Sex, Porn, and Masturbation Addiction

Welcome to our next section. In this section we are going to go cover sex, porn and masturbations addictions in detail. Even if you think you don’t have a problem with one of them it’s important to watch the lecture so that you can get a better understanding of how the three can intertwine and what to look for in the future. So first up, we’re going to talk about sex addiction. See you there.

When it comes to sex addiction there’s typically a cycle that occurs and it looks like this:

Compulsive thoughts

Acting out

Regret

Numb

Trigger

Acting out

Like with any addiction, acting on the thoughts, in this case, having sex, releases dopamine which is the chemical in your brain that makes you feel good. Yes, that happens to most people when they have sex but the difference is, is that there’s a compulsion to always have that feeling. So it’s like how some people can drink a glass wine and not be an alcoholic. It’s not a character flaw, it’s not something you did or didn’t do, it’s not will power, it’s just how your brain is. And the way to get around it is by changing the way your brain thinks about sex.

Overcoming sex addiction isn’t just about stopping sex. There’s so much more that goes into it and that’s what this course is about. Not only are you going to focus on changing the way you think about sex but you are also going to have to focus on other areas of your life. Figuring out how you got this place to begin with, taking care of your physical and mental health and also retraining your brain so that you can have healthy relationships that don’t revolve around sex.

So while you are progressing through course I want you to think about how you can start retraining your brain about how you think about sex and why changing your behavior is going to be important. . The first thing you can do in your journal is answer these questions:

1. What are the disadvantages of my behavior?

   1. Ie: takes up too much time, unhealthy relationships, costs too much money etc.

2. What are the benefits to me changing my behavior?

   1. Ie: increase productivity

3. What are the disadvantages to me continuing my behavior?

   1. Ie: I continue to feel bad about myself

So the way we talk to ourselves is powerful. Our internal dialogue. The stories we tell ourselves really shape our thoughts, feelings and actions. Now is the time to dig deep into your mind and anytime you have a thought about sex, do your best to refocus that thoughts. Not necessarily ignored but rephrasing is a way to retrain your brain.

For example, you might currently say to yourself I have a high sex drive and having sex is what I do. So instead you could say: My old pattern was dangerous and an old habit. I don’t have to do that. I am learning to have healthier sexual relations and rebuild the quality relationships that I care about.

I am scumbag and the only way I’m satisfied is if I can get people to do what I want.

To: It’s not my fault my brain is wired like this. I am strong because I am now taking the steps needed to improve my

Who here will have sex with me?

To: I’m here for a purpose other than having sex and so is everyone else.

Okay so as we progress through the course you might be wondering what the end goal is. Like you might be wondering will I ever have sex again? How often can I have sex? And so on.

So at first, we’re going to aim for 30 days of abstinence and we’ll talk about that a little later in the course when we talk about the first 30 days. But after that, it will fully depend on what type of relationship you are in.

If you are in a committed relationship then having sex with your spouse is a normal way to proceed but it will look a lot different. When you are in a committed relationship you must agree with your partner on how often you should have sex and yes there may be some compromise that needs to give. You may be thinking great I’ll have sex once per day whereas your partner may be saying no that’s too much let’s do twice per week. Either way you will need to have a conversation about it, agree, and be okay with setbacks or changes. For example, you and your partner may agree to have sex every Wednesday and Saturday. But if something comes up on Wednesday night, it’s okay to reschedule or skip that day. When you are recovering from a sex addiction this may feel very foreign but that’s really the end goal.

Now if you don’t have a partner, the goal is to learn how to be okay with not having sex and having a healthy masturbation routine. You have to ask yourself how many times per week is a healthy amount of time to masturbate. This should be something you think about in advance so after your 30 days of abstinence you have a very specific plan to follow. On average, depending on your age and health of course, a person masturbates 2-3 times per week. So maybe you start there; Monday, Wednesday, Friday, in my own private space without the use of porn or anything online. The goal is to have a healthy relationship with masturbation. Some people find this hard to do while others find it easier.

If you are finding it hard to masturbate on your own the best thing you can do is skip the session completely and wait until the next day. For example, if you plan to masturbate Monday night, you put your phone and computer away, and then cannot get erect, don’t force it. Give up and move onto to something else like watching TV or even sleep and then try again Wednesday night. This is you retraining your brain and this is the process of getting your brain back to its baseline. Eventually, you will be able to get a full erection and have an orgasm that isn’t dependent on a person, porn, or any sort of outside stimulation. Be patient with yourself as you work through this.

Okay so that’s it when it comes to sex addiction. In our next lecture we’re going to talk about porn addiction so if you are also addicted to porn please make sure you watch that lecture as well. See you there.

Pornography has been traced back to prehistoric times. Governments in parts of Europe and all of America made obscure images illegal in the mid 1800s. This means it was illegal to publish or sell porn. Like anything that is outlawed, people found a way to traffic images and finally in the 1900s it became illegal to view or possess pornographic images as well.

When film started in the late 1800s and early 1900s, producers were excited to be part of a radical movement. It was very risky though because if caught they would be prosecuted and jailed. That didn’t stop them though.

Porn in black and white, in the early stages was nothing more than a strip tease and rarely showed any close ups of the penis or vagina.

In the mid 1900s, censorship began to overturn and finally, a major motion picture was released in 1969, in the genre of erotica. Erotic films were hard to come by and almost always had to have a special invite or members only type of scenario.

Finally, in the 1970s, when VHS tapes started to become popular so did “pornos.” You could find “pornos” at adult stores but it’s not as if there was one on every corner. If you’ve ever seen a 70s porn you will see how vastly different it is compared to what you see today.

VHS porns eventually turned into DVD porns and became easier and easier to obtain.

Then came the world wide web. This is where everything changed. Today, you can buy porn from your TV or watch it on the internet. It takes no effort to obtain and you have access to it 24/7.

With computer generated images, CGI, a lot of what you see is not even real. With CGI, you can view porn in video games and it’s been known that there are films out there with fake children and celebrities. Unlike the porn from the early 1900s, none of what you see today paints a realistic picture of what real sexual intercourse and intimacy looks like.

In today’s industry, sexually transmitted infections are still very high, sex trafficking and prostitution is also prevelent.

