PRACTICE WITH ME 2 - Family Constellations + The Aftermath

I AM IN THE MIDDLE

Theme: ISOLATION

Emotions: I feel Alone

Kobus volunteered to be a case study for this course. When I asked him to provide a theme, he initially sent me a brief summary of his family dynamics, focusing primarily on a complaint about his father. Upon further prompting, he articulated a desire to withdraw from his family entirely.

During our session, Kobus identified "a family conflict around my disabled brother" as the central theme. I asked if he would be interested in exploring his relationship with his father, and he agreed. This choice was significant for several reasons outlined below.

Kobus's family dynamics revolve around his younger brother, Johan, who has cerebral palsy. Kobus expressed frustration with his father, whom he blames for not stepping up as a parent after their mother's passing. He described his father as a narcissist, comparing him to Hitler, and recounted a lifelong strained relationship marked by fear, aggression, and rejection, especially regarding his sexuality.

With his mother no longer there to care for Johan, Kobus feels isolated as his father has remarried and placed Johan in a home. Kobus shared that his father was ashamed of Johan and avoided being seen with him in public, including at church. This exclusion intensified around Christmas when Kobus's sister-in-law forced family gatherings, leading Kobus to withdraw further.

Initially, I looked for a family trauma that might explain Kobus's feelings. He often spoke of his mother's suffering at his father's hands, indicating he was caught in the middle of his parents' tumultuous relationship. Additionally, a significant trauma was the tragic death of a nephew in childhood, adding to the family's burden.

When asked about his feelings, Kobus expressed profound loneliness, self-isolation, and a sense of not belonging, feeling he had no family.

Exploring the "real" cause of the family disruption, we focused on his disabled brother, Johan. Kobus could be identifying with his uncle, while his father might be projecting his feelings onto his brother. The birth of a disabled child is an unforeseen trauma for parents, and both Kobus's parents struggled to cope with Johan's condition.

In the session, Kobus used child dolls to represent himself and Johan, placing them side by side facing their father, with their mother behind them, looking down. Kobus felt protective of Johan and burdened by his mother's struggles, taking on the role of caretaker to alleviate her burden. However, this led him to carry the weight of trying to manage someone else's fate.

Kobus recalled his father telling them to be self-sufficient to avoid burdening their mother further. For the first time, he realized his perception of his father consuming his mother's life might have been a child's misunderstanding. Instead of seeing his mother as a victim of his father, he began to recognize their interactions as a form of bonding and mutual support.

By reassessing these dynamics, Kobus started to understand that his mother's lack of time for him might not have been due to his father's domineering nature, but rather a complex, protective relationship between his parents.

Theme: Chronic Candidiasis

Emotions: “I don’t want to live”

This is a good case of “I FOR YOU” – I FOLLOW YOU and that reflects a wish to take over an illness from another member of the family or even die so the other one will live.

Rebeca was very upset about her health. She had tried everything to fix her candida problems, but nothing worked. She felt desperate. Just a week ago, she had a severe attack after having sex with her husband.

When she was 4, she was sent home from school because of a bad candidiasis episode. She was itching a lot. She believed the cause was a “missing twin” she thought she had, but her mother never confirmed it. “She doesn’t talk.” Rebeca read a book about the subject and got emotional, convincing herself that this was the cause. Rebeca is also a therapist, and therapists often self-diagnose, but it’s hard to see our own issues clearly.

When I asked her what her biggest fear was if she couldn’t solve her problem, she said, “I don’t want to live.” This is a strong reaction for a condition that isn’t life-threatening. We needed to understand who, in the family, might be feeling this way.

Rebeca didn’t seem to know much about her family, especially her mother. And this issue seemed to be connected to women, as her troubled relationship with her mother was clear.

“How do you feel about your mother?” I asked.

“Now, I love her,” she said. “My mother is loving, caring, funny, kind, and generous, but she criticises everyone. After two days with her, it gets really heavy. I feel the need to coach her, to take care of her.”

The "having to care for her mother" showed itself clearly when she chose a small doll for mum and a big one for herself. The doll "accidentally" felt on her back which I read as being weak. She told me to keep her that way and later you will observe Rebeca say, "She was weak."

After saying good things about her mother, Rebeca started talking about how bad her mother was. She said her mum was cruel and not nurturing. When I asked for  FACTS, she mentioned that her mother also had candidiasis and didn’t have one breast. Rebeca didn’t know why and never asked her mother, who never wanted to talk about it.

