Family Constellations - Do it Yourself

Family Constellation therapy dives deep into the hidden, unconscious dynamics that run through a family’s history. It was developed by German psychotherapist Bert Hellinger, who wanted to uncover where family members have been excluded or left out—and more importantly, to bring those fractured pieces back together.

This approach isn’t just about immediate family like parents or siblings. It also takes into account past partners, ancestors, and anyone whose struggles have become part of the family’s collective experience. Think of it like this: if a family business once mistreated employees, that energy and guilt can ripple through generations, creating an unconscious drive to make things right—even if no one talks about it.

Hellinger believed that all suffering in a family ultimately comes from some form of exclusion, usually involving a parent or both. He identified three core “orders of love” — basic principles that naturally govern family relationships. These aren’t strict rules; more like natural laws, like how a tree grows. When these orders are honored, families tend to heal. When they’re ignored, problems show up—illness, repeating relationship struggles, getting stuck professionally, or feeling personally blocked.

What makes Family Constellations powerful is its focus on cold, hard facts. It looks at what really happened:

• Who was left out because they were gay, struggled with addiction, or just didn’t “fit in”?

• Who walked away?

• Who died—and was it sudden or traumatic?

• Who was abandoned?

• Has there been suicide or violence in the family?

• Were there miscarriages, abortions, or stillbirths?

• What about messy divorces, where someone got forgotten or replaced?

By acknowledging these difficult truths, therapy helps bring what’s been separated back into the family system. This isn’t just about remembering—it’s about seeing the bigger picture and gaining insight that can set things right.

At its core, Family Constellation therapy is about reconnecting—healing the invisible wounds that have quietly shaped your life, without you even realizing it. When you understand these hidden ties, you open the door to real change and freedom.

In the next chapter, you’re going to explore something deeply powerful—the importance of reconnecting with your parents and truly understanding the roles they play in your life, as well as the deeper symbolism they represent. This isn’t just about family ties; it’s about taking a crucial first step toward feeling whole and complete as a person.

Think back to our earliest human ancestors: the man as the hunter, venturing out into the wild to provide food and protection, embodying strength, courage, and action. Meanwhile, the woman was the family’s carer, nurturing and holding the home together, offering safety, warmth, and emotional support. These roles, rooted in survival and balance, echo through time and still live within us today.

You are literally 50% your mother and 50% your father. That means both the hunter’s drive and the carer’s compassion flow through your veins, shaping who you are in ways you might not even realize. Recognizing this balance inside you is key to unlocking your sense of self-worth and vitality. When you honor both sides—the bold provider and the nurturing protector—you start to feel more grounded and whole. And that foundation? It’s what will fuel your journey toward true personal fulfillment.

So, reconnect with your roots. Embrace the legacy your parents carry, because in doing so, you reconnect with yourself.

The Orders of Love aren’t rigid rules you follow like a checklist. They’re more like natural laws—fundamental forces that shape how family systems operate, grow, and thrive. Just like gravity or the rhythm of the seasons, they’re always at work, whether we’re aware of them or not.

They are seen as fundamental principles that maintain harmony within family systems. When these orders are violated, it can lead to emotional and psychological disturbances that often manifest in our daily lives—sometimes in subtle but persistent ways.

There are three core principles at the heart of these orders:

• Belonging

• Hierarchy

• Balance

Each one plays a vital role. When they’re respected and in harmony, the family system tends to flow with more peace, connection, and resilience. But when they’re out of alignment—when someone is excluded, when roles are confused, or when giving and receiving are off-balance—tension builds. That tension doesn’t just stay emotional. It can show up in very real ways: chronic stress, physical illness, anxiety, strained relationships, even financial struggles or a persistent sense of failure.

Think of it like a tree. A tree doesn’t follow “rules” to grow—it follows an order, a natural unfolding. Roots come before branches. The trunk supports the limbs. Everything has its place and time. That same principle applies to human families. There’s an invisible structure guiding how life flows through a system. When we honor it, things tend to flourish. When we ignore it, things can start to break down.

Whether we like it or not, this process is alive in every living system—including yours and mine.

I belong.

You belong.

We all belong to a family system that is interconnected to a previous system, that in turn is interconnected to a previous system... and there can be no exclusions. Bert Hellinger said, "All pains come from some type of separation."

We have a place in a family that is unique and exclusive to us, no matter what.

Every time a couple gives birth to a child a system is formed. If the same couple has many children, they are all part of this one system. However, if the husband or wife moves on and have a child with another partner, a second system is formed. And this new system has priority over the first one without the first one being excluded.

