Behavior Management Principles - Discipline with Compassion

Consider this statement: How we feel on the inside determines how we behave on the outside.

When we are feeling calm, cool, and collected, very little can bother us. Our car could be running low on gas, and we might see it as a fortunate way for us to be out of traffic for a bit as we fill up. However, if we are feeling frustrated, fed up, and flustered, we can take that same situation and only see the inconvenience of running low on gas and the time we will lose having to stop and fill up our tank.

When thinking about discipline, it is important to understand that all behavior is a form of communication. It is also important to note that the behavior we see is an indicator of what is going on inside the brain/body/mind.

Traditional discipline seeks to correct the behavior without addressing the underlying cause for the behavior. In essence, by only dealing with children's behaviors, we are simply applying a band-aid without fixing the root problem. Without understanding the child's inner state of mind, discipline that focuses only on correcting behavior cannot have healthy, long-term, lasting results.

The brain state model is a way to help us see the connection between what is going on inside the brain/body/mind (internal state) and connect it to the behaviors we see (external behavior). When we do this, we can begin to address the underlying reasons for the behavior, which will help correct the outward behavior.

The brain state model has four core objectives*:

• To help teachers remain in a relaxed and calm state when working with children

• To teach ways of identifying how a child feels on the inside so the adult can determine the best way to respond

• To share the best ways to assist children in reaching a relaxed and calm state before introducing a new skill or consequence to address the behavior

• To address the behavior by teaching the child an effective new skill

Earlier, we learned that all behavior is a form of communication. When children are infants, most adults understand that their cries are a way of communicating a need of some kind. However, as children grow older, this understanding of behavior as communication begins to change. We begin to see children's behaviors as either "good" or "bad" and forget about the idea that these behaviors are children's ways of communicating their internal state.

Now, instead of working to understand what children are trying to tell us by their behavior like we did when they were infants, we begin to focus on correcting the behavior itself. This means the underlying need is not acknowledged or met, and the behavior will likely continue until it is met.

Many of us understand the relationship between our internal state and external behavior in our physical bodies. For example, if we are hungry (internal state), we eat (external behavior). If we are tired (internal state), we rest (external behavior).

However, our feelings and emotions can be a bit harder to identify. When we use conscious discipline with children, we help them understand how to identify their internal state and then address the external behavior accordingly. The goal of discipline should not simply be to control behavior through threats (i.e. time-out) or distraction (i.e. presenting another toy/activity), but to help children learn how to effectively handle the moments when life does not go the way they want or expect.

To help us better understand the relationship between internal states and external behaviors, the brain state model recognizes three basic internal states:the survival state, the emotional state, and the executive state.

Discipline with compassion depends heavily on our ability as teachers and caregivers to recognize a child's current internal state and provide the appropriate response. For instance, if a child is in the survival state, trying to teach them any new skills will not be successful because their brain isn't functioning in the space that makes learning new skills possible.

The survival state represents the most primitive and instinctual part of our brain. It turns on in response to threats and self-defense is the primary goal. This state is most associated with the brain stem, which houses the parts of our brains that work to keep us alive and safe. The behaviors shown in this state are related to either fighting, fleeing, or freezing.

When we are in the emotional state, we are in an upset emotional place as the result of our "buttons" being pushed, causing us to respond with a conditioned behavior. For example, if we are yelled at by someone in anger, we become upset. Then, we respond by yelling back in anger. This entire exchange has placed us into the emotional state.

This state is associated with the limbic system of our brain. This area of our brain is made up of different structures that regulate and store our memories and code them with emotions. Since our brain can't hold on to every single memory, only those with the strongest emotional reactions are stored as memories, both good and bad. These stored memories become our conditioned responses. When we experience a moment similar to one of these coded memories (being yelled at in anger), our limbic system tells our body to react with our conditioned response (yelling back in anger).

The executive state is best describes as "relaxed alertness." When we are operating in this state, our brain is in the best space to learn new skills and overcome conditioned responses. In this state, we are able to direct our thoughts and emotions instead of our thoughts and emotions directing us.

The executive state is governed by the prefrontal lobes of the brain. This part of the brain is responsible for directing our bodies' executive functions, such as problem solving, achieving goals, considering another person's viewpoint, and the ability to regulate our emotions

Remember: every behavior has a goal. Whether children are able to explain their reasoning or not, they exhibit one behavior over another based on what they need (internal state).

