Alternatives to saying "No! Don't, Stop!" without giving in
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- How to say NO! in a way that is respectful and empowering.
- What to say instead of "Don't do that! Stop it!" that actually makes them feel good about themselves.
- A section just for skills to use with toddlers.
- A section focused on how to say NO when it comes to money.
- Put in place a range of boundaries without giving in to your children.
- Unlock the resentment and sour faces when you say NO to your children.
- How to get their children to come up with their own solutions instead of complaining how unfair you are.
- Get your child to stop doing what you don't want them to do, without angry fights and guilty feelings of punishment.
- Be able to pinpoint why you say NO, understand what need of yours you are protecting, and how to transform that into everyday breakthroughs.
- Use emotionally intelligent skills that only therapists use because no one knows how to teach them.
- it helps to be able to print out the summary sheets
- have a pen and paper ready to make notes and to write the solutions for your situations
- come with an open attitude that your leanring could come in leaps and bounds, or in the finer details of what I have to share with you
[updated October2018 with new skills} This course is for those parents and teachers who are fed up with having to continuously say NO, DON'T and STOP every day! You can use these skills for everyday problems from toddlers to teens such as:
Stop splashing.... cheating, swearing, whining, hitting your brother, stealing, eating with your mouth open, leaving dirty clothes on the floor, watching too much TV or too much computer. We have a skill for each and every boundary you need to put in place.
Come learn alternatives that actually empower and build confidence instead of leading to anger and frustration from both you and your children.
I will take you step by step through the tried and tested skills we have developed over the last 20 years. And more importantly, I will show you how you can implement these skills straight away so you will get breakthrough after breakthrough.
But this course is more than that. It's about understanding the psychology of your child and bringing out the best in them, and in you.
I have included Skills Summary printouts that you can stick up around your house.
I have included links to online exercises where you can practice your skills.
I have included whole sections on TODDLERS, on MONEY MATTERS, and frequently asked questions.
Parenting does not have to be something you just survive.... as these skills will push you into a paradigm of THRIVE.
And you don't need to know them all... in fact... there is probably more than you will need here.... you just need 2 core skills and they will work in over 80% of your situations.
So enroll now and learn how to get rid of that guilty feeling that you may be damaging your child's well being... only because you just have not yet learned the easier alternatives.
- all parents and caregivers and parents to be
- teachers, social workers and therapists
This lecture is an overview of what you will learn, and how best to learn it!
Are there shortcuts?
Can you learn a skill and get a breakthrough 5 minutes later? (yes)
Do I have to learn all the skills? (no)
Are there super advanced skills? (yes yes yes)
There are also specific sections for specific situations (like for a toddler, for financial and money challenges)
This lecture explains how to sue the EVERYDAY SKILL SUMMARY WORKSHEET.
Print it out from the resource section, and the fill it the kinds of challenging situations you are having at home.
As we we go from skill set to skill set, you can fill in the empty spaces as you adapt the skills to your needs.
We have included both pdf and doc files for your preferences.
You can print out all the skills summaries from this lecture, even though you may not have covered the skills yet (look at the resource section from this lecture)
I want to make this as easy for you as possible.
In fact, you may see a skill on the summary sheet that interests you can then you can go directly to that lecture instead of having to wade through everything.
Just another way to make learning this easier for you!
As you progress through this course, please feel free to ask any questions and I will be happy to answer them. You can do this within the course, or via the personal messaging system.
And many parents and teachers often ask the same kinds of questions, so I created a ‘free resource course’ where I answer many of the great questions from all my other courses put together.
This free resource on “The top 20 questions and answers to become a better parents covers these kinds of questions:
- Know how to stop your child's whining and sulking behaviour
- Use alternatives to yelling and shouting, keeping your child's dignity in tact
- Put in place effective boundaries with the 3 D's to intelligent boundaries
- ·Understand why some children listen to you, but don't do what you ask
- ·Know how to apply the developmental stages of child development
- Learn why 'TIME-OUT' chairs do more damage than good
- Deal with your child's school separation anxiety
I am sure you will find insights, skills and possible breakthroughs by browsing through this new course. As I get new questions from you, I keep adding new lessons. Look for the course title and link in the last lesson in this course and enroll to see if it answers your question.
To find an alternative to saying NO, you first need to understand WHY you are saying NO!
Most of the time, the word ‘no’, (often said when you’re in a rush, or really busy) is an attempt to put a boundary in place that is used to protect, instruct and teach kids about a particular situation. You probably don’t even realise how many times you say it in a day, right?
But these two letters make up one of the most powerful words in our language. This single word has lead to more conflict and emotion than any other word out there.
Know how to use it skillfully, and you become a master of the art of parenting.
Do you want to understand more about the psychology of saying NO! and putting boundaries in place? Then this lecture is for you. We cover the research from top studies about the short and long term impacts of using negative statements, and the lack of implementing boundaries.