The first wife or first husband will always remain as wife and husband. There are no exes because no one can be excluded and everone belongs.

A PARENT

A parent can never be replaced by someone else. They can be dead, have never met their child, have abandoned them or even be an egg or a sperm donour.

There is and there will always be one father and one mother for every child, and they are the biological ones. They gave life. Without them the child, you or me would never be alive.

ABANDONMENT & ADOPTIONS

The family system is and always will be the biological one. It doesn't matter if the child will never meet their real parents or if the adoptive ones are lovely.

The child will always be loyal, unconsciously loyal to their biological emotional patterns and behaviours.

CHILDREN OUTSIDE OF A MARRIAGE

They must be included and counted as sibblings.

ABORTIONS, SPONTANEOUS ABORTIONS & STILLBIRTHS

They all belong to their families and must be seen as a member even though they are dead.

SUICIDES & DRUG USERS

They too belong and their choices must be acknowleged and respected so no one else keep following them.

ASSASSINS & VICTIMS

They become part of the same system after the crime is committed. It's an illusion the assassin can be pushed away. Hellinger has shown that in his workshops; they lay together side by side on the foor.

Violation of Belonging:

• What it looks like: Someone in the family has been excluded, forgotten, judged, or rejected.

• Daily Symptoms:

  • Feeling like you don’t belong anywhere (in relationships, groups, workplaces).

  • Persistent self-sabotage or low self-worth.

  • Unexplained guilt or shame.

  • Depression or existential emptiness.

• How to Identify:

  • Look for patterns of exclusion in your family history (e.g., abortions, adopted-out children, estranged relatives).

  • Reflect on your own sense of belonging—do you feel like an outsider without a clear reason?

The Presence of the Past

We have the tendency to blame and to criticise everyone who came before us and forget that we'll be submitted to the same scorn and criticism by the ones who will come after us.

Traditional therapy taught people to point fingers and blame the parents for all we are today; specially for all that went wrong. And that does is keep us looking to the past instead of creating a future.

We feel entitled and little grateful. We forget this couple we call parents are two human beings just trying to survive. They are just a man and a woman before becoming a parent.

In Constellations, I've lost count the number of people I met who were living and re-enacting their parents lives when criticising that same exact thing the hated about them.

Always remember: "Everyone does what they can with what they have in a given moment.'

If we knew better, we wouldn't choose worse.

Ancestors must be honoured and respected. We don't need live like they did or act in the same way they did. But they've paved the roads, learned how produce food in large scale, build houses, schools, sewages, make warm clothes for winter times, fought wars, and survived hardship so you and I could be alive today.

Not understanding that we all abide to systems and carry generational imbalances will set us for more suffering.

We are our parents. Each of them contributes to 50% of who we are. Blaming and shaming them will never bring peace to ourselves. We take them as they are and move on to create ou own lives; not better or worse theirs, just a different life.

Violation of Hierarchy:

• What it looks like: Children take on parental roles; younger siblings take on older sibling responsibilities; boundaries are blurred.

• Daily Symptoms:

  • Chronic anxiety or burnout (especially from "carrying" others).

  • Over-responsibility, being the “rescuer” or “parent” in relationships.

  • Inability to trust authority or structure.

  • Difficulty receiving help or guidance.

• How to Identify:

  • Notice if you’ve felt responsible for your parents’ emotions or problems.

  • Reflect on whether you often feel older than your years or like “the strong one.”

BETWEEN PARENTS & CHILDREN

Parents give, children take.

Parents give life. There's nothing bigger than life.

So they are bi and children are small, even when they grow up.

And when a child(adult) tries to give back to a parent, "they will break". It's impossible. And they should never try. They will be breaking the natural hierarchy and balance laws.

Children(adults) can only take from parents.

They will be able to balance the situation later in life when they have children. And if they don't, they must find a way to give back to society, to serve their community in some way.

BEWTEEN COUPLES

Man and woman are equals and they must put in 50% each for their relationship to work. When they break up, they must also take their 50% with them and leave the other 50% with their former partner.

If there is cheating and you find out, you have two choices; stay or go.

STAYING AFTER CHEATING

According to Hellinger, you must never again talk about it and be compensated for it. You must do some kind of 'revenge', yes that's right. This is not your traditional therapy. If you pardon your cheating partner, he or she will feel small in relation to you who's become some "superior benevolent soul".

IF YOU PARDON A PARTNER, the relationship will not resist and end.

