Managing Your Self: Key to Effective Leadership

In this segment we look at what can happen if we allow ourselves to react without thinking when mistakes are made.  We use an example from home life that is exaggerated for effect, but in essence is all too realistic.

This segment begins to explore how ineffective, self-sabotaging reactions can occur in the heat of the moment. 

Here we address one of the critical steps in self-management - establishing a clear sense of purpose to guide us in our role as leaders.

In this segment we introduce the first skill of reaction-management - situation processing - and we apply 'the seven silent questions' of situation processing to the milk spill story.   

While we usually avoid fault-finding, blame and criticism, now you're asked to decide who you think is primarily responsible for the milk spill: Dad or daughter? You be the judge.

Here we offer our definition of the word effective as "the ability to cause a desired effect." In this case by consciously choosing how best to respond, instead of just reacting.

Now we take a first look at The Victim Game - a destructive life game that is played when we attack the person instead of the problem when mistakes are made and things go wrong. This enables the problem to repeat, again and again, as we waste the opportunity to improve by indulging in fault-finding, blame and criticism.

In this segment we examine the 'fight or flight' mechanism that protects us from harm - but also gets us into trouble when we react without thinking. Then we look at how we can learn to "catch our selves in the act" of reacting so we can interrupt the process and give ourselves an opportunity to think before responding.

Now you're asked to think carefully about the physical signals you experience when things go wrong and you begin to react. By identifying your warning signals you are better able to catch your self reacting, and take control.

The relaxation response is the antidote to negative and angry reactions. Even a few seconds of invisible deep breathing drives enough oxygen to the brain to enable us to think instead of just reacting.

Here we introduce a short form of the practice of situation processing. In daily life there often isn't time, or the necessity, to process a situation thoroughly. When you need a quick response thinking of just three words -- stop, think and choose - can help you maintain self-control and respond effectively. Even just saying the word "choose," silently or vocally can help tremendously.

Typically without knowing it most of us have developed a 'persona,' a way of thinking and acting that tells others what kind of person we are, and what kind of behavior they can expect from us. We may become known as peacemakers, positive thinkers, or grumpy critics, for example. But as leaders we need to drop any artificial 'one size fits all' roles, so we can respond effectively in different situations. For example, the 'know it all boss' needs to drop that persona, and act as an empathic and active listener when a team member discloses a troubling personal issue.

There are so many things we plan to do, or would like to do, that our highest priority intentions can get lost along the way. One solution is to set goals for personal improvement. Setting goals can help us maintain focus, and can remind us of specific actions we need to take. For example, if you set a goal of managing your reactions more effectively when mistakes are made, you could start by using the practice of deep breathing. This tangible act of self-management is measurable and by tracking your progress - for example, logging the number of times in a week that you needed to approach team members who made an error, and the number of times you used deep breathing and forethought before approaching - you are much more likely to achieve your goal.

In this segment we focus on the practice of taking responsibility when team members make mistakes, by stressing the idea that "if the student hasn't learned, the teacher hasn't taught." The aim is to replace the usual responses (reacting with blame and criticism), with collegial and helpful approaches that don't provoke defensive responses.

Now we examine some of the coping methods (developed in childhood) that we may still use to deal with blame and criticism as adults. We also look at the damage caused by fault-finding, blame and criticism and why these behaviors are so destructive.

Here we explore the many forms of criticism -- from outright blame and hostility to gentle, nurturing approaches that can do equal harm even when we have the best intentions. We also examine why criticism provokes defensiveness, and specific steps we can take to correct more effectively.

In this lecture we look at how anger triggers fight or flight responses in team members - and distracts everyone from our real purpose: To solve the actual problem, and plan steps to ensure it doesn't recur.

Here we look at the emotions that underlie our angry reactions. We need to train our selves to get in touch with those deeper feelings, in the heat of the moment, so we can defuse our own anger, and approach more effectively.

Now we look at extreme angry behavior in the form of road rage. This gives us an opportunity to think about the implications of blame and anger from another point of view. As we know road rage on the highway can be deadly.  What we need to know is that in terms of team member engagement, focus and performance, it can be deadly at work as well - even when it isn't belligerent. The aim is to enable ourselves - through deeper insight - to avoid hostility entirely when dealing with team members' errors. 

Here we explore several tips on how to deal effectively with a team member who is sharing their anger with you.

Now we summarize our exploration of anger with seven tips you can refer to that may help you plan more effective responses when mistakes are (inevitably) made, and when things go wrong.

'False parenting' is our way of describing one of the most common - and destructive - behaviors among managers. This means unconsciously donning a mantle of superiority over our team members, and treating them in some ways as adult children. This happens (unintentionally, of course) when we lecture and scold; when we blame and shame (particularly in public); when we dictate instead of consult - and, basically, when we demean and show disrespect in any way. Our goal is to identify and eliminate such unhealthy parenting behaviors - in order to maintain collegiality - and keep our team members working enthusiastically with us.

In this section we explore ways to coach and delegate that produce the outcomes you want and need. The basic idea is to use a bit of micro-managing at the beginning in order to 'set people up to succeed.' Specifically, you are encouraged to avoid 'Hit and Run Coaching' and 'Drive-by Delegation,' the twin toxins that too often interfere with success.

In order to learn any new task, we progress through four distinct stages. Unless you're aware of these steps, and are careful to allow for them, you may have to repeat the instruction. With this awareness you can ensure that new work is done correctly the first time.

Many people are auditory learners. Most of us are visual learners. And all of us learn by doing. Knowing the key ways in which we learn helps us to instruct more effectively - once again, ensuring that work is done correctly, while reducing the potential frustration and conflict that occurs when things are not done correctly.