– Sex trafficking is big business—it generates $99 billion annually, just from commercial sexual exploitation alone. (International Labor Organization)

One activity i want you to try is thinking back to the last time you viewed porn and try to look at things through a different lens. Notice the lack of intimacy and how disconnected the two actors truly were. Now I want to dig a little deeper into this topic. Porn stars are real people and once you start to bring some empathy to the situation you may be able to create some space around the thoughts you have while watching porn.

The first thing I want you to do is think of your favorite porn star, male or female, and create an image of them in your head. Now, think of them as they were as a baby, wrapped up in a blanket, in their mother’s arms. When that mother looked into her brand new baby’s eyes, she did not for one moment think they would grow up doing porn.

Now think of what their childhood was like, good or bad, but just think of them as children. If you are picturing them as good children with a loving family, think about their innocence and carefree playfulness. If your immediate thought was that they had a bad childhood and that’s why they turned to porn then think about that too. How terrible and awful it must have been for them to grow up like that. When you think of the best childhoods and the worst childhoods, the truth is, that you’ll find porn stars that come from all walks of life, some good and some not so good but it’s important to visualize what things may have been like for them. At some point though they made a decision to have sex with other people on television for a paycheck. Those same people have mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, nieces, nephews, grandparents and some even had children of their own.

Now I want you to know I’m not asking you to do this activity so that you can feel bad. Nobody here taking this course should feel shame or guilt even though those are the most common feelings my students have. I want to remind you that none of this is your fault - the porn industry is worth billions of dollars so they know how to trick people, how to make them want and need to continuously come back for more. It’s like sales - they will do whatever it takes to get your repeat business. Unfortunately for you, you now have to be smarter than them and be able to look at all this through a different lens.

The porn industry is corrupt to put it simply. Even with all the laws the regulations put into place there is still a very dark side that involves sex trafficking, sexually transmitted infections and not to mental the emotional toll it takes on both men and women. Men are forced to inject their penises with medications that help them stay erect and women are forced to turn the pain into something that looks like pleasure.

Those who are addicted to porn often report that they can only get an erection and achieve ejaculation if they are viewing porn so this definitely affects relationships. Erectile dysfunction Disorder and Female Dysfunction disorder are common. Rest assured though that when you quit porn the brain has the amazing ability to return back to its baseline so the physical and emotional struggles will start to fade over time.

See in the next lecture where we’ll talk about masturbation addiction.

Welcome back. So some of you here may be struggling with a masturbation addiction either as a primary addiction or secondary. Earlier we talked about the difference earlier and how it’s important to treat your main addiction as well as any secondary addictions at the same time.

So masturbation addiction is more like a compulsion. Sometimes the addiction is so intense that you masturbate even without an erection or feeling aroused and masturbation addiction can affect both males and females equally.

If masturbation is a compulsion, meaning you think about it all the time to the point that it is affecting your personal and professional life then it’s a problem and you will need to work on changing the way your brain thinks about masturbation.

Masturbation addiction is so unlike many other addictions like alcohol, smoking, substance use, food, sex, and even porn. Those addictions you can physically separate yourself from the thing that is causing your addiction to make fighting the addiction easier. For example, with alcohol addiction you can pour it all down the drain, with food you can control what food comes into your home, and even with sex and porn, you can physically separate yourself from your computer or people but when it comes to masturbation, that part of your body is always going to be with you wherever you go which makes it that much more difficult to stop.

The first thing you’ll need to do is come up with compromise, a number in your head of what you believe to be a healthy amount of time masturbating. For some, this may be 4 times per week, for others, it may be never. This is a very personal decision and one that is going to be different for everyone depending on their own values, world view, and even religion.

Once you have that number in your head, you’ll need to make a schedule for when this would take place that doesn’t interfere with your life. For example if you choose 4 times per week it might look like Sunday, Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday. Once you figure out the days then you’ll want to figure out the time of day. For example, 5:30pm after work, 10:00pm while in bed, whatever time you choose that doesn’t interfere with the other things going on in your life. And last, these sessions should be without the use of porn because if you are addicted to porn you are trying to quit that as well.

Okay so to get this whole thing started, you are going to come up with a quit date and will go 30 days without masturbating at all. While you are going cold turkey, you will work through this program that takes a holistic approach so we are going to focus on your physical health, psychological health, your relationships, Now, if are in a relationship and still want to have sex and you do not have a sex addiction, that’s perfectly okay. If you are having sex and cannot perform (which is common for those who suffer from masturbation addiction) then it’s important to relax, take a step back and try again another time but do not resort to masturbating as that will reset your 30 day clock.

Once you are done with the 30 days and really working through this course, then you can start to implement your masturbation schedule if you have one. If you start to waver from the specific time you have set or increase the number of days then you’ll know you are going back to old habits and will then either have to start again with 30 days or if you catch it quick enough make sure you go back to sticking to your schedule.

Okay so now it’s time for you to start thinking of what you want your personal outcome to be and as you are thinking of that continue to work through this course. See in the next lecture

That’s it for this section where we went into depth about sex, porn and masturbations addiction and talked about how the approaches for each one will be different. Moving forward, as you work through this program, the remaining lectures will apply to all three of these addictions. See you in the next lecture where we will talk about the emotional toll of having a behavior addiction. See you there.

Welcome to our next section. In this section we will talk about co-occurring disorders, finding the root cause of your addiction, your childhood and any emotional barriers that may affect your recovery. Let’s get started.

So I want to talk about co-occurring disorders in case anyone here may be struggling with one and just not know it. Now if you know me and my work, you’ll know that I’m not a huge fan of labels so when I say co-occurring disorder I want to explain what it is but even if you haven’t been diagnosed with one and you unlikely will be as sex, porn and masturbation addiction aren’t, as of now, classified as an addiction in the DSM-V, you’ll still want to understand the concept and know how to incorporate strategies to ensure you are on track for a full recovery.

A co-occurring disorder is when someone is diagnosed with substance use disorder as well as a mental health disorder. So for example, someone who struggles with both alcohol and depression or meth and an eating disorder or cocaine and anxiety. So in this case I want to talk to those who are also struggling with substances as well as sex, porn or masturbation and why it’s important to quit both at the same time.