There were issues in the family relating children to pain and suffering, sex and the morning after pill(possible abortions), and not wanting children. Her aunt didn’t have children, and neither did she. Both had partners who couldn't have or didn't want children. Rebeca’s worst candida episode happened right after having sex and usually after having sex, but her connection to her aunt is a topic for another session.

She also remembered her mother going in and out of the hospital. We don't know how long this separation lasted or if it was long enough to affect their bond. However, we need to stay focused on the client's main issue. Trying to address every problem in one session can be overwhelming and less effective. We need to stay focused on the client's main issue. It's important to keep our focus on the client's topic and issue.

When she was 4, she noticed her mother was missing a breast, and that’s when she had her first candidiasis crisis. Her mother might have said, “I don’t want to live. This is horrible,” and young Rebeca took on that feeling to save her mother.

Issue: Mother & Daughter relationship

Worst fear: "To be dismissed"

Synonym for to be dismissed = to be sent away

This fear is directly linked to a relative who unconsciously was at the origin of her family entanglement and the disconnection amongst the women of this family.

Jessie volunteered to be a case study and brought up the issue of her relationship with her mother. She felt burdened by her and wanted to distance herself; however, she feared that if she did, she would be dismissed by her mother.

Her anxiety would grow around dates and anniversaries when the presence of a daughter would be "socially" expected at her mother's house, concerning emotions and what would be expected of her.

In reality, her mother never demanded anything from her.

Theme: Suicidal Thoughts

Emotions: “I will kill myself – by hanging.”

Anna has had suicidal thoughts since the age of 14 after a sexual abuse. Thoughts come and go and are specific; “I will kill myself by hanging.” Since she has already worked on her abuse and that was linked to a relative on her mother side, she decided to investigate and ask her father if someone in his family had committed suicide by hanging or mentioned the desire of doing so.

She is my client but also has done my master course, so she knows where and how to look for traumas. And she is adamant to be as healthy as she can be and also start practicing as a facilitator.

Her worst fears are “Feeling Weak” (which she’s already been feeling most of her life, so it doesn’t make sense) and “Powerless”.

She now has a relationship with her father and mother she never had before having Constellation sessions so she felt confident she could ask her dad and he replied that his father had tried to commit suicide by hanging and his brother had stopped him, but later he drank poison and died.

Not only her grandfather, but also her great grandmother did the same and she doesn’t know how she killed herself, but knows that it happened after her husband was killed in WWI and she was left with a business she couldn’t cope.

Anna suffered with fatigue and bouts of depression as her father did, so connecting the thoughts of feeling weak and powerless reflected her father’s “inability” to save his father and her grandfather to save his mother, the original person carrying these thoughts.

“I feel calm,” she said. “OMG. “This was so revealing.”

In the case of suicide, Hellinger said that the relatives must accept the family member choice and re-include them as this is a taboo topic but also shameful to many.

To the one carrying the thoughts it is important that they separate themselves from the per-son who they are identified with and tell them they will stay in honour of them and until their time has come.

Women I Meet Simply Disappear Into Thin Air

Peter, a 31-year-old man, came to me saying, "Women come to me, and when I think it's going to turn into a relationship, they suddenly disappear. It's like they vanish into thin air." His biggest fear is never finding anyone.

I asked him, "What happened to your mother?"

Peter explained that when his mother was eight, her father died in a freak accident. His truck fell off a bridge and exploded. Her older brother saw the body and described it as the size of a carbonated baby. His uncle said he became an alcoholic because of it and often saw his father's spirit around the house.

As Peter talked about his grandfather, he got agitated. His phone fell, and he couldn't keep it steady.

I asked, "How do you feel about your mother?"

"I don't trust her," he replied.

"What do you mean?"

"I can't talk to her about serious things. She's like a child."

If Peter feels his mother is like a child and she lost her father, she needs a father figure. And who's best for that "vacant" position?

"What else?" I asked.

"Fear," he said.

How can Peter fear a mother he sees as a child? This fear doesn’t seem to be his own.

"What do you still want from your parents?" I asked.

"That they become independent of me and my brother," he said.

When he arranged dolls to represent his family, he placed his grandfather looking forward, his mother looking at her father near him, and Peter himself at a distance, looking at his mother from behind. It was clear he was standing in his grandfather's shoes and that his mother only saw her father.

Peter realized this and felt really tired but said a few healing sentences:

"Hello, Grandpa. Even though I never met you, I see you, and you belong to this family." "I'm sorry you had such a terrible death and that I took your place." "My mother has a father, and that is you." "I'm only the son." "You passed on life, and because of that, I have a life too." "You are the best father for my mother." "I will carry you in my heart, and I love you."

