Practical Life Coaching

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We all go though the Cycle of Change, over and over again, in our lives.

We will likely be at different stages of the cycle in different areas of our lives.

Catalytic Event:

This is an event that pushes us into Square 1.

The event may be:

• The death of a loved one

• Divorce

• Betrayal

• Losing a job

• Starting a new job or position

• Lottery win

• Marriage

• Pregnancy

• Realization of a new identity such as a gender change or a religious change

• Relocation of residence

• Challenging health diagnosis

The above is not an exhaustive list. If you have more examples, please let us all know in the discussion board!

Square 1: What is happening? Who Am I?

The strategies:

• Small or no decisions if possible

• Self care

• Grieve

• Disbelieve

Square 2: Dream

The strategies:

• Dream big

• Figure out aspects of my authentic self

• Journal

Square 3: This is more difficult than I thought

The strategies:

• What am I doing this?

• Inspiration and motivation

• Feedback - not failure

• Small, manageable steps

• Accountability

Square 4: Everything is always changing; and, that is okay, or, I have everything and I don't want to change anything, yet I feel unfulfilled

The strategies:

• Appreciation and gratitude

• Beginning or deepening my spirituality

Recommended Homework:

Take an inventory of your life and figure out where you are in the Cycle of Change in each area.

Partner with a colleague and together work on figuring out where you are in the Cycle of Change in each area of your life.

Remember, tools for working with the strategies are on the way to you!

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A) Distinguish the parts of your client's experience that are "clean pain" and the parts that are "dirty pain".

Clean Pain Examples:

Death, divorce, loss of job, accident causing loss of something physical and/or loss of time, children leaving home, traumatic event such as theft or assault, a move.

Dirty Pain:

Any thought patterns that are creating fear of future, worry, resentment, judgment, feelings of inferiority or superiority, jealousy, phobia, guilt, blame.

B) Start with the clean pain.

C) Support your client grieve their clean pain.

Support your client in the grieving process:

1) See your client as emotionally strong:

"...always remember, you're braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think."

- Christopher Robin (Winnie the Pooh)

Reflect to your client the strong inner part of them that you know is there, despite possible lack of evidence.

• "This too shall pass"

• "There is light at the end of the tunnel"

• "To every thing there is a season"

• "There is life after this loss"

2) Bring awareness to where your client is focusing:

• Honour the pain; AND, create a practice of noticing what is going right, what your client can appreciate

• In what areas does your client have control?

3) Be the voice of reason:

• Realize, and help your client to realize that their reasoning faculties may not currently be running at full capacity

• Brainstorm on ways to facilitate honouring their anger, denial, self soothing, and depression in ways that will not create more things to have to clean up later

"When you're in a hole, stop digging"

The phases of grief are:

• Denial

• Anger

• Depression

• Bargaining

• Acceptance

Know that these phases do not necessarily happen in a linear fashion.

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What is a belief?

A belief is a statement or group of statements and/or images (schema) that we tell ourselves, and we assume to be true.

How do we form our beliefs?

• Through a highly emotionally impactful event or time in our lives (especially if it happened during our formative years - though not exclusively)

• By hearing a message repeatedly

• By choice, because of having respect and/or admiration of the person or organization that stated it

• By default, through a common cultural belief or standard

Why are our beliefs important?

• Beliefs and schemas filter our perceptions

  • see Prof Richard Wiseman at the University of Hartforshire "The Luck Factor" experiments

  • Please view the video referenced below (**) on the original gorilla on the basketball court experiment (although I see that it is not an actual court). It is not valid for you now because you already know about the gorilla, however, show it to someone who hasn't heard about it and see what happens!

  ** Go on YouTube and search for the Selective Attention Test by Daniel Simons

  
  

• Beliefs allow us to attempt to achieve goals;

  • The video referenced below (**) is the story of Jen Bricker, who achieved gymnastic feats without having legs

  ** Go on YouTube and search for Gymnast Without Legs Remembers The Moment She Found Out Her Idol Was Her Sister by Inside Edition

  
  

• Limiting beliefs may stop us from attempting to achieve goals, or even, stop us from daring to dream of achieving goals

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Once you start tuning in to the beliefs in your clients' stories, you will pick them out easily and quickly. Once you start practicing this, you will also begin automatically tuning in to the beliefs of everyone else - your friends, family, and the cashier at the grocery store! It may be tempting to point them out; however, most people do not appreciate unsolicited coaching :-D

A major aspect of identifying your client's beliefs will be to discern if they are helpful or not helpful. Your client may argue the "correctness" or "goodness" of a belief, and while it may be relatively correct or good, it still may not be helpful.

For example:

Your male client believes that "the man should be the main financial provider of a household. For many years he worked hard and provided well for his wife and children. Recently, he lost his job and has been unable to find other employment. His wife took on full time work and is currently paying the household bills. Your client is miserable to the point of deep shame and inner crisis.

You can easily see that while his belief of "the man should be the main financial provider of a household" served him well, and gave him a sense of pride, while he fit into it, it is no longer serving him well. To say that this belief is correct or good is obviously a dangerous judgment call at this point. We, as coaches, always come from a place of non-judgment, and want to encourage our clients to do the same.

You may receive pushback from this client because his belief is long held and feels like the truth to him; plus, he hired you to help him find work, not to question his beliefs.

The problem is that finding meaningful employment when in a state of shame and crisis will not be easy or effective.

The solution is to help him understand the benefits of disbelieving his old limiting belief, then to actually disbelieve it. Not only will he be able to think more clearly and become more creative, he will also be able to move into Square 2 of Dreaming his new life without fear of once again losing his identity of what a man should be.

Locus of Control

Old psychology used to theorize that Locus of Control (LOC), was an innate fixed state. While our LOC is likely learned from a very young age, we now know that it is, thankfully, not a fixed personality trait.

An inner LOC is the belief that power comes from within; and, we can have some control over our life circumstances.

An outer LOC is the belief that power lies outside of ourselves; and, we have very little control over our life circumstances.

Inner LOC beliefs:

"I can learn almost anything when I put my mind to it."

"If I keep trying, I will eventually land on an idea that works."

Outer LOC beliefs:

"It's all about who you know."

"It's a man's world. A female can never get ahead."

Unhealthy or inappropriate Inner LOC beliefs:

"If I don't do it myself, it never gets done properly."

"It's all my fault. I can't do anything right."

Unhealthy or inappropriate Outer LOC beliefs:

"Anyone could have done as good a job."

"I guess I was in the right place at the right time."

The way that you can move your clients from having an outer LOC to an inner LOC is to identify their beliefs, disbelieve the unhelpful ones, and adopt new helpful ones.

That's next!

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Examples of different types of statements:

Blanket Statements are overarching beliefs that really don't leave much room for any different perspective or possibility.

• "Everybody will hate me if I do this."

• "I am a failure."

• "I am a worrywart."

• "Men are liars."

• "Women are crazy."

• "Millennials are entitled."

• "Canadians are wishy-washy."

• "Americans are arrogant."

• "Money is difficult to make."

Catastrophic Statements

• "I have ruined everything!"

• "This is an absolute disaster!"

Relative Truths

• "To be a successful entrepreneur, I need the credentials of a higher education in order to give my work and myself validity."

• "I am too old to start over."

• "I am too small to be a football player."

• "I am too short to be a model."

Stuck Statements

• "This is just the way that I am."

• "I don't know enough about money to be able to manage it."

• "I don't know how to cook vegetarian."

• "I don't know how to travel alone."

• "I don't know how to invest in the stock market."

• "I can't lose weight."

• "I can't go out on my own."

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Pulling apart a blanket statement requires us to narrow down and question the validity of each part of the statement.

One very popular belief that you will hear will be a version of “Everybody is going to hate me, everybody is going to think I am crazy, everybody will think I am arrogant. Everybody will think…fill in the blank.

With this one, what you’ll want to do is split the statement in two. First look at your client’s “everybody”. Have your client make a list of their everybody. Generally “everybody” turns out to be a handful of people. From there, you can discuss with your client what each individual person’s likelihood of judgement actually may be and what the worst case scenario would mean. That will allow your client to decide if he or she is willing to move forward, regardless of the possible worst case scenarios. It's great to imagine best case scenarios as well.

The empty elevator syndrome in coaching is when your clients starts out on a full elevator, and when he or she begins to rise up, some people may decide to exit the elevator. For this reason, the decision to rise up can be very scary. When it happens, life can feel lonely and even disappointing. You can assure your client that once their elevator is at their chosen floor, more people...new people, who are in alignment with their new reality, will step on.

The people who exit your client's elevator may:

1) Not appreciate the disruption of the status quo of the relationship dynamic.

2) Have beliefs and schemas that do not fit your client's new dream.

3) Negatively compare themselves to your client's new success.

4) Feel that they are losing control over your client.

5) Feel inadequate to hold on to your client's love and affection. Misery loves company.

When it comes to coaching a client who fears judgment from "everybody", it may seem like the right approach to take is to try to convince your client of things like "you can't please everybody all of time", or "live your truth", or "you need to care less what others think". While these statements are fantastic, they will rarely have the desired impact. The more impactful strategy is to work with your client to understand and cherish their own personal truth.

