Confidence: Self-Esteem Body Language & Communication Skills

In this lesson, we will first understand what do we mean by capabilities. A capability is a power or ability to do something. So if you have the power to solve the Rubik’s cube then that is your ability. If you have the ability to prepare a delicious burger, then that is your ability. Anything that you CAN do, is your power or your capability. It is not too difficult to understand then that if we go through a day unharmed then we are capable of living. 

We have so far learnt that a problem is nothing but your incapability. And an incapability can be transformed in a capability, by simply finding a way to know what you previously didn’t. What’s your problem? Can’t code? Find an online course and learn how to code. Problem solved. Only if life was so simple right? But is it not? If your problem is not knowing how to code, what else will help you to not have that problem? We can’t magically understand it, neither can we tell the world to do something else because we do not know how to code? 

In the last lesson, we learnt that problem solving is as easy as clicking a button. So why do people still have problems? Good Question! Very good question. We all know that we are a social animal. We need each other in order to survive. But we also know that we have very little control on how people function. 

Self Esteem as a concept emerged in 1892. Psychologist William James spoke of it in relation to his theory of how we perceive ourselves in the world. Psychology wasn’t treated as an important science since it deals with very little physical evidence and more of what we actually understand of the physical evidence. It is the study of Behavior, and as such is difficult to prove in traditional scientific method. Also the experiments of psychology were strictly controlled because of the nature of the research; hence it took longer for us to explore the concept of self-esteem which is such an integral part of the human existence. 

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly of Self-Esteem. In the last lesson, we briefly looked at the history of this subject and the value of it in our life. In this lesson, we will try to understand the different kinds of self-esteem and identify the pros and cons of all. Generally, Self-Esteem is said to be high or low, however, even in that, there are types and tendencies. Few tests have been devised to assess where we stand on that scale and identify the patterns that lead to our self-esteem.  Out of the Ideal, Real and Dreaded self, we will concentrate mostly on the actual person or the real self that we are in this chapter since that is the one we can work on. High self-esteem in the real self can be healthy, in that, we realize our potential and we identify our faults and fix them. 

So far we have understood the concept of self-esteem, how it emerged and the types that psychology has recognized. In this chapter we will learn how to practice this extremely important trait of the successful. When I say successful, it only means people who have achieved what they wanted to. Self- Esteem is a habit of consciously living in the moment. We call it mindfulness, to know exactly what you are doing, how you are doing it and especially why you are doing it.  It is to address every one of our activities and asking the critical questions.

First impression is when one person forms a mental image of another in the first meeting. This image is formed within a matter of seconds and is almost impossible to change. How you are perceived in those first few moments may make or break your relationship with your observer. Many factors play a role in this process, such as the environment, the time of day, etc. but it mostly depends on the first few movements of your body.

In the last lesson we learnt the first impressions may very well become our last and that we have mere seconds to make them. We also touched on the subject of the Halo effect and understood that there are a variety of factors that play a significant role in starting you off on the right foot. Let’s elaborate more on this subject, shall we? Millions of dollars get spent in training our leaders to make the first right impression. Not just the political leaders but even our artists and business people take note of the progress made in the study of human behavior. 

We have all heard of a confident body language. We try to imitate the people who seem confident because their personality is magnetic, and personality is made of our behaviour, so it simply means to copy the behaviour of the confident people. But wait, if you copy someone else’s behaviour without understanding what does it actually mean, then you are going to look phoney, and a phoney person is no better than an under-confident person. So let’s understand what we mean by body language, before attempting to imitate it. 

In the last lesson, we understood that body language is actually misunderstood to be a set of symbols meaning certain things. Though not entirely wrong, this can cause many people to misunderstand their interactions, since they forget that just like a word - an action also has syntactic value. It is a part of the whole picture, not a picture by itself. 

In the last two lessons, we identified the meaning of body language and the importance of aligning your conscious thoughts to your unconscious actions. Body language takes a long time to get a hang of and we do need to actively practice it every day. It is a skill that can be honed but only like any other skill, with training and dedication. Start observing people around you and make mental notes of what you see. If you arrive late and your friend doesn’t show any disappointment, it is because they didn’t mind it. But if they are even slightly upset then make that connection and register it for future, your friend is punctual and doesn’t like tardiness. If you want this friend to like you then don’t be late.