It’s no uncommon for sex addicts to also be addicted to meth or alcohol or porn addicts to be addicted to adderoll or whatever it is. Those are just examples, but the reason it’s important to tackle both at the same time is because one addiction may be causing the other and vice versa. For example, drinking may trigger you to want to engage in your behavior or too much of your behavior may cause you to want to drink. If you are struggling with any substance, I urge you to take one of my courses specific to that substance alongside this course.

One of thing to keep a close eye on is making sure you are not trading one addiction for another. It’s also not uncommon to turn to drugs or alcohol when stopping a behavior addiction. This is not a healthy way to cope so if you start to notice an uptake in alcohol or drugs once you stop this behavior then you’ll want to make sure you are getting help for that.

As you work through the course, regardless of whether or not you have a substance use problem, I recommend staying away from drugs and alcohol for 30 days as well, as this will make your recovery stronger and allow your body and mind to be able to return to its baseline. When you add unhealthy behaviors such as drugs, alcohol or even unhealthy foods to the mix, you are not allowing your body to fully repair itself.

If you are physically addicted to alcohol or benzos then please consult your doctor before trying to quit cold turkey as that could be life threatening.

Okay so that’s it for this section on co-occurring disorders. I’ll see you in the next section where we will talk about the importance of finding the root cause. See you there.

So there's a theory in the addiction and recovery field called the chicken or the egg. Basically, are your habits causing you to have poor mental health or did you resort to these behaviors because you already had poor mental health.

It’s important to dig deep into this and think about how and why you got started.

For some people, they struggled with anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, or other mental health struggles and started using porn, sex or masturbation as a way to escape those feelings.

For others, they just gradually started using porn, sex or masturbation and overtime the compulsions got stronger and their behaviors started affected their mental health.

So if you fall into the first category, meaning you were suffering from porn mental health before your addiction then it will be really important to understand that and know that by just quitting sex, porn or masturbation, you will not automatically start to feel better and in fact you’ll just be up against something so strong you are bound to relapse unless you start working on treating your mental health at the same time as this course.

If you fall into the latter, meaning the sex, porn or masturbation caused you to have porn mental health then your mental health should improve once you quit porn.

If you are unsure, then I recommend waiting until after the 30 days is over and if you have not engaged for 30 days and you still feel bad emotionally or mentally then you’ll know that you will need to see a mental health professional.

So take some time to think about how life was before you started feeling the compulsions. Not necessarily when you first started but when it started to become a problem. So not like when you first masturbated but when masturbation turned into an issue for you.

For some people it might be a gradual thing like depression getting stronger and the behaviors increasing whereas others it might have been a single instance such as a rape, sexual trauma and so on. And like I said before not everyone turns to sex, masturbation or porn because of something bad. For many of you, everything could have been just fine and this is just something that started. The important thing is to know.

Welcome to our next lecture. So this lecture is about exploring your childhood and how it may have had an impact on your addiction. Now this won’t be the case for everyone but I do know it’s common for those who struggle with sex, porn or masturbation addiction to relate it to their childhood in some way.

Now there’s this phrase called the age of first use and studies have shown that the younger someone is when they are exposed to drugs, alcohol or negative behaviors the more likely they are to have a problem with it growing up. For example, young girls, as young as 3 or 4 might hear their mom talking about being fat, going on a diet and that in combination with being exposed to things like instagram or snap chat around age 7 would mean they would be more likely to have an eating disorder whereas as someone who grew up with healthy conversations about food, healthy body image and later exposure to things like instagram and snap chat would have a less likely of a chance of having an eating disorder. Does it rule it out completely? Of course not, anyone at any age can develop an addiction. It's just that those who are exposed at an earlier age are more likely than those who are not.

When it comes to drugs and alcohol the same thing - if someone grows up around drugs or alcohol, starts drinking around age 12 would have a higher chance of becoming an addict than someone who wasn’t exposed to drugs and alcohol as a child and didn’t have their first drink until they were 19. This is why delaying the age of first use is important and it’s important in other areas as well.

When it comes to porn, sex and masturbation, if someone is exposed to these things as a child they are more likely to struggle with the compulsions later on. Now that all of this is so easily accessible on the internet, more and more kids are being exposed to things like porn at an earlier age which can develop into an addiction at a later age.

So think back to your own childhood and think of the things you were exposed to. If it was problematic it’s important to work through that trauma with a professional as that will help increase your chances of a full recovery. If that doesn’t apply to you, still think back to things that may have happened to you on an unconscious level (Movies, TV shows, etc.) and how that may have affected your brain growth as you grew and went through puberty. You may not need professional help but working through some of this on your own may be helpful in the long run.

Up next, we’re going to talk about what emotional barriers you may have that may block your ability to obtain a full recovery. See you there.

Welcome to our next lecture. In this lecture I want to talk about emotional barriers. Emotional barriers are those things that might keep you from achieving a full recovery. So in order to do this you need to think of any emotional barriers you will need to work through.

First, write down any sort of emotional struggles you were having before you started to engage in porn, sex, or masturbation. For example, maybe you struggled with lack of confidence, poor self-esteem, or anxiety. Then write down any emotional barriers you struggle with now. For example, it may be poor self-esteem, anxiety and shame.

So you can see there will be an overlap. In my example the overlap is porn self-esteem and anxiety. The new emotional barrier is shame.

So we can assume that once you stop your behavior, over the course of 30 days, the shame will start to dissolve. It won’t happen overnight but it should get better as you stop.

Now take the two that overlap which in this example is poor self-esteem and anxiety. Now you will need to figure out how you will overcome those emotional barriers so that you can achieve a full recovery. What are things you will need to do to overcome poor self-esteem and anxiety? For example, it may be focusing on positive self-talk for poor self-esteem, reading self-help books about how to increase your confidence, and so on. For anxiety it may be something like incorporating yoga or meditation into your life or even talking to your doctor if necessary. So take some time now and document these findings. I’ll see in the next lecture.

That’s it for this section. We talked about the emotional toll an addiction can have you by talking about co-occurring disorders, figuring out the root cause, exploring your childhood as well as identifying emotional barriers. Now we’re going to focus on the Sobriety Success Method. Sobriety, not meaning sober from drugs or alcohol but sobriety as is being sober from porn, sex, or alcohol. See you there.

Welcome to our next section. This section is focused on the Sobriety Success Method. The Sobriety Success method comprises four areas: your physical health, your psychological health, your social health and then specific addiction focus topics. Each area is broken down into three categories.