In the case where your clients, “everybody” truly is everybody, as in they are concerned about what the world at large will think of them, now we come to the second part of pulling apart the belief. This is about fear of judgment and fear of losing connection. The human desire to fit in is very strong because it is tied to connection. When we are more concerned about connecting externally rather than connecting with our own authentic selves, we run the risk of giving away our power. Once we are connected with ourselves, we are then able to connect with others is a very authentic way. So, the answer to this is to investigate where your client is judging themselves. The truth is, the only time we are affected by another’s judgment of us is when and where we are judging ourselves. So again, the answer, the KEY here is to encourage your clients to look at their own inner judgments and begin to choose to think differently. That is as simple as catching an inner judgement, and then saying to self, “I choose to no longer say that to myself"…and then change the statement. It is simple fix, yet not easy.

“I am a failure, I am useless,” I am….again…fill in the blank. What you need to do here is separate the circumstance from the being. Failing at something is not the same as BEING a failure. Have your client begin to look at evidence to the contrary so they can stand up for their own virtues and accomplishments rather than argue for their limitations.

When your client is judging someone or something else, you can be 100% positive that they are judging themselves. You could take the approach of looking at every outward judgement and pick it apart, however, that could be a long arduous process. It is akin to fixing the symptom and not the problem. There is an easier and more beneficial way and this is KEY. Again, encourage your client to start exploring where he or she is judging themselves. The most miraculous thing happens when we stop judging ourselves…we automatically and effortlessly stop judging other as well! It is impossible to judge someone else and not hurt ourselves in the process. This is a very simple truth and a very simple strategy, and at the same time, yet again, not necessarily easy. It takes commitment, dedication and practice. And supporting your clients in their commitment, dedication and practice is where you will be a life changing benefit to them.

Next up…catastrophic statement and relative truths…

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Catastrophic thinking will be about a couple of different things:

1) Habitual way of speaking or a manner of speaking.

If your client says something catastrophic like:

What a disaster, f*&% my life, shoot me now. I am crazy stupid busy. I’m such an idiot...This is simply about language.

What you will want to do is interrupt your client when you hear this kind of language and ask them to reword it in a way that is more empowering. Words are incredibly important and powerful. They are creative. Our subconscious minds do not understand sarcasm, facetiousness or self deprecation for the purpose of seeming to be humble (being humble is not self deprecating), or for the purpose of eliciting pity (many people will like to play a pity card to help them get away with bad behaviour, because others tend to give more leeway to people towards whom they feel sorry or pity). Our subconscious takes our words seriously and literally. And your clients don’t want their subconscious to filter out everything that is opposite of disastrous, crazy, stupid, idiotic, etc.

2) Creating drama.

You will spot quite quickly if your client is creating drama. Most people who create drama in their lives are the ones who are most vehement about not liking drama. This is not a lie. It is an indication that they are doing it subconsciously; and, most of us do it subconsciously on some level.

Why? Our minds want to move us away from painful emotions, but our egos have a different agenda. This is a classic case of the angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other.

Dr. David Hawkins created the Scale of Emotions. You can read more about it in his book "Power vs Force".

Destructive behaviours (including catastrophic thinking), pull us down into negative emotions, creating drama. The ego loves drama. It is an effective way for the ego to feel alive. The ego is about creating identity and it does not want to give up its identity. If the ego identifies as an alcoholic, a drug addict, a pornography addict, an overweight person, a gambler, an angry person, a jealous person, a fill in the blank, it will not want to give up its identity.

Please understand that I am not saying that alcohol, drugs, pornography, sugar, gambling, anger, jealousy, etc, are bad. There can be a place in life for moderate amounts of these things and behaviours for some people. For others, these things and behaviours can be addictive and destructive. Even things that we don't necessarily judge as "bad", like working out, sex, giving, keeping a schedule, working hard, etc, can become addictive and out of balance, and thereby also become a destructive force.

When we feel any kind of negative emotion, even and maybe especially, boredom, the reward centre in our brains is activated and wants to be fed so it can release dopamine into our systems to help us feel better. The key is to experiment with different thoughts and behaviours that will feed the reward centre in a way that will not later activate feelings of guilt and shame, which creates a vicious cycle feedback loop.

This is where creativity is an incredibly valuable asset. We can teach ourselves to be productive in creative ways, which gives the ego a positive sense of self, AND releases the feel good hormones dopamine and serotonin. Creative productivity can come in so many forms, like writing, drawing, painting, decorating, baking, cooking, building something, planning, learning a new skill...creativity is limitless.

There are many ways that your clients can experiment with raising their frequency, over and above productivity. Meditation, clean eating, high vibrational music, being in nature, exercise, sleep, actively loving someone or something, water (drinking it and being in it), singing, dancing, journaling, laughing, cleaning, helping others, and being around positive people. Please share if you have other ideas!

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Relative and Conditional Truths

The ideas in this section may be one of the most impactful and eye opening for your clients. It can also be one of the trickiest with respect to spotting relative truths, and with respect to challenging your clients about them.

I STILL catch myself with relative and conditional truths. They are pervasive. Because of this, I make sure to have my own coach at all times, who is willing to challenge me. Live it to give it.

Your clients will now have you to challenge them so they can learn and grow.

Here are some popular relative and conditional truths (the list, though, is non-exhaustive!):

"You have to work hard for money."

"I need to have a book published before I can be a public speaker."

"The economy is too bad for me to start a business right now."

"The town I live in is too small to support my new business idea."

When you listen carefully, these beliefs sound like excuses. They sound like your client is arguing FOR current and/or possible limitations; and, your work is to help them have a new perspective so they can start focusing on their strengths and on possible solutions…on possible alternatives.

A relative truth does not feel relative for your client. It feels absolute.

There is a way to test if your client’s belief is a relative truth or an absolute truth.

An absolute truth has to be true for every single person, otherwise it is true only relative to your client. If it is true only relative to your client then it is a belief…a limiting belief…a roadblock…and it keeps your client feeling stuck.

Feeling stuck is one of the most common reasons why your clients will reach out for your support in the first place.

The good news is that once you and your client identify the relative truth as such, understand that makes it a belief and we know that beliefs can be changed.

Have your client put their truth to the test.

Here is an example of what that might look like in a session:

Client:

“You have to work hard for money.”

You:

“You do? What is your definition of ‘working hard’?

C:

“Working hard means putting in long hours doing something that I don’t want to do.”

Y:

“So if you were putting in long hours doing something that you do want to do, is that still working hard?”

C:

“Well I guess it still could be working hard, but it wouldn’t seem hard. It would be more satisfying. So no…I would not say that is working ‘hard’.

Y:

“Let’s clarify and define what that type of work that would be then.”

C:

“OMG you’re so picky.”

Y:

“Yes, I am.:

C:

“Okay fine. That kind of work would feel good and fulfilling, so I would call that ‘working passionately’.”

Y:

“Okay, so we have working hard for money vs working passionately for money. How does that sound?”

C:

“Correct.”

Y:

“You have to work hard for money. Do you still feel that is true?”

C:

“Yes, it is the truth. There is no free ride. The harder you work, the more money you can make. It’s just the way it is. I am so tired of working this hard. I have no time for anything that I want to do and my life is passing me by. If I were working on my passion, I would not be able to make enough money. Unless I completely lucked out. But that is not likely to happen. It is all about who you know.”

(You can easily pick out the new beliefs that came up.)

Y:

“Okay, I heard more beliefs in that. Let’s put the 1st belief to the test…You have to work hard for money. For that to be absolutely true, it has to be true for every single person on the planet. Is it?”

C:

“Yes”

Y:

“Are you sure? What about ______________________? Or, can you think of anyone at all for whom that is not true?"

C:

“Ya but that person ______________________________________”.

This where your client may project superhuman attributes or luck, on your example as a CONDITION, and a further excuse as to why he or she cannot.

Often, clients do not want to give up their relative and/or conditional truths because they are serving a purpose of keeping them safe. This is coming from a place of fear. It is not up to us to judge if that fear is a valid reason to stay stuck; yet, it is up to us to bring it to light. That way, your client can feel empowered, knowing that he or she has options and is making an informed decision.

To recap:

When your client presents with a relative truth and/or limiting condition, you will ask your client to think of examples of people who have succeeded despite having the similar conditions. If your client cannot come up with any examples, I have included several that you can offer. I am sure there are hundreds more to be found.

Remember, it is your client’s job to research how the successful person did it. This part of the exercise is important in order to really drive home that every successful person met challenges and chose to keep going anyway. Then your client will not be as inclined to make further excuses and say, “Ya but…that person came from money…that person lived in the right city…that person lived in the right era…that person knew influential people, that person ___________________________ (fill in the blank).”

If you have not already, I highly recommend that you read the book "Mindset - The New Psychology of Success” by Carol S. Dweck. She dives deep Into the 2 different mindset camps - fixed mindset vs growth mindset.

A fixed, or limited mindset client will have all sorts of relative and conditional truths that are blocking them. When you can expose their beliefs, open the possibility for other perspectives by seeing examples in others, as we looked at in this lesson, then your client automatically moves into a growth mindset, and possibilities are almost limitless!

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Stuck Statements

Should, shouldn’t, have to, need to, can’t, I don’t know how…

Theses are all words that are incredibly disempowering and can cause us to feel:

• Guilty

• Victimized

• Powerless

• Angry

• Frustrated

• Worried

• Stuck

Here are some examples that I have heard often in my practice:

• “I should be further ahead at this point in my life.”

• “I should be 20 pounds thinner.”

• “My children should clean up after themselves.”

• “I should be happier and more grateful.”

• “I should have more money in the bank.”

• “I shouldn’t feel dissatisfied - at least I have a job.”

• “I have to stay in this rotten marriage.”

• “I need to make all of the decisions in my household.”

These types of sentences become an endless loop and there is no way out. There is no possibility for solutions. That is why they make us feel stuck.

