Overcoming Sex Addiction

Part of a sex addiction is how you talk to yourself. Most people with a sex addiction will justify their behavior in some way and just know this is completely normal. Most people in the pre-contemplation stage will say things like “I don’t need to change.” Also, people in the contemplation stage say this a lot when they start to get frustrated with the challenge that they see ahead. And that’s the information your brain is telling you to give yourself permission to keep doing what feels good to you. When you tell yourself you don’t need to change, it’s important to take a moment and think about why someone might be telling you that you do need to change. There’s three main things you can do when you find your brain saying “I don’t need to change.”

1. Make a list of actual consequences that are related to a sexual activity. These consequences may not be so obvious so it’s important for you to dig deep and connect the dots. I had a client that I was treating for a DUI. Turned out, he wasn’t an alcoholic but rather a sex addict and the DUI came from a night out with sex workers. A smaller example, maybe one day you were late to work because you stayed up too late the night before engaging in sexual activity. Maybe you accidentally ripped your girlfriend’s favorite pair of underwear during a sex because your drive to get to them off overpowered your brain telling you to slow down and be more careful. There are a lot of little things that can add up overtime but when you are telling yourself you don’t need to change it’s important to look at the bigger picture and make note of all consequences that have happened big and small.

2. The next thing you should do when your brain is saying you don’t need to change is to start to think about potential consequences. What could happen if you don’t stop. Maybe you are married or in a committed relationship and your thoughts about infidelity are getting stronger and stronger. Could you lose your relationship if you don’t change? Perhaps the impulses you are having are getting stronger and darker and if you don’t change you could turn to doing illegal things. Or maybe you are doing illegal things now and just haven’t been caught. What are the consequences of getting caught?

3. And the last thing you should do is to challenge cognitive distortions. Don’t worry, most people don’t know what this means - I’ll explain it to you. Challenging cognitive distortions is basically challenging negative thought patterns. Cognitive distortions are not true and rooted in negativity. I don’t need to change is a thought that isn’t true. If you are here you already know that you need to change so as you progress through this course just remember there will be times where you will go back to your old thinking and your brain will say I don’t need to change. So to challenge this; everytime your brain says this, challenge it with rewording to the opposite: I am taking the steps to better my life. Or, I do need to change which is why I’m taking this course.

Another core belief that a lot of people who struggle with sex addiction believe is that they don’t want to change. I see this a lot when people feel forced to get help. Whether it’s forced by family or friends or court ordered, people will often start a program saying to themselves, “I don’t want to change.” If you are here and you are feeling forced to change but deep down really don’t want to just know that you are not alone. This is very common but if you stick with it, I can help you overtime, learn how to combat that thought process. When you overcome a sex addiction, there is a loss that occurs and we are going to talk more about that in section four. But until we get there just know that if you are feeling grief and sadness it’s because you are actually grieving. You are grieving the loss of your old life and that’s not easy. Your brain is automatically going to go to those positive places at times and you will often wonder why you are in this place of sadness when things are were so fun and exciting before. This is also a cognitive distortion. Your life before was not sustainable. Those consequences would have gotten stronger and more powerful. But that’s not to say you don’t have the right to feel upset and lost. You certainly do. But please remember, this is a natural part of the process and I want you to lean into this more and not give up.

The other part of change that we hear and this often happens in the middle stages of treatment is “I can’t change” and this is when people feel they are doing everything they can possibly do but the urges and desires are still just too strong and they are unable to overcome the compulsions. This is where the remainder of the course will come into play. I am here to educate you on what you need to know and do in order to make a significant change in your life. You are going to learn how your physical health, mental health, social circles and the powers of addiction all play in a role in your ability to change. As you take notes and and revisit lectures, it’s vitally important that you use this information to educate yourself and change your thought patterns. I can’t do this part for you. Only you can but I can tell you that you are fully capable of doing this.

If you feel like you can’t change, take some time to identify negative thought patterns. What is it that you are saying to yourself? Write those thoughts down on paper and see if you can begin to change those thoughts into something more positive. For example, I am so lazy and unmotivated. Instead you could say, this is my body’s way of readjusting back to a normal baseline and I deserve to give my body and mind a rest. And keep doing that over and over again until you start to see a change. I promise you, overtime, if you keep doing this, you will see your brain start to work differently but you have to put in the work.