• Physical Health comprises of nutrition, fitness and sleep

• Psychological health comprises of mental health, your worldview and how to live with intention

• Your social health consists of your family, friends and professional relationships.

• And addiction focus is focusing on taking inventory, setting a quit day and how to manage triggers.

We’re going to start with the addiction focused topics, then we’ll move to physical health, mental health and social circles. See you in the next lecture.

Welcome to our next lecture. In this lecture, we’ll talk about how to take inventory. There are three categories when taking inventory: time, money, and relationships. Let’s first talk about time because when it comes to sex, porn and masturbation time is generally the most common thing that people sacrifice.

So what I want you to do, in your journal is to keep track of your behaviors for 3 days. If you have already quit then try to remember back to the last 3 days before you quit and keep track that way.

So I want you to keep track of all the time that you have spent on your addiction. Now some people think it’s just the time engaging in that specific behavior. Like for example, time spent masturbating or time spent having sex or watching porn. But I want you to think even deeper. How much time did you spend before, preparing for the behavior. How much time did you spend seeking out an opportunity. I’ll give you some examples.

If your addiction is sex, how much time each day did you stop what you were doing to think about or fantasize about having sex? How much time did you spend seeking out someone to have sex with. So add it all up.

If your addiction is masturbation, how much time did you spend fantasizing about masturbating? For example, did you zone out in a work meeting dreaming of masturbating? Did you spend time online engaging in chat rooms or message boards? Add everything up each day.

For porn addiction, how much time did you spend each day watching about porn or think about watching porn?

So once you’ve kept track of 3 days worth of activity, add it up and divide it by 3 to get a day’s average. Once you have a one day average you can times it by 7 to get your weekly average or times it by 30 to get your monthly average. When you have a monthly average you can times it by 12 to get your yearly average and so on. All that time adds up.

Once you’ve done the time activity I want you to then focus on the money part of it. Now this isn’t just money you spend on your addiction, it’s also adding up money lost in productivity. So let’s start with money spent and then we’ll move to money lost.

For example, if you spend money on the internet in any way, add it up whether it’s chat rooms, web cams, porn sites, onlyfans, any subscriptions, money spent on escorts or sex, and so on. So again add it up in a way you can find an average so not necessarily just over one day, you’ll need a week or months worth of data to get an accurate amount. But beyond money spent also add up how much you are losing in lost productivity. Have you taken time off work to engage in your behaviors? Have you been fired? Turned down a client, and so on. Think of the impact and make a note of the lost income as well, if that applies to you.

And last, let’s talk about relationships. I want you to take inventory of how many relationships you have sacrificed for your addictions. Start with intimate relationships and then also think about family and friends.

For example, have you had a breakup due to too much or too little sex or have you ever been in appropriate with someone that it caused you to lose them. What cheating or infidelity. Once you think about intimate partners then think about any friends or family members you may have lost. For example, I had a client who was addicted to porn accidentally left a porn site up on his computer when his 6 year old niece came to visit she wanted to play games on his computer, He didn’t realize this and she was exposed to the pornography. He did not tell the sister out of embarrassment but the child ended up telling his sister a few days later which caused a big fall out between them and now he is no longer able to see his niece.

Now I want you to remember that this is an exercise for you to understand your addiction and what it’s costing you but not an exercise that should bring you shame. In fact, it should be the opposite - it’s going to take a lot of strength to work through this activity so that you can see your addiction for what it is so be proud of that strength and courage you have. Once you have all this information I want you to start thinking about what life will be like when you have more time, more money and you have repaired or accepted those relationships. Because that’s what’s going to happen. Your life is going to better after this and this is the only way for you to know where you stand and how deep you are in this.

While you are working on taking inventory, you can also be thinking about when you want your quit day to be and that’s what we’ll talk about in our next lecture. I’ll see you there.

Welcome back. In this lecture we’re going to talk about setting a quit day. Setting a quit day is a very important part of this program. Most people randomly decide they want to quit and it’s usually after a long binge, guilt or consequences. But if you’re not prepared, the chances of it succeeding won’t be that great. Setting a quit date should be monumental in a way. A specific day that you choose, a day when you know you have done all the work to prepare yourself for things like triggers and how to handle stress.

For some people this day will be a day for them to remember on their own but if you feel you can tell someone, that’s a good option as well. Not everyone has people that know about their addiction so it’s okay if that is you and you want to keep the information to yourself.

So I usually recommend setting a date that is no longer than 30 days from now. You’ll need time to set yourself up for success but you don’t want to drag it out for too long.

Once you set that date, the less you can engage in porn, masturbation, or sex, the better. Some people feel like they want to do a huge binge right before their quit date and that isn’t a great idea. The more you engage the worse you will feel so try to taper down as best as you can leading up to your day.

And once you have that date planned, mark it on your calendar as that will be your day to celebrate from here on out. Let’s move on to the next lecture where we’ll talk about how to manage triggers.

Welcome to our next lecture. In this lecture we’re going to focus on triggers and how to manage them. So one thing that surprises a lot of people is that you can and probably will suffer from withdrawals after your quit date. Your body is going to be very confused at first and you will experience changes. Everybody is different though.

Some people experience withdrawal symptoms immediately after quitting while others go through a honeymoon phase, which is like a state of euphoria and then experience withdrawal symptoms after. Some common symptoms of withdrawal are anxiety, low mood, sleep disturbances, headaches, fatigue, agitation, mood swings. Less common side effects are flu-like symptoms, body aches, and nausea. If you experience any of these symptoms just know that it’s your body’s natural way of re-regulating itself and returning back to its baseline. It can be difficult sometimes to focus when experiencing withdrawal symptoms so just be patient with yourself and the symptoms should ease within 30 days.

After 30 days, you may experience something called post acute withdrawal syndrome with are the symptoms of withdrawal after you have already fully withdrawn and if that happens just know that it’s generally temporary and usually only last for a few minutes or a few hours at the most and sometimes PAWs can lead to a trigger so if you know it’s happening you can stop a trigger before it starts.