Clients can be quite resistant to giving up these words, because at some level, they

1. believe that feeling guilty, victimized, angry, frustrated worried and stuck are either feelings that they deserve to feel…

… in which case, they are harshly judging themselves. When we judge ourselves, we must have retribution and the way that we get retribution for self judgment is to withhold self love, which shows up in the way of self-sabotage. “I should go to bed early” (subtext that the subconscious hears is “I am not going to bed early”) Then, the self-judgment “Something is wrong with me that I don’t go to bed early.” Then the retribution - withholding self love. Then then self-sabotage because of needing to withhold self love - I don’t go to bed early. And around and around and around it goes

or,

2. they believe the these feelings help to motivate them in some way:

• “If I don’t feel guilty about where I am in life, I will become a lazy slob.”
  - “If I don’t feel powerless about my weight, I will have to work hard to attain my ideal weight.”
  - “If I don’t feel frustrated about my children’s poor habits, they will really get out of control.”
  - “If I don’t feel guilty about my lack of gratitude, I will be a bad person.”
  - “If I don’t feel worried about my money situation, I will become a bag lady.”

• “If I don’t feel angry about my marriage, it means I am allowing myself to settle for not having my needs met.”

• “If I don’t feel victimized about making all of the decisions in my household, I will be accepting it and then my wife will pile more of the responsibilities on me and I will become even less of a true man.”

Not only are these statements untrue, but they are the exact opposite of the truth. We cannot be creative and empowered when we are feeling these negative emotions.

SO, the trick is to start to change our words:

“I should, shouldn’t, have to, need to” becomes “I want to”, “I will”, “I plan to”, and then we add some solutions options:

• “I want to be further ahead in my life.” I am going to do some research and enlist some help.
  - “I plan to be 20 pounds thinner.” I am not going to do another crazy diet or buy any magic pills. This time I am going to find an expert and figure out what is going on with me. By this time next year, my weight will never again be an issue in my life.
  - “My children do not clean up after themselves.” Thank goodness they are normal! Lol. Still, I want them to help out a little more so I am going to have a nice, relaxed chat with them to find out what could possibly motivate them to want to clean up after themselves.
  - “I want to feel happier and more grateful.” I am going to start a gratitude journal today. I am going to write out a few things for which I am grateful every single day.
  - “I will have more money in the bank.” I am going to change my attitude about money and I am going to learn how to grow it.

• “I want to stay in my marriage and things are rotten right now”. I am going to get some support with it.

• “I actually like making most of the decisions in my household. I am going to learn how to feel good about that.

You can easily see how changing one word opens the possibility for solutions.

The other way you can support your client in getting out of the loop is to :

a) list the stuck statements in a column on the left

b) list the preferred truth statements in a column on the right

c) fill in the middle column with bridge statements or solution statements that can possibly facilitate the desired new belief

For example:

1. I don’t understand how to manage money (column A)

2. I am a great money manager (column C)

3. I am working with a money coach and learning how to manage money, or, I am reading a bunch of books on money management, or, I am taking a course on how to manage money (column B)

Please Google the following for these extra resources:

Byron Katie: The work

Steven Hayes: ACT

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Square 2 is where you will work in the abstract to understand your clients’ heart’s desires.

This is when and how you and your client will gain crystal clarity about who they are and what they want. You can use the tools in this chapter to make decisions and to problem solve.

Square 2 tools tend to make excellent group coaching, workshop and webinar exercises.

To assess if your client is in square 2 in some area of their life, the markers here are:

A) Change of Style: If you are working with a client in Square 1 and into Square 2, you will notice that he or she begins to look a little different…perhaps a new hairstyle or new clothing, weight gain or loss, different posture… This may be a conscious shift and more likely unconscious. Your client may go his or her closet and think, why am I dressing like this? I need to go shopping. This is because our outer world (part of that being our image and even our own bodies) is a reflection of our inner world, so when your client’s inner identity is changing, so is his or her look.

B) If a client comes to you in Square 2, their biggest challenge is…

I want to know what I want. I want to go back to school but don’t know what I want to take, I want change careers but I don’t know what I want to do. I have a big decision to make and I don’t know what to do.

Tool #1

Authentic and Socialized Self

We all have 2 major aspects to ourselves…our authentic self and our socialized self. So, let’s put these at the top of 2 columns and work out what falls is which camp:

Authentic: Socialized:

Heart Brain

Feminine Masculine

Receiving Giving

Subconscious Conscious

Feelings Thoughts

Abstract Literal

Subjective Objective

Both aspects are equally important and equally valuable.

There are very specific ways in which to engage each side that will bring positive results in our lives. Square 2 tools engage the authentic self. Square 3 tools engage the socialized self.

If we value one side more than the other, we could easily end up in trouble.

Our culture tends to value the brain more than the heart and that is a very bad mistake. Our brains only have the past as reference. Our brains are not meant to make us happy, they are meant to keep us alive.

Our thoughts are not necessarily factual.

Our brains will boldly lie to us to keep us small and safe. These are not traits of a good leader. Our brains, however, are excellent at figuring things out.

If we put our heart first, understand what it wants, let is lead, then put our brains to work to get the heart what it wants, life works very well.

The heart always has general desires. The heart will never say “you must become a veterinarian”. That is a brain statement. The heart may say “I desire to feel useful to animals, expand their rights, positively influence their health and well-being”. Then the brain can go to work to try different strategies to get the heart’s desire. That may be going to vet school, or it may be raising money for the humane society or it may be traveling to 3rd world countries and saving stray animals or it may be becoming a dog walker.

It is extremely important when you are working with clients in Square 2, to remember that there is more than one road that leads to Rome.

It is never too late or impossible to fill a heart’s desire.

The other important thing to remember is that there is no bad or wrong heart’s desire. Clients may think that their heart’s desire is wrong, but that is only through conditioning.

For example…

Let’s say a little child is born with a heart’s desire for order and discipline, organization and practicality. He or she was raised by a hippy mother who loved to live in a fringe sub-culture without many rules. He or she may not be encouraged to join the armed forces, yet that could possibly suit his or her authentic self.

Or the other way around could happen. Perhaps that little child is born with the heart’s desire for a lot of freedom and little structure, yet is born to parents who are in the forces.

And you will find that many of your clients are born into families who have opposing values.

I have attached a questionnaire below that you can use to begin to illuminate your clients’ authentic selves…

It is all about helping your clients to remember or be aware of what they are drawn to, when they lose track of time, what they prioritize, who they feel comfortable around, and the very popular coaching question:

“What would you be doing if money, time, age, other people’s opinions and your own insecurities were not factors?"

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The 2nd tool in Square 2 is incredibly interesting. I call in Outside In.

Staying with the principal that I introduced in the last lesson, ‘As Within, So Without. As Without, So Within”, you can glean information about what is going on in your clients’ belief systems, thoughts and emotions, based on their perceptions of their outer world.

Step One:

(Be prepared to take notes with this exercise. You will want to jot down all of your clients answers.)

• Ask your client to imagine being outside of the place where they live and describe it, including how they feel about it.

Step Two:

• Ask your client to imagine going in the door that they use most often and to describe that space, including how they feel about it.

Step Three:

• Ask your client to go through their entire home and describe each space, room by room.

Step Four:

• Go through the descriptions of each room, one by one, and ask your client how that description could possibly relate to how they feel about themselves or about something in their lives.

You will find that the relational aspects of the descriptors are connected to main function of each space.

For example:

Your client may describe their kitchen as modern and clean and they feel it is boring, uninspiring, yet perfectly functional.

The kitchen obviously represents food and nurturing. It is also often considered the heart of the home. When you ask your client where in their life they feel is boring, uninspiring, it will not surprise you to hear that your client feels their diet is boring yet functional and also their social life is uninspiring.

Step Five:

• Ask your client how they would prefer to feel in that aspect of their life.

In our example, your client may want to feel excited about their diet and more inspired with their social life.

Step Six:

• Have your client imagine ways to create the atmosphere in each room that they would prefer to feel in that are of their life.

In our example, the client may prefer to have a more flavourful diet and a more inspiring social life. You will have the client imagine ways of creating an exciting and inspiring atmosphere in their kitchen. The client may decide to add more colour with some plants or some art, to find an interesting cookbook and display it on the counter in a beautiful cookbook holder, create a conversation space if possible.

There are endless ways to create. This will be their action step after the session. You may want to ask for a photo (to help keep your client accountable)

You will be amazed at your clients perceptions and how they relate these perceptions to other parts of their lives.

It’s integral that we, as coaches, do not project our own perceptions when doing this exercise. Because one person’s boring can be another person’s sanctuary. One person’s clutter can be another person’s comfort.

The theory behind this exercise As Within So Without is that our outer world is a reflection of our inner world and much of work is supporting transformation of our client’s inner world and then the outer automatically begins to change. This work approaches it the other way. As Without So Within. It’s changing the outer world so as to influence transformation inside.

I first learned this decades ago when I read a book called Your Handwriting can Change Your Life by Vimala Rogers. You’ve probably heard of handwriting analysts who can glean information about your personality from your handwriting. Vimala’s theory is that you can change your personality by changing your handwriting. I tried it and found the results quite astonishing.

The exercise of Outside In works in a similar way and you and your clients will find the results quite amazing also.

This exercise can be as long or as short as you like. It can be done in your 1:1 sessions, and it is also super fun as group exercise if you are doing group coaching, a workshop or have been hired or asked to be a speaker somewhere.

