Emotional Regulation 101

According to American psychologist Dr. Robert Plutchik, humans can experience 34,000 distinguishable emotions.

The 8 most commonly experienced emotions are: joy, trust, fear, surprise, sadness, anticipation, anger, and disgust.

In the video above, I walk you through an exercise to help you recognize body signals that are indicative of various emotions.

Interestingly enough, researchers studied over 700 people and their bodily topographical sensations to 14 emotions. Differences existed between where and how emotions were physically experienced, but those differences were subtle. Anger and happiness for example are felt most in the upper torso and face, but anger is felt more in the arms. Check out the chart below.

The Feelings Wheel

The feelings wheel below was developed by Dr. Gloria Wilcox. The wheel can be used to dig deeper into our emotions and explore what may be underneath secondary emotions like "mad".

The wheel has six core feelings: mad, scared, joyful, powerful, peaceful and sad. A secondary ring of words helps narrow those feelings down. A third, outer ring gets even more specific. In all, there are 72 adjectives to link to your feelings.

The six emotions closest to the middle are the easiest for most of us to connect with. Once you start with one of the six emotions like "angry", we next move to the primary emotions within that triangle. This will help us drill down to what we actually are feeling. It also can be helpful to look at the emotions listed in the second and third row of other trajectories for more clarity.

For example, you may start by saying "I feel angry," but upon further exploration you realize you actually feel rejected and hurt.

The wheel is a great tool to help us develop insight into our emotions. The better we are at identifying our emotions, the easier it is to control our responses and behaviors.

Introduction:

Before we change anything, we have to have good idea of our current habits and patterns. Sure, we think we know our strengths and weaknesses, but most times we don’t know how much (or little) we do something until we start paying attention. To do that, we need to take an inventory. Roll up your sleeves, it’s about to get a little messy.

Actions You Can Take

• Begin tracking your consumption with the Daily Consumption Log - download and print or create your own!

• Start a journal - can be online, a notebook, whatever works best for your daily scribing.

• Spend 10-15 minutes before bed journaling on the questions below.

Journaling Questions

• What am I reading, listening to? (news, books, music, social media, podcasts)

• How are these important; or, how are they supporting me in my personal, family, or work life?

• How are these hindering me from being present? from achieving goals?

• How could they be better used; or, how could I better allow them to inspire me?

The Things That Get in the Way

Though optimistic, I am also realistic, and know that life has a way of throwing us curveballs. Financial crises happens, getting sick happens, losing loved ones happens, life happens.

It's easy to revert to our old standbys that perhaps didn't serve us well when we are tired, or bored, or stressed. Today's lesson is all about strategies to manage our triggers when they arise. By planning ahead and anticipating our stressors, we can be proactive and act intentionally to make a healthier choice.

Managing Cravings

So, now that we understand cravings, how do we manage them?

• Cravings have a way of sneaking up on us and hitting us seemingly out of nowhere - this is where mindfulness comes in.

• Generally, if we are more aware of our triggers, then we will begin to notice and disrupt our cravings before they reach their peak.

• Cravings can stem from internal and external triggers.

Internal Triggers:

Like the name implies, internal triggers come from within, they are often emotional states that trigger us to want to use whatever our go-to behavior is.

A few common internal triggers:

• Loneliness

• Boredom

• Anger

• Fatigue

• Headaches

• Being sick

• Sadness

• Desire to celebrate

• Anxiety

• Emotional exhaustion

• Feeling unworthy or guilty

• Overwhelm

There are hundreds more, and they differ for each person.

External Triggers:

External triggers are people, places, things, or situations that trigger a craving. External triggers are basically anything outside of yourself that triggers your desire to engage in the behavior you are trying to change.

External triggers vary depending on the behavior. If you have trouble over-spending, for example, passing by the mall or getting a notification from Amazon online might be huge external triggers for you. If you have difficulty managing emotional eating, does having a certain food in your home trigger you?

Craving & Trigger Prevention

Cravings tend to hit us when we are physically and/ or emotionally depleted. Prevention is the first goal of craving management. This requires some up front work- getting enough sleep, resting, eating meals and snacks on a regular schedule to prevent us from becoming hangry.