If you feel like you can’t change it’s important to know that you are not alone and again this is part of the process. When things get difficult it’s normal for the body and mind to want to turn back to what was comfortable. When this happens it’s important to not feel bad about it but look at it as an opportunity to learn and grow. And remember you should never have any shame or embarrassment about addiction. Addiction is a brain disease. A disease that can be healed nonetheless but it’s not your fault. You didn’t do anything to deserve this, it just happened. And I am here to help you heal.

A lot of people who struggle with sexual addictions have dealt with traumatic experiences and it’s important, if this is you, that you work through any past trauma in order to achieve a full recovery from your sexual addiction. Working through trauma means that you see a mental health professional that focuses on trauma; usually this is a therapist.

You see, trauma actually changes the brain. Trauma affects three part of the brain: the amygdala, the hippocampus and prefrontal cortex and all three of these are responsible for how the body manages stress. A lot of people with past traumatic experiences or PTSD use substances like drugs or alcohol or turn to risky behaviors such as gambling or sex to numb the mind. You see when someone is reminded of a past traumatic experience the amygdala goes into overdrive meaning they will feel the same way they felt when experiencing the traumatic experience firsthand. The hippocampus has reduced activity so it’s impossible for the brain to know if the experience is in the past or the currently happening now. When someone thinks about a past traumatic experience their prefrontal cortex becomes suppressed so they are not able to control their fear so they become reactive So if you are using sex to suppress those memories, it’s not something that you are going to be able to just stop doing. It’s a process that will take time.

If you are in treatment for PTSD or anxiety due to past trauma, working through the past trauma is what’s going to you be more confident in controlling your sexual urges. When in treatment, you will have the tools necessary to deal with traumatic thoughts as they come so that you don’t have to resort to sex.

If you are using sex constantly to suppress your thoughts then the first step might be to reduce your sexual use so that you can start really feel and think about those memories again and use the tools you receive from therapy to work through them.

The good news is that the brain can be rewired; this is called neuroplasticity but in order for that to happen you to be able to not use sex as a way to escape certain thoughts. It’s a delicate balance and the timing must be right but for the best outcome, eventually, anyone who struggles with past trauma and addiction will need manage their sexual encounters for the right therapy to work properly.

Welcome back. In this lecture I’m going to talk to you about how to create a vision. Having a vision is what pushes people for change. It’s the path moving forward. Without a vision, where are you going and what is the purpose?

So the first step to creating a vision is to identify your values. What’s important to you? And these are intrinsic values so don’t think of this as a way you want other people to see you. Think of this as how you want to see yourself, how you want to live your life. People with a sex addiction do have values but sometimes they are just clouded and that’s what I want you to uncover. So think of a few and write them down. Some examples are: Loyalty, honesty, integrity, kindness, selflessness, courage, generosity. I could go on and on here but you have to decide what’s important to you. I usually recommend starting with a list of three and building from there. And memorize your top three. For example, if I had to choose three values for myself I’d choose kindness, tolerance and compassion. Maybe yours are determination, courage and appreciation.

Next, I want you to dream. Now that you know your values, think about what your life would be like if you lived every single day based on those values. Think about what your daily routine would be, what you could accomplish in a month, what your relationships would be, what your physical health would be and what life would look like 5 years from now. If you get a bad thought in there, just brush it aside and replace it with a positive one. Only think of what the best things could be - dream big. Once you do this once, I want you to pratice it as many times as you can throughout the day. You will be so surprised on how this will impact your mood. When negative thoughts start to come around just take your mind back to the dream state and remember your values.

Once you’ve noted your values and have started to dream you can then create a vision. So this is combining your values and your dreams and turning it into what could become a reality. So in your journal start creating your vision. Some people use vision boards and that’s really fun but if that’s not you that’s okay. You can just write. Look on the internet for inspiration. Find good quotes and so on and just think about what you want your life to be. Most big companies have a vision statement so think of this as a personal vision statement. When writing your vision use present tense only. For example, I am a courageous person who overcame many obstacles and I am now living a life that is free from addiction. I want to inspire others to do the same.

This is just an example so please don’t feel this has to be for you. You can include something about how you see the world, your physical health, your emotional health, your relationships, etc.