If you want to make this exercise shorter, you can ask your clients to think about the space in their home that they like the least, and use only that room instead of their entire house.

If you are going to do this as a group exercise, tell your participants to keep their answers to themselves.

The very first time that I did this exercise with a group, I asked them to think about their least favourite room and to write it down including a description. One participant blurted out “My Living Room! It’s old and tired and outdated!”. I was mortified because I knew what was coming next.

This exercise can get very personal. You can imagine if someone describes their bedroom as boring or a complete disastrous mess. So in a group setting, this is NOT an interactive exercise unless someone wants to share at the end of it once they understand what’s going on!

Have fun with this one! It’s an eye opener.

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Continuing on in Square 2, where we gain clarity and problem solve some pretty big questions like:

• who am I really?, and

• what should I do?

So, here you want to get your clients out of this problem brain state and into a solution mind state and remember that the brain has limited capacity here because it only has access to what we’ve already learned and what we’ve experienced in the past and so if the solution isn’t there it’ll just take a problem and it’ll spin it around and then we can begin to ruminate.

The solution mind state is really over here, the subconscious, the super conscious, the heart has access to inspiration and using metaphor is a fantastic way to switch states from the conscious brain rumination into the subconscious creative solution mind state because subconscious works really well with metaphor being that it’s abstract, it’s imagery, it’s story.

This next tool is deceivingly simple exercise that yields really great results. Again, simple isn’t necessarily easy, this exercise is a very meditative type of exercise and not all of your clients will be used to playing around in that space, so be sure to give your clients lots of time here.

Step 1: Create a metaphor for the issue

Ask your client - If this problem or this issue were a person, a place or a thing? Who? Where or What would it be?

Step 2: Create a metaphor for the desired state

Ask your client - Who? Where? or What would you prefer it to be?

Step 3: Still in metaphor, morph the 1st one into the 2nd

Still using metaphor - what needs to happen to transform the first metaphor into the second metaphor?

Step 4:

Now, this is where we change the solution metaphors into real life strategies.

Here’s an example, of a client who I worked with recently that will just help bring this to life for you.

So, this woman described her life “as being, like she was a kind maiden, walking along a lovely beach but she would keep getting blindsided by title waves and more recently a tsunami.”

When I asked her to create a new metaphor, she actually complained a little bit because she was like “well I love my I love my beach, I just am so fed up with being blindsided.”

So, I encouraged her to just go really crazy with this, she can absolutely stay on the beach but how could it be better? how could she prepare herself more? how could she protect herself from being blindsided by this title waves?

And so, she said “well she would actually on a big Kingdom on the beach and then she could have a palace on higher ground where she could really watch and she would have access to researchers who could give her weather reports on a regular basis.”

So, now we had a bunch of really great metaphorical strategies that we could switch to real life and use them as strategies moving forward.

For some background for you - this particular client was very very desperate for connection and as such she just let anybody into her life and she was honestly letting herself be wilfully blind to people who really weren’t good. But her energy, her attitude of being desperate for connection literally attracted users a.k.a. the title waves in the tsunami‘s into her life.

So, now she had a made-up alter ego to work with, being still a beautiful and kind but now a wise, mature a queen who owned all of this kingdom or queendom I guess and the moving to a higher grown was a metaphor for learning how to set boundaries, having a little bit of distance from people and allowing herself to see a little bit more clearly, to start to become more discerning.

Moving forward she was able to choose who she wanted in her kingdom and of course who she wanted in her closer circle, in her own palace.

This metaphor tool, much like the one in the previous lesson really lends itself group coaching and to workshops. Your participants can work on their own or they can work in pairs and you can just go wild with what you’ll have them do.

I have found personally that when I have a workshop whether it’s in person or online, where the participants are creating something in the physical world that they can keep, it has fantastic response. For this particular exercise, your participants could create, drawer, paint alter egos, they could do vision boards, they could somehow create a physical representation of their solution metaphors.

Just take this one and add your own flair and flavour to it.

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This lessons Tool is called “Ideal Day”, its a classic coaching exercise that’s meant to be used as a tool for gaining clues, to you clients authentic self, desires, emotional states that your client would love to experience.

Again, much like the other Square 2, it is metaphoric, it’s getting your clients to relax and to daydream. It’s coming up with big outrageous and not necessarily realistic visions.

Be sure to explain this clearly to your client before beginning the exercise.

Step 1:

Have your clients get comfortable, close their eyes and guide them to take 4 or 5 intentional breaths, as if breathing out a bunch of candles on the cake. Just long, slow and controlled and then breathing in naturally. This mode of breathing signals the parasympathetic nervous system to kick in helping your clients to relax deeply.

Step 2:
Now you will guide your client through a day in their ideal life and it may sound something like that this.

Imagine that you’re waking up in a day of your ideal life and take a look around…you can ask questions like:

• what kind of room are you in? what is the atmosphere and decor like? what is your bed like?

• take a look at your phone or at a clock, what time are you waking up? in your ideal life

• take a look beside you, is there anyone there?

• get out of bed and go find a mirror, what do you look like? what’s the expression in your eyes?

• how do you feel about your day? do you notice anything different about you?

• what’s the first thing that you’re going to do?

• go and look in your closet, what kind of clothes are in there? do you notice any specialty items like hiking boots or swimsuits or maybe there’s a beekeeping outfit?

• is there anyone else in the home? if so, who are they?

Continue to guide your client all through their ideal day, have them take a look outside or in the garage.

• What kind of vehicle or vehicles do they drive? or do they walk or do they take a subway or ride a bicycle or rollerblades?

• where are they going? Are they going to work, if so what’s like? what are the people like you are there? Do they work from home?

If your client is playing around with this exercise in the way that’s really going to yield the highest value, you may hear some things like they wake up in a penthouse overlooking Central Park in New York but by lunchtime they’re walking around the town square and a little Italian village and in the afternoon, they’re having a swim in the ocean at Laguna Beach not realistic at all.

But if your client begins describing life much as it already is for them, they’re not likely getting the point of this exercise and then you’ll want to coach them into breaking the current barriers.

Let them know, it’s just fantasy. There’s no judgement and you’re not going to be coaching them to make it real, it’s simply to gain little glimmers of desire. It’s all about feeling.

Step 3:

This step could happen in the same session or it could happen in a following session.

Once you and your client identify some key emotions and feelings are desired, then you can come back down to earth and begin brainstorming strategies on possible ways to create a life or a goal that will align with your clients authentic self.

The process of brainstorming strategies is best done also without limits because ideas can be crossed off, they can be tweaked, they can be changed but if there’s not much on the page or if the page has ideas that your client already had before they listed your support, they may not get very far.

This is really the time to dream, explore, excite the imagination, fantasize. This will create little seeds in the subconscious and it will be so amazing for you and your client just to see what will germinate from there.

What is going to flower into existence?

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Intuition is a sense, much like our other 5 senses, yet in my opinion is actually the most reliable because it is our sense the is most closely connected with our subconscious and superconscious. If you are spiritually inclined, we may say that intuition is how your spirit communicates with you.

All of our senses can be sharpened…

• Sommeliers can easily detect the notes in a wine.

• Chefs can identify different spices in food.

• Musicians are better adapted than other people at discerning subtle pitch and tonal differences in sound.

• Dr. Liberban, PhD. optometrist who wrote the book “Take Off Your Glasses and See”, teaches the theory and practices of improving vision.

So too can we sharpen our sense of intuition. As coaches, this is a sense that we want to have sharpened because when your client is speaking, you will be able to use your intuition to read between the lines and to understand what parts of your clients stories are bits that require further investigation.

Sharpening intuition would be an entire other course on its own. To start, it is about getting quiet and paying attention to how we feel physically.

Our intuition speaks to us through our bodies.

When we are using intuition to make a decision, such as you are going to teach your clients how to do, a "no" answer always feels contracted, and a "yes" answer always feels expansive.

People will feel their intuition in different parts of their bodies. What I have noticed is that a "no" response and a "yes" response is generally in the same body part, just an opposite sensation.

For example, the person who feels heaviness in their chest with a “no”, will often feel like they can breathe easily and deeply with a “yes”. The person who feels a tightness in their throat with a “no”, will often feel like singing or laughing with a “yes”. The person who feels a tight clenching in their tummy with a “no” will often feel pleasant butterflies in their tummy with a “yes”. The person who feels like running away with a “no” will likely feel present and settled with a “yes”.

This is just an observation and not always the case.

Here is the tool:

Step 1

Have your client relax with a few intentional breaths, breathing out slowly and breathing in normally.

Step 2

Ask your client to remember a period of time or a moment in time that was not a good time. Let your client really be there and then ask them how they are feeling in their body.

Be aware that some people are extremely disconnected with their bodies and may take awhile, may take some practice to get there.

Also, some people have trouble expressing how they feel physically in their bodies and may say something like “I feel angry or I feel upset”. These, of course, are emotions and not physical feelings. You may have to keep asking, “and how does that feel in your body…how does your body react when you are angry or upset?” until you get to the physical sensations.

Step 3

Have your client shake off that memory and settle into relaxation again.

Step 4

Ask your client to remember a period of time or a moment in that that was good. Once your client is there, ask them again to describe what they are feeling physically in their bodies.

The negative memory will incite the intuition’s “no” response and the positive memory, the “yes” response.

The intuition usually speaks in the same way all of the time, just varying in intensity. So the person who feels a dark cloud in their head with a “no” response, and a pleasant light headedness with a “yes” response, will likely always feel their intuition in the area of their head.