Setting implementation intentions are a way to plan ahead for triggers and obstacles that might prevent us from reaching our goals. Implementation intentions are essentially detailed and well thought out “if-then” plans. Research psychologist Peter Gollwitzer found that having a very specific if-then contingency plan increases the likelihood of achieving difficult goals by three times!

WOOP

WOOP is an evidence-based technique developed by researcher Gabrielle Oettingen at NYU. WOOP stands for Wish, Outcome, Obstacles, Plan. The WOOP is a great way to reach your goals and manage your triggers.

How do you WOOP? It goes like this:

• Think about your wish (goal) a few minutes daily with visualization. Visualize it as specifically as possible by reflecting on the specifics of the goal you outlined through the SMART process above.

• Visualize the best possible outcome - how good you will feel accomplishing the goal, how proud you will be, how fullfilled, etc.

• Visualize and list any and all potential obstacles.

• Plan for those obstacles with an if-then plan. For example: if your goal is to workout every morning before work, consider the following: "If I wake up late and miss my workout because I had a poor night's sleep, then I will make an effort to walk 30 minutes at lunch or will turn off the TV early at night and do 30 minutes of strength exercises before bed." "If I wake up with a headache and don't write like I planned, then I will turn off the TV an extra 30 minutes early the next night to write."

For the research and evidence behind WOOP, check out the Module 3 Resources section.

Check out the video below that talks about If-Then planning with examples!

Actions You Can Take:

• Print out the two worksheets below, or replicate them in your journal.

• Determine the behavior you are most desiring to change or the specific goal you are working on.

• List your internal and external triggers that tend to get you off track in as much detail as possible in the two remaining boxes of the worksheet.

• Complete the second worksheet by creating an "if-then" plan for the triggers or barriers that derail you most often.

Using RAIN to Manage Our Emotions

The acronym RAIN is a four-step process which stands for recognize, allow, investigate and nurture. The video above walks you through how to use RAIN. For a detailed explanation and some helpful strategies for utilizing RAIN, see below.

Recognize and observe what you are experiencing.

• Just notice what's going on, what thoughts, feelings, physical sensations, or emotions are happening for you right now.

• Try naming whatever it is you feel. It can be an emotion like "bored" or "excited" or can be a physical sensation like "tightness in my chest" or "discomfort in my abdomen". This is a good time to use the feeling wheel.

Allow whatever you are feeling, knowing you don't have to change it. You are simply noticing whatever comes up and allowing it to be. Some helpful strategies for allowing:

• Acknowledging, "I don’t want to feel this, but this emotion is here for a reason."

• This will feel worse later if I avoid or suppress it.

• Relief comes the quicker I allow this feeling.

• This feeling is like a wave....this one feels like a tidal wave, but it will berak.

• No feeling lasts forever.

Investigate. Get curious about what you're feeling. Ask-

• What's going on right now?

• Where did this sensation or feeling come from?

• Did I consume something that provoked this, or did I watch something unsettling? Am I holding onto a conversation I had hours ago?

• What led up to this feeling? Was I scrolling through social media? Was I looking at my to-do list and feeling overwhelmed?

Nurture. This one once was "non-identification" which reminds us that we are not our feelings nor are we the stories that we create in our head. It reminds us that emotions and feelings pass, they don't last forever.

The N recently changed to "nurture", which is a change I've found particularly helpful. Nurture is the best way to deal with difficult emotions by honoring (not discounting) our experience, and offering compassion and soothing. Here are a few ways to nurture:

• See if you can observe the parts inside that are scared or hurting. Ask those parts, "What do you need?"

• Offer those hurting parts what they are craving.

• Is it reassurance such as, "You are safe," or letting them know, "You're not alone"? Saying these things quietly to ourselves is one way to offer compassion.

• Is there a gesture that gives you comfort? Maybe placing a hand on your heart and saying to yourself, "I hear you. I am hear. I love you."

• Maybe try rubbing your arms as if you're giving yourself a hug and offering an intentional statement of what you need. "You are seen. You are loved. You are enough."