And the last part of having a vision is creating goals. So now that you know you values, you know how to dream and you’ve created a vision it’s time to take action. What are the steps you need to take to achieve all this? Well, let’s use my example of:

I am a courageous person who overcame many obstacles and I am now living a life that is free from addiction.

Steps to achieve this:

1. Complete this course

2. Implement the techniques I’ve learned

So remember the steps to having a vision are:

• Identifying your values

• Dream big

• Set a vision

• Establish goals

This is a very small and generic vision statement - I want yours to have more details and I want you to think outside the box. So take some time with this and get to your journal. I’ll see you in the next lecture.

Welcome to the next lecture on how to overcome compulsive behaviors. Part of this program is having a complete lifestyle change so that you can have the greatest success for kicking this addiction for good and overcoming compulsive behaviors is the root of this - you need to know how to overcome these behaviors in conjunction with making a lifestyle change. So the first thing you need to learn is how to identify and avoid triggers. A little later in this course we’ll go deeper into triggers and I’ll give you the tools you need to manage and overcome triggers but for now I want to talk to you about how to identify and avoid.

You can’t avoid something if you don’t know where it comes from. So this is where journaling is going to make a huge difference and bring valuable insight into what may be triggering you. So keep a journal close to you for a few days and each time you have a trigger write it down. Include very descriptive details - who were you with, what were you doing, when or what time of day did it happen, where you were and why and how you think it happened. . Remember: who? What? when? where? why? how? Once you have all the details you can then start to avoid all of those situations.

For example: I was with my friend Amanda, we were eating at a restaurant, it was 8pm, she was talking to me about her last date, we were in Culver City, she briefly mentioned wanting to have sex with him but not on the first date. So in this situation you would know to avoid meeting with Amanda in Culver City at a restaurant at 9pm. Instead, maybe you could suggest next time to meet for coffee at 1pm and be transparent with Amanda and ask her to not talk about sex for a while as it makes it’s difficult for you.

Another example, I was alone at home, scrolling through my phone, it was 10pm, in my bedroom, I saw an image of sex on social media. So in order to not have these triggers you will need to avoid these situations. It’s especially important in the first 30 days to avoid completely, whereas, after that you will gradually start to work your way back to normality knowing you have the tools to combat the trigger. In this situation, try to avoid being alone in your room at 10pm scrolling on social media. This is a huge trigger for most people and what I recommend is keeping the phone outside of the bedroom and putting it away a few hours before bed. I’ve heard every excuse in the book as to why this isn’t possible but if you are serious you will find a way. Buy an old school alarm clock and if you can't put your phone outside your bedroom because of your living situation then turn it off. You do not need your phone late at night - if someone needs to get hold of you they will find a way in an emergency and non-emergencies can wait until the morning.

The next part of this is to create a recovery routine. Routines are so important to avoiding triggers. If you feel triggered at any point, then tweak your routine. To do this: write your day out, to the minute and follow it. Let’s say though, that suddenly you become super triggered during your evening shower. It’s okay to readjust your routine. Perhaps showering when you’re tired causes the trigger so you shower first thing in the morning instead or during your lunch break or after work. It’s okay to change things up as long as you have a routine you are following.

And the last part of this is to identify whether or not your basic needs are being met. There’s an acronym that can be helpful which is HALT - which stands for hungry, angry, lonely or tired. These are some simple basic needs that can be attended to in the heat of the moment. Just remember HALT and see if eating, cooling down, talking to someone or taking a rest or nap can fix the situation you're in. But also there are greater basic needs that always need to be met and you should be working hard to ensure you are getting those needs met. When basic needs aren’t met, it causes the brain to overcompensate in other areas. For some this is drugs or alcohol, some people turn to food or gambling and other turn to porn, sex or masturbation.

These greater basic needs are making sure you have stability with housing, food and money. Not saying you need to be wealthy or even middle class but if you don’t have enough money to make sure your basic needs are met then you should be working towards a goal that can get you there whether it’s looking for employment opportunities or honing in on a specialized skill through some sort of training. This can be college, university, trade school, or even classes to up your skill level.

If your housing situation is unstable, what can you do about this? You need to be working on a way to fix the situation - what resources are available in your area? Etc. And same with food, a healthy diet is essential to making this work. Healthcare is another basic need. If you are outside of the US hopefully you are able to see a doctor if something isn’t right. If you are in the US do you have proper medical insurance and if not, what are your options and how can you get there? Don’t ignore these essentials. It’s critical for long term success.