Some behaviors satisfy physical needs, like a baby crying when she's hungry. Many others satisfy social and emotional needs. Above all, children want to feel a sense of belonging and importance.

Generally, a child who feels like an important part of the group, family, or class — valued, significant, and loved — is more likely to choose behaviors that support these feelings. This also means that children who feel left out, ignored, or disliked are more likely to choose behaviors that will support those feelings as well.

Now that we understand that all behaviors are a form of communication by young children, let's see how the components of discipline with compassion support this understanding.

Discipline with compassion is built on three core components:

• Safety

• Connection

• Problem Solving

Let's take a closer look at each one and its role.

As the first component is safety and it iss linked to the first brain state of survival. Until a child feels safe in their environment, higher order thinking and problem solving cannot be engaged. When children feel threatened, they use more of their focus trying to protect themselves through fighting, fleeing, or freezing/withdrawing/giving and have less to give towards learning.

How do we create a sense of safety in children's environments? By first learning to control ourselves as adults.

Adults who are able to control themselves and their emotions are the foundation of creating a safe environment for children. When adult behavior becomes loud, unpredictable, and out-of-control, it poses a threat to children and their feeling of safety and security.

Think about a time when you were younger and an adult around became upset around you. Were they crying or yelling? Throwing things? Did they become quiet and withdrawn from you and others?

After reflecting, ask yourself how those moments made you feel in your environment. Were you unsettled? Discouraged? Anxious? Confused? These are just some of the emotions young children feel when their security is threatened by an adult who is unable to control their own emotions and reactions.

To begin creating a sense of safety for young children, adults must first start by controlling their own emotions. This type of control will help adults keep a clear perspective as they work to address children's behaviors.

As the first core component, safety reminds us that we must learn how to regulate our own inner states and take responsibility for our own thoughts to create safe spaces for young children. This idea leads us to the two skills that contribute to creating a safe environment:

• Skill of Composure (Power of Perception)

• Skill of Assertiveness (Power of Attention)

The Skill of Composure relies on adults' ability to choose to see children's behavior as a form of communication rather than their way of intentionally causing frustration or disruption. Having a positive view, or perception, of children's behavior helps teachers maintain their composure and access their higher order thinking before addressing the behavior.

When adults are composed, they are able to react to children's behavior in a way that is thoughtful and intentional. This provides time to identify a child's internal state and act accordingly. In addition, when adults are able to maintain their composure, this teaches children that more extreme forms of behavior, such as lying/manipulation or aggression, will not hold any power over the adult and how they will react.

Power: Perception: No one can make you angry without your permission.

• Becoming Brain Smart: Composure gives you access to the higher centers of your brain.

• Skill: S.T.A.R.: “I’m safe. Keep breathing. I can handle this.”
  Noticing and download: “Your face is going like this (demonstrate).”

• School Family: Brain Smart Start Routine, Safekeeper Ritual, Safe Place Self-Regulation Center, Friends and Family Board

Watch this video ---> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_qpw8bTGmsU

Real Talk for Real Teachers with Dr. Becky Bailey and special guest DJ Batiste

Episode Summary

As a child, DJ Batiste didn’t have the skills he needed to behave or succeed in school. He was expelled from preschool and often kicked out of classrooms before becoming involved with gangs and increasingly serious trouble. During his senior year of high school, DJ’s life changed when he walked into the classroom of Donna Porter, a teacher implementing Conscious Discipline. For the first time, DJ had a teacher who didn’t tell him, “Get out.” Instead, she connected with him. That connection paved the way for DJ to learn valuable skills that he continues to use today.

Listen in as DJ discusses the powerful impact of teachers, the vital skill of composure, and how teachers like you can connect with other “DJ’s” and change their life trajectory for the better. As DJ says, “Never question the power you have as a teacher…You can choose to create more success stories and less statistics.”

ESSENTIAL TAKEAWAYS

• If a child is told he’s bad often enough, he begins to believe that is who he is. The way we see children matters.

• Meet your students where they are, accept them where they are, and build. Your first encounter with a student may be a disrespectful one. It is how you respond that sets the tone for the relationship.

• Composure is the first skill of Conscious Discipline. Without it, accessing the other skills is impossible. Before attempting other skills, learn to quit taking student behavior personally and to compose yourself before responding.

• A great teacher’s true intent is to teach and not to punish.

• Teach discipline skills more than once, the same way we continue to teach academic skills until they are mastered. Give children a fresh start every day.

