Learn to connect to self and others using NVC Empathy Cards

This is an overview of the NVC Dance Floor as well as a printable dance floor.

Jackal is the name given to self-talk, thoughts, judgements, and interpretations in Non-Violent Communication.

There is a time and place for listening to your own 'Jackal' and sharing it with others, but it's important to know what it is so you don't take it too seriously.

The time is when I need a cathartic release. The place is with my friends and family who are safe to not judge me for my uncensored words or be hurt by my judgements.

Echart Tolle speaks of this and so does Marshall Rosenburg.

This is an important step but is only internal or with a friend you are getting empathy from – not out loud with the person you are trying to connect with. It's where you get to vent all your judgements, interpretations, and feelings that blame (misjudged/abandoned etc). Get it out! Then when you are ready, move to one of the other steps.

This is also the place where you can discover that you are telling yourself things that actually make it harder for you to meet your needs. Learning to tell yourself the truth is a very effective way of meeting your needs better.

"To observe without interpreting is the highest form of intelligence."

The lecture teaches how, and why this is so important to observe without interpreting.

This step is about the facts. The facts are the part of the story that can't be argued with. It simply gives context for the experience. For yourself, this is an opportunity to get in touch with what happened separate from your judgements/jackal/interpretations.

e.g.  I notice that there are dishes on the bench. - Good! I notice that the bench is messy - Not so clear - messy is an interpretation.

Clearing the interpretations out of this step leaves less room for arguments. Interpretations reflect personal values and ideas, and that's what us humans tend to argue about!

The 'cleaner' our language, the more likely it is that we will be heard when expressing ourselves.

“Love is the absence of judgment.” -Dalai Lama XIV

This is about giving a SHORT, FACTUAL, description of what TRIGGERED you to want to connect.

“I noticed you went to the movies and didn't text me.”

“I saw the rubbish wasn't put out this week.”

“I notice we have not had a date for about 2 months.”

This lecture explains the feelings stage inthe dance floor.

Feelings are a primal body experience. As babies, we experience sadness, anger, and joy, but as we develop we enjoy a wider range of emotions and being able to name them and express them is essential to intimacy.

Unfortunately, our language has mixed up feelings in two significant ways.

Firstly - We say 'you made me feel' instead of 'I feel' which crosses an important boundary.

Secondly - Often what we express as feelings are actually thoughts, judgments and assessments (Jackal)

Both of these mix-ups contribute to violence. How - because saying or implying that 'you made me feel' with words like abandoned, neglected, misjudged, attribute blame to another person.

This step is about taking time to know what I am feeling and say it out loud. Have a good look and see what's really going on. Watch out for 'feelings that blame' or 'interpretations'. They belong in 'Jackal' mode as sharing them will likely trigger defensiveness. If you do feel like Jackalling, then step back into it and go for it J. But keep it internal and use it to help you know yourself.

Needs are our primary drivers.

"Everything we do is in service of our needs." (Marshall Rosenberg)

We have no business looking to make better life strategies until we are clear about what our needs are! The clearer we are about our needs, then the more likely it is we will be able to meet them.

Unfortunately, we don't have a language of needs - our language is full of judgements and demands, so in this lecture, you will learn about needs, and how they fit into the dance floor and why it's important to separate them from our requests.

This is about what you really want. Take time to really sit with your feelings and discover the need. Not the strategy, but they need. This isn't a demand on anyone, but a need that you have.

It will be unique to you because of your life story. It's not to be ashamed of or to be used as a demand of others. It's something that fills you up and you can ask others to help meet this need.

Requests if the final stage of the NVC Dance Floor. In this stage you will see how to bring what you notice, feel and need into a clear, present, do-able request - either for yourself or of another.

This isn't as easy as it sounds but a very important step in the process.

Remember your boundaries when you complete this step.

1. When I notice...

2. I feel...

3. Because of my need for...

4. I would like you to consider....

Notice that there is not judgement, no feelings that blame and no demands. It's not anybody elses fault you feel a particular way or that your needs are not met. It just is, and as you notice this, you are asking another person to contribute to your life by helping meet your needs.

“I would really like to know what you just heard me say.”

“I would like to go on a date this month – what do you think?”

“I would like to hear what you are feeling and needing at the moment.”

“I would like you to figure out a way to get rid of the rubbish this week so I need not worry about it.”
“I would like you to listen to me for 5 minutes while I get my thoughts out.”

These are requests – not demands. If you are not really asking. Don't ask – go back inside yourself and see why this feels so strong that you cannot make it as a genuine request.

The most simple use of the cards is to check in with yourself - or practice self-empathy.

You may be surprised at what you find yourself feeling or needing. You will definitely expand your empathic vocabulary and with this new vocab and awareness, it's highly likely you will start to better meet your needs day-to-day.

I highly recommend this practice if you tend to put others needs ahead of your own, or if you are in the helping professions.

I also recommend doing this at the end of a hard week, or the start of a holiday, or a stressful period in your life.

This self-knowledge will increase your resilience.

Let's check-in now! What are you feeling or needing right now? Close your eyes and connect with yourself. 

Ok, so you opened your eyes again, now use notes to record some of your current feelings, and then reflect on what needs might be connected to those.

"Am I feeling _________ because I have a need for __________?"

Sometimes it's difficult to imagine what another might be feeling or needing. We can get caught up in the detail of their story, or in our own projections of their situation.

Understanding another's feelings and needs helps us to connect with what matters to them.

This can be done in two ways:

1. Solo - just you and the cards. This is simply 'guessing human' (as Rosenberg would put it) to see what they might be feeling or needing. It's not safe to assume we are right, but it's just a guess that we can hold lightly and use to check in with them, or just gain empathy to help us be patient with them if they are frustrating us, or if we are looking for help in a forgiveness process.

2. With them - In this case, we can use empathy (awareness of their feelings and needs) to provide clarity in conversation with them.

I have been asked to add some more practical exercises so this is just a start of what will turn into a database of things that you can use the cards for!

Sometimes yucky stuff happens in our lives and our children's life. It pays to debrief from these so here is a little guide to engaging in one of these types of conversations.

If it's a REALLY yucky thing that's happened. I'm talking about trauma here. Then please lean on the support and expertise of an expert. 

This guide is intended for helping your children, friends and self, deal with the day to day frustrations of life!

If you are a stranger to yourself you will remain a stranger to others.

Knowing what you are feeling and needing gives you a chance to better care for yourself and then also greater clarity when making a request of another to contribute to your life.

This Lecture shows the simple process of using the cards to connect with your feelings and needs.

This lecture explains my integration of Non-Violent Communication with Cognitive Behavioral Theory. (NVC Integration with CBT)

It gives some practical examples and applications in therapy.

The good ol' problem of 'not enough time'. See what an NVC-style interview does with it!

This live interview is with a friend and me. It's unscripted and we just go with a topic that he agreed he was comfortable talking about in this context.

Enjoy seeing the different steps of the dance floor and the help of the cards in processing - even though in the end we make one up!

It's not every day you get to sit in on a counselling-style session like this so enjoy!

This lecture is about expressing gratitude fully.

It follows the same simple steps as the NVC Dance Floor to fully express why you are feeling grateful.

This full expression of gratitude and be immensely motivating for the receiver as it gives them a comprehensive understanding of why their actions meant so much.

1. When you...

2. I felt....

3. Because it meets my need for...
   

   Notice that it still keeps the boundaries clean and doesn't use positive judgement either. It's not - "You made me feel.... because you are so awesome..." etc.
   

This is a farewell lecture! I thought I had a video one of these - but couldn't find it!

I will make one soon, but for now, you have my words :)