Then Peter said a few things to his mother too:

"Mum, I'm sorry I took your father's place." "You have a father, and he's the perfect one for you." "I'm sorry for your traumatic loss at such a young age, but I can no longer carry your fate." "I leave with you what belongs to you. I keep what belongs to me; my own destiny." "Thank you for my life." "You are big, I am small. You stay big, I stay small."

Like his grandfather, who suddenly disappeared from his mother’s life, Peter feels the same fear. He carries his mother's fear out of blind love.

The possible outcomes of a Family Constellation session.

Pedro had three sessions so far.

In this video he talks about the aftermath of a session where the issue of being able to have a voice was a problem and position himself was very difficult for him

He is now able to talk to people in a firmer way, to impose himself and leave behind the passive guy with no voice he didn't feel was helping him achieve ambitions.

That passive attitude was attracting people who didn't respect him in all areas of his like.

Maris came to me for money issues.

She had problems and resentment towards her father.

Early separation from her father demaged their relationship and hers with money.

MY OWN EXPERIENCE

As I delve into the experiences of my clients, it's inevitable to share my own journey. I want to recount the profound impact Family Constellation had on my life, starting from the initial discovery prompted by a friend's suggestion for research. It led me to participate as a representative in a workshop, engage in a private session, delve into Hellinger's writings, and talk to several therapists.

However, the most transformative moments occurred during sessions with my clients, where their issues mirrored my own to the point of complete exhaustion.

In the past six years, I moved from financial hardship, juggling three different jobs without a stable career, to attaining financial independence. Today, I enjoy a flourishing career centred around my passion and love, with over 1000 students across 88 countries.

HOW LONG DID IT TAKE FOR ME TO UNDERGO THIS TRANSFORMATION?

The change was immediate as I was able to recognise my position between my parents after they separated, consciously siding with my mother and unconsciously leaning towards my father.

But I had to take action to create the life I wanted. As I did, what I thought was important changed, and new awareness replaced old values.

The first step involved healing my relationship with him, understanding the entanglements he faced, and acknowledging the burdens I carried.

From there, I seized control of my emotions, shifting from a sense of victimhood to being a co-author of my own story. Strengthened, I took responsibility for my share and my life.

As my mind cleared, I delved deeper into self-discovery, shedding external perceptions and embracing my true self. Feeling empowered, with a lucid mind, emotional control, and a grip on my life, I engaged in study, drew inspiration from books and my own clients, and became more productive and creative.

I specially recommend - The Psychology of Money by Morgan Housel and really believe that we all need to educate ourselves financially as much as we must learn to accept and take our parents as they are. Emotional and financial balance are keys to a better life.

The difference between the two minds and how they work.

The need to learn how our mind works.

The need to unite mentally and emotionally with the good you need to embody.

THE CHANGE HAPPENS IN US

We often hold the misconception that we can alter people's behavior. Consequently, we find ourselves enduring abusive relationships or settling for less than we deserve, fueled by the belief that individuals will eventually change. We wait for them to recognise our inherent goodness and the substantial contributions we bring to the relationship, hoping to receive the love we deserve. Yet, as time passes, we may discover that things rarely improve.

The question then arises: How much longer are you willing to wait for your partner to change?

Recognising that immediate departure from a non-life-threatening situation may not be feasible for everyone, it becomes essential to formulate a plan. By taking gradual steps, we can actively foster the positive transformations we aspire to see in our relationships and in our lives.

THE SESSION

The Theme: Couple Relationship

Janice came to me, troubled by her husband's deteriorating mental health. She had reached a breaking point, unable to endure the worsening abusive dynamics in their relationship. However, she feared  the possibility that his behavior was indicative of early-stage Alzheimer's. This dilemma left her feeling torn, torn between the desire to escape the abusive situation and the fear of guilt if her husband was indeed struggling with a cognitive decline.

She feared loneliness as she said my family "would break apart". Yet, the realisation that we cannot change others prompted to delve into the roots of Janice's fears. Unearthing a painful past, we discovered that Janice had experienced sexual abuse as a child, a traumatic event compounded by the lack of belief and support from her family. This history of enduring silence to avoid rejection mirrored the same fear she has in her present circumstances.

FEARS

• If I don't do what I'm told, people will leave me.

• I will be alone

• The family will break apart

• I will be the bad guy for leaving him

AFTERMATH

A week after the first session, Janice's husband "out of the blue" said he was sorry for the way he'd been treating her and that she did not deserve that kind of treatment. She felt validated; not for too long. A week later, they went out for dinner and "He ruined our anniversary," she said. "He was shouting non-stop abuse."