Now we turn to effective delegation, with steps to success and tips and techniques that will ensure that your delegate gets all the information they need to succeed. The key is to spend ample time brainstorming the things that could go wrong, and developing contingency plans - as well as providing all the information your delegate may need in order to reach you, or alternative sources of help, if you are unavailable. Once again, this micro-managing at the start will help ensure that you get the result you need in the end. Our mantra: "No more drive-by delegation!"

In this section we explore the thinking and the skills needed to be truly effective in hearing others. We'll examine the foundation skills of active listening, then we'll talk about empathy and how to apply it, all with the aim of helping you develop stronger relationships with your team members - earning you the 'real' teamwork you need to achieve your leadership goals.

Now we go on to explore how asking key questions can demonstrate that you're listening carefully, while helping you understand more clearly what the other person is saying - without being perceived as interrogating.

In this lecture you will discover a little known fact that can dramatically affect your ability to really hear the person you're speaking with - and ensure that they hear you.

Now we'll look at the dynamics of speaking effectively. You'll learn that the simple technique of using 'I' and "We" language - and avoiding 'You' language - can ensure that the other person feels respected and heard, and isn't triggered into a defensive response as you try to get to the bottom of the problem either one or both of you want to resolve.

In this segment we introduce the skills of assertiveness - emphasizing that genuine assertiveness means not just trying to get our own needs met, but respecting and addressing the needs of the other person as well. The reciprocity in this approach can deepen relationships and produce greater teamwork.

Now we'll turn to the four distinct but often overlapping assertiveness styles - and invite you to complete an assertiveness styles self-assessment. Enjoy.

In this segment we briefly explore the role of assertive messaging in effective interpersonal communication.

In this lecture you will gain insight and skill in forming messages that keep people with you, instead of pushing them away, when you need them to change their behavior or cooperate with you in some special way. Our mantra: "Real power is not power 'over' others, it's power 'with' others." 

In this section we explore the scope of the diversity challenge, as workplaces, and leaders, learn to welcome and accommodate employees who are more and more diverse. Historically, working with diversity meant providing access for the differently-abled; making an effort to provide equality of opportunity and compensation for women, and working with people of different ethnicities, languages and personalities. Today diversity encompasses gender differences; generational diversity, and much more. Our aim is to help you gain insight into the challenge, and the opportunity, so that you are better able to work more effectively with team members who are different in any number of ways.

A universal aspect of diversity lies in the differences in our personalities, or personal behavioral styles. In this segment we invite you to complete our brief (but remarkably accurate) Personal Colors self-assessment. The goal is not to help you pigeon-hole or stereotype yourself or others, it's to give you greater insight into how we are all different, and how valuable it is to work with people who think and act differently so that we earn the benefit of their diverse views. Enjoy.

Now we'll explore ways to help ensure that you're able to work effectively with people who are different in any number of ways, as well as how to leverage differences among your team members. 

In this section we explore the topic of commitment management - the way we make and follow-through on our own commitments, and the way we request, qualify and follow through on commitments made by team members. The idea is to virtually eliminate 'casual' commitments, or commitments lightly made and easily forgotten - so we can be trusted to do what we say we're going to do - and so we can trust others to do the same.

Chef Pierre's story is the story of a leader frustrated by the repeated failure of a key person to follow-through on their repeated commitment to complete a vitally important task. Faced with a choice of letting Pierre go, or qualifying and micro-managing his commitment, the leader chooses to try the micro-management approach - despite his hatred for the very thought of doing so. Tune in to learn the dramatic outcome.

In this segment we'll review commitment management tips and techniques - ideas to help you build a climate of greater trust within your team - leading to reduced stress and conflict, and improved personal and team performance. We also invite you to complete a commitment management self-assessment, a key starting point for a new approach to building self-trust as well as the deeper trust of your team members.

In this section we explore the topic of conflict, with our main focus on conflict prevention. You will learn 'The 3-P Approach' to preventing conflict: 'Predict. Pro-act. Prevent.' You will also discover that much of the conflict that bogs us down can be prevented through effective self-management - managing your reactions when mistakes are made, for example, and when there are sharp differences of opinion between you and a team member,  or between team members. The goal is to reduce the distraction that comes with destructive conflict - and keep yourself and your team focused on performance. Be sure to complete the self-assessment on identifying your conflict style.

Now let's turn to common causes of preventable conflict. You may be surprised to learn that many conflicts are started by something as small as misinterpreting someone's non-verbal language - such as an 'eye roll' when you're speaking at a meeting. You will learn the value of inquiring about the other person's actual intention, right at the earliest stage of potential conflict, so you can 'catch snowflakes' before things snowball into full-blown conflict.

In this segment we discuss the difference between 'toxic stress' and 'athletic stress.' Toxic stress, the kind that comes from trying to deal with problems that go unsolved and repeat again and again - destroys personal motivation and team performance, while athletic stress - the kind of stress that comes from confronting and solving fresh, new problems, actually invigorates us; makes us more cohesive as a team, and enables us to feel that we can solve any challenge.

In this segment we look at strategies for solving those seemingly unsolvable problems that interfere with your progress. We encourage you to take radical action - forming SWAT teams; holding post-mortems (and 'pre-mortems') and other strategies you may not have considered. Our aim is to inspire you to take decisive action - now.

Now we turn to ways you can intervene effectively (or escalate, or refer out to professional sources of help), when team members are in potential or full-blown conflict.

It's a wrap!  Thank you and let's stay in touch.