Up next we’re going to talk about your physical health. See you there.

Welcome to this section on your physical health. There are three components to having good physical health and that’s nutrition, fitness and sleep. All should be focused equally in order to have the best chance at kicking this addiction. But before this, it’s important to make sure your body is okay and that’s why I always recommend you make a doctor’s visit to get a checkup including blood work. It’s important to know if there are any major medical needs that need to be addressed such as high blood pressure or cholesterol, and can also pin point quick fixes such as being low on a certain vitamin or mineral. Oftentimes, people with a sex addiction neglect their physical health so it’s important to address any medical concerns early on.

So let’s start with food. What you put into your body is going to make a huge difference in how you feel. I always say it like this; you can stop your behavior, you can do all the right things, and can technically be in recovery but if you’re eating junk food and not taking care of your body then you’re not going to feel that much better. If you want to feel good and in control you need to take control of your nutrition. This is often very challenging for most people but don’t think of this as a deity, think of this as a lifestyle change and there are numerous ways to get there. Some people prefer to follow a nutrition plan until they are confident enough to do it on their own. If a nutrition plan isn’t your thing that’s okay. I recommend making small changes each week to your nutrition so that it doesn’t feel like you’re missing anything. For example, let’s say part of your morning breakfast includes yogurt. While there’s nothing inherently wrong with yogurt per say, most yogurts are loaded with sugar - too much sugar. So maybe switch to a plain or low sugar yogurt. Maybe you have a bowl of ice cream after dinner. Perhaps next week you can substitute ice cream for a bowl of fruit or cut down the days you have to ice cream until you get to no days. Everybody has room to improve. So watch your serving sizes and quality of food. Aim to cook more at home, eat whole foods, whole grains and more vegetables. Having a healthy diet can also help with mood, mental health and can help with triggers and cravings.

In addition to nutrition, it’s also important to focus on fitness. A lot of people start off with having little to no fitness in their life so I would never expect any of you to go from that to running a 5k in two weeks. It needs to be a gradual plan that incorporates fitness. Fitness doesn’t have to be daunting so it should not be something you find boring or uninteresting. Not everyone wants to go work out in a gym. Some people prefer things like hiking, swimming or riding their bike. It’s important to figure out what motivates you and what brings you joy. Otherwise, burnout generally comes after about 1-2 weeks.

And the last part of it is ensuring proper sleep. When you struggle with addiction, having sleep issues generally is part of that. The sleep thing generally works itself out with a bit of effort and time but sometimes people develop sleep disorders which do need to be addressed by a doctor. Lack of proper sleep definitely halts the recovery process so it's important to tackle sleep early on. So to get better sleep it’s important to look at two things; are you getting enough sleep and is your sleep high quality? Remember earlier how we talked about sticking to a schedule. One of the best things you can do for your sleep is to create a bedtime and stick to it. Put your phone away 1-2 hours before sleep and aim to get 7-9 hours each night. So if you are waking at 6am for work you should aim to get to bed somewhere between 9pm and midnight - you know your body and how much sleep you need so you may be more on the 9 hour side where someone else may be more on the 7 hour side but regardless make sure you are consistent and feel well rested throughout the day.

So to recap - to take good care of your physical health you need to focus on your nutrition, fitness and sleep. Next up we’re going to talk about your psychological health. See you there.

So the next part of this is taking care of your psychological health. There are three components to this; Your mental health, spirituality and being able to live with intention.

So let’s first talk about your mental health. Your mental health should always be at the forefront of your recovery. Meaning; if you’re not taking care of your mental health then it will be just that much more difficult to achieve a full recovery.

There’s a theory in the addiction and recovery field called the chicken or the egg. So what came first? Your sex addiction or your mental health struggles? Does your sex addiction cause you to have mental health struggles or do your mental health struggles cause you to want to mask the symptoms with sex?