RAIN is a Practice

RAIN takes practice and is great to experiment with when we aren't feeling difficult emotions. The more we practice, the easier it becomes when we are having difficult moments.

Practicing RAIN also increases our emotional awareness and aids in preventing those moments where we become overwhelmed by our emotions.

Managing Stress & Anxiety

We all have bad days and experience stress from time to time. How we handle the stress determines how our days go which turns into weeks, etc.

• What do you do when someone cuts you off in traffic?

• How do you handle it when your significant other leaves dishes piled in the sink?

• How do you manage when you find out a loved one has a terminal illness?

For significant anxiety and panic I encourage anyone to first start with grounding.

Grounding is the act of focusing your mind on a single object, action, or activity in order to ‘block out’ any other invasive thoughts (such as those causing, whether consciously or unconsciously, the anxiety trigger you may currently be experiencing).

Tools for your Tool-box.

Today is all about giving you tools for when the tough stuff comes up. Check out the video and readings below for tons of strategies.

How to Ground with the 5 senses:

1. Sound: Shut your eyes. What do you hear? The hum of a light? Voices in the background? Music? Just sit and notice all you can hear for the next 2 minutes. Can you name 5 things you hear?

2. Vision: Can you name everything you can see right now that is the color white? Go around the room with your eyes and name everything you can see in the room that is the color white. Do this until you have named every single item.

3. Touch: Can you feel the toes in your shoes? What about where your feet are planted on the ground, or your bottom and back against a chair you are sitting on. Focus on the sensation and pressure where your legs are connected with the seat. Is it hard? Soft? Cool? Warm? Cushy? Smooth? What about your hands? What can they touch right now? Can you pick up a napkin or tissue? How does it feel? Smoothe? Rough? Describe every sensation you feel.

4. Smell: What do you smell right now? Do you have access to any soothing smells? Lavender? Essential oils? Inhale deeply three times.

5. Taste: What do you taste? Is your mouth sweet? Bitter?

Make a Grounding Kit

I recommend making a kit for those who struggle with frequent anxiety or cravings. The kit includes anything that helps re-connect, ground you, and soothe. Here are some ideas for what to put in your kit:

• A sour candy or mint

• Tea bag

• Lotion - or anything to smell (essential oils, perfume)

• A rock or smooth stone

• Stress ball

• Soft, small stuffed animal

• Candle

• Snow globe or picture of something that brings you joy (a pet, a child)

Mental Grounding Strategies

• Count backwards from 100 by 3s

• Name categories like horror movies, cereal brands, types of cars

• Use an anchoring reminder phrase like, “I’m (full name. I’m X years old. I live in City, State. Today is Friday, June 3. It’s 10:04 in the morning. I’m sitting at my desk at work. There’s no one else in the room.” This can be very helpful if we experience flashbacks or ruminate on the past.

• List all the steps for a common task like making coffee, getting dressed, etc.

• Name everything you see that is the color white (or any color you pick).

Manage Intense Emotions with TIPP:

• Temperature - We often get overheated when we are upset. Changing our body temperature will help us to re-regulate our emotions. Taking a cold shower, stepping outside into the cold, putting a cold compress or ice on our forehead, splashing cold water on our face, or squeezing ice cubes.

• Intense Exercise - This increases our oxygen flow which helps to decrease our stress levels and get out some energy. Try sprints, burpees, or push-ups.

• Paced Breathing- Activates our para-sympathetic nervous system AKA our rest and relax system. Try inhaling to a count of 4, and exhaling to a count of four. 6 cycles of this is enough to bring down our blood pressure.

• Paired Muscle Relaxation - Intentionally tightening and relaxing a muscle makes the muscle more relaxed than it was before, thus requiring less oxygen in turn slowing down our breathing and heart rate. Focus on a group of muscles, like your arms or quads, intentionally flex for 5 seconds, then relax them.

Overthinking, Rumination on Negative Things & Overwhelm

Catch Yourself!

• As soon as you catch yourself over-thinking or being self-critical, say "Stop!" or "Nope!".

• Can't stop over-thinking? Distract. Do a crossword, watch something funny, exercise, go outside.