So let’s talk about triggers. Triggers are common and you’ll experience more of them in the beginning. If you are prepared ahead of time though you will be able to work through them without relapsing. So if you are experiencing a trigger or even PAWS later in your recovery, I want you to always first remember to HALT. Most triggers happen when you are hungry, angry, lonely or tired. When you halt. Work through the acronym to find out if there is something you can solve immediately. If you’re hungry, grab a healthy snack, if you are angry, maybe some meditation or deep breathing, if you are lonely can you call someone or chat in a support group, if you are tired, can you take a nap? If after halting and trying to meet your basic needs, you are still feeling triggered it may be time to try other things. When you are the middle of a trigger, it’s impossible to be creative and think of ways out of it but if you are prepared and have a list of things you can do and refer to it easily you’ll have a much better chance at getting through that trigger.

So what I want you to do now is think of things that you can do if you have a trigger and write them down somewhere where you can easily access them at any time.

Make sure this list includes a wide variety of things that range from easy activities to rather large activities. For example, taking 10 deep breaths might be something you put on your list or going on a 5 mile run. You’ll want to have things on your list that are physical like taking a walk around the block or a taking a cold shower, you’ll want to have things that are helpful psychologically like for example a 10 minute meditation from youtube or writing in your journal and you’ll want to include things that involve other people like calling a best friend or taking your kids to the park. Make sure you include things you can do at home and also things you can do in public. Sometimes getting out of the house is best while other times you can easily work through a trigger by doing something at home. So go ahead and start your list now and I will see you in our next lecture where we’re going to talk about the importance of nutrition. See you there.

Welcome back. So now that you’ve set a quit day or are thinking about when that will be, you need to start thinking about how you can help your body and mind adjust and get back to a healthy baseline. When I talk to my students, sometimes at first they are surprised to see so much focus on nutrition, fitness and sleep. The reason for this, is because this program isn’t just about quitting sex, porn or masturbation, it’s a complete lifestyle change. The reasons you are addicted often stem from other areas in your life being out of balance.

So think of it like this, if you stop sex, porn or masturbation but eat junk food, high in sugar, irregular portion sizes, processed food with tons of chemicals and so on, you are not going to feel better. Also, poor nutrition has been associated with bad mental health such as low mood, anxious thoughts, and so on.

So what I want you to do is take a good look at your nutrition. I’m here to tell you that nobody has perfect nutrition and the goal isn’t to aim for perfection but also don’t fool yourself either by thinking oh I eat healthy so I’m going to skip this lecture. Don’t do that. Everybody can improve somewhere.

The biggest that can make the biggest impact is cutting out sugar. Sugar is also a highly addictive substance that is not good for the body or the mind. So if you drink sugar drinks including fruit juice, cut those out, see if you can start to make small changes each week.

Some people feel very overwhelmed at first and that’s normal so what I suggest, is trying some sort of nutrition plan. There are hundreds you can choose from online. Just do a bit of research and if it sounds interesting to you then go for it. Nutrition plans are a good way to get started and a good way to help change your behavior. They are not for everyone but if you aren’t sure how to start then it might be a good way to go.

Doing things like meal planning, making specific shopping lists and eliminating junk food, like don’t even buy it or bring it into the home, not going shopping while hungry, and so on can be way to help get your nutrition on track. Make sure you are also focusing on portion control. Remember, portions should not be big - one portion is the size of your fist. Cut out unhealthy snacking, if you do have a snack make sure it’s something healthy.

As you progress and learn about nutrition you can go further with adding specific vitamins, to trying things like cutting out meat or intermittent fasting. Everyone will be on a different scale and will start at different points so don’t try to go from 0 to 100 overnight. Small healthy changes each week can add up overtime. Just do your research and commit to eating healthy portions and you will see significant changes in your overall mood which will help tremendously with your recovery. You got this. I’ll see you in our next lecture where we’ll talk about fitness.

Welcome back. So we talked in our last lecture about nutrition which is very important when fighting an addiction. Now let’s talk about fitness.

People with a porn, sex, or masturbations addiction are typically off balanced in some way. When someone struggles with a sexual addiction, not only are the chemicals in their brain: dopamine, serotonin, and norepinephrine off balance but the chemicals their body naturally produces, estrogen and testosterone are also off balance. While some people may need medication, most people can get their body’s back to a baseline by abstaining sexually for 30 days, improving their nutrition, fitness and sleep.

So having good nutrition is very important and the first step to taking care of your body, fitness is important too. So there are two ways I want you to think about implementing fitness.

1. Keep your body active and moving every day

2. Implement intense fitness at least 3 times per week.

So let’s talk about the first one. Keeping your body moving every day. This may sound like a no brainer or easy to implement but we live in a world where we spend most of our day on the computer. It’s easy to lose track of time. How many times have you noticed that you haven’t moved from your spot for two hours.

So to do this, it’s important to get up and stretch, walk around, run in place, do 10 jumping jacks, whatever it is you want to do but make sure you are doing it every hour for at least 2-5 minutes. When you are not working or on your computer can you also incorporate daily walks, taking the stairs instead of the elevator, maybe add some yoga a few times per week, and so on. Just make a conscious effort to move and the more you do it, the easier it will get.

The second part of this is making sure to incorporate some sort of intense fitness routine or program three times per week. If you’re not sure where to start again you can try looking online for a fitness program. Most people do cardio or weights as that tends to be the most convenient but others prefer things like cycling, hiking, swimming, boxing, whatever. It’s important though that you enjoy it or else you’ll tend to burnout or get bored. Also, you could start with something and do that for a few months and then switch to something else. It doesn’t matter what fitness you do as long as you do it.

The last part of this is keeping track of your progress. This helps with motivation. If you can, get a fitness tracker which will be helpful for sleep as well and we’ll talk about that in our next lecture but by having a way to track your progress means you can see how you can improve over time.

That’s it for this lecture. I’ll see you in our next lecture where we’ll talk about sleep.

Welcome back. In this lecture we’re going to talk about sleep. So we talked earlier about how nutrition and fitness can help with dopamine, serotonin and norepinephrine which are the chemicals in the brain and also help maintain and balance healthy estrogen and testosterone levels. Now getting good sleep is the last part of this. Sleep can affect all of these as well as regulate the human growth hormone which is responsible for regulating your metabolism and glucose levels.

