Understand and lower your anxiety, fear and stress.

Safe containers

In therapy, we talk about creating safe containers to do work in with our clients. What that means is that we want to create a safe space for people to talk about and feel, whatever it is they are exploring. That space needs limits though. It needs to be contained because sometimes the emotions in storage can start to pour out given an invitation. So, part of a good safe session is an ending. A time when any strong feelings that may have come up, are told to go back into storage until next time.

What does this mean for you? This means that I want you to know that it's up to you how much you open up the door to your emotional storage facility, and it's up to you when you close that door again. I invite you to give yourself permission to pause. Close that window/tab. And then come back to it when you are ready.

In saying that; stay courageous, and continue the momentum you have begun by enrolling into this course.

Assignment: 

Consider the ways that you already have to help you with anxiety and stress. Maybe ignoring it, maybe avoiding certain activities or conversations. Maybe you remind yourself of certain things, truths, or people. Maybe some of these are helpful and maybe some not so much.

Make Helpful and Unhelpful headings and put all those things into those two categories. This gives you a nice list of useful strategies to have up your sleeve and we will add to this over the course of the course.

I have made a google slides you can open, and download with these headings already set up for you. Find it in the resources folder.

About Lesson

This is just a very quick overview as I’m sure you already know plenty about it, but mainly want to know what to do about it!

If I’m wrong and you want more information at this intersection please reach out and I can put more information here to help support your journey! 

Anxiety is a very natural body-centric experience that affects everybody really differently. It should serve to warn us about dangerous things, but sometimes it gets carried away and that’s why we are here. 

Anxiety and depression often go together and they are both very normal human experiences. Normal, but perhaps not compulsory, and certainly not pleasant.

Gut health and brain

Anxiety has a direct inter-relationship with our gut health and our brain. 

How healthy our gut is affects our blood chemistry and neurotransmitters meaning it changes how we feel directly.

How we talk to ourselves, also changes our blood chemistry and affects the effectiveness of our gut. 

AND, how we eat affects the way our gut deals with food and that affects our neurotransmitters which triggers thoughts and feelings. 

Why This Model?

• Anxiety, stress, and depression are often oversimplified or misunderstood.

• This model provides a “map of the territory,” breaking anxiety into manageable parts.

• It helps you tackle anxiety in bite-sized, practical steps.

The Beach Model

• Inspired by the dynamics of surfing and swimming at a beach with waves.

• Like navigating a beach, managing anxiety requires different strategies for different situations.

  
  

Let’s take a moment to reflect on your reason for being here. This will help you focus in on what you want out of this.

I’ve had a couple of rough days in the water. I remember one of them. It wasn’t that big, but I got caught in no man’s land a couple of times. That zone where you have a big heavy wave coming at you when you are paddling out. You are not close enough to duck dive it, but not far enough away that the wave will have broken and settled. The wave broke just in front of me, and I tried to duck dive but got washing machined. I tried to paddle up frantically to find the surface and find some air but my hands only found sand. I’d panicked and paddled down, and not I’d used my oxygen and was at the bottom. I made it back up with my lungs demanding I give them air. It was scary.

The thing with this is though, that the main problem wasn’t the wave and the tumbling underwater. It was my panic. If I’d simply let myself get rag-dolled a bit, I could have conserved my energy/oxygen and then let myself drift to the surface. I float with a wetsuit on, and if that wasn’t quick enough, I can just grab my leash and pull myself up to my surfboard. I definitely float with my board.

This guy is here to remind us that, just like in a real rip or a big set of life challenges, when we get dragged into big feelings, we will survive!

We have the tools. We wrote them down at the start. We have a bunch of things that keep us afloat. Sometimes we just need to relax into the process and lean on them.

The moral of the story is don’t panic!

In our worst panic, we completely misinterpret our safety. Panic attacks can feel like we are going to die. But, you cannot die of a panic attack. Nothing bad will actually happen to you. You are just overloaded and now due to that deep rapid breathing, you have too much oxygen and feel strange. Your body will look after you through and help you to slow down and breathe easy again.