• Schedule worry time. Give yourself a set time, like 20 min at the same time each day reserved for worrying. When your worries come up during the day, tell yourself, "I don't have to worry about this now, I've got time to think of it later."

• Write or journal to unburden your thoughts and get it out.

Identify Your Triggers

• Write down situations that trigger your over-thinking or comparison. For example - scrolling through Instagram triggers my comparison behavior.

Rule of 5s

Get some perspective by asking yourself:

• Will this matter in 5 days?

• Will this matter in 5 weeks?

• Will this matter in 5 months?

• Will this matter in 5 years?

Breathing Through Stress

Breathing Waltz

When you first notice tightness in your chest or shallow breathing do this exercise:

1. Breathe in and out slowly in a nine second cycle. Breathe in for 3 seconds

2. Hold your breath for 3 seconds

3. Breathe out for 3 seconds (like a waltz…1 2 3, 1 2 3...)

4. Say the words "exhale", "relax", or "let go" every time you breathe out. Stick with counting if that feels best to you.

5. After 6-7 cycles, take one deep breath for 10 seconds.

6. Repeat until feeling more calm.

Buddha Breathing

Diaphragmatic breathing, also known as "Buddha breathing" or "belly breathing", activates our vagus nerve which creates a relaxation response.

1. Lie down flat on your back or sit up straight in a chair.

2. Place your hands flat upon your diaphragm area, just below your chest.

3. Move your hands so that your finger tips are just touching each other.

4. Now start to take deep, slow breaths from your diaphragm.

5. You know if you are breathing from your diaphragm because your fingers will move slightly apart from one another as you breathe in. Imagine filling a balloon in your belly.

6. Practice this for at least 6 cycles to lower your vital signs.

Projector Breathing

This is useful for people who find visualization easy an helpful.

1. Sit or lie down somewhere and close your eyes.

2. Imagine that you have a movie projection screen in front of your forehead and that on the screen is a big number 1.

3. Imagine that as you breathe in slowly through your nose, the number 1 comes closer to you until it sticks to your forehead.

4. Release that breath slowly and imagine that as you exhale, the number 1 slides down your face and is blown out by your mouth.

5. Now you inhale and see the number 2 on the screen. Repeat the above procedure slowly until you reach the number 20.

Progressive Muscle Relaxation

This relaxation aims to reduce tension in the muscles by tensing each muscle group for a count of five (1,2,3,4,5). The goal is to make the muscle as tense and tight as possible during the count without pain and then to release.

1. Start by noticing sensations in your body - any places of heaviness, warmth, coolness, tingling, or calm.

2. Begin with the toes on your left foot. Curl them into your feet as tight as you can, hold for a 5 count, and release.

3. Move up to your ankle and repeat.

4. Continue moving up muscle groups - knee to thigh.

5. Repeat with your right toes, moving up.

6. Flex your gluteus (bottom) muscles, hold for 5, release.

7. Move up to your abdomen.

8. Chest

9. Right hand, wrist to shoulder.

10. Left hand, wrist to shoulder.

11. Lift your shoulders and neck.

12. Scrunch your face.

13. Top of your head.

Tapping for Anxiety

Tapping has been shown to provide relief not only from emotional difficulties, but from chronic pain, migraine headaches, phobias, and other physiological issues. Tapping is based in Eastern Medicine and works by activating the body's meridian points, similar to acupressure or acupuncture.

Research has shown that stimulating the body's meridian points through tapping lessens the body's fear and stress response, thus increasing emotional regulation.

Check out the video below to walk through how tapping works and how you can easily practice at home. You will find a link to an in depth walk through of how to use tapping, which includes a diagram outlining all 12 meridian points in the module resources.

Actions You Can Take

• Complete the Inner Trash-Talker pdf.

• Notice when you're in your default mode and catch your limiting beliefs.

• Write down the beliefs that come up most frequently.

How to Untangle Your Beliefs

So, for those deeply rooted beliefs, or those thoughts like, “I’m a slob”, “I’m lazy,” “Nobody loves me,”, or whatever your deeply held beliefs are, we are going to take away their power. How you ask? By getting curious.