And that’s what you need to try to uncover so that you can know and move forward. So I want you to think back at teh time before sex became a compulsion. What was life like for you then? Some of you may have been really young or others may not have started to have this compulsion until later on in life. Either way, how were you as a person? Did you have a diagnosed or undiagnosed mental health disorder such as anxiety, depression, obsessive compulsive disorder, a mood disorder like bipolar disorder, ADHD, and so on. If you were not struggling with a mental health disorder before your sex addiction but you are struggling now with your mental health then it’s likely the sex addiction is causing your mental health struggles and by stopping sex, over a period of time, your mental health should improve.

On the flip side, if you were already struggling with a mental health disorder and started to use sex as a way to escape, fixing your sex addiction isn’t going to solve the underlying issues. Those underlying struggles will still be there and it will make it even that much harder to recover from a sex addiction unless you treat your mental health and sex addiction at the same time. This means seeing a mental health professional regularly for anxiety, depression, and so on.

Now some people are unsure what came first and if that’s you I recommend the 30 day test. Abstain from sex for 30 days and if you still feel your mental health is not getting any better or getting worse then you should talk to a mental health professional to get a proper mental health evaluation.

With all this being said, sometimes people just have a sex addiction and do not struggle anywhere else with their mental health. It’s still important to take care of your mental health though. You can do this by making sure you are taking time for yourself, to reflect on your actions and choices, and making sure you find time to relax your mind and body each day. Taking care of your physical health will also help your mental health too; eating the right foods, getting good fitness into your life and sleeping well. You see it’s all connected.

The next part of your psychological health is spirituality. Now a lot of people hear spirituality and they think of organized religion. Spirituality is not organized religion. Spirituality is the ability to connect within yourself or a higher power, or connect with nature. It’s basically connecting to things that are not material objects. Studies have shown that those with a spiritual practice are more likely to beat an addiction than those who are not. Spirituality isn’t something I want you to resist but rather embrace and I want you to find your own way of practicing.

Some ideas are to take nature walks and connect with the earth. You can meditate, write in a journal or just practice deep breathing with your eyes closed. Some people like to do yoga, others like to listen to uplifting podcasts or videos on youtube. There are no boundaries and no rules here. Spirituality is what you make of it. Spiritual practices can help reduce stress and when you reduce stress you reduce triggers. Remember, this is a holistic approach to recovery. Your mind and body must be on the same page.

Now the last part of your psychological health is learning how to live with intention. Intentional living is how you beat your addiction. It’s making a plan and sticking with it. It’s being able to live in the moment and knowing how to handle things that are not in your control. When you live with intention you can get through tough moments. When you aren’t prepared and walking through the day without thinking, things will happen and you will unconsciously react to them.

When you live with intention you are acutely aware of what you are feeling at any given moment. Like right now, are you listening to my voice or are you thinking about something else, like what’s for dinner tonight or looking at your phone because a notification popped up.

So how do you live with intention? It’s not easy. The first thing you need to do is create a routine or make a schedule and practice sticking with it. This is really difficult for a lot of people. But I can tell you if you start to practice this you will get better and things will get easier. So in your journal, plan out your whole day, including weekends. This is not to say you can’t have down time. Of course you will want to have downtime as that’s a way for your body and mind to relax but put that in your schedule. Once you’ve made a schedule then you can start to practice living in the moment. Not thinking about the past and not worrying about the future. Multiple times per day bring your thoughts back to the present moment. When you eat, when you shower, when you’re driving or working - when your mind starts to wonder, tap into those thoughts and ask yourself what purpose does thinking about this give? You’ll likely find that it has no purpose. Like thinking about a negative conversation you had with a co-worker last week. Don’t allow that negativity to take up your brain space. Now there will be times where you will have to think about things that aren’t in the present moment but you can make that thinking intentional. For example, are you planning a birthday party for a family member? Of course you will need to think ahead for that but make that intentional. Does thinking about right in this moment help you now? Probably not. But you could schedule some time to do the thinking and planning.

When you start to live with intention and be present with your thoughts you will be able to control your triggers and urges with much more clarity. And this is how you work through your addiction. It’s not easy, it will take time and practice but once you start to change your thoughts, processes and patterns you will begin to thrive.

Up next: we are going to talk about your social circles. See you there.

Welcome back. The final part of this section is how to navigate your social circles. This includes family, friends and professional relationships.

So there’s a lot that goes into being able to navigate social circles. Let’s first talk about family.