The Skill of Assertiveness calls adults to focus their attention on desired behaviors instead of undesired behaviors. When our attention is placed on something, that event, person, or situation becomes highlighted and begins to hold value. This skill encourages adults to focus the attention on recognizing and communicating the behavior they want to see instead of highlighting the behavior they don't want to see.

This skill also means clearly communicating our expectations. Communicating expectations involves using words and phrasing that highlight the positive behavior desired while offering support and encouragement. For example, if a teacher notices children running in the classroom, rather than saying "Stop running!", the response might be closer to "Remember our agreement to walk in the classroom for safety." When the children's behavior changes, acknowledge the change verbally: "Thank you for helping to keep everyone safe!"

• Power: Attention: What you focus on, you get more of

• Becoming Brain Smart: Attention directs neuroplasticity and all learning

• Skill: Paint for assertive commands, “I’m going to,” Tell and Show, “I don’t like it,” redirection

• School Family: M.A.P. Visual Routines, Visual Daily Schedule, Time Machine, Routine Books

Shawna has just started in her preschool classroom at a new school. On her first day, she slowly enters the classroom and is hesitant to join in during center and large group time. However, during outside play, she tries to take a ball from a classmate, who is not finished playing with it. Shawna yells "You better give me this ball or I'm gonna punch you!" and then hits her classmate.

Shawna's teacher hears her yell and sees her hit the classmate. Her first reaction is to yell at Shawna for hitting. Then, she remembers it is her first day, takes a deep breath, and maintains her composure as she walks over. The teacher notices how upset Shawna is, and after checking on the classmate, she kneels down and makes eye contact with Shawna.

After identifying that Shawna is upset, she asks her to take a few deep breaths and then tell her what is going on with the ball. After Shawna describes the situation, the teacher thinks about the positive behavior she wants Shawna to show and uses assertive language to share her expectations. The teacher says "I know you want the ball (acknowledges inner state). You used your hands to hit your classmate and you may not do that. When you want the ball, use the words "May I play with the ball please? Try saying it with me now" (assertive language).

The second core component is connection. This component is linked to the emotional state and concentrates on promoting healthy connections within the class and school community.

The goal of connection is to create a classroom environment that encourages positive social connections by teaching compassion and empathy. When children feel connected, valued, and loved, the inner emotional state is calmed and the higher order functioning of the brain can engage for learning and robust interactions.

From infancy, the brain is wired to look for connection and interaction. When these interactions are positive (i.e. needs are met), the brain experiences pleasure and this stimulates brain development. When these interactions are not as positive (i.e. experiences of neglect or abuse), both brain and social-emotional development are affected.

Since this is the first level of development experienced by young children, if these connections suffer, so do the other areas of learning (language, literacy, problem solving/spatial understanding, etc.).

The early experiences of relationships are very important for future learning, including learning skills that help children learn to manage their emotions and understand their connection to others. In order to help create meaningful connections, which in turn support successful behavior management, there are three skills to keep in mind:

• Skill of Encouragement (Power of Unity)

• Skill of Choices (Power of Free Will)

• Skill of Empathy (Power of Acceptance)

The Skill of Encouragement involves understanding first that each of us is connected to every other person. This is known as the power of unity. Unity teaches us that since we are all connected, the outcome of one of us is the outcome of all of us.

When we offer meaningful and genuine words of support and encouragement to children, we are not only investing in their well-being, but also our own as the adults. However, when we belittle or embarrass children with our words or actions, we are also sending discouraging messages to ourselves.

Power: Unity: We are all in this together.

• Becoming Brain Smart: Encouragement, connection and belonging prime the brain for academic achievement.

• Skill: Notice instead of judge as the basis for encouragement, “You did it! You ___ so____. That was helpful.”

• School Family: The “I See” Song, Connecting Rituals, Ways to Be Helpful, Kindness Tree or Recorder, Job Board, Friends and Family Board/Book

The Skill of Choices is accessed through the power of free will. Free will is the ability to independently make choices. For example, one day the choice might be cereal for breakfast while the next day it could be eggs. Offering appropriate choices to young children allows them to exercise their free will and independently choose how to move forward.

When offering choices, it is important to help children understand how their choices can add to the positive classroom community. The goal of this skill is to provide children with choices that are realistic, contribute to a positive classroom environment, refocus lost attention and encourage their compliance.