1. Identify.

2. Get curious.

3. Track & Separate.

How does this look in practice?

1.Identify: In reviewing your trash-talking list from yesterday, pick out one belief that seems to recur the most.

2.Get curious: You can (and should) do this process with all of your self-depriciating beliefs, but today, we are going to get curious about the belief that makes its presence known and felt most frequently.

• How old were you when you began to believe this?

• Where did this belief come from?

• Note: you didn’t have to experience a truama to have “something happen to you”. Maybe your parents argued alot and you took on the role of being the “perfect” kid to try to keep them together. Maybe you were at the pool in 7th grade and a group of mean girls made fun of you in your bathing suit, or called you fat and from that point forward you believed it.

• Were your thoughts self-imposed, or did a parent or someone you love say or imply the mean things you say to yourself?

3. Track and Separate: Start paying attention to your thoughts and seeing them as separate from you.

• Name your self-destructive thoughts. A woman I know in recovery calls the voice that nudges her to her past addiction “Slick”. Slick tells her to isolate, to hide, that she’s a bad person. Slick is a liar. So too are the voices in your head. They aren’t you.

• Begin to recognize when the voice creeps in, and notice what is going on at that moment.

• Are you tired, lonely, or hungry?

• Do you feel out of control over a situation? Begin to notice where and when your critic shows up.

Actions You Can Take:

Today is all about identifying the origin of your beliefs by journaling or reflecting on the following:

• How old were you when you started to believe it?

• Where did it come from?

• Was it self-imposed, or do you remember caregivers or friends putting the belief on you?

Our Parts

As human beings, we try to separate ourselves into two categories: good and bad.

The reality is, we have parts of ourselves that we like and parts that we don’t. We don’t like the part of our self that is irritable, tired, self-destructive, or at the very least lazy, so we move heaven and earth to cover these parts up. We put on masks to overcompensate or hide the parts of ourselves that we deem unacceptable.

These might be parts that are scared or vulnerable and carry old wounds, or parts that try to control everyone and everything in an effort to prevent our wounds from being triggered, or maybe it’s the parts that zone out and scroll mindlessly through social media to avoid thinking and feeling.

The parts that try to prevent pain or stop the pain we experience are protective. These parts run our day to day lives. They try to prevent us from being triggered do so by trying to be perfect, or control things, or please others, or avoid conflict, or look a certain way. The parts that try to prevent us from feeling pain do things like zone out, distract, or numb.

"Parts work" comes from a model of therapy called Internal Family Systems (IFS). It is an incredibly powerful modality, and if the exercise below resonates with you, I invite you to learn more about IFS in the Section 2 Resources section.

Our Core

Underneath our parts is our core self which is strong and wise.

We know that we are embodying our true self when we experience a sense of peace, clarity, strength, and compassion.

Today we are going to transform our relationship with the parts that we tend to blame for our behavior and difficulties.

The meditation below is a powerful one that will transform your relationship with your critical parts and to find strength in your core self.

Find a quiet place, where you can spend 10 minutes uninterrupted, with eyes closed.

Listen to the audio recording below.

Actions You Can Take:

1. Find a quiet and safe place to close your eyes and listen to the guided meditation.

2. Journal on your experience:

• Were you able to separate your parts?

• Were your parts different than you expected?

• Who showed up?

• What did they need?

• What were the characteristics of your core self?

The Power of Self-Compassion

Mindfulness and self-compassion are the keys to unlocking the stangle-hold that our inner critic has on us. Mindfulness teaches us to relate to an experience differently. We learn not to push feelings or thoughts away, but instead, to notice, accept, and get curious about those thoughts.

Compassion is HOW we start to relate differently to those thoughts.

For many of us, the inner critic’s voice is so automatic and so strong that we have no sense of separation from it. Today’s meditation is going to begin to help you build mindful awareness around your thoughts so that you can observe them. Observing thoughts WITHOUT JUDGEMENT is key to compassion. You don’t have to be mad at the thoughts or think that you shouldn’t have them, you are simply noticing, allowing, and letting go.