This is the most invaluable tool. It is always correct, and it takes it takes the pressure off of us, as coaches, to feel like we have to figure out our clients problems or give answers to their questions.

We can confidently say,

“I don’t have the answer for you, but…I know you do.”

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Welcome to Square 3 tools!

Square 3 is about pushing up our sleeves and getting to work.

If you have been working with your client through Square 1 and 2, and now into Square 3, or just Square 2 and into Square 3, you and your client likely have a great idea of who they truly are and why they want to accomplish the goal on which you are about to work.

If your client is coming to you in Square 3 and is enlisting your help to strategize, motivate, and help out with accountability, which is what many people think about when they think about Life Coaching, you will want to start with digging into their “Why”.

Why? Because Square 3 can be a tough place. You may remember the mantra here: “This is more difficult than I thought”. When things get tough, your client will need a reminder of why this goal is important.

In order to have motivation, we need motive…a reason why. And that reason needs to be important to your client’s authentic self.

Our reason why is always about how we believe accomplishing the goal is going to make us feel. There are no desires here that are silly, insignificant, wrong or bad.

The way your client wants to feel may be proud, humble, in control, free, accomplished, creative, loved, helpful, included, original, strong, empowered, adored, famous, influential, attractive, honourable, safe, connected, balanced, energetic, powerful, vital, passionate, intimate, confident, competent, peaceful, important and/or happy.

The reason why your client wants to feel something may come from many different life situations. If your client can identify the external motivation, that will add to their ability to become inspired.

To be clear, motivation is what pushes us to act. It comes from the outside. There is nothing wrong with wanting and needing motivation. We can help to motivate our clients by believing in them and helping them to see an upgraded version of themselves. We can help to motivate them through encouraging words and through being a great example ourselves. We can help to motivate our clients by reminding them of their authentic "why".

Inspiration is what pulls us to act. It comes from within. What we really want to work at doing, is helping your client to become inspired. When your client is inspired, he or she will not require motivation. Inspiration is much more powerful, feels better, and is highly creative.

Here is a coaching conversation with a client about his "why". This client wants to become an actor:

Why do you want to become an actor?

"Because I love to be on stage."

Why do you love to be on stage?

"Because it challenges me to think on my feet."

Why is thinking on your feet important to you?

"That makes me feel alive! It makes me feel creative!"

That sounds fantastic! Is there any other reason why you want to become an actor?

"Actually, yes, I would love to be famous."

Why would you love to be famous?

"Because I would receive a lot of attention."

Why is receiving a lot of attention important to you?

"I feel energized and alive when people give me attention."

The feeling of being “alive” came up twice in this conversation. This feeling is very important to him. this is when he feels like he is expressing his authentic self. He has decided that acting is a great way to conjure up the feeling of aliveness from within, and also to incite it from without.

On this client’s journey, when things are tough, being reminded of that feeling of “aliveness” will help to motivate him to keep on going.

Of course, if a client can not come up with a “Why” that feels really authentic, really important, then you will want to go back and do some Square 2 work on figuring out what his or her Authentic Self wants to feel.

Motivational Coaching Questions

Scaling / Inquiry Questions

Excellent for uncovering how important the goal really is

Out of 10….

1. How important is it for you to make this happen?

2. How important is (fill in the blank) to you?

3. How important is it for you to make a change?

If not a 10…

1. What is keeping it from being a 10?

2. What’s keeping it from being a 1?

3. What part of this is holding you back? What’s going on for you that you're holding back on something you care so much about?

4. What are you afraid of?

5. Is the risk worth the reward?

6. What are you most passionate about?

7. What excites you?

8. Is this what you really and truly want?

9. If you were to drop any self judgment or worries about what others thought for just one moment and answer the following question….

10. What do you really want? Be completely honest. There is no judgment in this space.

11. Do you have a life purpose or mission? If so, what is it?

12. What legacy to you want to leave behind?

13. Where do you want to leave your mark in this world?

Discovery questions around fear

1. What are your fears around ______?

2. What is the worst that will happen?

3. What is the best thing that will happen?

4. Is the risk worth the reward?

5. How can you prevent that worst case scenario from happening?

6. How can you fix things if the worst-case scenario does happen?

7. What would you do if there were absolutely no obstacles (such as; what anyone thought, how much money it would cost, the time it would take to achieve etc.)?

8. If you could wave a magic wand and make ANY wish that you wanted come true…. What would it be? What would happen? How would your life change?

Enlightenment and empowerment questions

1. When you look back on your life 10 years (insert whichever number you like here) down the road… What do you want to see?

2. Imagine you are observing your very own funeral… what do you want people to say about you? What life experiences would you have wanted to have? What impact on the world would you have liked to have made?

3. When you think about looking back on your life once it’s all said and done… What matters the most to you? What is really important?

4. What are you no longer willing to put up with?

5. What will happen to your life if nothing changes in the next 5-10 years?

6. What will your life look like if you go after your goals?

7. If not now, then when? Is there ever really a “perfect” time?

8. What are you waiting for?

9. If you weren't feeling stuck, what would you do?

10. What would be one change that would make the greatest difference in your life?

Action and accountability Questions

1. What is one small step (s) that you can take towards your goal this week?

2. With awareness you have choice. What are you choosing? OR… When _______ happens…. What is the choice that you will make?

3. We’ve established ________, ________ and ____________. What are you going to do? When are you going to do it? Now let’s get specific…. What time? What day?

4. How can you keep the goal of ________ front of mind?

5. Is there some sort of visual you can use as a reminder (i.e. a picture or a note on your mirror) ?

6. How can you hold yourself accountable?

7. Can you set up an accountability buddy to check in with you?

8. What are your road blocks? Do you anticipate any challenges? What might be some of your challenges as you tackle _______ this week?

9. What will you do to keep yourself on track?

10. How will you know you are avoiding doing _______? How can you keep yourself focused?

11. What will you do to celebrate accomplishing __________?

12. What can you do to reward yourself for accomplishing __________?

When your client is feeling a lack of motivation, they actually mean that they are not feeling inspired. Remember, motivation comes from without and inspiration comes from within. A lack of inspiration is about having a mental or emotional block. As Holly touched on, your client may have some belief that is keeping them stuck, in which case you are going to go back to the Square 1 tools and figure out what is keeping them feeling stuck, and unravel that belief.

Limiting Beliefs:

You will unravel the belief by finding out is this belief true, and if it is true it has to be true for everybody on the planet, otherwise its a relative truth…a belief, such as “I am not strong enough, I am not credible enough, I don’t have enough time, etc., You are going to challenge that belief by coming up with examples of how it is not true, how the opposite could possibly be true, find other people who have overcome this same belief, sort fact from fiction.

Low Self Esteem:

If the belief is a worthiness issue, then you need to do other square one work with respect to healing. Reframe events that happened in the past that led your client to believe that there was something wrong with them. When we look back at events that happened in our past such as abuse, neglect and bullying, and do that from an adult perspective, we can see that it had nothing to do with the person who was victimized, but everything to do with the abuser. That is the person who had the problem. Hurt people hurt people. The victim took on and absorbed beliefs that do not belong to him or to her.

You can talk this through showing great compassion and empathy. Often having a compassionate ear will do the work of healing in a client.

Again, reframe by discussing new perspectives on past events.

Byron Katie’s “The Work” can also be helpful here.

If you feel that your client needs more healing work, and you feel that you are unable to help, you will want to collaborate with someone who specializes in hypnotherapy, trauma therapy, EMDR, or other healing modalities.

Low Self Confidence:

If the lack of motivation is an issue of confidence, what you need to do is create a plan in which your client is going to make commitments to him or herself, and then keep those commitments. As we keep commitments to ourselves, we start to trust ourselves more and that builds confidence. So here you want to make sure to go really really small. So small that your client could not possibly not keep the commitment. The brain doesn’t know the difference between accomplishing a large goal or accomplishing a small goal. So start really really small here and you will by-pass any kind of resistance. Keeping commitments to ourselves builds confidence in ourselves. If we keep making commitments and promised to ourselves, and then we don’t follow through, we stop trusting ourselves, and so of course we don’t have any confidence when we don’t have any trust. So keeping commitments builds trust which builds confidence.

Low Self Competence:

If it is a competency issue - for instance your client wants to accomplish a skill and feels that they can not do it, the answer is practice. Here again, what you are going to want to do if your client needs to build competency in an area in order to achieve their goal, is to set up a schedule of practice. Again, you want to start really really small to bypass resistance. You will see that momentum will build quickly and then the steps can become longer and more complex. Practice builds competency. Enough practice builds mastery.

This may be the case for you in your coaching. If you are not feeling competent enough, it is going to be about practice practice practice practice practice. Do as many practice sessions as you can.

The Saboteurs:

What about the case scenario where your client wants to get to the goal, and worse than not feeling inspired, but actually sabotages his or her efforts….or….people in your client’s life sabotage your client’s efforts? This may seem confusing or cruel, yet there is a very good reason for it.

For example, let’s say your client has a goal of getting fit and getting to a healthy body weight, and yet their partner starts or continues to bring home donuts and ice cream.

Why would a person do this to someone who they love? Because they either consciously or unconsciously have a fear of losing connection. If my partner becomes more fit, then he or she won’t find me attractive anymore.

This can be the same with any goal. If my partner goes back to school and upgrades her education, then she will be in a higher social standing, fraternizing with people in a higher social standing, and she won’t be attracted to me anymore. This is the unfortunate doing of a social system that has a hierarchy and values some people more than other people based on their work, which is absurd and ridiculous. It takes a strong inner sense of self to realize that we all have equal innate value and that every job contributes to the wellbeing of the whole and so is valuable and honourable.