Okay so oftentimes it’s our family, our first encounters ever with people, that drive us to be the way we are. I’m not saying everyone’s family has caused them to have a sex addiction. But it’s important to look into family relationships as a whole to see how they may help or hinder your ability to recover from this.

Toxic family members do not help. They may not be a direct cause of a sex addiction but they may be causing you stress that does not help you in any way. When you have a toxic family member and you are working on yourself, your recovery and so on, they are only going to get in the way and if you allow them to keep that toxicity into your life it will make it that much harder to kick this addiction. So for example, let’s say you have a sibling who is constantly berating you for your decisions, manipulating you in any way they can and takes advantage of you a lot. This will not make you feel good about yourself or your relationships and you will need to create some space. You will need to start to set boundaries with them so that you can allow yourself time to heal. I’m not suggesting you kick them out of your life for good, but rather, let them know that you are demanding time away from them while you work through this. It’s a lot easier said than done, I know this. But it’s the only way.

On the flip side, if you have a family member who is supportive, kind, caring, nurturing and has always been there for you no matter what, you will want to make sure you find a way to nurture that relationship and keep them in your life. Maybe you haven’t been the best person to them and that’s okay. As you start to heal you can start to refocus on building those strong relationships.

Now friends are a bit different and these are the people you choose to have in your life. My advice is similar for friends in that you want to analyze those relationships and if you have toxic friends, then create some space or even cut them out of your life. If you have great friends then you will want to nurture that relationship. People who struggle with a sex addictino often find themselves in particular situations with their friends. Many people have ruined friendships due to a sex addiction.

And I have this advice for you. If you are struggling because you have ruined friendships due to your sex addiction you need to come to terms with what has already been done. The past is the past and you can’t change that.

If you feel it would make you feel better to reach out to those friends and apologize that’s great, then do that. You Don't have to but if you think it will help you, you should. However, you must know that the apology may not give you the outcome you are hoping for. I work with a lot of students who have burned a friendship due to their addiction, they apologize and the friend is unwilling to accept it and then they are like well why did I even bother to apologize?

An apology must come with no strings attached and if you are not ready for that then I say, let bygones be bygones and move past that part of your life. If you are okay with and genuinely want to apologize to someone you hurt then apologize and move on. Don’t expect to be friends again immediately or ever but it’s not something you need to dwell on. Remember, living with intention and focusing on the present moment? You need to do that. If an apology is a way to clear your conscience then by all means, do it. And then be done.

Another thing I want you to be prepared for is that sometimes apologies don’t go the way they intend. Sometimes the other person just wants to move on as well and you being present in their life again can bring back negative emotions. I had a student insist once that they needed to apologize to a friend. I was talking with him and told him that I thought it was too soon given the situation. But he wanted to clear his conscience.

So they sent them a text apologizing. The friend, not surprisingly, had words for him. Really not nice words and was like why are you texting me, i hate you, I told you I wanted you out of my life and so on. So this reaction was expected. Now, it really does depend on where you’re at emotionally with everything. My advice was for them to not respond and let everything go and focus on the future and what they can control. But this sparked a ton of emotion. My student was texting them back, asking them why they can’t be forgiven, it caused this whole back and forth thing that set my student back weeks. Not just days but weeks.

So what I”m here to tell you is that you have to work on yourself first. You have to be strong in your recovery and mentally prepared for situations to not go as planned. Of course my student thought that by apologizing to his friend, his friend would be like okay I accept your apology and let’s be friends again. But you need to be realistic and understand that not everyone is willing to accept things.

There may be situations that have occurred where you have hurt people in your life. And that’s something you need to work on and as you progress through this course you will find that it will be easier for you to accept things that have happened in your past.

Now I want to conclude this lecture by talking about your professional relationships. This mostly includes your work. Part of a holistic approach is looking at every aspect of your life and understanding whether it’s helping your recovery or not. Now this depends on what you do for work and how your addiction may have impacted your work life and relationships with your colleagues.

Everyone here is going to have a varying degree of what they do professionally. If you don’t feel your addiction has impacted your work life then that’s great and now going forward you can focus on improving your relationship with your colleagues. Freeing up mindspace from this addiction will allow you to be a better employee and a better coworker.

If your addiction has impacted your work, you will need to figure out if it’s best to try to repair your professional relationships or if it’s better to try to find a new opportunity so that you can move past this.

