Keep Your Cool in Seven Easy Steps. Anger Management.

Anger management is a personal process. Each person needs to be honest with himself/herself about his/her family of origin issues, self-talk, triggers that increase angry feelings, and taking care of himself/herself emotionally and physically.

Managing your anger will result in an increase of well-being, energy level, ability to communicate assertively, and ability to resolve issues effectively. Being in control of your anger and staying cool will improve your self-esteem and help you keep your power.

Once we begin to notice our anger, irritation, or frustration, we can express it early. Just a word, statement, or even a breath can dissipate the feelings and allow you to remain cool and keep your power. If you go off on someone, then you are losing your power. Each time you notice a feeling of anger, frustration, or annoyance, express yourself out loud in some way. You can simply sigh, scream in your car, or use your words, “I hate this.” Some sound must come from you to dissipate the negative energy.

Once we begin to notice our anger, irritation, or frustration, we can express it early. Just a word, statement, or even a breath can dissipate the feelings and allow you to remain cool and keep your power. If you go off on someone, then you are losing your power. Each time you notice a feeling of anger, frustration, or annoyance, express yourself out loud in some way. You can simply sigh, scream in your car, or use your words, “I hate this.” Some sound must come from you to dissipate the negative energy.

Once we begin to notice our anger, irritation, or frustration, we can express it early. Just a word, statement, or even a breath can dissipate the feelings and allow you to remain cool and keep your power. If you go off on someone, then you are losing your power. Each time you notice a feeling of anger, frustration, or annoyance, express yourself out loud in some way. You can simply sigh, scream in your car, or use your words, “I hate this.” Some sound must come from you to dissipate the negative energy.

To have the ability to hear your body talk to you, you need to be aware of what is happening within your body. You must be aware of what your body is feeling. Tension is the initial stage in anger arousal. When we feel stressed out, we are more likely to react to a minor annoyance as though it was a catastrophe. Systematically relaxing your muscles will help to release the tension.

If you, or someone you know, has been feeling sad most of the day and can't seem to shake that down feeling, perhaps you or that person has Major Depressive Disorder. Dysthymia is a form of depression that is milder than Major Depression. It lasts for at least two years. We will be exploring Major Depressive Disorder that is not Dysthymia.

Answering “yes” to five or more of these symptoms
may mean you have Major Depressive Disorder. If you suspect you are having an episode of Major Depressive Disorder, please consult with your Physician and/or Counselor.

If you would like to pass on the medications, try these. It has been my experience that they do little to lift a depression that is more than five yes checks on the depression check list. But, it does not hurt to try or even add them to the medication.

Communication is the most important aspect of any relationship. It is especially important in a relationship involving two divorced or separated parents. They way parents talk around and about their child will decide if the child is hurt by the separation or not.

Sometimes we learn behaviors in childhood, especially if we have had a difficult childhood, that help us to survive the childhood. We can acknowledge for ourselves the behaviors worked for us in childhood but are now getting in the way of relationship success. With this in mind, it would be appropriate to mention you child may be developing or have developed those kind of coping skills. Changing the way you interact with each other will help this child feel secure in the fact you, as adults, can take care of things in a healthy manner.

Communication can be aggressive, passive, assertive or passive aggressive.

Here is an example of the different communication patterns.
You are sitting at dinner and want the salt-

Aggressive Communication example: Aggressive communication style will mean you are trying to get your needs met through force-verbal, emotional, or physical. Here is what your statement will sound like….bossy and loud; “Can't you stupid people pass the salt!" Aggressive styles of communication can feel violent. Yelling and swearing and calling names is a form of violence.

Passive Communication example: When you communicate in a passive manner there may not be a statement. Or you may hint at what you need. You sit quietly wishing someone would pass the salt.

Assertive Communication example: When you communicate assertively you increase the chance of getting your needs met without hurting anyone else or using force. This is what an assertive statement would sound like; “Would someone please pass me the salt?”

An example of Passive Aggressive style; your boss asks you to file some things and filing is not your job. You are irritated and file them all wrong. Passive is unhealthy communication in that it is VICTIM thinking and not being proactive about our own need.

Some people have the talent of mind reading, but most of us are not able to read another's mind. So, even though someone loves you so much they probably cannot read your mind. Passive style of communication relies on the wish our mind can be read and our needs magically be taken care of.

It is your responsibility to ask for your own needs. This is assertive communication and is also the healthy form of communication. Assertive communication gets us what we need or want without hurting anyone. With this in mind, when one parent needs something that may not be the usual request, asking in an assertive manner will help the request be heard.

Relationships take time and energy and feeding and nurturing. They are a living breathing entity. You can have wonderful, just okay, cold nothingness, or abusive. You choose. If you are co-parenting, it may mean your communication as a couple was not effective. Changing that now may seem ridiculous. You are no longer working on a relationship as a couple. You are, however, working on a relationship that will assure your child is nurtured in a positive manner and not harmed because the two of you decided to go separate ways.

Effective Communication and Fair Fighting will show you how to talk so other will listen, how to respond without defending or arguing your point, and how to resolve issues with fair fighting..

Remember-You get what you notice! That is true in any relationship. If you continue to notice only the negative you will get more of that. If you acknowledge the positive and the behaviors you want to see more, you will get an increase in those behaviors. This is especially true with co-parenting. Not only with each other, but with your child. Notice the positive, what you want more of, and you will get more of that.

Within a relationship, each partner possesses personal rights. A healthy relationship allows each partner to remain an individual. The partners are together because they want to be together -- not because they need to be together. Each partner has their own personal boundaries and the right to respect and privacy. When parents separate those rights can be blurred or disrespected out of spite. When children are involved the adults need to monitor their treatment of each other. The way you behave will model for your child how to behave in a stressful situation.

In a healthy relationship, trust is automatic. However, sometimes distorted thinking, irrational ideas, or mistaken assumptions hinder our ability to trust and to partake in a healthy relationship. If your relationship together did not look like this, your relationship apart need to change into this sort of respect for each other to assist your child in this new and stressful environment.

A “Time-out” has rules. When we are feeling our anger raise to a point that it will interfere with our communication or calm thinking, taking a "time-out" is a responsible thing to do. Time-out does not mean walking out the door and slamming it behind you, leaving your partner to wonder where you are going and if you are coming back. There is a specific formula or “rules” for time-out so that the time can be a positive action. Time-outs help to establish trust between the partners.