IF YOU 'REVENGE' A LITTLE, the relationship stand a chance of survival and may thrive.

What is this revenge about?

For instance, let's say it's a cheating husband. The wife could break the bank, use his credit card to buy something for herself. It all must be proportional and a little bit bigger than what was done to you.

When a partner cheats, Hellinger recommends that it's kept silent and that a compensation must take place. That compensation, again, is proportional to the cheating. And you should feel what it's right.

GROWING A RELATIONSHIP

There must be a constant exchange where one gives something, the other gives back a little bit more. The one who recieves must always return 'the favour' proportionally and a bit more. Like that, the relationship expands always.

Violation of Balance (Giving and Taking):

• What it looks like: One person gives much more than they receive, or vice versa—especially in adult relationships.

• Daily Symptoms:

  • Resentment in relationships.

  • Feeling used or emotionally depleted.

  • Trouble forming or maintaining romantic partnerships.

  • Repetitive cycles of giving too much or expecting too much.

• How to Identify:

  • Are you constantly giving with little return? Or do you tend to withdraw and take without giving?

  • Do you struggle to ask for or accept help?

Systems is a holistic way to see things and how they work.

"We are one"

What’s a Fact? What’s a Perspective?

It sounds simple at first. A fact is something solid—objective, provable, something everyone can agree on. A perspective is personal—how you see things, shaped by your experiences, your emotions, your point of view. But in real life, the line between the two isn’t always so clear.

Think about this: if the only time you spent with a grandparent was when you were a baby, how much do you actually know about them? Are you connected to who they really were, or are you just carrying around other people’s stories and impressions of them?

And how much of what you believe about the world—your beliefs, your memories, even your sense of reality—is really yours? How much of it is just picked up from the people around you, from your environment, without you even realizing it?

Kids naturally see the world through their own lens. Everything revolves around them—it’s just how we’re wired early on. But as we grow older, we start to realize that we may not know our parents as well as we thought. Not really. We might know what they did for us, how they acted at home—but do we know who they are? What they dreamed about, what they struggled with, who they were before we came into the picture?

That realization can hit hard. But it can also open a door. If you’re willing to shift your perspective—to really look again—you might learn something new. Not just about them, but about yourself. And that shift could change your life.

So here’s a question worth sitting with:
What do you truly know about your parents that’s real—fact—and what’s just your perspective?
And maybe the bigger question: are you open to seeing them differently?

Family Constellation was originally developed and practiced in groups, in workshop format by Bert Hellinger.

Later, individual sessions and different modalities such as private sessions with dolls and water constellation were developed throughout the world. I have myself developed my very own techniques and have done sessions in the sand, using cutlery, pen & paper and so on.

Hellinger only worked with groups.

WORKSHOPS

A Constellation workshop is the most beautiful 'thing' I have ever taken part in my life.

It is generally formed by a group of people that are usually strangers to each other. There is not set number of participants, although a minimum of five is recommended otherwise it becomes difficult to get all the family members needed to work the issue if you need them.

People present will take part in a collective experience of soul healing. Somehow, every group that is formed tend to have or be linked to a common 'unconscious' theme. For instance, father's absence. But we'll only find out as the workshop progresses.

It's also common to have people drop out last minute and others show up on the day. This also has to do with "the magic" that is already happening and linked to common theme.

There are three types of roles in a workshop:

1. The issue holder

2. The representative

3. The observer

THE ISSUE HOLDER

In a given workshop, only a small number of people are selected to bring an issue to the field. That is, of course, dependent on the time the group's facilitator has and the number of hours he/she is willing to work. They usually last from half a day to an entire weekend.

Guided by the facilitator, the issue holder briefly tells the issue they'd like to solve then they're asked to pick and choose other group members to represent their own family accordingly. Sometimes the facilitator will do that too; pick and choose someone and do not tell anyone who they are representing. It's done through instinct and feelings in the now.

They might say, "Would you be willing to be my father?"

The issue or the problem can literally be anything, from a back pain no doctors know where it's coming from to anxiety and wanting to fix a relationship with a family member.

COMMOM ISSUES

1. Money struggles

2. Lack of success

3. Career development

4. Anxiety & Depression

5. Procrastination

6. Mother/child relationship

7. Marital problems

8. Feeling invisible

9. Sex addiction

10. Alcoholism

11. Drug addiction

12. Lower back pain

13. Always sick

14. Keep attracting the wrong guy/girl

15. Weight

THE REPRESENTATIVE

As the name says it, a representative always represents someone.