In real life, if you get caught in a surf rip, you get dragged out to sea. But that doesn’t hurt you. It just means you have some work to do. You can get back in after, but it’s bit of a paddle around. To beat a rip, you go sideways, not in. With big fears/triggers/ptsd this can be the same. Sometimes we have to ride rip, then recover.

The Beach as a Safe Place

• Imagine standing on a sunny beach, feeling peaceful and free from anxiety.

• Safety comes when physical, emotional, and relational needs are met.

Why Safety Isn’t Enough

• Living fully means learning to navigate waves of discomfort—paddling, swimming, and even surfing big emotions.

• Fear expands to fill the space we allow it, but we can push back to create a freer, more vibrant life.

Reflection: Define Your Safe Shore

What does safe on the shore look like for you?

List a few:

• feelings

• needs met

• thoughts

• locations

• people

• sensations/sounds

Any experienced swimmer or surfer knows that if you get dragged out in the rip you can wait it out then just paddle sideways and back in. It’s not fun. It’s a bit tiring, but it’s safe, and doable. 

After getting dragged out by anxiety, we can drag our mind, body, and feelings back in line with a couple of key strategies also. 

One of the paddles back in is by realising that many of our feelings come from our memories. By being able to hold onto the belief that some of our feelings are from yesteryear we can start to recover and reduce feelings of anxiety.

Our feelings lie by being so immediate. So right now! Our memory’s origins become vague but the feelings often stay. They are great time travellers.

This may mean a smell, experience, song, or a person’s words/actions can trigger us to feel a way that isn’t actually at all connected to the current point in time.

Have you ever listened to a song from your teenage years, and you get all those feelings flooding back from it? Do those feelings relate to your current reality? No, probably not! But seeing as you know the connection, it’s not confusing or painful. However, when you get a feeling of dread or stress and you don’t have a clear connection to the past, we confuse that with the present and we can think something bad is about to happen! Does this feeling of dread belong in the present?? Perhaps no! Not at all.

I remember my first day as a school counsellor. I walked into the school grounds with all of these students running around. I felt scared, my chest was tight, my breathing shallowed. I was triggered. I took a deep breath, slowed my walking pace and asked myself what this was about. My feelings were time travelling. Telling me I was back at school as a 14yr old. Joel at 14 at school was the victim of bullying. Consistent bullying. Every day. This trauma is in my body and hard to forget. BUT, that was then, and this is now. I paddled in my mind towards this comforting truth. Joel right now is much larger than these people. I need not fear for my safety like I used to. I’m not in physical danger. That’s an old feeling. In fact, now that I really notice. They actually look friendly, or just completely distracted with their own lives. There are no threats here!

A powerful thing to do it is to connect those feelings back to what they belong to.

“Hey, feeling of rejection, you come from my childhood school experience, this is nothing to do with my conversation with my partner”. “This is different because…”

To do:
Write your own list of reasons why some of your ‘echoes from the past’ don’t belong here anymore. Hold on to these for when you need them.

Understanding the Rip

• Rips are the calm-looking but dangerous currents at the beach that pull you out to sea.

• Surfers use rips to save effort, but they can be terrifying if you’re unprepared—just like facing subconscious fears.

The Invisible Rips in Our Psyche

1. Past Trauma

   • Our body remembers past events (e.g., a car accident), creating lingering fears.

2. Echoes from the Past

   • Current events trigger feelings tied to past experiences, like smells or tones.

3. Unbearable Feelings

   • Subconscious vows to avoid certain emotions can create dread when they resurface.

4. Toxic Welds

   • Misassociations that link unrelated ideas (e.g., being a passenger = pain).

The Good News

• These feelings, though real, don’t belong in the present—they’re ghosts of the past.

• Over time, we can “shoo” them away by creating new brain pathways through neuroplasticity.

Next Steps on the Rip:

Let’s start by noticing and naming what’s going on here.

These are the big things that having a counsellor is really helpful for but we can prepare for that work but understanding how these things are active in our lives.

Our activity here will be to put some names to some of these things.
I have some reference documents that will help you to do this.

