Divorce & Co-Parenting After The Storm

You will be tempted to go down the doomscroll "rabbit hole" during stressful times. However, you will never find anything online that is both useful and boring! Big Tech is built to keep you scrolling and scrolling on all the toxic stuff.

In this brief section, you'll learn ways to combat Big Tech's desire to keep you in the rabbit hole.

There are ways for you to win against Big Tech...but it won't easy. It never is. But you can do it with awareness, discipline, and a plan.

Keep it simple.

Framework:

1. Trauma - Reflect on your Ex's backstory. It will play a role in negotiations.

2. Trophy - Role play and see the argument from the other side of the table. How does your Ex come away with a win or save face?

3. Triggers - When negotiations go sideways things get nasty. Prepare. Know in advance your soft spots and vulnerable areas. Remind yourself that the Ex is simply using a tactic to throw you off your game.

Keep it simple.

Framework:

1. Move from Positions to Interests - Interests are core values and non-negotiable. Find common ground with the Ex by uncovering the interests behind the position.

Example:

"I want little Sally to do gymnastics." (position).

"I want little Sally to learn life skills and meet friends." (interest)

2. Brainstorm Ideas - Everything and the kitchen sink goes here. No bad ideas because bad ideas can be a springboard to options that work for you, the Ex and the child. Wear your "creator" hat when brainstorming...not your "editor" hat.

3. Evaluate Ideas - Now edit. Evaluate the above options. Which option(s) is realistic, durable and best meets the interests of everyone involved? The process must be fair and all voices must be heard. If your Ex does not feel heard, understood and respected the agreement won't be followed in good faith.

4. Choose & Commit - Decision time. Don't lose days, weeks, months, years, decades arguing with the Ex. Again, your goal is to find the imperfect option that best meets the underlying interests. 

Keep it simple.

Framework:

1. Reality Test - Ask "what if" questions and run "worst case scenarios" to make sure you and the Ex are on the same page. Clarify anything vague or ambiguous.

2. Reciprocity - This is not a one-off negotiation with the car dealership. You will probably be involved in some way with the Ex for years to come. Cooperate, be flexible, reciprocate when it is in the best interests of the child. Know the signed agreement on paper won't match the messy reality we deal with on a daily basis.

3. Revisit - The parenting plan when little Sally is 5 years old won't match the reality of the family when she is 15. And when she gets her driver's license at 16 things change again. Best practice is to do regular check-ins with the Ex - Is the current plan (decision making & residential schedule) currently working? 

You've done everything correct - you followed the negotiation framework and still no agreement from the other side! Not a problem. Negotiation roadblocks "impasse" is to be expected. It won't be smooth sailing from start to finish.

Fortunately, when you identify typical roadblocks and solutions you'll be ready.

You'll now be ready with "temporary" agreements, "partial" agreements and "A/B Testing." The goal is to keep momentum going while respecting the other side's POV and your own values.

For You - Focus on Process & Controllables

Ex-Partner - Focus on Empathy

The Kids - Focus on the "Best Interests" Standard

PRE-NEGOTIATION:

• Trauma

• Trophy

• Triggers (You)

NEGOTIATION:

• Positions to Interests

• Create Options

• Evaluate Options to Meet "Shared" Interests

• Decide & Commit

POST-NEGOTIATION:

• Reality Test

• Reciprocity

• Revisit