Communicate Effectively , Fight Fair, and Feel Heard.

Having the right tools is important in whatever you are seeking to accomplish. I am a little like the hardware store. I have tools for you. Tools to help you get your relationship, not only on track, but headed in the right direction. Tools to assist in healthy expression of anger. Tools to make parenting more enjoyable and less stressful. The tools I offer in my private practice and self help online programs are the tools I have found, over the years, to be successful in helping my clients achieve their goals for love and inner strength.

Having the right tools is important in whatever you are seeking to accomplish. I am a little like the hardware store. I have tools for you. Tools to help you get your relationship, not only on track, but headed in the right direction. Tools to assist in healthy expression of anger. Tools to make parenting more enjoyable and less stressful. The tools I offer in my private practice and self help online programs are the tools I have found, over the years, to be successful in helping my clients achieve their goals for love and inner strength.

Having the right tools is important in whatever you are seeking to accomplish. I am a little like the hardware store. I have tools for you. Tools to help you get your relationship, not only on track, but headed in the right direction. Tools to assist in healthy expression of anger. Tools to make parenting more enjoyable and less stressful. The tools I offer in my private practice and self help online programs are the tools I have found, over the years, to be successful in helping my clients achieve their goals for love and inner strength.

Communication Guide

The first person is person “A”:

When______________________________(this happens)

I feel_______________________________(emotional feeling)

(See attached “feelings cheat sheet”)

because_____________________________

and I want___________________________

(Keep it short and to the point. This identifies what feeling comes up when something happens, why these feelings come up, and your own needs.)

The second person is person” B”:

What I hear you say is_______________________________.

This is “reflective listening,” you state back the jest of what you heard or the emotion you heard. Keep it short. Then if that is not what A meant for you to hear, person A will say “NO that is not what I wanted you to hear” and repeat the statement in a different way or using different words so that his/her statement can be better understood.

We talk and listen through our “life filters.” What one person says and intends to be heard may be totally different than what the receiver hears. The reflective listening confirms if the message was heard in the way in which the speaker intended.

Communication is the key to letting others know how we feel and what we need. We communicate in many ways. Our body language and our walk can communicate who we are, how we are feeling, and the condition of our health. Our eyes communicate feelings and opinions. Even sighs and groans communicate. The way we touch, or do not touch, tells others about us. Our words are not the only communication tools we use.

LIFE FILTERS

We listen and talk through our “life filters.” Life filters are ways we learn to speak, listen, express anger, and communication using other methods. Relationships take time, energy, feeding, and nurturing. They are living breathing entities. You can have wonderful, just okay, cold nothingness, or abusive relationships. You choose.

If you put the tools in the toolbox and leave them there nothing changes. It is totally up to you. One word of reality check is….”relationships take two.” Two people working toward the same goal.

We will address how to learn to use our words in order to communicate in a way others can hear. We will also learn to communicate in a way that will allow us to feel heard. In an assertive way that gets our needs and wishes heard and perhaps met in a healthy way that will enhance your relationship and bring you closer together. Remember, you may agree to disagree, there is no wrong, just right and right. You can experience the same event and have a totally different memory of the event. Not right and wrong but different.

Methods that lead to Unproductive/Foolish Fighting

Foolish fighting usually goes nowhere – just around and around –resolving nothing. Communication may escalate into violent behaviors. Here are some behaviors that are sometimes chosen in conflict resolution that are unproductive.

1. Change the rules mid-game. Don't stick to the agreed format for the discussion.

2. Bring up past problems and issues. Even if you have never mentioned

them before. Use sex to cloud the issues-“you never give me sex.”

3. Raise your voice to get the upper hand and feel powerful.

4. Step closer and raise your hand or point your finger to intimidate your

partner and make them take you side.

5. Interrupt your partner so that they cannot voice their concerns completely.

6. Pretend to not be listening

7. Really don't listen to your partner, spend the time they are talking

thinking of what you will say back to them.

8. Make sure your partner knows YOU are right and they are WRONG.

9. Call names and label behavior as “mental” or “dumb”.

10. Say, sarcastically, something like-“YOU are so right I am just scum.”

Productive Fighting

Productive fighting is a form of communication that resolves issues. When fighting productively we use assertive communication and stays focused on the problem. Fighting productively will get issues resolved and partners will feel heard.
*Before you begin your discussion or fight, agree on the issue you will discuss.

*Stick to that one issue.

