Help a Gambling Addict in the Family

Our Definition of Gambling Addiction:

If a person in pain feels an urge to gamble, then he or she is a gambling addict.

The addiction is formed when the brain has made a connection between gambling and pain release.

We define pain as:

Any thought, feeling, or discomfort we don’t want to have.

Examples of pain: Stress, boredom, loneliness, anxiety, trauma, a fight with a spouse, financial distress, being laid off, divorce, loss, low self-esteem/self-confidence, lack of meaning, etc. There are 100s of sources of pain.

If you want to help someone stop gambling, it all starts with helping them understand why they gamble—what causes them pain?

Then, we need to help them work on these areas of their lives. We call this working on the underlying causes of addiction. That’s the focus we’ll have throughout this course.

If you want to know more about the statistics, we referred to in the video. Here is our gambling addiction statistics page. https://quitgamble.com/gambling-addiction-statistics-and-facts/

30 Days of observations:

Use a notebook to write down your observations. Put symptoms in one column, the number of times you’ve observed, and dates. If you want to go a little deeper, make a note of what happened in the situation. Did anything happen to trigger the symptom?

The more attention you pay to what happened in the situation, the better you’ll understand what is going on. These observations can also be useful in later lessons and will be particularly helpful when you talk to the person and help them understand what gambling does for them.

Here is an example of what it can look like. (Naturally, the right column would be full of information about what happened in each situation.)

If you want our full list of signs and symptoms of gambling addiction. You find our list below.

Suppose your partner or close relative gambles on sports. The signs and symptoms might look a little different. Below you find is a list of all the signs and symptoms of sports betting addiction that we’ve identified.

Sometimes, the casinos are helping their customers to hide their problems. On regulated markets, this would be frowned upon, but even on regulated markets, there are casinos without licenses offering gamblers to gamble. If you want to know more about how online casinos operate. Check the link below

On QuitGamble.com, we define co-dependence as:

"Co-dependence or Co-addiction can occur to a person who lives close to an addict. Since the person doesn't know how to handle the addiction, he/she starts adapting to it rather than counteract it."

Typical symptoms of co-dependence are:

• Depression

• Fatigue

• Low energy

• Low self-esteem

• A feeling of living someone else’s life

Take action to protect yourself both financially and mentally (See attachment)

The Internet is covered with gambling information. BUT 99.99% of the content is positive because it’s selling something. The gambling online gambling industry is driven by marketing in various forms.

When we say commercial, perhaps you think of annoying TV or newspaper ads. That is one part of marketing. Other platforms used are social media and affiliate sites. Over the past few years, gambling companies have started using social media influencers to play slot machines and market casinos to a young audience.

If you want to know more about affiliates and how the casinos operate, I recommend the following article. (See link below)

I promised in the video another video about RTP, return to player. It's an eye-opener! See the link below.

The video is part of a bigger article on how game developers create games to make them as thrilling and enticing as possible. We call the article “Why you can’t win”. (See the link below)

Finally, if you want to know more about how online gambling works, we have the following article. (See link below)

concepts in NVC.

Here are some examples of questions you can use that focus on curiosity rather than judgment.

Questions to use to get the conversation going:

• What is gambling doing for you?

• What happens when you gamble?

• Does it create a moment of peace? Is that perhaps why it’s so hard to quit?

• How does it feel to talk about it?

• When did you start gambling? How did you feel then?

• What was it that attracted you?

• How did it feel when you started losing control?

• Did anything particular happen around that time?

• Do you want to stop gambling?

• Do you want some support?

• Where do you want to go from here?

Link to our how to help a gambling addict guide:

The 2 keys to listen with empathy:

• Let the person talk

• Give them your full attention and try not to judge or analyze what they say. Just let them talk.

Questions you can use:

• What happens when you gamble?

• How does it feel?

• What do you think about?

• What do you not think or feel when you gamble?

• What happens when you win? Feelings? Thoughts? Do you stop, or do you continue gambling?

• When did you start gambling?

When you practice and learn how to use NVC, you’ll realize that you can use it in any situation. It’ll often help explain why people react in a particular way around us. Here is an interesting example (from my own experience of NVC) of what happens when you try to listen with empathy but stop before the person has had enough empathy:

Action Plan

Focus On Yourself First

• Read our guide on how to protect yourself from a gambling spouse again.

• Read our guide on how to help a gambling addict.

• Stick to your routines (E.g., Going for walks, meeting with friends, cooking food, working out…).

• Make a list of 3 things you’ll do for yourself over the next 3 days.

• Read through the Guides about ‘Addiction,’ ‘Can you gamble and win?,’ and ‘How they trick you‘ That’ll give you a head start!

• Sign up as a free trial member on QuitGamble.com to take advantage of our resources.

  • Ask the other members any questions you might have.

  • Read stories from others affected by this in our Relative Support Group.

• Read about co-dependency– list six things you’ll do to avoid becoming co-dependent.

