How Good Men are Made: Strong, Smart, Safe

Men today live in the tension between the cultural pressure to, in many ways, be passive; while at the same time receiving the conflicting message to have a strong, wild side.

In our well-intentioned cultural striving to make men safe, we have inadvertently made them weak. But the reality is, weak men are not safe at all. Weak men are dangerous.

What must a good man do in response to this tension?  He must adapt.

He is always safe to others without losing touch with his "wild side".

Embrace the "sweet spot" between weak and wild.

It is important for us to understand the internal wiring men have today that developed over the long course of human development before we became a more civilized society.  Men are who they are today because of who their fathers were then.

There have always been three realms to a man's life.  These are his:

1. Personal life: a man’s distinct identity within his community.

2. Relational life: a man’s interdependence with others within his community.

3. Professional life: a man’s value within his community.

In primitive society, a man’s reputation and standing within his community determined his very existence. He had to bring value to the band not only because everyone's help was needed, but because if he lost favor in the eyes of the community, he risked being shunned or shamed.  Today, men live within a very different cultural context, but our internal wiring has not adapted.

There are three hazards to life on earth as humans.  These hazards are "The Three D's": Difficulties, Deterioration, and Dangers.

The Hammer & Chisel definition of Physical Fitness is: A General Preparedness to Overcome Obstacles of All Kinds.

There are three ways in which we all control our physical fitness:

1. Our Nutrition: Everything we eat and drink.

2. Our Movement: This includes all exercise and physical activity.

3. Our Rest and Recovery Practices: The ways in which we replenish our bodies.

Men need a strategy to stick to.  When men don’t have a plan or strategy for their lives, they quickly become disoriented and often passive.  Despondent.  Why?  Because a man’s purpose and passion come from his plan.

There are two distinct processes that men can journey through to uncover their identity and purpose: The Discovery Process

and The Purpose Process.

The Discovery Process: Discover, Uncover, Recover and Re-Discover

The Purpose Process: Imagine, Envision, Strategize, Execute, and Celebrate

When it comes to life planning, many experts will tell you to begin by defining your values – what is most important to you.

We advise men ,however, to define their virtues, and men gravitate to the concept of virtues more than values.

The ancient Romans delineated at least three areas or segments to masculine virtuosity. we call them (using Latin word sources) a man’s:

Genius – the Inner Man

Gravitas – the Upward Man

Dignitas – the Outward Man

There are two systems of virtue selection that we all interact with:

The Systemic Virtues : Culture-driven and imposed from the outside.

The Selective Virtues : Independently chosen by you alone.

All human relationships are either Blood (family) or Bonds (non-family).  We have some, but not great, control over our family relationships (no one gets to choose the family they are born into).  We have greater control over our Bond relationships as these are our chosen relationships.

When it comes to a man's romantic relationships with women, it is important to understand what many women find attractive in a man.

Our Three C's of Masculine Attractiveness are:

1. Confidence - Know who you are and where you are headed in life.

2. Composure - Being grounded, level-headed, calm and tested.

3. Charisma - Being truly alive and animated: body, mind, spirit.

Our Three A's of Attractiveness are:

1. Anatomy - Physical attraction based on looks and appearance.

2. Autonomy - Confident independence.

3. Astronomy - The intangible connection based on personality.

Relationships are a risk-reward proposition.  The reward is the fulfillment of our need to have others trust us and whom we love and trust in return.  However, there is always the risk of potential rejection by others whom we trust.

In this talk, discover why we all have varying degrees of tolerance for relational risk.

Some are more tolerant and willing to take the risk of investing in relationships, while others are less tolerant and fear investing in relationships.  There is hope for all who are skeptical of trusting others - for all who have been wounded by others.

Learn what the true Words of Hope are for you and those you care about.

When it comes to true pain in life (not physical pain but rather heart pain) there is the Problem of Pain and there is the Purpose of Pain. The Problem of Pain is universal, we all experience it.  The Purpose of Pain is found in each person's response to it.

Learn the path on which good men deal with pain today, so that it will not prevent them from future growth and new relationships.

There are no simple solutions.  No trite or empty sayings.  This is where good men find purpose and even meaning in their painful losses and experiences.

When it comes to re-considering how a good man is strong, a key factor is control.  Good men have control of their physical strength - they are always safe.  In fact, good men may be strong on the inside and the outside, but are always safe.

A weak man (judging by a man's character, not physical size) is passive.  He is not active in lives of those who would like him to be active and present.

A man can become more active and strong by taking ownership of the various relational Roles and Responsibilities that he holds.

In his modern classic book on business principles titled Good to Great, author Jim Collins uncovers key principles as to what often turns a good/average company into a great company.  Some of these principles can be adapted to understand how men can go from good to great as well.  We will apply what Collins refers to as the Hedgehog Principle to men.

You will discover that men go from good to great when:

• They discover their true identity and direction in life and pursue those.

• They discover how them may add the most value to their community.

• They discover what they are most passionate about.