We spoke about this issue in the Square One tools. Is achieving your goal worth the cost of admission? What if it threatens others egos? What if you lose people along the way? The best way to motivate others to feel inspired to change for the better is to lead by example. Encourage your client to lead by example as you yourself lead by example.

It could also be the other way around. It could be a case where the people in your client’s life are supportive, or they are ambivalent about your client’s change, but your client himself feels that “If I expand my horizons in this way then maybe my friends won’t like me anymore or maybe I won’t like them anymore”.

Loss of connection is an extremely scary thing for humans. Fear of being judged can be debilitating. At one time in our ancient past, if we were to be negatively judged or lose connection with our tribe, perhaps become exiled from our tribe, we would probably not have even survived. We still have that mechanism in our brain, that survival instinct that compels us to stay connected and compels us to want to be accepted. It is a very very strong saboteur.

The reality is, we don’t have the possibility of that happening anymore. Will people lose connections in their lives when they make themselves better? Yes. It happens all the time. That is because we all act as mirrors for one another and when someone who feels badly about herself looks at her friend who is now doing better, the reflection that she sees back to herself is one of inferiority. It’s an ego thing.

The reality is, we have ways, we have tools of connecting with other, new people and we will attract new people who are in closer resonance, and we will not die from the disconnection. Will it be emotionally painful? Yes. I don’t think that we signed up for this human experience for easy. We also didn’t sign up for this human experience to live for the approval of others and to stay small. At the end of the day, it’s a judgement call for your client. You job is to shine a light on the issue, discuss the possible worst-case scenarios together with your client and then have your client go within and feel for the right path. Often worse case scenarios never happen.

This is the phenomenon that has mystified medical doctors. When a Doctor tells a patient, “If you don’t quit smoking, you are likely going to die, or if you don’t get yourself to a healthy weight, you are likely going to become very ill.” These are extreme consequence and you would think would be very motivating, and yet statistics tell us that less than 10% of people will make the necessary change, after hearing such a dire prognosis.

This is why you being a Life Coach is so integral, because you can unpack that for your clients and we can start to change that bleak number to a much much higher number!

People do not make the change because it is a subconscious pattern that is running them. They don’t make the change because death is not imminent…right now today…and our subconscious lives in the present. Clients are willing to stay unhealthy or stay small for the fear of losing connection or being negatively judged. This point cannot be overstated.

In psychology it is called Immunity to Change or ITC. There is a great book that I highly recommend you read called “Immunity to Change: How to Overcome it and Unlock the Potential in Yourself and Your Organization”.

We have discussed the roadblocks of lack of motivation due to lack of motive or reason why, lack of inspiration because of limiting beliefs, low self esteem, low confidence, low competence and because of ITC.

Procrastination

The other issue that you will encounter in this Square is procrastination. “Oh my gosh, I have all these things that I know I want to do, yet I find myself organizing my sock drawer instead, or I find myself frozen doing nothing at all!”

The reason why we procrastinate is because a part of our brain perceives the road ahead to be too long or too difficult and that causes overwhelm.

For instance, if your client is an entrepreneur and it at the stage of having the idea, the thoughts of getting a business licence and setting up a tax account, coming up with a name, finding someone to create a logo, figuring out the logistics of space, getting a website, doing the marketing, learn how to work in the business and on the business…of course that is going to feel overwhelming and your client is going to struggle to get started. There are too many parts.

Or let’s say your client wants to lose 100lbs and you are coaching your client to get there and tell him that he is going to lose 1-2 lbs. per week, a year or two of work will feel overwhelming.

Like Holly was saying about breaking her race down into manageable bits and focusing on each section at a time, you are going to break down your client’s goal into the smallest possible, manageable steps and strategize the path on a timeline.

Have a plan laid out in small steps will calm the overwhelm and stop the procrastination.

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I highly recommend that your timeline strategy goes onto hardcopy paper. There are reasons for this:

1. We have more of a connection to our work when it involves using all of the tiny muscles and nerves in our hands and touching the paper and seeing it all come together in one place, then we would if we were to use a keyboard and digital calendar. The hard copy information can always be transcribed into the online calendar so it lives in both places. There are all sorts of excellent task apps and organizational charts that can be created online; and, I recommend going this route if your client enjoys using tech…and I still recommend a hard copy as well…

2. The even more compelling reason do create a hard copy plan is that, if the plan is only on the screen, the laptop, the iPad, the cell phone, whatever device…these devices actually teach our brains to NOT focus. All sorts of other things can pop up and divert our attention when we work on a device. Having the plan not on a device is going to help your client focus and put their undivided attention and energy towards it, and of course energy has a lot of power, and you want your client to focus their energy in the direction that they want to go.

3. The other thing is, when it is created in hard copy, it can be in your client's space and face all of the time, not be forgotten about.

When creating a plan, start with the end goal and work backwards. This strategy works incredibly well to correctly plan out the timeline and to make sure no steps are forgotten. Just keep asking the question, “for this to happen, what has to happen before?”

Pretty soon the two of you will have created a manageable to do list that is time specific and of which can easily be accounted. No more overwhelm!

Now you can take a picture of it and you have the dates so you can check in with your client to hold them accountable, or tell your client to check in with you and let you know that they have completed the task.

Accountability

When it comes to accountability, you have decided how you want to proceed that will feel right for you and for your business.

I personally do not want to create dependence on me, so I have my clients check in with me via text when they have completed a commitment. If they do not check in, I wait until our next session and together we unpack why they didn’t. This way they begin to understand their own roadblocks and one by one, clear those blocks together, setting them up for success in the future.

If you want to create some dependency, and you may if you are looking for really long-term clients, or if you want to give a lot of time and attention and hand holding, you can do that. Just know that will take a lot of time and energy on your part and you will want to charge accordingly because you won’t be able to work with many clients at once.

What you also want to be sure to do is create a system of rewards for each and every accomplishment. This may be something external like a little gift or treat. Years ago, when I teaching group fitness, I would have rubber bracelets in my pocket and give one to anyone who reported a win from the last week. It was impressive how much loyalty to my classes that created and how motivating it was to the participants. Students couldn’t wait to get to class and shout out their wins. You can create some kind of “gold star system” too! Get creative!

The reward can also be a little celebration like doing a happy dance together or a high five or a secret handshake! All of these things create a boost of dopamine, which creates inspiration and actually makes the progress feel addictive.

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You win or you learn.

When it comes to Square 3, you will notice that you will likely be sling-shooting back and forth to Square 1 tools, reframing and disbelieving the thoughts and the circumstances that present here as roadblocks. This is absolutely normal and it is great because it will help to clear the path for your client’s current project or goal, and the road blocks that you eradicate here will clear limitations in every area of your client’s life and will serve your client well for a lifetime.

Remember, this is the time when people may want to quit. The mantra here is “This is way more difficult than I thought it would be.”

Difficult is good! It builds muscle, it builds mental and emotional resiliency.

This can be a great time to have your client adopt or create an alter ego. This may be a person living or not living, a person who your client knows or knows of, or a character from a book or a movie or comic. It can be a character who your client makes up. Or perhaps it is another worldly being such as an angel, or a faery. It could be adopting an animal alter ego like a big gentle protective bear or a strong wild horse.

If you are a hypnotherapist, you may be familiar with this strategy of creating identification with an alter ego while in trance state; though it need not be done in trance.

When adopting an alter ego, you can have your client imagine what it feels like to embody - physically, emotionally, and mentally - the person, character, or being. Spend some time there and really have your client experience it. You can ask questions, such as "What would _________________ do? How would _______________ feel? What would ________________ think?"

You can have your client find a picture, create a picture, or obtain a symbol of the alter ego and keep it in their office or some space where he or she will see it often, as use it as a reminder to embody the alter ego state.

If you client is resisting adopting an alter ego, or really likes it and wants to deepen that kind of experience, you can also have your client create a CIA group a Counsel of Invisible Advisors with which to confer and gain perspectives from a number of personalities. Or you can have your client create an inner mentor who can be present all of the time or a will.

In an earlier lesson we spoke about competency and the way to gain competency is to practice. We can practice in real life, and we can also practice in our minds. You can lead this kind of practice in session with your client, and instruct them to continue the visualizations or imaginings outside of your sessions. We can pretend to be good at anything and if we pretend it enough, we can master it in our minds and in real life. The key here, yet again, boils down to belief.

Another strategy to increase competency, is to identify a skill with your client that he or she has in some area of life, and then use the imagination to transfer that skill into another area.

For example, I had a client who was having trouble focusing and staying in the moment when she was studying her school work. She was rather adamant that she did not have the ability to focus on her studies and therefor it was taking her 2-5X as long to do her studies as she felt was actually necessary, and this, of course was causing overwhelm and worry. She went so far as to say that it was in her very DNA because her mother had the same issue. I am going to step off the road we are going down with this for just a moment, and into a keyhole and then we’ll circle back.

We now know scientifically that even physical disease that we used to believe was greatly genetically influenced, actually has less than a 10% factor of influence, with the exception of macular degeneration and Crohn’s disease which currently the scientific community believes is quite high at closer to 40% factor of influence.

For my client to say that not being able to study effectively was genetic, was a powerful limiting belief that she held, so before I moved on with transferring a skill, I was compelled to convince her about the power of her mind and the power of her words. What she was experiencing as a genetic behaviour was actually caused through epigenetics, which is about the cell’s and the mind's surrounding influences - their environment.