*If one of you thinks of something else you need to discuss, write it down for later.

* Stay focused, stay open minded.

*Be clear of your own personal boundaries, needs, and wishes.

*Remember and KNOW there does not have to be a right and wrong.

*You can both be right…just different. Right and Right.

*Try compromise.

ONE BIG RULE; YOU CAN agree to disagree

Remember Kindergarten? Okay deep breathe. YES I did say

Kindergarten; Some of the rules for living together safely and lovingly we learned in Kindergarten. Think about it –we learned to share, to say please, to take a nap, and flush. Most of all keep the discussion/fight positive, remember this is the person who loves you and who you love.

Communication can be aggressive, passive, assertive, or passive aggressive.

Using an aggressive communication style means you are trying to get your needs met through various types of force: verbal, emotional, or physical. Your statement will sound bossy and loud. Aggressive styles of communication can feel violent. Yelling, swearing, and calling names are forms of violence.

When you communicate in a passive manner, there may not be a statement. You may only hint at what you need. Some people have the talent of mind reading, but most of us are not able to read another's mind. Even though someone loves you, he/she probably can NOT read your mind. Passive styles of communication rely on the wish our mind can be read and our needs can be magically met.

When you communicate assertively, you increase the chance of getting your needs met without hurting anyone else or using force.

Your boss asks you to file some things, and filing is not your job. You are irritated, so you file them all incorrectly on purpose. Passive aggressive behaviors are unhealthy forms of communication, because you make yourself the victim and therefore don't proactively pursue your own needs.

It is your responsibility to ask for your own needs. This is assertive communication and is also the healthy form of communication. Assertive communication gets us what we need or want without hurting anyone.

Structure for TIME OUT;

If one partner feels a need for a time out…or a need to stop the communication process, here is a good way to make the time- out positive. You may need a time out to cool off or even just to collect your thoughts. You may want to check your own self-talk and review what you want to say in a calm quiet place so the discussion stays positive and productive. Anyone can call a time out for any reason-just say “I want a time-out”

When Time-out is called;

1. The amount of the time needed to stated…”I will be back in ½ hour (or how ever much time the person needs) and we can start again.”

2. Each partner goes to a separate place (either in the house, for a walk, or drive).

3. At the appointed time partners return and start again. OR make an

MY SCENE:

One of you wants to go away for the weekend…you want weekend that is nice and romantic. You want to go to the coast or a nice bed and breakfast in the foothills, or camping by your favorite lake. The other partner has invited their sister and brother-in-law for the weekend without asking you. (TRY THESE FOOLISH FIGHTING BEHAVIORS to address this issue…See how it feels to use them and have your partner use them.)

Productive fighting is a form of communication that resolves issues. When fighting productively we use assertive communication and stays focused on the problem. Fighting productively will get issues resolved and partners will feel heard.

1. THE ISSUE TO BE RESOLVED

2. AGREE TO RESPECT TIME-OUT IF SOMEONE ASKS

3. STAY ON THE SUBJECT-WRITE DOWN ANY OTHER ISSUES THAT MAY NEED TO BE DISCUSSED LATER

4. RESPECT THE OTHER PARTNERS RIGHT TO DISAGREE

5. COMPROMISE

6. PUT THE RESOLUTION ON HOLD UNTIL LATER IF NEEDED

MY SCENE:

One of you wants to go away for the weekend…you want weekend that is nice and romantic. You want to go to the coast or a nice bed and breakfast in the foothills, or camping by your favorite lake. The other partner has invited their sister and brother-in-law for the weekend without asking you. (TRY THESE FOOLISH FIGHTING BEHAVIORS to address this issue…See how it feels to use them and have your partner use them.)

Suggested Reading;

How to Listen so your Kids will Talk and How to Talk so your Kids Will Listen by Adel Faber and Elaine Mazlish

Nonviolent Communication-A Language of Life by Marshall B. Rosenberg Ph.D

Please Understand Me-Character and Temperament Types by

David Keirsey and Marilyn Bates

Gifts Differing-Understanding Personality Types by Isabel Briggs

Myers

Visit the Free Help sections of my website for self help and free articles

www.program4angermanagement.com/freehelp
www.yvonnesinclair.com/freehelp

Other helpful places:

www.everydayhealth.com/depression/understanding.aspx
www.keirsey.com for a personality profile. Short profile is free.
http://www.blogtalkradio.com/EVaughn