• The very next day she felt worse

• He excused himself for his erratic behaviour, for the first time ever

• But soon after the fights with her husband intensified

• Decided to have a second session within two weeks of the first

• She felt stronger and started to change her behaviour towards him

• At the restaurant when he created a scene, she got up and left

• That night she decided that she would sleep on the couch. It was a first

• Janice told me she's feeling much stronger.

IN THE NAME OF THE SAINT

Joe came to me with financial concerns as the central theme of our conversation.

Having successfully completed his degree, he secured a position at a very prestigious mental health clinic in London. However, he opted to resign, feeling tired of working without compensation and sensing exploitation.

Consequently, he abandoned his entire career trajectory and returned to a lifestyle of sporadic odd jobs for friends—assisting with moves, serving as a tour guide, and the like.

"I appreciate money," Joe remarked. "Yet, the idea of waking up one day to discover a substantial sum in my account triggers anxiety." He struggled to comprehend the paradoxical nature of his sentiments.

THE SESSION

Theme: Money Issues

Joe's dad passed away when he was 18. Due to health issues, he grew up with relatives in a different city and didn't get to spend much time with his beloved dad. Stories circulated about his father having to hide because he was a persecuted communist in their native country.

Despite the challenges, his dad was known as a kind soul who selflessly cared for the local community, often giving away everything he had just to help others survive.

In contrast, Joe had different priorities. He enjoyed wealth, travel, and luxury, yet felt uneasy whenever there was an opportunity to acquire more money than necessary for his expenses. Most of his income came from providing services in exchange for payment.

During a trip to Italy, Joe discovered a book about an Italian Saint who shared his family name. This discovery triggered a realization, connecting him to the roots of his lifestyle and prompting a moment of insight.

FEELINGS

• Anxiety

• Confusion

• Irritation

THE AFTERMATH

• Calmer

• Ended a 14 year relationship with his partner who despite being wealthy never contributed financially.

• Rented his apartment as form of income.

• And traveled to his native country to spend time with family.

The importance of understanding how we have been programmed as a collective about money in schools worlwide as well as our individual programming by our family beliefs about money.

THE SECRET ABUSE

Amy wrote me an email with a long list of family traumas just the day before the session. She had read my book and had found the root cause of her problems. And she wanted to solve them all at the same time.

I had to explain there were too many and we had to begin with the most pressing symptom at present and she told me it was her abuse.

But she also has had a big issues with career, money her relationship with her father and mother, family suicide, war and so on...

Because the first session was an incredible relief, Amy decided booked a second a week later and the next after the previous. So she had 4 because she felt she waited too many years to get through her issues and this was the right time to do so.

The feelings as to when one should have another session are with the client. This is very personal and if it is reasonable and I see it makes sense, I will agree with them.

THE SESSION

Theme: Health/Sexual abuse

FEELINGS

• Extreme Fatigue

• Anger

• Depression

• Frustration

THE AFTERMATH

• Well

• Light

• Put up a Christmas tree; the first in 15 years.

• Enrolled in the Master Family Constellation to become a facilitator herself.

THE BLOND BLUE EYED GIRL

Ryan, a 30 year old man, went to one of my workshops in Paris with a brunette who later I was told she used to be his ex-girlfriend who was still in love with him despite of him having told her the relationship was finished and she should try and meet another man.

In this workshop, he dealt with an abandonment issue and later called me for a private session.

THE SESSION

Theme: Couple Relationship

Ryan, who is 30 and still single, expressed his desire for a family but mentioned the challenge of finding the right woman.

His father had left France for the Amazon after two failed marriages, cutting ties with his two children from those relationships.

Ryan who was raised in an indiginous area, after his father died left to France.

He had a peculiar fixation on blondes with blue eyes who seemed to dislike him, leaving him puzzled. He felt that the relationships he had with these blondes were imbalanced, as he would shower them with gifts, replace lost items, and go above and beyond.

The revelation that one of his estranged siblings was a blond, blue-eyed girl stirred conflicting emotions in Ryan. Initially, his stomach churned, but he also experienced a sense of relief.

FEELINGS

• Anger

• Frustration

• Confusion

THE AFTERMATH

• Clarity

• Married his brunnette formal girlfriend

• Had a baby

• Obtained the family he desired.

KAMIKAZE IN THE FAMILY

"They were known for never missing their target," she said.

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SESSION 1

Theme: Money & Career

SESSION 2

Theme: Overwhelmed by Sadness

FEELINGS

• Unworthy

• Overwhelmed

• Suicidal

• Very sad

  
  

THE AFTERMATH

• Stronger

• Terrified

• Noticed her father, bosses and co-workers were treating her better, even when she made mistakes