As humans, our only innate behavioural instincts are 1) startling to loud noises and 2) flailing while falling. All other behaviours are either learned consciously or unconsciously through mirror neurons or through environment - epigenetics. This is really exciting news because we can use epigenetics by creating an environment to positively influence cells and states of being, replacing any effect of epigenetics that happened through negative influence.

Okay so back on the main road. I asked my client what area of life she was able to focus, that she enjoyed perhaps, or when she lost track of time because she was so involved in the present. She said that she felt that way when she was working out; so, she then realized that she indeed already possessed the ability to focus. With that awareness, she could begin to recreate the mind state that she created when working out and transfer it - apply it - to when she was studying.

When your client is struggling in Square 3, it is not failure ever. It is feedback to let us know to let go of some limiting beliefs and perhaps to tweak the dream a little, try new strategies. Maybe even create an entirely new dream!

It is good to remember that sometimes, quitting is the best option. Quitting is definitely the best option if the goal is in opposition to your client’s authentic self.

This can be a hard truth to face, especially if your client is already heavily invested, or if facing the truth of it is going to cause a lot of upheaval, but quitting may just be the most courageous and ultimately, the most helpful move.

What I have noticed is true for every client, for every person, is that our authentic selves always crave increased health, increased personal development, expansion of experience, creativity in some way, and there are endless ways to be creative - creativity is not just about the arts - it is also about the way we think, the way we communicate, the way we show our love and our kindness and our compassion, and the way we navigate life. So, we never want to encourage our clients to quit or give up in any of these areas.

This a great time to remember to “Live it to give it”. That is the most effective form of motivation.

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Gratitude and Appreciation

Welcome to Square 4!

Transcript:

In my experience, not many people seek out coaching when they are in Square 4, because this is when everything is going well. That is not to say that is doesn’t happen and I will give you the tools to use if and when it does happen.

You will however, often have clients who you work with through the other Squares and then you get the sweet honour of walking beside your client into Square 4, when they have achieved their goals, and everything is working well. This is the bitter-sweet time when you may want to set them free, leaving the door open for future tune ups and for when Squared 1 inevitable rolls around again in some area of their life.

Some clients will not want to leave coaching and you will have some options here. You can refer them on to a different type of coach, such as a spiritual coach, you can switch gears and do Square 4 coaching yourself creating generative change, or you can explore other areas of your client’s life that could possibly use coaching.

When a client is Square 4, you will want to encourage small decisions. Square 1 is moving slowly, making only small decisions, healing in the cocoon, Square 2 is dreaming big, Square 3 is taking small steps in the real world ultimately creating big change, and Square 4 is back to small changes. Don’t fix what isn’t broken.

People may experience a sense of boredom, a sense of “what’s next?”, a sense of “what is this all of this about anyway?”. Some people are addicted to drama and feel compelled to create it and will spur on a catalytic event, pushing them into Square 1, and this is what you will want to help your client avoid doing.

As humans, we tend to experience a blurring effect when we achieve what we want, and forget about all of the hard work it took to get there, and stop appreciating our achievements and acquisitions after awhile. Unfortunately, this happens even with relationships.

Remember, it is a brain function to solve problems and to search for possible threats, so we are more apt to be on the lookout for negatives than to spend time appreciating the positives.

The work here is to appreciate and have gratitude. It is to create a sense of wonder about the miracles of everyday life. It is to live in peace and joy and love. Because of the tendencies of our brains, it is important that gratitude and appreciation are active practices, and not to assume that your client will automatically be grateful for and appreciate their achievements and accomplishments.

For me, gratitude and appreciation are very similar, yet there is a subtle energetic feeling difference. I am grateful for my life, I am grateful for my health, I am grateful that I was blessed with a daughter. I am not exactly grateful for having excellent quality skin care, though I very much appreciate it. I appreciate the kindness of others, I appreciate that I have a beautiful luxury vehicle…I am grateful that I have a vehicle at all.

Here are some tools of how to actively practice gratitude and appreciation:

• Have a gratitude/appreciation journal. Have your client take a few minutes at the end of each day and contemplate a few things for which they can appreciate and feel gratitude towards. This is not to be a rote exercise, but to do it with genuine feeling. It is not the action of the exercise, but the feeling that will put your client into a state of peace and joy. This is a practice than can absolutely last a lifetime because there are infinite things for which we can be grateful and for which we can have appreciation.

• Practice daily gratitude and appreciation with meditation or prayer. The same goes with this exercise - it is about the feeling, not the action.

• Play the "things I like" game. Have your client notice “things I like” every time your client switches focus, goes into a new room or goes into any new environment. I love to do this one often, especially if I notice myself feeling a little down or a little stressed. Here is an example of how it can play out and you will understand why it works. In a normal day, I might be in my office and look around and think “I want to organize that pile of stuff over there”, and then I will take a break to go out for coffee and pass my plants the live on the landing and think “I want to get a new plant stand…I don’t really love that one”, and then go to grab a coat and think “Wow it’s really cold outside and I can’t wait until summer when I don’t need to bundle up”, and then open the door to my garage and think “I need to make a trip to recycle and get rid of those boxes”, and so on.

On a day when I am consciously practicing the “things I like” game, my inner monologue will sound like this during the 5 minutes of the same scenario, “I have such a busy practice that I will never run out of things to do which is fantastic!”, and then I will pass the plants and think, “What an incredible shade of green they are. Thank you plants for making my space beautiful and healthy. How amazing that I can be surrounded by tropical plants when I live in the prairies!”, and then, “How fortunate am I that I have 2 warm coats to wear and I get to choose which one to wear today and they are both really gorgeous coats! I like that there are such talented designers in the world!”, and then I will see the boxes in my garage and think, “I really like that someone created Hello Fresh and I have wonderful ingredients and recipes delivered to my front door every week! How miraculous it that?” You can easily understand how this practice will be life altering! That was just 5 minutes of my day. Imagine doing that all day long for a few days. Your client’s inner state will be completely transformed.

• Create a practice of giving and sharing. Things are going so well in your client’s life now that he or she has and abundance of something to share. That might be money, goods, knowledge, experience, time, or skills. Have your client create a specific schedule to give and to share, whether that is donating to a cause each month, volunteering somewhere once a week, sending an email, or better yet an actual card in the mail, to someone who they can express appreciation towards and make this a practice to do every Monday morning. The ideas here can be endless. The point it that this practice will give your client a real sense of contribution and purpose. The happy side effect is that life can’t happen in a vacuum, so your client will soon experience the phenomenon of giving and then life rushes in to give back and that happens in spades.

If you have any other ideas about gratitude and appreciation practices, I would LOVE to hear them! Please share on the discussion board for the benefit of all.

Yaron Etzion on Spiritual Coaching.

Yaron has generously gifted us a PDF copy of his book "Awakening". You can download it below.

If you want to connect or learn more about Yaron, please Google Yaron Etzion for more info and his website.

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The Client Consultation

The client consultation is your opportunity to create rapport. Your client wants to feel heard, understood and important. You will meet people who have never experienced anyone ever truly listening to them. You creating that space is incredibly powerful.

I recommend that you make it easy for people to schedule a consultation with you by having an online scheduling system and by having a link to that system up front and centre on all of the marketing avenues that you use - your website, Facebook, Google My Business, Yelp, and whatever else you choose to use. Ease of scheduling with you is extremely important in this face paced digital environment in which we live.

Popular Online Scheduling Systems:

Acuity is a Squarespace system and may be a great option for you if you have a Squarespace website; though, that is not necessary. You can use Acuity and easily integrate a scheduling button into any website, regardless of what platform you use.

Simply Book is one of the most cost-effective scheduling systems and works modularly so you can add features (for an additional cost) as you see fit.

WIX has a scheduling system that may be a great option for you, especially if you have a WIX website.

Consult Content:

I offer free 30-minute consultations. I used to do 60 minutes and found that was too much for me. You can start with whatever feels right for you and remember you can always change your Modus Operandi as you go along. Just start!

I usually only ask one question in my consultations, and that is “What brings you here today?” (if in person), or, “What prompted you to reach out to me?” if via phone or Zoom.

That way the client will get right to the point of the issue, and talking about their issue will take up most of the 30 minutes.

If you begin with “How can I help you? or "What do you need?”, you are effectively putting your expertise in your clients hands. You are the ones who knows how to help and knows what tools your client needs to use. What you need to know is their issue.

Once you hear their issue, you will know what Square they are in, and from there, you can say, “I will help you get unstuck", or "I will help you gain new perspectives" (Square 1), "I will help you gain clarity on that." (Square 2), or "I will help you strategize and move forward.” (Square 3)

Then you can go directly into how to work with you:

"You are absolutely welcome to go online and schedule your first session for a time that is convenient for you and we can work session by session; or you may prefer to go with a package of 6 sessions or 12 sessions because that will be your best value. That’s completely up to you. And I can look to see what’s available right now and get you scheduled in if you like."

"Do you have any questions for me before we wrap up?"

If pricing comes up, and it generally does not with me because my pricing is very clear on my website and on my booking site because that feels right for me. Not every coach likes to have their prices displayed. If that is you, you will likely be asked about pricing. We are going to discuss pricing more in an upcoming lesson. The most important thing here is to feel good about your pricing and to state your pricing no differently than if you were stating “My fee is a jar of pickles”. Don’t get weird about the money and don’t change your energy because your client will feel that and it will feel icky. Keep your voice at the same cadence, and the same volume. State your fee…"My fee for 12 sessions is $2927"…or whatever it is…and then be quiet. Don’t start talking about value and bonuses and such because that will come across as desperate and desperate energy is repulsive.