Fear is the unpleasant emotion one feels toward a threat, danger or harm. So if there is an animal running toward you, the scream and the anxiety that is displayed by your body is your fear. Now let’s say, this animal is indeed new to you, but it is a dog and dogs respond to kindness. If you know this, then perhaps you would not scream and run. So you see, a little bit of information about the animal running toward you, prevents you from being frightened. This is what we will explore in our talk today. Understanding fear and then taking control of it. 

We have come so far as to understand that most of our situation is what we feel about them. What they really are is a matter of how much information you could collect on it. If you don’t come to a mathematical formula that can prove your understanding of the situation then it remains just a hypothesis. So quit thinking about it as the ultimate situation. Instead learn how to come to that mathematical formula, there is one, there always is one. A situation can be solved so think of it as just a puzzle, the more pieces you find, the better your understanding of it and the better your attempt at solving it. 

Now that we have not only understood our fears but also learnt a few ways to tackle them, let’s move on to the prevention of any further damage to our soul. We really don’t find this information in school and neither do our parents know that this information is useful. Would you play football with professionals if you were not trained? Similarly, how can we expect to run alongside others in this game called life without thorough education on it? So let us first begin with understanding life. Every moment that you can remember is what life is to you. Can you remember all the moments? Does that mean it didn’t exist? So simply, life is what we have an account for. 

When we contemplate entering a social situation, we imagine a room full of people that will ask us about ourselves. They may be interested in what we do for a living. They may even want to get to know our hobbies. Or they simply would like our point of view on a subject. So why do these situations evoke such a strong fear in our minds? When we stand on a stage and speak about our idea, why are we suddenly more afraid than we were in front of the mirror. It is the same subject matter. You only have to speak. So what changed? The fact that there are people who might judge you for what you are going to say, that may think you don’t speak well, or that your idea can get challenged.  Does it not happen in day to day life? Then why would you suddenly shy away from a situation that can lead to more success? If we were fearful of an audience, then we would not be able to speak at all, right? Every individual who listened to us was a part of the society; it was not at all difficult to speak our mind in front of them, so what changed when the number increased? You have only gotten to a point that will get you what you want.

In the last lesson, we gathered that we anticipate our circumstances through our belief of what people may say or think. We feel a little sceptical of how we will be received and that sometimes prevents us from exploring our options. We also learnt that life is like SuperMario and we just keep going - that no one lives our life for us and that nervousness and anxiety are a part and parcel of every great emotion in the world. So let’s look at some concrete tips for maintaining that cool façade to go with the calmness you feel inside. The first thing to remember is that it is fundamental of human beings to like friendly looking people, so smile like there is no tomorrow. Remember the best moments of your life, like this present moment, is your last and congratulate yourself for living well. I do that very often and I have been told that I have a very good smile. That’s my trick, I just go to my happy place, and I seem to smile in a way that brings people closer. 

Imagine you walk into your manager’s office and she tells you that the report you had sent has a graph missing because of which the report could not be processed and the company lost 5 crucial hours in forwarding a deal. She also lets you know that this caused her to look unprepared and she has lost faith in your ability and she may perhaps consider not giving you any more responsibility and might even fire you the next time this happens. It hurts, doesn’t it? But wait why? Why does this hurt? Did you take offence to how she told you about your mistake? Because what she told you is completely true, you did make the error because of which she did suffer a consequence, and that is why she cannot trust you anymore and may find someone else if you really can’t keep up. 

Yes, I realise that many of you will immediately refute this idea. How can Criticism of you be counted as meditation? Isn’t meditation all about accepting yourself? And you would be correct. But remember how we discussed that high and healthy self-esteem acknowledges the flaws in one’s personality and accepts them anyway. 

The idea that we are raised with as concrete definition yet not factual is a belief. So the moral value of being kind, though not factually proven, is our belief. The dictionary defines it as something you have faith in or confidence in. So not a fact, but a faith. There are both, negative as well as positive consequences to a belief, some help us sail through a situation, like stealing is bad so we won’t steal, and some hinder our progress in the right direction. 

Now that we have understood what a limiting belief is, let us grasp how we could work toward eliminating it. This won’t be easy and there really is no app for it. It requires patience and concentration. So if you are expecting some magic download in your system at the end of this lesson, then let me burst that hope. This one takes patience, your only tool in this journey is the knowledge of meditation and the willingness to give it a very and I mean very honest try. 

Dopamine, also known as the Motivation molecule is responsible for all things good. It controls how we feel and hence what we do. The human body is no more than a device and every device requires its fuel, the only thing that separates us from the devices we make is that our body is a self-operating machine, a lot of the main functions are already designed to function in harmony and it is only a matter of what outside influences we introduce to it.