For example, I had a student, he was married and struggled with a sex addiction. All he could think about all day at work was sex. So he started flirting with a co-worker which led to an affair. The affair was completely consensual but the sex happened at work and they were caught. This lead them to both getting written up by HR and him having to move to a different department. The office gossip was unbearable and he felt everyone was judging him in his new department. This was not healthy for his recovery so he decided to look for a new job for a fresh start. It was a great decision. I’m not in any way saying you should quit your job today but if you work situation isn’t helping you and your recovery it might be time to put some feelers out there to see what other opportunities there may be where you can start something new.

Okay so that’s it for this section. We’ll move on now to our final section where we are going to talk about triggers, grieving the loss of an addiction, positive sexuality and your personal story. See you there.

Welcome to our final section. In this section we’re going to talk about managing triggers and how to prevent a relapse.

The first step to managing triggers is for you to be able to recognize your triggers. Most people will have a trigger, not even realize it and then their body’s go on autopilot straight to a relapse.

It’s tricky to define what a relapse is when it comes to sex addiction. Earlier in the course we talked about abstaining from sex for 30 days so a relapse short term can be defined as having sex within the first 30 days. But what about after?

Nobody is every going to recommend to you to not have sex. The purpose of this course is for you to change your behaviors and relationship with sex so that you have meaningful sexual encounters that aren’t based on compulsivity or impulse. These interactions should be calculated and well thought out.

So a relapse would be having sex on impulse. For example, let’s say you go out with your friends for the night and you say to yourself, I’m not going to have sex tonight with anyone. But once you see someone you want to have sex with, you pursue them and you have sex before the night is over. That would be a relapse. On the flip side, If you are in a committed relationship and you have a date night with your partner, try to think about why you are going on the date. Are you going on the date with the intentions to have sex? When you are in recovery, your intentions with your partner should be not based on the outcome of having sex. So let’s say you go on a date with your partner because you genuinely want to spend time with them, not for sex only, and you have a good time and later in the evening, you both consent and both pursue each other which leads to sex. That would not be a relapse.

So that’s what you need to define for yourself. In your journal, make very clear explanations on what you believe a relapse would be versus what a relapse would not be. And stick to those principles. If you cross over to what you don’t want then you know you’ve relapsed.

In order to prevent a relapse you must also know what triggers you. Think back to the last time you had sex on impulse. What happened right before? What triggered you? Now write that down in your journal. That will give you a start. Going forward I want you to start to keep a trigger log. Everytime you feel triggered, right it down. Then work backwards, what were you doing right before? What did you see, where were you?

For the first 30 days i want you to do whatever it takes to avoid these triggers. You are the most vulnerable the first 30 days. Then after 30 days gradually start to face your triggers head on as they come.

If you are unsure why or how they were triggered, start with HALT. Halt is an acronym that stands for hungry, angry, lonely or tired. Try to see if you can meet those basic needs first and if the trigger fades then great. If not you’ll need to do something to work through the trigger.

Make a list of things you can do if you feel a trigger. This list should include a wide range of things ranging from short and easy to difficult and long depending on how intense the trigger. Less intense triggers might lessen with a walk around the block or watching a funny show on TV. More intense triggers may need something like a very cold shower or a 3 mile run. Include in your list things you can do for your physical health like eating a healthy snack or even sleep, things for your mental health such as doing yoga, deep breathing, or meditation and things that include the people in your life such as calling a friend or family member.

Also on your list write down the number to a crisis hotline in your area so if all else fails you know you can at least call or text someone to talk through it.

Welcome to our next lecture on grieving the loss of an addiction. This is a tough topic that a lot of people don’t understand. Most people think, if I can just get my sex addiction under control I will be happy. This isn’t always the case. Short term most people feel sad, stuck, and bored. If you are feeling this, just know it’s normal.

Sex has been such a big part of your life - both good and bad for so long so taking it away will feel like a loss, even though recovery is supposed to make you feel better. Long term, it will but short term you need to grieve. You need to grieve the loss of sex and also the lifestyle that comes with it.

I used to work with foster kids and foster parents. We would get calls daily from foster parents so exhausted and fed up because the foster kid they took in is very disruptive and most have extreme behavior issues. The foster parents are often confused wondering why this is happening when they are giving the children a calm, nurturing, safe environment - one much better than where they came from. You see, when someone is operating at full stress, all day, that’s what they are used to. They are used to chaos and toxicity so when things suddenly become calm their brains get confused. They get bored and they don’t know how to handle it.

