How to Have Difficult Conversations: Beginner's Guide

Courses similar to this one have been called "Difficult Conversations" or "Challenging Talks". It is a very counterproductive name though.

The conversation or talk in itself does not need to be difficult or challenging even though the topic in itself is that. Therefore this course is about "conversations about difficult topics". 

A conversations about a difficult topic can be a conversation that you feel nervous about, that might keep you awake at night or that you are not even sure whether to have.

The content of these conversations is individual, meaning the topics can be different people.

Even though what is a difficult or challenging topic can be different for different people, in this lecture you get a list of examples of common difficult topics to help you further define this subject.

It is usually not what we do not know that gets in our way. More often it is that we do not use what we know. This assignment will help you put what you learned in this section into practice.

Preparation is key for success. 

In this lecture you get to hear a quote from Abraham Lincoln, former president of the United States, and how he emphasized preparation for the successful execution of a task.

This course provides practical advice that you can use right away.

For you to get full benefit from the course you are advised to use an example from your own life that we will work with during the course. You can use an example of a conversation that you are planning to have soon, or think you should have soon, or you can use one that you had in the past but that you want to see if you perhaps could have done a bit differently or better.

If you can come up with neither a present one or a past one, you can also make one up, again so you have a situation to work with during the course.

Having a clear intention for what your desired outcome of the conversation is will greatly increase you rate of success.

The intention will help you stay on track and to get back on track if and when you derailed by different things that can occur during the conversation.

Setting the frame is an important part of your preparations.

This includes deciding on how much time you want to have for the conversation, where to have the conversation and how to set that space up for the best possible result.

It is usually not what we do not know that gets in our way. More often it is that we do not use what we know. This assignment will help you put what you learned in this section into practice.

Using the example you picked in the previous section we will work through seven questions that will greatly help you in coming as prepared as possible to the conversation.

In the following lectures we will examine one question at a time. Download on of the attached resource that will allow you to follow along better with the next seven lectures. One is a PDF-file that you can print and fill in by hand, the other PDF is interactive so you can fill in directly on your computer or other device.

Cleary defining the problem is an essential part of preparations.

Often it is not what we initially think is the problem that is actually the problem and giving this some consideration before the conversation helps you plan and execute your talk in a good way.

By stepping into the other person's "shoes" you can attempt to imagine how they would see the problem.

Sometimes they are not even aware that there is a problem.

Looking at contributions to the problem helps you use a non-judgmental approach to clarifying how you have contributed to the problem and how the other person has done the same.

Becoming clear on this helps you move to a better resolution of the situation.

Many times when we are going to have a conversation about a difficult topic we tend to feel and think more than the situation itself warrants. 

Here we will examine how some other factors, psychological and external, can influence you before and during the conversation.

When we assume sometimes we are correct in our assumptions and sometimes, or often, we are completely wrong. 

Taking a look at your assumptions regarding the other person's intentions will help prepare you so you can enter the conversation with an open mind and increase the chance for a good outcome.

Revisiting the concept presented visited in the previous section about you intention with having the conversation.

Clearly writing down this intention, your preferred outcome, is an essential part of your preparations.

An honest look at what kind of working relationship you would like to have with the other person after the conversation will also benefit your preparations and how you act during the conversaton itself.

It is usually not what we do not know that gets in our way. More often it is that we do not use what we know. This assignment will help you put what you learned in this section into practice.

Unsuccessful people tend to be stuck in thinking that they need to have something before they can do something that will allow the to be happy, rich or successful.

Successful people tend to view it the other way around, when they become a successful person, when they see themselves as that, they will naturally do what successful people do and will then have the things they want.

The real "enemy" during a talk about challenging topics is not other person, but a winner-loser mentality where you see it as one person, usually yourself, winning and the other losing.

We could also call this mentality "right or wrong", where it becomes overly important to be right about something.

It is easy to get stuck in a conversation by having misconceptions about what the conversation should really be about.