The Science of Self-Compassion

• When you experience emotional pain followed by care and self-compassion, you create a new association. Neuroscientists call this memory reconsolidation, and this memory reconsolidation leads to healing.

• Neuroscientists have discovered a neural circuit responsible for feelings of well-being, empathy, and connectedness called the Care Circuit.

• Practicing self-compassion is a great way to access the Care Circuit and research shows significant decreases in anxiety, depression, and anger.

• Practicing self-compassion for 30 min/ day for 2 weeks has been shown to lead to significant changes in the brain.

• fMRI brain scans show that Buddhist monks who have intensive training in compassion have the strongest markers in the brain for happiness that have even been cataloged.

Self-Compassion Exercises

Our internal dialogue is often less than kind and less than patient. Consider the following:

How would you speak to a child or a friend experiencing the same thing?

You wake up on the weekend with a large to-do list and you have a headache and are sluggish so you begin berating yourself about not getting enough things done for the day. Would you berate a child?

• Would you treat the child with kindness and care?

• What tone would you use?

• How would things be different if you acted in kindness to yourself.

Acknowledge your suffering

• Imagine someone who's offered you unconditional love and compassion. This could be a person, like a caregiver or grandparent, it could be a religious figure like Buddha or Christ, or it could be a favorite pet.

• Imagine that figure offering you affection and support.

• What would it be like to hear them say, "I know you're going through a lot right now. I'm here for you."

Self-Compassion Break

When you notice that you are becoming agitated or mentally berating yourself:

• Place two hands over your heart, or try placing a hand on your cheek, or perhaps rubbing your arms to hug yourself, whatever feels best to you.

• With your hands over your heart (or wherever they feel comforting) acknowledge that you're having a hard time. Say something like, "I'm having a hard time right now," or, "this is suffering,"

• Next try saying something comforting, "I know this is hard and I'm hurting, it's going to be okay," or, "I am safe," or whatever phrase you need to hear to add bit of comfort right now.

For several free guided meditations from lead researcher Dr. Kristen Neff visit Guided Self Compassion Meditations

What are the Costs of Your Beliefs?

What is it costing you to repeat your limiting belief?

1. What has believing that you are are (lazy, stupid, a bad person, unworthy ______ fill in the blank with your belief) cost you in the past?

2. What is your belief costing you in the present? What is it preventing you from doing?

3. If you don’t change this belief, what is it going to cost you in the future?

Action You Can Take:

What is it costing me to repeat my limiting beliefs? Journal on the following:

1. What has believing that I am (lazy, stupid, a bad person, unworthy ______ fill in the blank with your belief) cost me in the past?

2. What is my belief costing me in the present? What is it preventing me from doing?

3. If I don’t change this belief, what is it going to cost me in the future?

How to Cultivate a Wise Mind

1) Thinking a recent conflict or difficult situation in your life.

2) Write down and analyze the facts, logic, and reason around the situation or conflict. Use past experiences, research, and plans to identify and explore your arguments.

3) Write down and analyze all emotional elements of the conflict. What are your feelings, impulses, and emotional reactions?

4) Which comes more naturally- the facts or the feelings around a conflict? What keeps you from achieving the wise mind?

5) How can you acknowledge both the facts and emotions without being ruled by one or the other? Can you acknowledge that when a certain situation arises you feel _____ but objectively, the situation is happening because ____.

Here's an Example: I get really mad when my husband doesn't unload the dishwasher.

Here are the facts:

• The dishwasher is full.

• I didn't ask for it to be unloaded.

• He injured his back last week from bending forward and reaching.

• He got home from work 20 minutes ago.

• He did the laundry yesterday.

Here are the feelings:

• I do all the chores.

• I shouldn't have to ask for the dishes to be done.

• He is lazy.

• He takes me for granted.

• He uses his back as an excuse.

Here is the Wise Mind:

• Sometimes when the dishes aren't done I feel pressure that housework falls on me, but he also helps and does chores I don't like such as the laundry. He just had a long day at work and is taking time to decompress. While I feel like I shouldn't have to ask, we notice things differently. When I ask he always helps. He never intentionally hurts me. Maybe I will ask for him to help.