Choices Summary

• Power: Free Will: The only person you can make change is yourself.

• Becoming Brain Smart: Choices motivate from within, improve goal-achievement and facilitate self-regulation.

• Skill: Two positive choices, re-framing blame, Parroting technique, Who is the boss of you?

• School Family: Visual Rules

When adults choose to release their judgement and accept children for who they are, the action creates a space of non-judgement.

The Skill of Empathy helps us teach children how to take personal responsibility for both their choices and how they manage their emotions. Empathy is the ability to take another person's perspective or viewpoint and truly value that viewpoint. Empathy is about showing compassion and care.

This skill is fueled by the power of acceptance. When adults choose to release their judgement and accept children for who they are, the action creates a space of non-judgement. Children are then free to see their true selves and actions without feeling they are "wrong," "bad," "emotional," etc. They are then more open to exploring the ways they can take responsibility for those actions. Acceptance also helps adults remove any biases about the child or their behavior. By doing so, the adult can become fully present in that moment with the child as they teach the child how to begin to take personal responsibility.

• Power: Acceptance: The moment is as it is.

• Becoming Brain Smart: Empathy integrates the brain for personal responsibility and self-control.

• Skill: D.N.A. process for emotional regulation, rage book and program

• School Family: We Care Center

The third core component is problem solving. Problem solving is linked to the executive brain state and can only be accessed once the states of survival and emotion have been identified and addressed.

The component of problem solving involves finding ways to use conflict as teachable moments. It means showing children how to engage their higher order thinking to find thoughtful and intentional ways of figuring out the world. This component is made up of two skills:

• Skill of Positive Intent (Power of Love)

• Skill of Consequences (Power of Intention)

It is important to remember that these skills cannot truly be accessed until a sense of safety and connection are created. Only then will children be ready to use their higher brain to problem solve!

When looking for ways to solve problems, it helps to start by taking a positive perspective. This is where the Skill of Positive Intent comes into play. This skill involves choosing to see children's behavior from a positive perception rather than a negative one. Perception is simply the way we see or interpret the experiences we have. Perceptions are not fact but can heavily influence how we respond to various situations.

It is important for adults to use the power of love when viewing children's behaviors. By doing this, the perception shifts away from the idea that a child's character or behavior is "fixed" and in need of correction, to the idea that their behavior is the result of a need the child is still learning to communicate in a healthy, successful way. This skill helps adults keep their composure in order to turn harmful behaviors into a teachable moments.

Positive Intent Summary

• Power: Love: See the best in others.

• Becoming Brain Smart: Positive Intent integrates the brain and produces oxytocin, increasing trust, safety and moral behavior.

• Skill: “You wanted ___,” “You were hoping ___,” A.C.T., Reframing

• School Family: Celebration Center, Wishing Well, School Family Assemblies

The third core component is problem solving. Problem solving is linked to the executive brain state and can only be accessed once the states of survival and emotion have been identified and addressed.

The component of problem solving involves finding ways to use conflict as teachable moments. It means showing children how to engage their higher order thinking to find thoughtful and intentional ways of figuring out the world. This component is made up of two skills:

• Skill of Positive Intent (Power of Love)

• Skill of Consequences (Power of Intention)

It is important to remember that these skills cannot truly be accessed until a sense of safety and connection are created. Only then will children be ready to use their higher brain to problem solve!

Traditional discipline techniques usually have a very heavy focus on consequences as punishment to manage children's behaviors. With conscious discipline, consequences do not equal punishment. However, the skill of consequences comes last because in order for consequences to be helpful with managing behaviors, the states of survival and emotion must be addressed first.

Every choice and action we take always has an outcome or consequence. With the power of intention, adults are able to teach children how to take ownership of their feelings, reflect on their choice of behavior, and connect it to the consequence they are (or will be) experiencing. The goal of this skill is to teach children how to learn from their mistakes so that they can make more informed, productive, and supportive decisions in the future.

For example, a consequence might involve the child reflecting about how they felt when they hit their friend and redoing the interaction with new skills to communicate their desire for their friend's attention.

• Power: Intention: Mistakes are opportunities to learn.

• Becoming Brain Smart: The brain functions differently under threat.

• Skill: Natural consequences, tattling as a teaching tool, logical consequences, problem-solving, P.E.A.C.E. process

• School Family: Class Meetings, Conflict Resolution Time Machine, Relationship Repair Rituals