You will find answers to the questions like:
- So what's the big deal about saying NO anyway?
- What kind of personal characteristics are we cultivating in our children by always giving in to their demands?
- Why is it so important to create clear boundaries and rules for our children?
- Is it possible to say “No” too much?
- So then what other reasons are the to Avoid Saying No
- What if I say “No” and then change my mind?
- Do you have any tips for parents who have become slaves to their child’s demands?
I want to you succeed. Today, within 20 minutes of watching these videos I am preparing for you to get a breakthrough in your communication with your child.
You only need to learn 2 of these skills and you will create breakthroughs every day.
So print out the summary skills sheet from the resource section, and make your notes and prepare for implementing the skill you choose.
When your child asks for for something, there's a sense that you need to provide the right answer.
Maybe you get caught in the analysis of what they are asking for, and how you can't do that for them right now....
So what do you do?
So you say, "NO."
But turn the problem around, and make it a challenge that may have a new solution.
How you word your problem will either open thinking up for solutions, or shut them down with resentment.
The skills of giving choices can be used and adapted to many different situations.
As an alternative to saying "NO", the skill of giving choices re-directs and focuses the child on making an empowering choice instead of fighting over what you have said NO to.
Although this may work best with young children, when you give anyone an empowering choice, it supports cooperation and decreases resentment.
This skill is all about changing the perspective of you as the parent preventing your child from doing what they want, to you supporting them in unlocking the key to doing what they want.
This re-focus of wording is not about letting boundaries go. Actually it's the opposite.
This is about how to put those boundaries in place, but positively.
Nearly all parenting problems are caused by one of two things:
- We act without thinking
- We think without acting
When we are put into situations of being rushed, we tend to make decisions that are not well thought out or appropriate.
So instead of making a decision, and then frequently changing your mind later on, learn this skill on how to give yourself time to think.
I am sure the last thing you wish for is a child who just keeps nagging because they know you will just change your mind later on.
Every parent starts off their journey by calmly explaining their thinking and decision using reason and logic.
But when a child doesn't listen or doesn't agree with the reasoning, the parent begins to get irritated and short tempered.
After a while, a parent is more sarcastic and undermining than informative and reasonable.
This skill gives you insight into how you may be sending mixed messages to your child, and ensures you stay on track to supporting healthy development.
Instead of a refusal and a shutting down of the conversation, replying with a possible alternative option goes a long way to increasing collaboration.
Swapping or trading is a skill that offers a replacement action that is better suited to you, yet still has some value for your child.
This skill is used over all ages as it is so easy to adapt to simple and complex situations.
It helps to be able to think quickly on your feet to see if you can find an alternatvie that would suit you, but also be an empowering option for you child.
I love watching sports on TV.
And the commentators give me running descriptions of what is happening.
"Jones kicks the ball up high and Matthews is underneath to receive it. On the outside is Botha who side steps the attackers and kicks the ball up high..."
This running commentary is what is called sportscasting.... and this skill is extremely useful instead of saying 'NO!'
This lecture goes explores the benefits of non-judgmental descriptions and how you can use this to out your boundaries in place while supporting your child to take responsibility.
This can be a challenging skill for a parent to learn as often there is so much emotion and judgement in our perception. But the rewards are incredible.
Negative language decreases cooperation and increases resentment.
Plus, the brain takes longer to process a negative statement than a positive one.
If I say "Don't run!", you first have to process the action of running before you can process the act of NOT running. So in effect you are reinforcing the act of running.
By just sharing what you need, you direct the brain to focus on and REMEMBER, exactly what you are wanting, instead of on the behaviour you don't want.
When you stop a child from doing something they are enjoying (or are wanting to do), there is an increase in the power dynamic between you and them.
It creates a divide and increases the experience of a YOU and THEM.... two opposing forces... two opposing teams.
This skill creates an experience that although you are putting a boundary in place, your child is left feeling you are skill on their team, and on their side.
This skill is a must to master as it can be used in nearly all kinds of parenting situations.
PRINT OUT YOUR SKILLS SUMMARY LIST
ALL THESE SKILLS ON ONE PAGE TO STICK UP AROUND YOUR HOUSE!
You will not get breakthroughs by just watching these videos.
You will not get breakthroughs just by hoping things will change.
You will get incredible results by learning these skills so they are on the top of your tongue.
For some people it feels like learning a whole new language.
For others, it just needs one breakthrough to realise that a small effort now will result in massive differences in the 'teen years.'
Here is the summary of all the skills covered so far, and a great way to quickly review what you have learned every few weeks.
Some parents out there are really good at this.
They have experience, insight and have done loads of personal development work. And they find it difficult to find skills they haven't yet learned. I love learning and love meeting other people who have explore the ways to increase our connection to our family's.