So there are two areas of sleep I want you to focus on:

1. Making sure you are getting enough sleep

2. Making sure the sleep are getting is high quality

So let’s talk about getting enough sleep. A lot of people who struggle with a sexual addiction are up late engaging in the behavior which results in not getting enough sleep to function at the best of their ability the next day.

So you know your body best and know how much sleep you require to feel good and energized the next day. For some of you that may be 6-7 hours of sleep for others that may be 9-10. Most people are somewhere in the middle of around 8-9 hours of sleep.

So what you need to do is figure out a sleep goal. If you’re not sure where to start, start with 8 hours. Then work backwards. What time do you need to wake up every day? That will give you a bedtime. Now a bed time is the time you actually fall asleep so you’ll need to be in bed quite a bit earlier in order to ensure you are actually sleeping at that time. So let’s say you have a sleep goal of 8 hours and you wake up at 6am every day. You’ll need to be asleep by 10pm which means you’ll need to start winding down around 9pm. Reduce your screen time before bed, turn down the lights, and so on. If you struggle with this, it will be difficult at first but like everything else we’ve talked about, it will take consistency. If after 30 days of good nutrition, fitness and trying to get to sleep on time you are still having a hard time falling asleep you can talk to your doctor. They may be able to help by checking to make sure your levels are all okay or may refer you to a sleep study. But give it 30 days, most sleep issues resolve during that time frame.

And the next part is about getting good high quality sleep. This means, going to sleep and staying asleep. If you find yourself waking up multiple times per night see what you can to help eliminate those wakings. For example, you’ll want to cut out caffeine by 2 or 3pm every day. Make sure your sleep space is comfortable. Is it the right temperature? Most people sleep better in cooler environments. Is the lighting dark enough? If you are waking up to urinate maybe stop drinking water a few hours before bed. Are you winding down before bed? Maybe try things like yoga, or turning off the TV. It’s especially important to stay away from your computer or phone before bed. All of these things can help with increasing your sleep quality.

And last, if you have a fitness tracker, many of them also have sleep trackers as well which really do help so you can see where you can do better and how you can increase your decrease in sleep as needed.

That’s it for this lecture. I’ll see in the next lecture where we’ll talk about mental health.

Welcome back. So now we’ve talked about all the things you can do to take care of your physical health which is important but what’s also important is taking care of your psychological health as well. When taking care of your psychological health you are focusing on your mental health, the way you see the world, or worldview, and also knowing how to live with intention. For this lecture, we’re going to talk about your mental health.

So first I want to talk to you about the chicken or the egg theory. When it comes to addiction and mental health there’s this theory called the chicken or the egg. Oftentimes we don’t know what came first but sometimes you can know this by just thinking back to how things were before you struggled with an addiction.

So what’s the theory? The theory goes like this:

Do you struggle with your mental health because of your addiction or did you turn to sex, masturbation or porn because you were struggling with your mental health?

If the answer to this is that your mental health is struggling because of your addiction then you by tackling the addiction, your mental health should improve. If you were struggling with your mental health before your addiction then it’s going to be important that you get treatment for your mental health or you’ll consistently be living in this vicious cycle where you feel bad because of your mental health and the only way to feel better is to partake in your sexual addiction. Quitting sex, porn or masturbation won’t fix your mental health struggles if they already existed prior to your addiction.

Now some people are unsure and that’s okay if you don’t know. If you don’t know I recommend the 30 day test. For 30 days, abstain from sex, porn, and masturbations while working on this program and focusing on your physical, psychological and social health and if things don’t improve then you’ll know at that point you’ll need to talk to a mental health professional. If they do improve then you’ll know things will get better as you progress through your recovery.

However, even if you don’t think you need to talk to someone I usually recommend keeping an open mind and exploring the possibility of talking to a mental health professional. Sometimes counseling or therapy can really help.

And with all the being said, whether or not you are struggling with your mental health, it’s important to nurture your mental health every day. Make sure you are taking some time out for self care and to really take care of your mind. Things like meditation and yoga can be really helpful as well and reminding yourself that you are strong and that by being here and working through this shows a lot of courage. Taking care of your mind is as equally as important as taking care of your body. That’s it for this lecture. See in the next lecture where we will talk about your worldview.

Welcome back. In this section, sticking with working on your psychological health I want to talk to you about your worldview.

Your worldview is how you perceive the world, the way you live your life, your point of view, your philosophy, your values, your emotions, your ethics.

The reason this is important is that what you see and do is not how everyone else sees and views things. Everyone has their own unique worldview and you need to understand that and figure out how to embrace your worldview to benefit your situation.

For example, you may view sex, porn or masturbation as problematic as it’s affected your life negatively but your neighbor may view sex porn or masturbation as a way to have fun and embrace sexuality. Just because he sees it that way doesn’t mean he’s wrong, it just means it hasn’t affected him in the same ways as it’s affected you.

So as you work through this, you will run across people in real life and on the internet who are going to have vastly different opinions on this topic. That doesn’t mean their opinions are wrong or you should ignore them but you will need to take some to self reflect on your values and ethics. What kind of person do you want to be and how has this addiction impacted that? Is it holding you back?

Spirituality and religion are big influences in a person’s worldview. A lot of people turn to their religion for support or embrace spirituality. Spirituality is not the same thing as religion so just remember that. You can be both spiritual and religious or you can be spiritual without religion. It’s your choice.

Reflection can be obtained through actions like journaling, meditation or just being still and living in the moment. It’s important for you to come up with your own unique values and discover what is important to you and then begin to live your life based on your own rule book.

So I encourage you to take time each day, it can be as little as 5 minutes per day or some people prefer longer sessions of up to an hour, to get to know your own self and from this moment forward, making sure your actions come from what you are and who you want to be. It’s a process and you will grow as time goes on and as you are able to increase the amount of time you spend on self discovery.

That’s it for this section. Next up we’ll talk about how to live intentionally.

Welcome back. In this lecture we’re going to wrap up the theme of psychological health by talking about how important it is to live intentionally. Living intentionally is not as easy as it sounds. We spend so much of our time just running through the motions of life that we forget how to live and be present in the moment. Like right now, I want to know, are you listening and hearing what I’m saying or has your mind wandered off and you’re thinking about something else? If your mind has wandered off that’s perfectly normal. Most people don’t know what it means to live in the moment or even how to do it.

So in this lecture we’re going to talk about why this is so important when struggling with a sexual addiction and I will give you some tips on how to accomplish this.

