My name is Benjamin Disraeli. History knows me as the Jewish man who was able to ascend to the highest position of the United Kingdom, that of Prime Minister. You would think that it would be impossible for a man who is Jewish by birth, has dark skin and exotic features by British standards to become head of the Conservative Party. Still, against all odds, I managed to achieve my goals, to become the most powerful man in the whole country, a close friend of the Queen which used to keep all politicians coldly at distance and establish myself as one of the leading figures in Europe, through my activity in British foreign affairs.
To you my student I confess today: All of this I managed to achieve through my personality and ability in dealing with people. Often, the most powerful weapon is soft and subtle. This was certainly true in my case. I will teach you today how to speak to people, charm them, and win them as friends. These are the three rules by which I lived my life.
Rule 1. Don’t be threatening
We always have some sort of resistance to those who are dominant and unconsciously seem threatening to us. We also don’t like those who are perfect beings, never making any mistakes or being vulnerable. Therefore, we should behave humanly. Showing weakness and vulnerability will enhance your ability as a speaker, be it a speech delivered to a large group of people or a conversation between four eyes. The reason is very simple. Vulnerability makes you look more human. Don’t be afraid to show your soft side. A sudden burst of emotion or tears might also work. I learned this valuable lesson early in my career as a politician. I was elected as a member of the British Conservative party and the day came, where I was going to deliver my first speech. New members of the parliament often have to do this, so if I was going to advance on the political ladder, this speech was crucial, because all of the influential figures of this great country we’re going to listen and make their first impression of me, based on my speech. For so long I have listened to bad speeches. Now, my time came to show them all how it should be done. Therefore, you can imagine that I prepared very well. This made me confident that I was going to deliver a great speech. The victory was certain! So the day came when I was supposed to speak. But there was one decision, and it would affect my political career forever in unforeseen ways. I decided to criticize the Irish, with whom I had a personal quarrel before. So I rose to speak. The liberals and the conservatives showed curiosity, at first. They saw a Jewish man with dark skin, decidedly not British. But when I started to speak, the opposition started to yell and laugh so loudly, that hardly any of my phrases would be understood. But I continued to speak and delivered the whole speech. After the speech, I sat down and my confidence was shattered to pieces. I was so humbled, that I didn’t utter any other word and remained silent for the rest of the session. But strangely, my close friends assured me it was a success. Not only my friends but also my enemies started to consider me a victim and they felt ashamed for destroying my first speech. To them, I was a man who showed courage and didn’t surrender, even while he was being publicly shamed and mocked. So they began to praise me. Once, one of the leaders of the opposition defended me while engaged in a discussion with other liberals. Then he gave me the honor of dining with me. Later I realized that if my speech hadn’t been such a disaster, such a blessing in disguise, it would have been a good, even a very good, but a dull speech. Therefore, this opposition made my speech such a success and helped me later in my career as a politician in ways I couldn’t even comprehend.
Rule 2. Don’t argue
One of the biggest mistakes I see people do in social interactions is to argue. Argument is the most anti-seductive way of language. You can’t win an argument. Because if you lose an argument, you lost, but if you win an argument, you make the other person feel inferior and defend his position even stronger than before, so you lost once again. The solution is simple. Avoid arguing. I had to master this art, as I had to deal with this situation many times in Parliament. If I was publicly attacked by an opponent, I was put into a difficult position. Silence would mean that the accuser was right. But an angry response, would get me into an argument, and make me look defensive and insecure. Neither of the approaches was beneficial for me long term. But there was a way to deal with this messy situation. First, I stayed calm in front of an attack, showing my opponents and allies that everything was under control, under my control. Then, when my time came, I would slowly head to the speaker’s table, pause, then begin humorously or sarcastically. So, after warming them a bit, I would either respond to the attack or proceed to speak about more important matters, showing them that the attack did not even deserve an answer. All this time, I would keep my speech witty. Usually, my responses we’re not rational, objective, and frontal, but rather emotional, subjective, and subtle. A bit of irony against my enemies was enough to make me win the battle, without even fighting it.
Rule 3. Don’t trust the exterior
Experience taught me to not trust people’s exterior. Other people would always judge me by my dark skin and by my flamboyant clothes, failing to see the person behind them. As the old saying goes “Don’t judge a book by its covers”. This principle was extremely helpful in my political career and my relationships with people. If a person would seem to always be happy, I would try to see if he doesn’t try to hide his sorrows. Or maybe behind that cold and calculated facade lies a being waiting for someone to take it to a world of adventure and fantasy. Give people what they secretly wish for, and they will be forever grateful to you.
The perfect example of this way of thinking is my relationship with my beloved monarch, Queen Victoria. Before we met, she and her husband, Albert, weren’t particularly fond of me. But then I became the prime minister of the United Kingdom, and a meeting with her was inevitable. In the meantime, Albert died, and the queen was starting to be bored by politics. She became cold and distanced. Therefore, my friends advised me to curb my natural elegance around women, and assume a formal tone. But when I saw her, I realized that this course of action would be a huge mistake. After all, she was a woman like every other. Why did everyone fail to see that? Before my eyes was a stubborn and sober woman, but my senses told me that deep inside her was a warm and affectionate being. I sought to appeal to her two qualities that other people trampled: her confidence and her femininity. Flattery was my main weapon. And although she was aware of it, she secretly loved it. It gave her a feeling of being appreciated and admired by somebody. And so, we slowly grew to close friends.
These are the three rules by which I live my life. Always remember: Don’t be threatening, don’t argue, and don’t trust the exterior. Respect them, and you will thank me later.