This section on the advanced skills work really well for the everyday parent, and just come alive with conscious application.
This is the section that teaches you the skills of partnership, team work and 'synergy'.
Just one of these skills will change how you parent.
The advanced skills take everything to a whole new level.
When used correctly, these skills create results that every parent aspires to.
They focus on getting the children to take more responsibility, and for creating an environment where parenting is not a win/lose situation of power, but about seeing how to make it work for everyone on the same team.
The reason they are more advanced is that to really access their power, a parent needs to be more aware and emotionally intelligent than the average parent.
And to get you to open up this possibility, this lecture takes you through the insight that everyone puts their own needs first, regardless of whether it's their child, or any other person.
This lecture shares the insights and skills in how to ask the right question, and then sit back while your child puts in extra effort to find a solution that will work for you.
Get your child to share 3 good reasons with you as to why they should be allowed to do that they are wanting to do.
And an even more powerful statement is to ask them to convince you.
This implies you are open to the possibility of it working, but your child needs to put in the effort upfront.
You want your child to be independent and proactive. Rather them be empowered and in action than just begging and whining.
This skill shows you how to get them thinking of their own solutions which in turn builds up their capabilities of creative thinking and strategic planning.
The greatest challenge that this lecture solves, is how to phrase this in such a way that does not leave your child feeling you don't care, and are not willing to support them.
This is the best skill for understanding how to meet both your needs and your child's needs. An exciting approach that transforms problems into shared solutions and helps everyone feel they are working together.
Discovering your core needs is about asking yourself the two primary questions.
These two questions allow you to discover what drives you to say NO, and what need you have that is trying to prevent future 'unhappiness'.
Although this is similar to the Substitute a YES for a NO, this skill goes deeper into your key needs to open up many more possible solutions that you may never have though of before.
This skill is worthy of mastering.. and is an artform to put into practice.
If you are tired of children complaining and blaming you .. then this lecture will give you the answers.
A child can only blame some else when they are not taking responsibility for what has happened. Learn the skill to shift the responsibility onto your child so they need to step up to solve their own problems.
And if you child can't find solutions to your questions on the core need?
Take a look at the deeper core need and see how to ask them that deeper question
This skill can be used in conjunction with each and every other skill. It creates a connection with your child, in-spite of putting boundaries in place.
It softens the resistance, and prepares your child for the next skill to be used.
Think of this like a catalyst... when you use it, it makes the following skill so much more powerful.
This lecture has the list of all the skills we have covered in this course used in conjunction with the Acknowledging feelings skill.
PRINT OUT THE SKILL SUMMARY LIST OF ALL THE SKILLS WE HAVE COVERED.
STICK THEM UP IN YOUR HOUSE.. EVERYWHERE SO YOU CAN KEEP GLANCING AT THEM.
Use this lecture as a quick summary and refresher.
Notice how the advanced skills require more insight and self knowledge than the other everyday skills. And notice that although it requires more depth to apply, the results open up a new paradigm of parenting.
The success of this course is not in the videos, or in the notes, but in your ability to persevere and implement what you have learned here.
It may not be all that easy, but it will be certainly worth it.
Parents always ask great questions as they sometimes struggle to get to grips with learning these new skills.
Here are some of the frequent questions and my responses to them.
There is never just one right answer... we are exploring how to live and be in relationship with each other tht leaves us feeling fulfilled and energized.
The way in which we communicate directly impacts that feeling.
Nearly every book, seminar or course on how to get rich starts off by describing that the most important part of creating wealth lies in our mind-sets and belief systems. And our children learn their primary beliefs and values through our communication and language with them.
So although this course is not about how to create and keep wealth, this next section will give you something to think about and will help you become more aware of how you can create a more balanced approach by changing the way in which you speak to them about money, especially when you find the words, “No we can’t buy it or ‘no, that’s just too expensive (or we can’t afford it)”
"Guilt is the biggest driver of parent growth."
In my experience of working with parents, the key driver of their own growth, and perhaps the key to their success as parents is the degree to which they feel guilty about some of the things they do, and say.
Feeling guilty about something drives you to find a solution. It fuels your desire to increase your own self control and to implement better solutions that result in a happier child and happier parent.
So in this lecture, we cover some of the underlying behavioural traits that may result in you 'giving in' to your child, and often feeling guilty about as a result.
- Being a parent who just says YES.
- Over compensating when things don't go well.
- Peer pressure... keeping up with the Jones'.
- Will you still love me if I don't buy it?
- Don't tell the children. They don't need to know.
- I just don't know what else to say... and then I get angry and shout "NO!"
Your child needs to hear that you have thought about your decision before just quickly answering "No!".
But how do you share your reasons with them in such a way that keeps them open to listening opposed to just shutting down and storming off angry?
This skill allows your child to hear your side of the story.