Okay so first, this is really important to learn how to do because if you are on auto-pilot for most of the day then chances are you will resort to some old habits. Triggers and relapses happen mostly when people are unaware that they are happening.

Let me give you two scenarios.

Scenario number one. Your neighbor Bob, was late to work today, He was stuck in traffic and when he got to work his boss wrote him up. He had multiple things at work happen that caused him to be extra stressed, did not get a lunch break only to fight traffic and get home. When he got home, he grabbed some food and sat down on his computer, opened some porn and masturbated for 30 minutes to relieve stress. Then took his dog for a walk and watched TV until he went to bed. Woke up the next day with no consequences and went to work and things were normal.

Now let’s take that same situation for someone who has a sexual addiction. Let’s use that same situation - stuck in traffic, being written up, missed lunch and so on. For someone who struggles with a sex addition might go like this: on the home, they call 3 girls to see if they want to hookup and none of them are answering their phone, This only makes the situation worse so they get home, immediately open their computer, watch porn for a few hours, spend some money on cam girls, continue to masturbate, call the girls back again begging for sex only for them to get even more annoyed as it’s now 10pm on a Monday night and before they know it it’s 1am, hours have been wasted, money has been spent and the whole thing was a blur. And the cycle happens again and again.

When you struggle with a sexual addiction it’s important to never let your guard down. To live each moment with intention. So let’s take that same situation again. If you struggle with a sexual addiction the worst thing you can do after work is turn your brain off. Every moment from the time you leave work must be done with intention. So how are you going to work through your stress that doesn’t involve porn, sex, and masturbation. So on your way home, focus on the drie and getting home safely. From there on, review your evening in your head, what do you want to do to destress and what do you want to accomplish? Perhaps, you are too stressed to cook a healthy meal from scratch so you order a healthy meal for take out or delivery. Maybe going for a long walk while listening to some good music. And then taking care of your home, cleaning up, and watching your favorite Netflix series until you know it’s time for bed. Take some time before bed to journal or meditate and then you will feel ready to accomplish the next day. While moving through the motions you are simultaneously living in the moment while strategically planning your next move so that you are not in any way moving through those motions unconsciously.

So a good way to live with intention, especially in the first 30 days is to make a schedule and follow it every day, down to the minute, including weekends. I found that a lot of my students have a schedule for Monday - Friday but don’t include weekends which is just as important if not more important. Make sure you schedule in some downtime - it’s okay to have boring time but what are you going to do so that you don’t get triggered? Watch a movie? Take a short nap, read a book.

Then the next thing you can do is practice learning how to bring your thoughts and mind back into the present moment. If you find yourself stressing about the past or worrying about the future, take 3 deep breaths and focus on this present moment.

That’s it for this lecture and that’ it for the topics focus on psychological health. Next up we’re going to focus on your social circles which includes how to navigate family friends and professional relationships.

Hi everyone. Welcome back. In the next 3 lectures we’re going to focus on relationships; family, friends and professional. In this lecture, we’re going to start with family.

When it comes to family, it’s important to prioritize relationships that you know will help you with your overall journey. Now I know that most people who struggle with a sexual addiction tend to want to keep their addiction to themselves. Sometimes though, sexual addictions can make an impact on family relationships, especially if you have a partner. So let’s start there.

If you are in a committed relationship chances are your addiction has made an impact on that relationship. Now is the time to analyze your relationship and see if it’s worth repairing. For some people, the damage is done and there’s no chance of repairing the relationship and if that’s you, it’s best for your recovery and everyone involved to walk away.

For example, I had a student who was struggling with sex addiction. He was married, had two kids, but was always cheating on his wife to the point where she told him there was nothing he could do to make things right. In situations like that, the best thing you can do is walk away from the relationship and focus on making the relationship stronger if that makes sense. The wife is burned so it’s best to give her space but he still had two children to be a father to so while he was walking away from the relationship he was focusing on his recovery, his children and making sure things were okay between him and his wife for the sake of the kids.

On the flip side, I had another student who was addicted to porn. Would watch porn but neglect his partner and suffered sexually with erectile dysfunction disorder. He was able to have a long conversation with his partner about his recovery and his commitment to their relationship, quit porn and eventually that helped him be able to refocus on their relationship, and things got better.

You have to make the decision for yourself on whether or not it’s best to stay or go but once you make that decision, stick with it, and either way make sure you are doing what you can to ensure a strong recovery.

Now when it comes to other family members it will be up to you as to how much information you are willing to share with them about your addiction, if any at all. But you should analyze your family relationships and make sure you are focusing on strong healthy relationships and distancing yourself from toxic family members. I have had a few students say they wanted to focus on their family relationships and once they started their recovery their family members would make comments on how different they are; how much happier they seem.

Okay so go ahead and have a think about how you want your family relationships to be and start making changes now so that you can ensure a strong future.

Welcome back to our next lecture, continuing with relationships we’re now going to talk about friends. Now this can be a sticky subject but sometimes friends are involved. If you have any friends who trigger you such as friends with benefits or friends who are constantly talking about sex or porn then it might be a good idea to distance yourself from them for a while while you focus on yourself.

Like family, you should also be analyzing your friendships. If you have any toxic friends; related or unrelated to your addiction, now is a good time to step away. While you are focusing on yourself you don’t need that sort of negativity in your life. Just remember, nothing ever has to be forever so even if you walk away now doesn’t mean you can’t pick up that friendship later down the road. People do change but for now you need to make sure you are staying true to yourself and don’t need anyone who is going to jeopardize your recovery.

As you work through this program you might realize that you have friends that you’ve neglected or friends that you want to make sure you stay close with. You can start now by repairing those relationships. As your brain begins it’s transition back to its baseline you will have more brain space to be able to see things clearly and if you have friendships that you want to start to repair, go for it.

Next up we’re going to talk about professional relationships.

Hey everyone welcome back. This is our last lecture that focuses on relationships and with that being said I want to talk to you now about your professional relationships. Think of your social health like this entire program. If one area is out of sync it will be that much harder to fully invest in yourself and your recovery. So yes you need to focus on family and friends but don’t forget about your professional relationships.

