Thawing the Inner Family of Self

The "Iceberg" is a unified model of addiction, codependency, and childhood abandonment issues I have developed over the past 30 years. The first part of the video above describes the emotional dependency needs of a child and explains the Iceberg as a model. Children who do get their dependency needs met fully, and consistently, will thrive, flourish, and grow at a healthy pace. My Iceberg and Life Scripts & Parts Matrix (LSPM) Models show how not getting these needs met causes the emotional wounds of abandonment, emotional infection of toxic shame, emotional scab of contempt, and the development of a false sense of self that FEELS  like who we are because it is EMOTIONAL in nature.

The "Iceberg" is a unified model of addiction, codependency, and childhood abandonment issues I have developed over the past 30 years. The first part of the video above describes the emotional dependency needs of a child and explains the Iceberg as a model. Children who do get their dependency needs met fully, on a regular basis, will thrive, flourish, and grow at a healthy pace. Here we examine how not getting these needs met causes the emotional wounds of abandonment, infection of toxic shame, scab of contempt, and the development of a false sense of self.

Video and detailed information to orient the learner on the concept of ego states or parts-of-self. 

For those who would rather read about the Iceberg Model, I have also included this free PDF version of Thawing Adult/Child Syndrome, my second book in the Thawing the Iceberg Series. I chose to make this book part of the course because the content in the Assessment Phase of the Thawing the Inner Family of Self Program is covered in some detail.

NOTE: If you would like to order any of the Paperback or Kindle versions of books in the Thawing the Iceberg Series directly from Amazon.com click here.

Please answer the questions as thoroughly as possible. Then complete the formulas at the bottom of each page. If you would rather download the document go to the "Extra's" Tab on the right side of the screen.

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• Learn about ego-states and how they relate to Imprint experiences in childhood that result in unspoken family rules and parental injunctions. Again, take notes as you watch. You will use them in at the end of this Assessment phase.

• Learn about and identify family rules and parental injunctions as they may pertain to you. Remember that you may not be aware of ever hearing or receiving an injunction, but you may see evidence of it in your life and feel a pressure to obey.

• Psychological Positions & the Okay Corral describes the various psychological or existential positions that are outlined in the video Family Rules & Injunctions (see Lecture 5 in this section). There is also a recommended assignment in the document called the OK Corral designed to help you uncover your positions and the patterns of behaviors associated with the subsequent self-talk.

Audio Introduction to the "Meet Your Inner Family" Series. The video's have a relaxing motion background for those who don't like staring at a blank screen when listening to audios. If you would prefer, just get comfortable, close your eyes and follow along. You may want to take notes from time to time; if so, just pause the video. 

For each of the following questions write as much as you can in your Journal. Use your intuition and instinct rather than your analytical mind. It helps to close your eyes relax, settle back, and just ask yourself each question – then wait for an intuitive response. Take your time, you can glean a wealth of information from this exercise!

This video describes the dynamics, magical thinking, and child-created ego states involved in a dysfunctional pattern of communication called "The Figure Eight." The next several lectures below provide tools for learning and practicing CBT skills to strengthen the Adult Ego State. Use them as needed, especially if your child-created ego states make it a habit to "drive your bus" by overwhelming the Adult Ego State.

Simultaneous Incongruence is the experience of inner conflict and commotion created by ego states with competing goals. It is very difficult to sort out the issue with all the commotion in our inner world when we get triggered. We need a way to remain objective and not get pulled into the chaos and emotional turmoil as we attempt to heal.

Gestalt Therapy and NLP helps us sort it all out with the concept of Sequential Incongruence ~ the process of projecting the parts involved in a conflict or symptom to our outer world, spatially separates us from them so we can communicate. There conflict remains, but the commotion is quieted down as the parts involved are sorted out.

1.  We literally want to open lines of communication between different parts of our brain that have previously not been well connected. In the self-psychologies the term for this disconnection is “fragmented self”. When one part of you communicates with another part of you, neuropathways in the brain are being utilized to do that. The more we engage in these dialogues, the more open and connected these pathways become. In some cases we are even establishing connections that did not exist. The therapeutic term for this is “Integration.” The neurobiology term is “neurogenesis” or brain growth. 

In this task we will use the trust and rapport we have been developing to gain the cooperation of the parts involved in your Well-formed Outcome goal. Since the protector parts are, in psychoanalytic terms, defense mechanisms they cannot do anything but what they were created to do – i.e., defend and protect the current survival system.

If we ignore these “managing” parts; plowing forward to make changes to your survival system we are asking for and creating unnecessary resistance. Indeed, even in the best of circumstances we will encounter resistance – but it won’t be unnecessary. It will be in the form of concerns or objections by parts we have already taken the time to get to know. 

To develop a healing connection it is important to send the wounded part your empathy and compassion, even if you find the part distasteful at first.

If you do find it difficult to have empathy for this part them ask the part that creates the lack of empathy to step out into the room and work with that part. Find out what it thinks and feels toward the vulnerable wounded part and work to reassure and get it to step aside just as with any other manager.

The Re-imprinting process opens the door to healing by going to the imprint experience or experiences, watching the imprint happen, then using NLP techniques such as visualization and perceptual positions to re-experience the imprint the way it “woulda, shoulda, coulda” been in the ideal scenario. This doesn’t take away what happened in the original experience, it simply adds another experience alongside of the original. Now the brain has a choice on which experience to go to when triggered…it may start in the old direction by habit, but with a little guidance in the beginning, it can go in the new direction.

This is the core healing exercises, these can be very powerful and build on the work you have already done. (Use the Retrieval & Emotional Release process here.)