• Spend a few hours reading about online casinos, sports betting, and poker. It will give you a better understanding of the topic.

Focus On The Problem Gambler

• Get a notebook and start writing things down

• Pay attention to the person.

  • Is there anything wrong?

  • What warning signs can you identify?

  • Monitor the behavior. Any changes? Be attentive and write things down.

  • Focus extra attention on things that regard money.

• Ask questions about how the person is feeling.

• Try to come up with ideas of things you can do together. That will distract both of you and allow you to spend time together.

• Ask another relative for help — perhaps a partner, close friend, family member, or co-worker. Share your concerns and ask them to be observant of various warning signs. We recommend that they read through this guide as well.

• Sit down with the person. Tell them about your observations, feelings, and needs. Then, ask them to tell you about what you’ve observed. If you need extra support, ask another relative to join the conversation.

• Talk through everything from the beginning; use open-ended questions to get the conversation going. Avoid judging or analyzing, focus on the person’s feelings, and start building a connection.

Plan for the Future

• (Together) In most countries, there are physical support groups for gambling addicts, such as Gambler’s Anonymous. The 12-step program at GA works for some people and could complement our QuitGamble.com work.

• (You) You mustn’t lend the person money. If you help them financially, the person will not take responsibility for their actions. You’re only doing them a disservice.

• (Together) If they gamble online, install an app like Gamban or Betblocker together. It’ll block all gambling sites.

• Check if there are any ways to self-exclude from casinos in your country.

• (Together) if the person plays in land-based casinos. Go with them to self-exclude from these facilities.

• (Together) Encourage them to do the Happiness Test. After the test, sign up on QuitGamble.com together. You can create separate accounts to get the individual support you both need.

• (Together) Help the person do the Welcome Challenge. It’s the best way we know to get started on the quest to become gambling-free.

• (Together) If the person has a lot of gambling debt with high interest rates, help them find someone who can consolidate all loans into one bigger loan with a lower interest rate.

• (Together) Plan a few social activities together and be outside in nature. Help them reconnect to both nature and other people. For example, they take long walks or go to the gym together.

• (Together) Open up to other relatives together. They can also support you.

The best way to help people stop gambling is to help them understand what gambling does for them. You can help them do that by asking the following questions:

• What happens when you gamble?

• How does it feel?

• What do you think about?

• Is there anything you don’t feel or think?

The answer to the last question might be the key to stopping gambling.

Example:

If the answer to the last question is: When I’m gambling, I feel relaxed, calm, and excited. I don’t think about my divorce, the mortgage, or my old parents, whom I never visit.

Then gambling does many things to the person. (It’s rarely just one thing.) Gambling distracts them from bad conscience about not visiting their old parents, worries about the future, and financial problems. For a moment, the person feels free…

So, to help them stop gambling, we need to remove their need for escape. To do that, we can help them work on their relationship with their parents, deal with their finances, and get through their divorce.

We have two tools we recommend to help the person understand the underlying causes of the gambling addiction.

• The Happiness Test

• The Welcome Challenge

Two common reasons people deny they have a gambling problem:

• Gambling has become like a “friend”, something the person subconsciously turns to when they’re in pain.

• The problem is too big to handle, so it’s easier to deny it and desperately hope for that big win.

Some say there is little logic for addicts, but we believe the key to helping someone is helping them understand why they do what they do. But we can’t tell them why they do it… it must come from within them. However, perhaps we can help them a little bit along the way.

I would meet the person with curiosity. Ask the person to tell me more about gambling:

• What excites them?

• How does it feel to gamble?

• What do they gamble on?

• What happens when they win?

• How does it feel to win?

• Do they stop when they win, or do they continue?

Perhaps I’d then gradually add my own information about winning. Like the guide about “You can’t win”, when we discuss how games are developed to trick us. Then I’d ask about their view on the matter. See if I could create some interest.

In the meantime, it’s vital that you protect your money and assets from the gambler. I’m sorry to say it, but your money isn’t safe!

We’d not win them over in a day, but if we continue to show curiosity instead of judging them, and actively listen with empathy. There is a chance that we’ll be more open to stopping gambling.

During this time, you can help the person set up auto-payments to ensure that the bills get paid before the person can gamble the money away.

Another thing you could do is look for alternatives to gambling (without telling the person it’s an alternative).

Finally, you might reach a point when you can discuss why the person doesn't want to stop or seek help. It's often fear, shame, guilt, and pride that prevents people from seeking help. When you reach this far, you can introduce QuitGamble as an anonymous alternative where people can poke around to see if they find it interesting. More about that in the next video.

If you want to know more about Responsible gambling, here is a link to some responsible gambling tools

Things you can do:

1. Open up to someone about your situation

2. Join our community on QuitGamble.com

Here are a few more links with information:

• How to block gambling sites

• What is Gamanon

• Gambling Addiction Hotlines Worldwide