Feelings pass. Like a set of waves in the ocean, they pass. You don't try to stop a wave in the ocean. You just ride it out. Give yourself a moment. Stay calm. Rise back up as it passes. You have got this.

Learn to use mindfulness techniques

• breath slow and deep

• focus on the present noticing (touch, smell, sight, sounds)

Let go, and let drift on past, those thoughts and feelings that you don't like.

What mindfulness can you practice so you have it up your sleeve when you want it?

Resources: Headspace, Thinkladder

Mindfulness has been extensively studied for its effectiveness in reducing anxiety, with many studies showing promising results. Here are some key statistics that highlight its impact:

1. Reduction in Anxiety Symptoms:
   A meta-analysis of over 39 studies found that mindfulness-based interventions significantly reduced anxiety symptoms, with an average reduction of 58%. Mindfulness was shown to be particularly effective in treating generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) and social anxiety​.

   
   

2. Long-Term Benefits:
   A 2014 study found that 93% of participants who practiced mindfulness regularly experienced a decrease in anxiety, and the effects lasted for up to 12 months after the program ended​.

   
   

3. Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR):
   Research on MBSR, a well-known mindfulness program, indicates that it can reduce anxiety levels by 30-40% after 8 weeks of practice. This program also demonstrated lasting reductions in anxiety in 70% of participants​.

   
   

4. Workplace Anxiety:
   A 2018 study in the Journal of Occupational Health Psychology found that employees who practiced mindfulness experienced a 29% reduction in anxiety and stress, leading to improved productivity and emotional regulation.

   
   

5. General Mental Health:
   A large-scale review of 47 trials involving over 3,500 participants showed that mindfulness significantly improved mental health, including anxiety reduction, with effects comparable to traditional cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) .

   
   

These statistics demonstrate the effectiveness of mindfulness in helping manage anxiety, with benefits ranging from reduced symptoms to long-lasting improvements.

The right truth can cut through our feelings, and arrest our fall into panic. The right truth acts like an antidote to the unhelpful thoughts and beliefs fueling our fears.

They have to be specifically targeted at our deepest fears, though. You may find these truths through counselling. They will be ah-huh moments that you need to grab hold of and store up for those moments when you need them.

Determine to side with truth over your feelings when big yucky feelings loom. This determination is powerful!

Examples:

• My feelings can lie to me.

• My feelings/interpretation is misrepresenting how bad/dangerous this actually is.

• I’m okay and safe right now despite my strong feelings.

• They are okay and safe right now.

• I will survive this, as I have done before.

• That was then, this is now.

• These feelings are just a powerful echo from the past.

• Right now I need to trust a good friend or family members perspective over my own.

Every beach with a rip also will have some drag thats pulling you towards the rip. It’s in the shallows, and it can be subtle and invisible, and you don’t notice unless you are watching carefully.

Acting like a subtle but powerful rip at the beach, our subconscious beliefs can feed us thoughts that cause worry, OR they can feed us thoughts that soothe us.

Our early experiences are the most powerful and if we experienced (or interpreted) the world as unsafe then we will carry this assumption into adulthood. This will cause low-level anxiety that can grow when triggered.

We need to know we are safe in this world even though it’s not perfect and much is out of our control.

Clutching for the illusion of control to maintain safety only causes more anxiety as we realise that fundamentally we just need to trust.

Most of us are holding a couple toxic core beliefs from our childhood or a trauma.

Letting go of limiting beliefs like:

1. “My survival is all up to me. (Trust nobody.)”

Symptoms: Low-level anxiety, emotional walls, inability to trust, relationship failures, isolation, and difficulty being vulnerable.

1. “My value is determined by what others think of me.”

Symptoms: Fear of rejection, inability to say no, people-pleasing, constant shame or anger, and living as if life is a popularity contest.

1. “I am only as worthy as my performance.”

Symptoms: Perfectionism, burnout, insecurity, family breakdown, and relentless competitiveness.

1. “If I love them, their feelings are my responsibility.”

Symptoms: Codependency, resentment, second-guessing, and a victim mindset.

1. “Failure is unacceptable.”

Symptoms: Blame-shifting, burnout, and stubbornness.