They're chosen to represent a family member of the issue holder.  The moment they get into the field, they become that person and even behave like that relative without ever having met or learned about them.

Representatives usually go through a lot of emotions. Many cry a lot too.

So you might ask yourself why someone would put themselves through that?

The answer is simple. They also get to work on their own issues by something called the mirror effect.

No one knows when a representative is picked that they will also identify with their theme. But it's truly remarkable and they actually do.

For instance: if the issue holder had an abusive father, the representative will probably have been abused by their father and will get the chance to step into the soul of an abusive father an understand his perspective.

It's freeing to all.

THE OBSERVER

Observer are there to watch and won't be picked to work. Normally these are people who have never been to a Constellation workshop and are reserved about 'exposing' themselves or simply not ready to go through this deep level of healing.

I find it really rare to have observers nowadays. If they had the intention to 'just see what it is', when they finally see it, they want to take part in it.

Private Sessions with Dolls: A Personal and Powerful Experience

Private sessions using dolls are a very personal process. Everyone connects with them in their own way, and that's the whole point—you get to build your own approach, find what works for you, and create a style that feels natural.

Usually, one session is enough to work through one specific issue. These sessions are very powerful and different from more traditional therapy. One of the key differences? You're not expected to keep coming back week after week. Most people only need one session, and because of the depth and impact, they're typically priced higher than standard therapy appointments.

That said, if you're someone who's actively working on personal growth, you might come back more than once. Each session can reveal a new layer—especially when it comes to family patterns and inherited dynamics. It’s like peeling an onion: each time, you go a bit deeper.

This kind of work is great if you’re looking for something impactful, personal, and not dependent on long-term therapy. It’s about giving you clarity, emotional release, and insight—on your own terms.

Many times I found myself in situations where I did not have my dolls with me. And it would have been strange to set up a circle with them on a public restaurant, anyways. So I've developed a few different ways of doing sessions out of necessity.

Here, I will show you the simplest form of them all.

All you need is a pen and a piece of paper.

I ask clients to draw circles for each representative involved in the story and use arrows to show the direction they are looking at.

Then you can compare the sizes of the circles, their positions and where they are looking at in relation to each other.

Remember to focus on the topic and use the healing sentences to bring resolution and an end to the session.

Healing sentences are phrases that are used to help the releasing of emotional knots and the healing process as a whole.

They are used from when awareness begins to take place to the end of the session.

There are a few classical ones, but no manuals.

You can adapt them to your needs and feelings in a way you believe what you say.

For instance, I say mum and dad when I refer to my parents. But some people will call them by their names, pet names, mummy and daddy and others will reject these words. So they can adapt them to their 'feelings'.

You wouldn't be able to repeat words like a parrot, but if you can't manage to say for instance 'I love you' after you've gone through a healing process, that indicates more work and time is needed for you to open up to love.

And it's ok.

THEY ACKNOWLEDGE WHAT IS AND THEY HAVE A HEALING EFFECT

Healing sentences are used to find relief and peace. There are a few standard ones, but you can also make up your own for use during the sessions as you follow the movements presented by the field. Sometimes they will not work because of the wording itself. 

Some might for instance find it difficult to say in the beginning, 'My dear' X(to a former partner they actually hate). Then you got to adapt and find the words one can comfortably say that are still respectful and comfortable at the same time.

"I'll stay and live a full life in your honour and hold you in my heart" (in case of miscarriages).

"I see you now. You belong to this family." (inclusion sentence i.e. for abortions) "You are my son/daughter number 1,2,3 or ... and I'll now keep you in my heart."

"I'm sorry I haven't been the partner you expected me to be." (for relationships that ended badly either way) "For a relationship to work, we both must carry 50%. I'll carry mine. Here is yours"(give an object to the partner).

"I allowed it out of love" (for victims of incest).

"Just as you are, you are right for me." (for couples)

"You have a place in my heart, be friendly if I stay." (a dead relative; uncle, aunt...)

"Dear child, I know take you as my child and give you a place in my heart." (aborted children for parents)

"Father, I leave your past with you. You are still my father. I'm still your son."

"Look upon me with love if I stay." (to stop following a suicidal family member)

The movement of love that leads us to the people whose fate let us get sick is an attempt to connect us with them. Illness in our body is the last link in a chain.

WHEN DO I KNOW WHAT I SAID HAD A POSITIVE EFFECT?

Always pay attention to your body sensations and not to your thoughts. When a movement finds a resolution, it gives you a peace and a relief sensation.