Common Coaching Sales Techniques:

How important is it for you to achieve this goal from 0-10?

How motivated are you to achieve this goal from 0-10?

If the answer is not a 10 - Why is it not a 10? What would need to happen to make it a 10?

Just imagine for a moment that you do not achieve this goal. What would your life look like 1 year, 5 years and 10 years from now? (intensifying pain)

Just imagine for a moment that you achieve this goal. What would your life look like 1 year, 5 years, and 10 years from now? (intensifying pleasure)

Assumptive Language Technique Examples:

During our time together we will…

When we work on this together…

It is clear that you are highly motivated to accomplish this. Once we put the right tools in place, there will be no limit to what you achieve. I’m super excited and honoured to be part of your journey.

Once we do the exercises to reveal your authentic self, we will strategize and implement ways to get you where you truly want to be.

I highly recommend a package that also includes a therapy session. That way, together we can more quickly release your blocks and get you to your goal faster during the coaching element of the package. (If you are also a therapist of some kind.)

When I do a consultation, I always feel that it is more of a first session and I always assume that the client is eager to work with me. I believe bringing this kind of energy to the consult is infectious and gets the client eager to work together too.

Listen to Your Intuition

There may be times when your gut screams out to you to NOT work with a client. Always, always, always follow your intuition on this. This has only happened a handful of times with me; so, it does not happen often. I can tell you that I have ignored my intuition on this in the past, just for the sake of money, or telling myself that my gut was being silly and that I really wanted to support the client; and, each time I lived to regret it. We will talk more about this during the “Setting Boundaries” section.

The most common questions that people bring to a consultation:

How does the hypnotherapy/coaching work?

How long are the sessions?

Do you really think you can help me?

Prospective clients typically bring surprisingly few questions to the consultation. I believe they are more looking for a connection and to feel safe with us.

Common beginning Coach fear:

Many colleagues have expressed fear of not having enough education or the “right” type of certification. I can tell you that in 14 years, only ONE person has even brought up the subject of education, and he actually said, “I don’t care about the certificates on your wall. I want to know what kind of life experience you’ve had that lets me know that I should listen to a word you say.”

The only exception to that is when I was specializing in Relationship Coaching. Every so often, one person in the couple would be skeptical and resistant, so sometimes the question, “What qualifies you as a relationship expert?” would arise, and generally in a very assertive manner. This is always a fantastic way to start because you get to quickly prove who you are; and, who you are is confident, grounded, knowledgeable, and helpful. A great response to this is, “I am so happy that you are skeptical of me and of the process. That really tells me that you are highly protective of this relationship, your own well-being, and obviously have a high degree of intelligence. All of those attributes are going to makes this process much easier. So, let me tell you a bit about me and about my background…”

Practice your consultation and your tools over and over again with whomever you can. You will soon discover that you know more than you realize, that your life experience is going to play huge in this arena, and that the tools work.

It is neither your work nor your responsibility to fix anybody. You are to be an expert of the tools, to be a help and a support, to stay strong and resilient, and to hold sacred space for your clients. It is your clients' work and responsibility to engage in the process and to fix their own lives while leaning on you for support and guidance.

Recommended homework:

Practice some consultations with a partner using real or mock issues and goals. (Please do not bring anything too emotionally heavy to the table at this point.) Be sure to include practicing sharing your "fee" or "pricing" (some professionals prefer to call it the "investment").

Please scroll down to the bottom of this page to learn more about Savo Kosic.

Savo Kosic is a real life King Midas - everything he touches turns to gold! The secret to Savo's success is that he goes into whatever he does with having studied with the best, and practiced the tools with intention, dedication and focus. He is a former MMA World Champion, an uber successful entrepreneur, fellow therapist, healer and NLP licensed trainer. He is also one of THE world's experts in sales.

Please enjoy the fruits of Savo's labours with this video training that he created exclusively for us.

To learn more about info about his work and website, please Google Clinical Hypnotherapy Center by Savo Kosic

Please scroll all of the way down to the bottom of the page to read the transcript of this video and to download your PDF of Coaching Questions.

In this lesson I am including a list of a whole bunch of coaching questions. This will be valuable to you because communication is the master tool that we use to make every other tool work.

Of course, communication is not just about speaking and asking questions, it is also about listening carefully and without judgement. We want to be listening twice as much as we are speaking. We have two ears and one mouth for a reason.

When it comes to asking questions, we want to be sure that we are not using leading questions…not questioning in a way that would have our clients feel that we are looking for as specific answer or that there is a correct answer and an incorrect answer. Leading questions imply judgement.

An example of leading question would be:

“How did you like the exercise last week?” That sounds fairly benign, yet it is implying that the client liked the exercise. You will want to word that something like, “How did you feel about the exercise last week?”

I know some of you taking this course are in nursing, and you will be familiar with this communication technique. You would not ask a patient, “Does that hurt?” You would ask, “How does that feel on a scale of 0-5, 0 being fine and 5 being extremely painful?”

Asking questions using a scale for the answer can be highly effective.

We also want to be aware of judgement when commenting on a client’s experience. This is a talent that I am still practicing and still find myself making mistakes now and again. For example, just very recently, I was working with a new client and we were on our third session. She hadn’t booked in a few weeks and I asked her what she had been doing. She said that she had been busy with the sale of her home. She told me that she and her husband had the house on the market for over a year and they just closed the sale a few days prior. I said, “Congratulations!” And she started crying. She went on to say that she didn’t want to sell the house, how precious it was to her, how many good memories she had, it felt like the end of a good era, they lost money on the sale and it was a really difficult time. I felt terrible and apologized. We spent the rest of the session working through her feelings and beliefs that were causing her suffering and it ended up a good session, and at the same time you can see how it was inappropriate to say “congratulations” because that was me making a judgement that the sale was a good thing. It would have been much more appropriate to ask, “How are feeling about the sale of the house?”

The attached questions are ones that you can use throughout your coaching, and you may want to choose some to include in a pre-coaching questionnaire. I used to do this and found it quite helpful because it can give you a deeper understanding of your client and prepare you before you even begin. This questionnaire will likely change as you change and grow in your business, especially if you decide upon a coaching niche, which we look at in another lesson soon. The reason why I no longer use a pre-coaching questionnaire is that I know that the heart of the coaching quite often ends up being about something quite different than how it began. I now have a deep faith that what needs to come up will come up and that I can unequivocally trust my own instincts in each and every session.

That said, it IS important to start off each session asking, “Do you have a specific topic that you would like to explore today?” or, “Do you have a specific outcome that you would like to achieve today?” The reason why this is important is that it can be too easy to get sidetracked and then leave the client feeling frustrated. I have made this mistake more than once. It is too easy to ask, “How are you?” Or “How did it go with your exercises last week?” And then spend too much time there, then your timer goes off and your clients says, “So I wanted to ask you about this, or I am having a struggle with that and I want you help with it” but now the session is almost over.

The one question that I always ask at the beginning of a coaching relationship is “Are you religious and/or spiritual, agnostic or atheist?” The reason why I ask this question is so I can use the master tool of communication with words that will resonate and align with my client. I will know if I am to use or not use the words God, Jesus, Allah, Buddha, Gaia, Creator, Divine Intelligence, Goddess, Universal Energy, and so on. This question will be up to you to ask if you want or not, based on with whom you are working.

It is important that you ask enough questions to understand the language of your clients so that you can relate to them on their own level.

Please download your PDF of Coaching Questions below:

Please scroll all of the way down to the end of this page to read the notes & download the PDF.  Boundaries are integral for self-love, self-protection, and healthy relationships.

• We have boundaries to respect ourselves and others.

• Boundaries show others how to treat us. Other people may need to be taught where our boundaries are. They can’t always tell.

• We drop the mental stories that tell us we can’t have them or find them.

• We communicate our boundaries clearly, cleanly, and without excuses, justifications, or drama.

• We remember that “no” is a complete sentence and often all we need.

• We use the principles of non-violent communication when there is a higher level of complexity and/or intimacy involved in the relationship.

• We give ourselves and other people lots of space to learn which can mean awkwardness, mistakes, and false starts.

• We bring our sense of humour to situations wherever we possibly can.

Boundary issues to decide about with respect to your business:

Prices - firm, negotiable, sliding scale, friends and family discount (or at all)?

Hours - hours of operation

Session time - set a timer, giving 7-10 minutes to wrap up before the end of your session

Language

Sexual Innuendo

Cancellations

Lateness

Homework

Clients with personal boundary issues may present as:

Superior - Over developed ego - Stubbornness

Inferior - Under developed ego - People pleasing

Always use non-judgmental questions with clients, such as, "Is this way of approaching this issue helpful? Is it serving you and the situation?"

Avoid using should, shouldn't, good, bad, right, wrong. These are all judgmental words.

Non-Violent Communication

O = Observe. This is what I observe. (We agreed to meet at 6:00 and now it’s 6:30.)

F = Feelings. This is how I feel. (I am disappointed that we have to rush to make it to the movie.)

N = Need. This is what I need. (I need to know that you are going to respect our agreements.)

R = Request. This is what I request. (Please call me if you know you’re going to be late.)

Recommended Homework:

Make a list of your boundaries and options for how you may deal with people who want to push them or ask you to change them.

Ask a friend or colleague to brainstorm on possible boundary issues and discuss how to deal with them.

Ask a colleague to come up with some mock issues that a client may present, and practice asking non-judgmental questions. Practice coming up with Non-Violent Communication statements.