1. “I don’t belong here.”

   • Symptoms: Depression, repeated relationship breakdowns, and feelings of alienation.

We need to lay down a cognitive foundation that:

• Most people are good

• Most situations are safe

• Most people want the best for us

• We have limited control but that’s okay

• I have value even when I’m not perfect or at peak performance.

• I’m not automatically responsible for others feelings and actions.

• I’m allowed to fail as I learn and grow, in fact it’s the only way forward!

• I belong. It’s my earth too. It’s my house, room, family or team. I belong here.

*Some content adapted from Living Wisdom.

I was chatting with a long-time friend the other day and we were comparing notes on our families. After a bit of a chuckle, we realised that as we get older and further away from our family of origin we get this clarity of how ‘abnormal’ our family was or is.

Every family unit is made up of it’s own set of quirky helpful and unhelpful rules and mottos for life.

These are our default programming.

If these set up unrealistic expectations in our mind we can think that those high standards are normal and achievable which will cause consistent anxiety when we (or those around us) fall short of these unrealistic standards.

The trick here is to recalibrate with reality. If I am constantly disappointed in myself (or others) then I’m expecting too much. That doesn’t mean we cannot hope and reach for more, but we must live in reality if we don’t want to live in anxiety and disappointment, and I imagine anger is probably lurking too.

Reflection:

Explore the unspoken rules and roles of your family to complete the journey of individuation. Identifying your family’s overt and covert beliefs can help you recognise the values influencing your life.

1. Am I prepared to go beyond family mottos to grow?

2. Have I individuated from my parental values? How do I know?

3. Where in my life have I been rendered powerless? Is there an unspoken family motto at work?

Examples of Family Mottos that can drive anxiety:

• “Don’t rock the boat.”

• “Big boys don’t cry.”

• “Never upset mother (father/aunty etc).”

• “Hard work is futile.”

• “Waste not, want not.”

• “Praise makes you proud.”

• “Peace at any price.”

• “Disclosure of family faults is unforgivable.”

• “Never trust a woman/man.”

• “Tears are shameful.”

• “Your value depends on your achievements.”

• “Marriage must always look happy.”

• “It’s us against the world.”

Remember that:

• you are okay, loved, accepted and wanted just as you are.

• You are not in danger if you fall short, make a mistake, or stuff up.

• NOBODY IS PERFECT.

Identity. “I’m ok even if I muck up or they don’t like me.”

Our core beliefs about the world and ourselves serve as psychological anchors. This includes our identity.

Do you believe deep down that you are loved, worthy, worthwhile, and a valuable human being regardless of your ability, popularity, performance, age and appearance?

We form our identity over our entire lives, but a good chunk of that is done over our teenage years, and the ‘mirror’s we look into at that time of our lives is our parents and our peers.

Those ‘mirror’s are often cracked, and accidentally give us feedback that we are the ones that are broken, damaged, or inadequate.

If we do have a damaged sense of identity this causes an undercurrent of stress, worry, and psychological pressure that’s constant, but feels normal to us. BUT it’s like the current at the beach that just constantly drags you towards the rip.

You have a choice here. Ignore it but be constantly working against it, or find some new mirrors and straighten out your view of yourself.

Mindfulness has a foundational principle of self love. The bible speaks about loving yourself and unconditional love and grace.

As a foundation, radical self-love and acceptance is an incredibly peaceful place for your mind to live.

Limiting beliefs:

I’m not enough -> I’m not enough unless I’m: perfect, beautiful, useful

I’m unlovable -> I’m only lovable if I….look, do,

I don’t belong -> I don’t belong unless – they invite me out, I’m…

Application:

Strength finder?

Talk with friends/family/spouse

You have reached the end. Congrats! This, of course, isn’t the end of your personal development journey, but it is the final ‘lecture’.

Please take the time to re-do this whole course at a slower pace if you have just rushed through to get yourself oriented.

Remember that information doesn’t cause change or growth, it’s a hundred little steps, improvements, and changes that you make every day that will transform your life.

Please give me and future students some feedback on this course by leaving feedback on my platform and you are welcome to email me with feedback also.