This is another great skill at being able to open up a conversation about what your child is wanting in such a way that shows your interest.
In my experience, how you 'open' a conversation is 80% of the success of the conversation. It sets the tone and the intent.
If you want to show a person you are interested in their thinking and needs, then ask them WHY they say they want something. It keeps them talking, gives you time to think and collect your thoughts, and conveys you are interested in what their opinion is.
Cooperation is more about 'shared values' than obedience.
Showing interest is a great way to keep cooperation going.
Giving yourself time to think and make sure you are making the correct decision for you is a skill.
It would be great to be so on the ball that we had the 'right' answer straight away.
But often when we feel rushed, we just need a few minutes to get our heads clear and our thinking in line.
Sometimes it's even about giving yourself some time to speak to another person and get their ideas.
Either way... giving yourself time to think creates more opportunities than shutting everything down.
Although this lecture MAY seem to say the opposite of everything we have been covering in this course, it is more about seeing the bigger picture.
It's OK not to 'get it right' all the time. Our children need to hear how we sometimes struggle, or mess things up.
And of course, there is always some benefit in them hearing the blunt "No!" from us once in a while.
Prevention is better than a cure.
This lecture looks to see how you can avoid getting into the challenging situation before it becomes an issue.
The more you can guide your child's expectations into what you are needing, the less resentment and frustration they will experience.
The goal of intelligent parenting to to talk about anything, and everything with awareness and intelligence.
This lecture shares how our family had a challenging situation where Cailin misheard us parents talking about our monthly cash flow. She had interpreted this as our family now being "poor" and this really upset her.
We needed to talk to her about this as intelligently as we could.
This section really requires a whole course on it's own.
How do we develop the financial intelligence in our children?
How can we support them in understanding how to work with and manage money?
'Budgeting' and 'allowances' are just financial tools... so how we we support our children in being competent with them so if they need it, they are able to use them.
This lecture gives you a quick reminder of what we have covered in this financial section.
These skills, insights and techniques may give you the edge in everyday situations.
At the same time, this course is not about wealth creation or how to support your children in getting rich.
This section is more about supporting you in the challenging situations that revolve around money and the situations where you feel you need to say "NO" to your child.
And it’s such a challenging phase as the toddler is moving so quickly through the learning of language, to a deep desire for more independence and increasing exploration.
Yes we all know that prevention is better thana cure.
We know that it might be better not to take our toddler to the shops because they could have a tantrum when we don't buy them things... but what happens when we don't have a choice?
What do we do when we still have to take them?
This lecture looks at the practical things YOU CAN DO!
We have become quite accustomed to TELLING our children what to do.
And then we get frustrated that they didn't listen, or don't understand.
Of all the ages, SHOWING as well as TELLING is the key to increase the cooperation and memory retention.
Always look to see how you can also SHOW them what you are needing them to do.
This skill is the same as the skill of SHARE WHAT YOU NEED.
The basic drive is to replace a behaviour instead of trying to just stop a behaviour.
We want our chidlren to know WHAT to do, instead of just telling them what NOT to do.
Some parents are just natural at fun and humour. Their bubbly personalities seem to attract cooperation.
But even if you are not a 'natural like that', these skill will help you.
They have been a life saver for me, and have supported me in connecting to young children without giving up on my own personality style.
Communication is made up of so many aspects.
The words we use, our tone of voice, our body language, and the meta-messages of what we say.
For the toddler age, we rely on all other aspects besides the words to convey what we are needing.
Teaching stop signs is a visible addition to just the words and sounds we use.
When we increase the 'clarity' of our messages through many different communication methods, the "POWER" of our communication increases.
Sometimes our children may not be able to see us, or understand the meaning of what we are telling them.
Teaching them STOP sounds is a 'piercing' method to get your children to take note of what you are needing.
The toddler phase is full of hitting, biting, and kicking.
It will really be useful to PARROT learn the words to say when this happens so as your anger is preferably guided into constructive language than just being a reactive component to your parenting.
Being prepared is what this is all about as when you are 'in the moment' intelligence seems to fall away to anger and harsh words.
The skill of thanking your child in advance for doing something is a clever way of directing your child into doing what you are needing.
"Thank you for packing away after you have played with your toys."
The challenge with this type of skill is when you EXPECT your child to do what you are needing.
This skill INVITES your child to cooperate, but leaves the door open for them to refuse your request.
In this lecture we covered:
- Practice prevention and how to avoid set ups
- How to guide expectations
- The importance of ‘show’ AND ‘tell’
- It’s easier to replace an unacceptable behaviour than just stop it
- Humour, fun and distraction: "Watch out! Mommy is coming to get you." How to Teach Stop Signs How to teach stop Sounds
- Stop the Hitting/kicking/ biting
- Thanking them before hand gets them to do what you need.
Print out the summary sheets for this section so you can have them on the tip of your tongue!