A conversation about challenging topics should for example not be about what the contract says, but rather what the contract means. The conflict does not lie in the truth, but in conflicting values, perceptions and feelings.

A change of mindset is often necessary when having conversations about challenging topics.  

We can call this reframing, moving from preconceived ideas such as that the talk is about blaming when it is much more productive to reframe it to contributions instead.

It is vital to respect not only the other person, but also yourself, during a conversation about a difficult topic.

The OK-Matrix describes how you can enter an encounter with another person with four different mindsets depending on if you think you are OK or not OK, and if you think the other person is OK or not OK. You can also get caught in the common "Crazy Loop" between anger and shame.

Attached to this lecture is a PDF that you can download with an illustration of the OK-Matrix.

Attached to this lecture is also a PDF that you can download with an article titled "More About the OK-Matrix", that offers additional insights into the OK-Matrix including practical examples.

"I love you, I hate that you drink". 

Being able to separate the person from the behavior decreases the risk of the the other person becoming angry, defensive or shutting down completely.

With the best of intentions for your conversation you can still get sidetracked during the talk by your own emotions. We all have "hooks" that we get caught on and that can trigger overly emotional responses in us.

If you do not learn to manage your emotions during the conversation you can miss your desired outcome completely.

A key distinction is to distinguish that you have emotions, instead of them having you.

You can also get sidetracked by the other person consciously or unconsciously using different thwarting ploys, such as lying, shouting, crying and stonewalling. 

Learn to address the behavior in an effective way so it does not hinder you from reaching your purpose for the conversation.

It is in the moments that we stop loving ourselves fully that we tend to do things that we regret later. 

We lose our temper or allow the other person to take emotional advantage of us.

It is usually not what we do not know that gets in our way. More often it is that we do not use what we know. This assignment will help you put what you learned in this section into practice.

Being centered is the final piece to staying on track towards your intention. 

When you are centered in your personality you are more present in the moment and more immune to the distractions that may pull you off track.

Additional points to keep in mind before, during and after the conversation, such as seeking permission, taking responsibility for your part and not over-amplifying feedback.

When you have done your preparation and worked on your mindset you might ask yourself "How do I start the conversation itself?".

This is very common to experience and here you get a couple of tips for how to start your conversation.

A sample of actual phrases to use when you want to invite the other person or initiate the conversation. The inviting to, or starting of, a conversation can be perceived as tricky and these phrases will help you with that.

Attached to this lecture is a PDF resource that you can download to have a handy list of the different phrases.

How you end is equally important as how you start, perhaps even more important.

Things such as reaching agreement, deciding where to meet again and following will be important parts of your success with this part.

Sometimes the other person is not willing or capable of changing their behavior.

Here you get some proven tips for handling those situations.

Sometimes you have the power to impose an income, for example firing someone. 

Many managers and leaders describe these conversations as extra challenging. There are some important things, such as sitting with anger, that will you manage these conversations successfully.

What works in one country may not work in another country due to the legal system. What works in the culture of one organisation may not be appropriate in another.

Checking and clarifying that framework ahead of time will make your life easier.

It is usually not what we do not know that gets in our way. More often it is that we do not use what we know. This assignment will help you put what you learned in this section into practice.

Part of preparing for your conversation is revisiting the seven questions you answered previously and add new angles and information to them from what you have learned in the course.

During a "dry run" in your mind, rehearsing your conversation, will also be a helpful part of your preparation.

The goal for a conversation is not to perform it beautifully with elegance and pretty words. The goal is openness and honesty.

So take some pressure of yourself related to how you perform during the conversation.

A big congratulations to you for completing the course and some final thoughts on using what you have learned.

Attached to this lecture is also a bonus resource in the form of a downloadable PDF-file with a handbook for legal, ethical and contextual awareness related to difficult conversations. It offers you a supportive generalized approach as well as broad principles across sectors and cultures in an international setting.

Want more of Markus? Learn about some of my other courses and how you can contact me for a custom speech, training or other services.