One thing I know is that most people who struggle with a sexual addiction, when it comes to work, feel as though they are living a double life. One that they have at work and who they present themselves to be and one outside of work. Putting on a front though can be exhausting, it’s like you’re always trying to be someone you’re not. But what if you suddenly didn’t have to try so hard and you start to begin to have passion about your work and your relationships? That’s what has happened with students who have taken my courses. They naturally start to perform better at work which resulted in having better professional relationships. A lot of my students didn’t realize how much they were neglecting their work until they started to work through everything and then started to see how much more they could be giving to balance things out a bit. For example, one student told me that at the office or at conferences they were always fantasizing about who they could have sex with. Another student told me they would decline work functions to go home and watch porn. Now that you’re working on yourself you can focus on those you work with and like family, students have told me that their coworkers can often see an improvement in their mood and their effort at work.

So make sure you are taking time to focus on all family, friends and professional relationships to keep everything in sync. That’s it for this lecture.

That’s it for this section. We talked about the Sobriety Success Method which takes a holistic approach. We talked about addiction specific topics like managing triggers and setting a quit date and we also dug deep into topics that focus on your overall health; physically, psychologically and socially. I hope you enjoyed this section. We have one more section to go where we’ll talk more about how to manage your recovery starting with the first 30 days. See you there.

Welcome to our next section. In this section we’re going to talk about what to expect in the first 30 days and beyond. We’ll talk more about managing triggers, post acute withdrawal syndrome, people places and things, relapse prevention, meditation, and long term recovery. See you there.

Welcome back. In this lecture I want to talk to you about what to expect and things you can take action on in the first 30 days. So remember earlier when we talked about setting your quit date? So your first 30 days starts on that day but remember, you should be decreasing your behavior leading up to your quit day and your quit day should be sometime soon. Don’t drag it out.

So even though sex, porn and masturbation isn’t a substance you put into your body, you may still experience withdrawals. Everyone’s withdrawals will be different but just expect the first few days could potentially be a bit rough. One thing is that after your withdrawal you may continue to get withdrawal symptoms for up to a year after you quit. This is something called Post Acute withdrawal syndrome. I know we talked about this earlier but now that we’re almost done with the course I just wanted to remind you that this could happen. So if it does remember to HALT and think about whether or not you’re hungry, angry, lonely or tired and do what you can to tend to your basic needs. The biggest concern about PAWS is making sure it doesn’t turn into a trigger but if it does you know what to do to manage triggers.

Remember earlier we talked about making a list of things you can do. If you haven’t made that list yet please do so now. Make sure you have a variety of indoor and outdoor activities you can partake in so that there will always be something you can pick from. Believe it or not there is a small window before a trigger happens where your body will warn you that it’s about to happen. These warning signs can range from anger, anxiety, muscle tension and so on. The only way to be in tune with what your body warning signs may be is to make sure you write down in your journal everytime you feel a trigger and what you were feeling in your body right before. Then you can look for patterns. For example, if right before a trigger you often feel tired then that is a sign to make sure you focus on getting more rest so that you can avoid more triggers.

Another way to manage triggers is to stop and think about people, places and things. We’ve all heard this in school growing up so it’s an easy phrase to remember, In order to prevent triggers you will want to make sure at least for 30 days you avoid people that trigger you, places that trigger and things that trigger. So that means you will need to get rid of any pharanalia. If ther are sexual toys you have in your home it’s probably time you got rid of them, porn videos, you’ll want to install porn blockers on your computer and avoid looking at pictures online that may trigger you which means you may have to take a break from social media.

And the last thing I want you to consider in the first 30 days is whether or not you are seeing yourself trading one addiction for another. This is something to really try to avoid which is why the sobriety success method helps you focus on all areas of your life. If you give up sex but turn to alcohol that won’t help your situation at all. If you give up porn but turn to food, neither will that. Make sure you are staying balanced in all areas of your life so you can have the best possible chance at a full healthy recovery.

The short term goal is to prevent a relapse. The longer you abstain the easier it will be. The long term goals are to focus on your whole self and all areas of your life. You got this.

Welcome back. Meditation is a powerful tool you can use when fighting an addiction. Meditation has been shown to reduce triggers, stress and it’s an overall good way to connect more with yourself. The next lecture is a meditation I have created. I have other meditations as well so if you enjoy this one send me a message and I’ll let you know how to access more. So for the next lecture, find a comfortable see, relax, and enjoy.

Welcome back. I hope you enjoyed that meditation and are able to use it as needed. There are other ways to get meditations as well whether it’s online or through an app. So I always encourage my students to give a few a try until they find some that work for them. In this lecture I want to talk to you about long term recovery.

So after 30 days, you should start to feel better in all areas of your life or at minimum start to see minor improvements. If you don’t, you may need to see a professional. For example, if you are struggling with your nutrition you should see a nutritionist. If you are struggling with your fitness, maybe a personal trainer. Or perhaps you’re not sleeping well and need to see a sleep specialist. Remember, it’s really important to see a mental health professional if after 30 days you are not feeling well mentally.

So one thing I like my students to know is that contrary to what a lot of addiction and recovery places tell you, you do not have to focus your entire life around recovery forever. For some 30 days might be a sweet spot and you may be ready to move on. For others, you may need to keep focusing strong on your recovery for a while longer. Your situation is unique to you so don’t feel like after 30 days, if you aren't feeling this miraculous change that something is wrong. Just focus on progress. One thing I encourage everyone to do if needed is to find support groups either online or in person if they feel they need that extra support. All support groups are different so often it’s trial and error but keep looking until you find one that’s right for you.

Another way to help your recovery if you are feeling like you need a little more is to get involved with advocacy. With porn and sex addiction often my students become deeply involved with organizations that help victims of sex trafficking or perhaps on there are ways for you to get involved with human rights organizations that help create better porn laws. There are lots of ways you can get involved if that’s your thing.

And last, if you are interested or think this may help, giving back to society is a good way to stay strong in your recovery. Giving back is helping those who have had similar struggles. You can give back by volunteering with organizations or just helping an individual person online. Again, no pressure, just if that’s something you think may help, a lot of people do get something from it and feel as though it makes their own recovery stronger.

And with that being said, that’s a wrap for this lecture.

That’s it for this section. We talked about ways to take action in the first 30 days and beyond and how to manage your long term recovery. In the next lecture we’ll wrap up the course. See you there.