It’s similar for those who struggle with sex addiction. Sex addiction isn’t just about having sex, it’s the lifestyle that comes with it. So when you stop sex and also the lifestyle you should expect a period of time where you will be in a slump, feeling down, feeling pretty terrible.

Now if someone isn’t prepared for this, they may find themselves looking for that excitement and stress elsewhere. I’ve seen people go from sex addiction, to gambling addiction, to stealing, to drugs. You want to be careful not to trade one addiction for another.

Give yourself permission to grieve and feel sad. This period of time will be different for everyone. Some may have it harder than others. Some may need more time than others.

I usually say to give it up to 30 days. If after 30 days you are still feeling down and just not your normal self then you should make sure you talk to someone as you may have depression, anxiety or another undiagnosed mental or physical health condition.

Use those first few weeks in a kind and compassionate way. Give yourself permission to cry, to be lazy, to watch TV, to sleep in but keep in mind at the same time you don’t want to fall into unhealthy behaviors. Keep focusing on yourself and strive for good physical and mental health.

Welcome back. In this lecture we’re going to talk about positive sexuality. I touched on it a little bit in the last lecture but let’s dig into this a little deeper in this lecture.

Nobody is saying to you don’t have sex. That’s not the goal for this course. The goal is for you to reset, retrain your brain and establish a positive relationship with sex.

Now this is something you need to define for yourself but I can help you create the outline for this. Here are the following steps you need to take in your journal:

1. Define your personal values. For example, ask yourself what’s important to your and what you want to hold yourself accountable for? Personal values can include things like honesty, loyalty, devotion, kindness, and so on. Once you’ve defined your personal values you will know that sex must align with these values.

2. Respect - positive sexuality is both respect for yourself and of others. And these should come simultaneously. When you are having sex make sure both you and your partner’s wishes are being respectful.

3. Pleasure - sex should be pleasurable for both parties. If you or your partner are not enjoying it at the moment then it’s not a positive experience. You should know beforehand if it’s going to be pleasurable for both. If at any time it becomes unpleasurable you should refer back to your personal values and respect and it’s likely not meeting those requirements either which means you should stop.

4. Mutually Fulfilling - this goes along with pleasure - Both partners should be equally fulfilled. If you are not feeling fulfilled during the action then you should stop. If you feel beforehand unfulfilled then don’t start. If you have sex and the experience was not mutually fulfilling please note this in your journal and refer back to your personal values as well as respect and try to note the reasons why it may not have been mutually fulfilling and do your best to avoid that situation again in the future

5. Not shameful - sex should never come with shame. If you feel shame at any point, stop. If you feel shame after then use it as a learning tool and write it in your journal so that you can pinpoint the cause. Again refer back to your personal values and respect.

6. Confidence and esteem building - this is something that is going to take time. When you struggle with a sex addiction, life in recovery can feel complicated. Sex should build you up and you should gain confidence but if that doesn’t happen right away just know that it’s normal. But overtime you should feel good about sex and your confidence should be high.

Welcome back to our last section before we conclude. I want to talk about your personal story and self help groups. Your personal story matters. Some people find it helpful to talk about their story to help others but don’t feel pressured to do so.

Self help groups can also be a good option. Self help groups can be online or in person and are a good way to continue your recovery with the support of others who may be going through similar situations.

Recovery can be a lonely process and a lot of people sometimes feel they are the only ones going through such a struggle but I’m here to tell you that you are not alone. I will encourage you to work through this in your own way on your own time. If it’s helpful to share your story and seek out self-help groups then I say go for it or at least give it a try. You have nothing to lose. If it’s not your cup of tea and you feel confident with the support you are receiving then that’s okay too. Remember, this more than just quitting problematic sex, this is a complete lifestyle change and it’s going to take time so be patient with yourself as you work through this. You’re doing great by just being here all the way to the end. We’ll conclude in our next lecture.

Congratulations. You’ve made it through the course and you should be proud of your progress. I hope you have enjoyed the course and that you have been finding it helpful. Please do review the course and if you are unable to give it 5 stars please let me know as you deserve a 5 star experience.