial anxiety.
Religion in this context simply refers to an unquestioned system of beliefs. By this definition most people have a religion and believe in some form of god. know your true religion and god and you know yourself.
A key concept for students of mysticism and metaphysics is that of duality. It is as if each one of us is two, not one.
Looking at children as autonomous human beings who need temporary help and guidance, recognizing that have their own existence, perhaps helps in establishing a healthy perspective towards them.
This is a frequent source of stress for most people. This discussion is quite frank, not the sort of discussion likely to happen in actual therapy, but a necessary discussion.
Caring too much for objects or being so negligent that they they all break in your hands represents a significant revelation about you.
True story that represents an example of how our relationship with objects and things around us can reflect parts of ourselves that we sometimes are unaware of.
Flavio Souza-Campos Ph.D.
Dr. Flavio Souza-Campos is the founder of the Hypnotherapy and Counseling Center in Miami, Florida. Dr. Souza-Campos studied engineering and philosophy at Florida International University. His Ph.D. in biomedical engineering delved into the etiology of degenerative diseases and the relationship between medical paradigms and health care provision. He started practicing hypnotherapy in 1996, established the Miami chapter of IACT in 1998 and was awarded the IACT Humanitarian award in 2000. Flavio practices hypnotherapy full time, teaches basic through advanced hypnotherapy, metaphysics and philosophy classes on a daily basis as well as online courses & webinars, is a frequent guest on local radio and TV programs, and directly trained several successful hypnotherapists.